Friday, June 10, 2011
June heatwave - Sub-Atomic particles @ 3am on the subway
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Monday, April 27, 2009
"Mike Knight" by Seanbateman9
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Adults only....over 18
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"Closer" jan 07
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
some random thoughts and Mike Knight...
4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning...
random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something...
yeah...its seems, these days -- that
the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds...
i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh...
like, yeah -- the meds...
of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time...
chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..."
the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise...
hey -- i dunno about you bro...
i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok...
a long time ago...
>>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..."
it's gonna be all fucked up...
and your -- your gonna be, "all fucked up" and well,
were just gonna be here together...
all fucked up together....
all on this planet together...
all fucked up...
together...
>>>>>>>pain...psychic pain...
the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro..
and
maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here...
but in the meantime: read on...
ever since i can remember...
life here, was about: fear...
perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives...
like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not...
or maybe:
you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety...
or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe...
you got some warmth: somewhere...
feelings of safety...
ponder that for a moment...
maybe...
you had a good childhood - whatever that means...
it means...
like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes...
well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??)
maybe you...
grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good...
like "middle america"
thats a killer...right?
no.
well, it didn't happen here...
no, not for me -- that didn't happen...
childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right?
perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world...
with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect....
a "normal" childhood...
i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..."
normal...
ponder that...
when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine....
>>>normal, regular, average....the middle...
just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me...
A "normal" childhood...
i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got...
now what am i gonna do with it...???
instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right?
>>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..."
you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then...
it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations...
whatever...
really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right?
like a journalist...
or like a human being, in a factory...??
or a gardener...
or Batmnan...
i would have been a great lawyer...
fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches...
(i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now...
totally random...
yeah, fuck yeah...
this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers....
and once god has her plan set for you -- well then,
theres no getting out of your destiny...
>>>>
like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light...
but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or...
some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me...
i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...???
hehee
subversion...blackness...
deviance...
darkness...
sensuality...
lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny...
always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then...
light...
another light...the black-light....a light -- that...
the world doesn't recognize...
the
"screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..."
got that?
an otherworldly light...
the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres...
no...
you were gonna become a sex object...!!!
hows that for karma??
yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually...
why?
because...
thats your destiny...
ur destiny...ponder that for a minute...
the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is:
to take a walk through hell...
escorted by demons...the whole way...
fighting the demons, and talking to the angels...
and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"...
but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick...
made for sex...i was...but love?
welcome to the pleasure dome...
>>>>>>>
my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat...
too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>>
blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light...
right?
bathed and drowned in it...
thrown at me from every angle...
so much light...
and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the value of darkness and isolation...
light.
with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura...
that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that...
no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid...
walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist....
>>>>>>>>>>
a fine artist...
(i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...)
everything i painted was black, and blue and red...
melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter...
wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something...
but no...
i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??"
"would you be interested in showing this??"
"seeing my work...??"
\>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass...
not your paintings....
>>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects...
higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence...
right ?
no.
not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen...
the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving...
starving to fix an ache in our souls...
finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe" -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are...
there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right?
well ok then...u want hole...here is it...
the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want....
or what you need...
forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..."
the world is a sleep....
they are a sleep plato's cave...
looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside...
the light...
outside...
you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage:
well -- forget it...
you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them....
throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right??
>>>>
truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life...
walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you...
and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp?
>>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...???
i always wanted to be a porn star....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
finally, yeah i got something i wanted....
mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!!
hard bones everywhere loking at my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have...
sex object -- ponder that one...
sex object....
hey, don't feel sorry for me...
yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..."
but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love...
thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy...
punishment...
ponder that...
punished because of what you feel...
don't fell sorry for me....
sex object...
punishment....
feelings...
love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ur destiny.....
i'am (just) saying that:
what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah...
i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...???
look i shake hands with a guy: guess what?
the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?"
>>>it's in my aura...
thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ??
ya know what...why the fuck not???
yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn....
porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my bros -- they come over just to smell my pits....
my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus...
kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right...
it's in my aura, man...
it's even in my smell...
i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line...
i was created by gay renegade angels....
yep....
"The masterpeice of angels..."
???
had to be gay angels -- right...
i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am...
I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live...
>>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else...
as they say:
life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around?
>>>
so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to:
"yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..."
>>>>>>>>>>>
although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc...
the permanent collection...ah...but,
ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course....
>>>>>>>>
>>> I came from money...
thats funny - is it not...? that expression...
I came from money...
hahaaa
yep, sure did...
and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from...
but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money...
happiness...
ponder that -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy""
no...sorry--->>>
money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares???
money....
ponder that one -- for a minute...
if money weren't the issue....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what money buys:
pause....
>>>>>>>>>>
new valium prescriptions for mom...of course...
and
seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories...
but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right?
>>>my mother screams...
"Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ???
they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands...
for chrissake...
the other boys...
yeah...so help me god this is true...
one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants...
like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent) butts...to see which one i liked the best...
((i was 10 years old at that time...))
wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten...
my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying:
"Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..."
hehehe
"mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..."
yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that??
in like 1970...?
it got worse...
yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light...
the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth...
>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on...
ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up...
and ah - no...
i can't remember where I'am in my med course...
>>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight,
...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else...
>>>>>>>>>
side effects...
ponder that one..for a minute...
you take a pill because you can't sleep...
>>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up...
and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you...
all the while -- it is saving your life....
ponder that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life...
thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that --
that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..."
well it's a dog-pile...
of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything...
or something...
yeah, theres something wrong with you...
and were going to find out what it is...and fix you....
because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped...
ponder the metaphor//allegory?
:of "plato's" cave story...for a minute...
>>>you free yourself and walk out into the light...
and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that...
"hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..."
well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb....
why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped...
of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary...
to be away from the "pack..." is frightning...
and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>>
that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..."
here...
release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't...
tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will
pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth...
am i making sense...?
yet?
>>>stop making sence...sense...
>>>>>
>>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink...
>>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed...
got sent to a shrink...
age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..."
(in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story...
age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying...
told a social worker i was in grief...and angry...
(a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...)
yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink...
i dunno - life is like a series of...
(hey guess what?? i'am not in 20s anymore, so ---
i can make declarative statements, like that...now:
about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot -
i can say things like.."life is like this..."
yeah, sure can fucker...
ive all ready lived about ten lives...
ten lifetimes...
and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...))
all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell))
fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this:
my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..
and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere...
no --
it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream..
a wet dream - of course....
...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons...
ok? perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion...
well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ...
yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:
looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul...
and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ok man, where was i???
i forgot what i was saying....
not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on
now...
where were we?
feelings....i love you....
love....
yeah --
i don't really think i'am human...anymore...
and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i??
angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???"
>>>>>>>>>>>
my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts...
the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything...
can see into men's souls and know there ache...
humans....
to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands...
and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..."
the ahce...
ponder that....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases...
yeah i got carted off to a shrink...
fucking shrinks bro...
oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...???
having trouble -- "fitting in..."
then i guess your going to the shrink...
wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor...
wanna tell us how fucked we are...?
yeah
ah, guess what -- your getting medicated...
your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence...
or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality...
or for your refusal to deform yourself...
and become -- "just like us..."
scared--- and trapped...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
normal....not normal...
"your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..."
>>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink...
for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives....
and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..."
>>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink...
"it's for you own good..."
thats a riot!
i love that one....for your own good....
and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..."
ah, >>>>"we love you...."
"were trying to help you...."
>>>help me --
what? commit suicide???
god....
god -- something alive and pure and transforming...
something beautiful and fresh...
???
i dunno...
i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle...
with my eyes closed...
meditating:
even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp?
or about the taoist immortals...
or even the
"ascended masters" or a place called: shambala...
or nirvana...
or of:
jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis.. sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..."
anyway...
row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream...
yeah the beautiful dream of life...
strange...
((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...))
>>>>>>>
the shrink:
yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in...
your going to the "Shrink..."
ponder that one...the "Shrink..."
hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now --
ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course....
right off >>>>>>>>>>
"ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??"
>>>>>>>>>
the ink blots...
ink blots:
the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed...
"are you fucking kidding me...???
"you want me to look at ink blots...?
i don't "see" anything...
i see ink...on a white piece of paper..."
>>>>>>>>>
talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform...
conform...
to the worlds mental illness...
insanity...
menatal illness...take your meds...
>>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill...
surprise...
yep.....
wake up...
yep...to the whole fucked up mess...
everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick...
and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill...
and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill...
and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>>
will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...'
right?
and when they say: it's because "we love you"
...or
"do it for jesus..."
well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love...
and love here...in this reality...bro --
you dont, fucken want it...
trust me...
when someone says to you --"i love you..."
run the other way....
when they say that..."i love you...."
what they really mean is:
"i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..."
and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you...
>>>it means -- they hate you ---
"yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!"
how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself...
yeah...
yeah -- man -- "i love you" -- man...
"love you -- mean it -- " heheee
it really means:
stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time...
i love you -- i promise....
right ?
>>>>>>>>>>>>
ah -- perspective...
no -- you can't....
>>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective...
on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear...
and rage....that looks like love...
the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love:
but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold...
and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down
then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally:
mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up...
and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro...
and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be:
"not fucked up..."
is that clear enough for you...? doc...?
ink blots...
my doc to me:
"do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?"
"well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, -- not...ah, not "there" - doc??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ink blots...
well...
what do i see? in this blob of ink??
-- on this piece of white paper...?
ok bro...i'll play the game...
because if i don't play your game then i'am---
"severely -- disturbed..." right?
then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right??
"Depressed and severley disturbed..."
official diagnosis...
age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35...
"inability to accept "reality"...." age 40...
reality....: is.....
reality --
is bullshit...man...
and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again....
maybe it's time that you, doctor --
"take the meds...."
can't aqccept "reality"
but whoose reality are we talking about ??
the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into ----- buying????
the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ????
is that reality that i can't accept???
>>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil....
and pretty damm proud to be that...
the world's dark angel....
a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done...
then yeah -- here i'am...telling the masses: hey guess what?
"god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever...
the messiah...means: the annointed one...
>>>>>>>>>
the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape...
reality...whoose reality???
>>>>>>>>>
your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies....
on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear....
and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>>
life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>>
age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience...
i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off:
the habitrail of insanity...
and into the jungle of nothingness...
into the cosmos of god...
and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become:
an angel to the lost --->>>>>
a porn star -- of sorts...
finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick...
the lost children...commanding the elements...
fully aware of my power and light...
i emerge as:
a shaman....
a sexual shaman....no less....
life begins at 40...indeed...it does...
40
i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed...
watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep...
and boom...it all became clear....
enlightenment...
age 45...
clarity.........
((realizing everything was and is "bullshit"
((see "plato'plato"s cave...above"))
life is like:............
god is like....heaven is like...
i know what heaven is like...been there three times...
and twice to hell.....
decided to come back to earth....
ink blots----------->>>
what do you see???
ok Sean...
>>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see....
ok...
ink blots...
"ok doc...what do i see ?"
I see: blood everywhere...
i see: insanity and pain...
I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls...
I see: moeny and ah, dead people....
i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill...
ah....
i see: fear.....
>>>>>>>>>>
"your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...."
>>>>>>
what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize:
"It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..."
>>>>>
yeah ----
you can medicate me and my libido but really,
it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful....
i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time....
yeah...
manhattan....here i'am....
i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me....
it all just made me stronger....
they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go...
i was going to die...i was supposed to die...
i kinda did die -- and then was re-born....
>>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger....
beautiful and powerful...and knowing...
>>>>>>>>>>>
"what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
thank you -->>>...albert camus...
stronger ---
and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc??
your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...???
see ya in hell...man...
with your ink blots...
>>>>>>>
go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere...
in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him...
blood and murder and rape...everywhere...
>>>>>deeply disturbed...???
yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ??
deeply disturbed....
((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?))
my first shrink...
like i said: fuck him....
what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep...
probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass --
for "jesus" -- of course...
and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it...
((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right?
when it was an actual...magazine...))
anyway...
sex object..........
>>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner...
and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah,
my uncle...
oops - thats not supposed to happen...right?
sucking off -- the staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the
guy that brings the flowers every week...
16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict...
or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality...
to the maid:
"if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..."
actually -- i really liked her.......
16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...)
my vocabulary was like that of a college professor...
where is he learning those words???
(((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....)))
yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them...
and they didn't like that...
like i said: fuck them....
the smirk on my face always said the same thing:
"fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..."
"your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..."
"your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..."
go ahead, tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old....
and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus...
"I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..."
>>>>>>>>>>the truth...
they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will...
into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them...
doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you...
right...???
and so it goes...
16 years old and trapped in the 70s...
16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...)
16...going on 17...
i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the prositutes...yep - sure did...
16 going on 99...
one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic...
butt-fuking lust and wanting...
the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god...
and enlightened...
seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always...
"near death..."
what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience...
???
>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...
the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact...
he was the epitome...of:
the mask of (in)sanity...
so to speak...
they got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike...
mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:
the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe...
and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny...
the dark angel and mr perfect...
nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path:
it means your entire existence is going to be transformed...
ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..."
mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships...
he was about to confront his other side...
his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece...
mike knight -- perfect in every way...
he had everything - he had it all...except his soul...
there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me...
"you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile...
"ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...)
"yeah sure..." wink -- wink...
mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away....
heheee..........no not this time...
in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right?
we walk into the door...
of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget....
to the ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me...
>>>>the mask of sanity....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>
i could always see into people's souls...
or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them what i saw....
"take your meds..."
yeah...right...
seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan....
knowing --- the curse off "knowing..."
my other curse is: (of course) is:
to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro...
well, maybe...
maybe -- hehee
you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me...
yeah, you can have my ass,
but ah..well:
youll never have "me"....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pause...mike knight...
the masks we wear...
the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light...
innocent -- : the "good" one...
thats the mask - mike knight was wearing the night we met....
but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him....
i looked beyond the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear...
>>>>>>help me....
this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality --
because i know that money is not going to fix it...
boy do i know that...
if i don't know anything, i sure do -- know that...
any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>>
the world can't see that -- but i can...
when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity...
and god and "right..."
and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right?
like i said: fuck him and fuck them all....
those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good...
i know them and what they are...
>>>>>
we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia...
but thats a whole nother therapy session....
pause...
right??
sorry -- that was the 70s...
back then: oh...your a fag?
yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list :
then yeah --
you were considered: "mentally ill..."
"your going to sunday school...your going to bible camp...your going to church..."
connect the dots...
thats right -- >>>singing in the chior...
i was the favorite - in the choir...of course...
for jesus....amen...
thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...
google that and youll get some interesting reading...
the mask...
you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever...
but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..."
and your wearing a brook's brother suit...
well...
as long as you look innocent in america...
then you are innocent...
as long as you face is white: of course...
and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then...
yes !
fuck yes...your innocent and ah, "Good"
right ...??
((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...))
anyway...
>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it...
>>>there couldn't possibly be anything sinister happening in a church -- it's a house of: god....
right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
god and money: the things of this world...
money...
the rich are innocent....
and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...)
presits never fuck 14 year old boys and --
god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god...
yeah....ok...
love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease...
that really, you never had in the first place...
but how else were we going to get you addicted to all --
all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names))
and all the side effects...
and siphon...sp? off
your lifeforce...
and basically kill you...
pause...
for money -- of course...
in the name of jesus...of course -- amen...
and
god bless america....
rape me....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what is god???
god is gentle...
god is creative...
god doesn't murder...does he? does she?
or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging...
and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers...
and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen???
????
emanations of light...
projections of light...
transforming...light...
particles of light...
we are....
light....
like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes...
and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease....
right?
because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day...
on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials...
telling you that there is something wrong with you...
of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour....
here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day
...and:
heres the cure...by the way...
just ask you doctor...
who, really is not a doctor at all but actually --
more like a drug pusher....
or a great salesman...
cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests....
not happy???
ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain....
and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong...
right?
>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
quantum mechanics...
there is an infinite amount of outcomes...
at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick....
the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow....
fuck i think i took my meds twice.....
>>>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
we are all, just particles of light...
a giant tv screen, of particles...
of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of -- walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light...
we are particles of light...
simple molecules....of light...of god...
of energy....
of love....?
>>>everything breakdown to particles...
and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing...
we are basically nothing...
but vapors of light...
yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny...
is there?
check out...the myth of sysiphiis... sp?
if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...?
it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...and the pleasure model...
one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah...
and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes...
in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits...
mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was...
a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them...
yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry --
by asking you...
"Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker??
i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..."
and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..."
the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor...
wake up...
he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that \
yeah to do that for him...
give him "therapy" like that....
pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that...
(((clear mind and clean body...)))
i cant shake that bro...
of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight...
there was something about him...
i dunno...
i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here...
to simply transform things...
like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno...
morpheus...
maybe i'am -- something like,
"the one..."
i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight...
his "transformer..." thats for sure...
yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again...
wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,
but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that
i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice...
well one thing is for sure today...
i def, will not have a seizure....
today...
right ?
hold that thought....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
your a special case.....
i love that expression...
"special case..."
ponder that one for a minute....
mike knight was a special case...
and what a hole he had...awesome...
one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass...
"descent into madness..."
heheee....
being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny....
destiny....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born...
full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real...
miracles....
if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle...
right?
but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere...
and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..."
then what??
and that even the darkness was god...
and that "god" was the darkness...
not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful...
and too much light can kill you...
yep, it sure can bro...
it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it...
it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a breakdown...
so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system...
a rejection of all the suppressions...
>>>>>>>>
and yeah, what if:
you just let it all -- come "out"
finally...
yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure...
thats right baby...just let it out...
and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love...
yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it?
pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god...
it hurts...
like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe...
for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time....
a new heaven on earth --- so to speak....
and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world....
>>>>>>>>>
the real world...ponder that one....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the first rule of becoming and being immortal:
or having eternal life:
first you have to die...
ponder that one....
and by the way...
i love you....
Sean
Adults only....over 18
if you are under 18
leave this page now
"Closer" jan 07
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
some random thoughts and Mike Knight...
4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning...
random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something...
yeah...its seems, these days -- that
the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds...
i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh...
like, yeah -- the meds...
of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time...
chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..."
the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise...
hey -- i dunno about you bro...
i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok...
a long time ago...
>>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..."
it's gonna be all fucked up...
and your -- your gonna be, "all fucked up" and well,
were just gonna be here together...
all fucked up together....
all on this planet together...
all fucked up...
together...
>>>>>>>pain...psychic pain...
the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro..
and
maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here...
but in the meantime: read on...
ever since i can remember...
life here, was about: fear...
perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives...
like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not...
or maybe:
you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety...
or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe...
you got some warmth: somewhere...
feelings of safety...
ponder that for a moment...
maybe...
you had a good childhood - whatever that means...
it means...
like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes...
well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??)
maybe you...
grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good...
like "middle america"
thats a killer...right?
no.
well, it didn't happen here...
no, not for me -- that didn't happen...
childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right?
perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world...
with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect....
a "normal" childhood...
i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..."
normal...
ponder that...
when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine....
>>>normal, regular, average....the middle...
just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me...
A "normal" childhood...
i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got...
now what am i gonna do with it...???
instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right?
>>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..."
you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then...
it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations...
whatever...
really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right?
like a journalist...
or like a human being, in a factory...??
or a gardener...
or Batmnan...
i would have been a great lawyer...
fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches...
(i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now...
totally random...
yeah, fuck yeah...
this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers....
and once god has her plan set for you -- well then,
theres no getting out of your destiny...
>>>>
like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light...
but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or...
some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me...
i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...???
hehee
subversion...blackness...
deviance...
darkness...
sensuality...
lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny...
always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then...
light...
another light...the black-light....a light -- that...
the world doesn't recognize...
the
"screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..."
got that?
an otherworldly light...
the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres...
no...
you were gonna become a sex object...!!!
hows that for karma??
yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually...
why?
because...
thats your destiny...
ur destiny...ponder that for a minute...
the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is:
to take a walk through hell...
escorted by demons...the whole way...
fighting the demons, and talking to the angels...
and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"...
but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick...
made for sex...i was...but love?
welcome to the pleasure dome...
>>>>>>>
my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat...
too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>>
blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light...
right?
bathed and drowned in it...
thrown at me from every angle...
so much light...
and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the value of darkness and isolation...
light.
with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura...
that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that...
no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid...
walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist....
>>>>>>>>>>
a fine artist...
(i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...)
everything i painted was black, and blue and red...
melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter...
wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something...
but no...
i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??"
"would you be interested in showing this??"
"seeing my work...??"
\>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass...
not your paintings....
>>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects...
higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence...
right ?
no.
not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen...
the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving...
starving to fix an ache in our souls...
finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe" -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are...
there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right?
well ok then...u want hole...here is it...
the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want....
or what you need...
forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..."
the world is a sleep....
they are a sleep plato's cave...
looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside...
the light...
outside...
you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage:
well -- forget it...
you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them....
throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right??
>>>>
truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life...
walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you...
and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp?
>>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...???
i always wanted to be a porn star....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
finally, yeah i got something i wanted....
mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!!
hard bones everywhere loking at my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have...
sex object -- ponder that one...
sex object....
hey, don't feel sorry for me...
yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..."
but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love...
thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy...
punishment...
ponder that...
punished because of what you feel...
don't fell sorry for me....
sex object...
punishment....
feelings...
love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ur destiny.....
i'am (just) saying that:
what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah...
i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...???
look i shake hands with a guy: guess what?
the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?"
>>>it's in my aura...
thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ??
ya know what...why the fuck not???
yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn....
porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my bros -- they come over just to smell my pits....
my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus...
kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right...
it's in my aura, man...
it's even in my smell...
i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line...
i was created by gay renegade angels....
yep....
"The masterpeice of angels..."
???
had to be gay angels -- right...
i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am...
I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live...
>>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else...
as they say:
life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around?
>>>
so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to:
"yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..."
>>>>>>>>>>>
although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc...
the permanent collection...ah...but,
ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course....
>>>>>>>>
>>> I came from money...
thats funny - is it not...? that expression...
I came from money...
hahaaa
yep, sure did...
and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from...
but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money...
happiness...
ponder that -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy""
no...sorry--->>>
money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares???
money....
ponder that one -- for a minute...
if money weren't the issue....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what money buys:
pause....
>>>>>>>>>>
new valium prescriptions for mom...of course...
and
seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories...
but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right?
>>>my mother screams...
"Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ???
they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands...
for chrissake...
the other boys...
yeah...so help me god this is true...
one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants...
like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent) butts...to see which one i liked the best...
((i was 10 years old at that time...))
wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten...
my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying:
"Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..."
hehehe
"mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..."
yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that??
in like 1970...?
it got worse...
yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light...
the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth...
>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on...
ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up...
and ah - no...
i can't remember where I'am in my med course...
>>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight,
...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else...
>>>>>>>>>
side effects...
ponder that one..for a minute...
you take a pill because you can't sleep...
>>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up...
and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you...
all the while -- it is saving your life....
ponder that...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life...
thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that --
that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..."
well it's a dog-pile...
of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything...
or something...
yeah, theres something wrong with you...
and were going to find out what it is...and fix you....
because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped...
ponder the metaphor//allegory?
:of "plato's" cave story...for a minute...
>>>you free yourself and walk out into the light...
and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that...
"hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..."
well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb....
why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped...
of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary...
to be away from the "pack..." is frightning...
and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>>
that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..."
here...
release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't...
tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will
pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth...
am i making sense...?
yet?
>>>stop making sence...sense...
>>>>>
>>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink...
>>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed...
got sent to a shrink...
age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..."
(in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story...
age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying...
told a social worker i was in grief...and angry...
(a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...)
yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink...
i dunno - life is like a series of...
(hey guess what?? i'am not in 20s anymore, so ---
i can make declarative statements, like that...now:
about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot -
i can say things like.."life is like this..."
yeah, sure can fucker...
ive all ready lived about ten lives...
ten lifetimes...
and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...))
all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell))
fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this:
my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..
and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere...
no --
it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream..
a wet dream - of course....
...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons...
ok? perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion...
well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ...
yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:
looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul...
and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ok man, where was i???
i forgot what i was saying....
not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on
now...
where were we?
feelings....i love you....
love....
yeah --
i don't really think i'am human...anymore...
and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i??
angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???"
>>>>>>>>>>>
my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts...
the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything...
can see into men's souls and know there ache...
humans....
to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands...
and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..."
the ahce...
ponder that....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases...
yeah i got carted off to a shrink...
fucking shrinks bro...
oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...???
having trouble -- "fitting in..."
then i guess your going to the shrink...
wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor...
wanna tell us how fucked we are...?
yeah
ah, guess what -- your getting medicated...
your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence...
or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality...
or for your refusal to deform yourself...
and become -- "just like us..."
scared--- and trapped...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
normal....not normal...
"your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..."
>>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink...
for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives....
and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..."
>>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink...
"it's for you own good..."
thats a riot!
i love that one....for your own good....
and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..."
ah, >>>>"we love you...."
"were trying to help you...."
>>>help me --
what? commit suicide???
god....
god -- something alive and pure and transforming...
something beautiful and fresh...
???
i dunno...
i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle...
with my eyes closed...
meditating:
even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp?
or about the taoist immortals...
or even the
"ascended masters" or a place called: shambala...
or nirvana...
or of:
jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis.. sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..."
anyway...
row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream...
yeah the beautiful dream of life...
strange...
((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...))
>>>>>>>
the shrink:
yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in...
your going to the "Shrink..."
ponder that one...the "Shrink..."
hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now --
ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course....
right off >>>>>>>>>>
"ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??"
>>>>>>>>>
the ink blots...
ink blots:
the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed...
"are you fucking kidding me...???
"you want me to look at ink blots...?
i don't "see" anything...
i see ink...on a white piece of paper..."
>>>>>>>>>
talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform...
conform...
to the worlds mental illness...
insanity...
menatal illness...take your meds...
>>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill...
surprise...
yep.....
wake up...
yep...to the whole fucked up mess...
everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick...
and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill...
and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill...
and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>>
will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...'
right?
and when they say: it's because "we love you"
...or
"do it for jesus..."
well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love...
and love here...in this reality...bro --
you dont, fucken want it...
trust me...
when someone says to you --"i love you..."
run the other way....
when they say that..."i love you...."
what they really mean is:
"i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..."
and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you...
>>>it means -- they hate you ---
"yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!"
how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself...
yeah...
yeah -- man -- "i love you" -- man...
"love you -- mean it -- " heheee
it really means:
stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time...
i love you -- i promise....
right ?
>>>>>>>>>>>>
ah -- perspective...
no -- you can't....
>>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective...
on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear...
and rage....that looks like love...
the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love:
but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold...
and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down
then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally:
mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up...
and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro...
and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be:
"not fucked up..."
is that clear enough for you...? doc...?
ink blots...
my doc to me:
"do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?"
"well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, -- not...ah, not "there" - doc??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ink blots...
well...
what do i see? in this blob of ink??
-- on this piece of white paper...?
ok bro...i'll play the game...
because if i don't play your game then i'am---
"severely -- disturbed..." right?
then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right??
"Depressed and severley disturbed..."
official diagnosis...
age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35...
"inability to accept "reality"...." age 40...
reality....: is.....
reality --
is bullshit...man...
and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again....
maybe it's time that you, doctor --
"take the meds...."
can't aqccept "reality"
but whoose reality are we talking about ??
the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into ----- buying????
the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ????
is that reality that i can't accept???
>>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil....
and pretty damm proud to be that...
the world's dark angel....
a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done...
then yeah -- here i'am...telling the masses: hey guess what?
"god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever...
the messiah...means: the annointed one...
>>>>>>>>>
the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape...
reality...whoose reality???
>>>>>>>>>
your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies....
on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear....
and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>>
life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>>
age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience...
i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off:
the habitrail of insanity...
and into the jungle of nothingness...
into the cosmos of god...
and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become:
an angel to the lost --->>>>>
a porn star -- of sorts...
finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick...
the lost children...commanding the elements...
fully aware of my power and light...
i emerge as:
a shaman....
a sexual shaman....no less....
life begins at 40...indeed...it does...
40
i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed...
watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep...
and boom...it all became clear....
enlightenment...
age 45...
clarity.........
((realizing everything was and is "bullshit"
((see "plato'plato"s cave...above"))
life is like:............
god is like....heaven is like...
i know what heaven is like...been there three times...
and twice to hell.....
decided to come back to earth....
ink blots----------->>>
what do you see???
ok Sean...
>>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see....
ok...
ink blots...
"ok doc...what do i see ?"
I see: blood everywhere...
i see: insanity and pain...
I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls...
I see: moeny and ah, dead people....
i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill...
ah....
i see: fear.....
>>>>>>>>>>
"your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...."
>>>>>>
what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize:
"It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..."
>>>>>
yeah ----
you can medicate me and my libido but really,
it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful....
i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time....
yeah...
manhattan....here i'am....
i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me....
it all just made me stronger....
they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go...
i was going to die...i was supposed to die...
i kinda did die -- and then was re-born....
>>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger....
beautiful and powerful...and knowing...
>>>>>>>>>>>
"what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
thank you -->>>...albert camus...
stronger ---
and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc??
your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...???
see ya in hell...man...
with your ink blots...
>>>>>>>
go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere...
in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him...
blood and murder and rape...everywhere...
>>>>>deeply disturbed...???
yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ??
deeply disturbed....
((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?))
my first shrink...
like i said: fuck him....
what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep...
probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass --
for "jesus" -- of course...
and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it...
((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right?
when it was an actual...magazine...))
anyway...
sex object..........
>>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner...
and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah,
my uncle...
oops - thats not supposed to happen...right?
sucking off -- the staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the
guy that brings the flowers every week...
16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict...
or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality...
to the maid:
"if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..."
actually -- i really liked her.......
16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...)
my vocabulary was like that of a college professor...
where is he learning those words???
(((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....)))
yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them...
and they didn't like that...
like i said: fuck them....
the smirk on my face always said the same thing:
"fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..."
"your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..."
"your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..."
go ahead, tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old....
and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus...
"I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..."
>>>>>>>>>>the truth...
they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will...
into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them...
doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you...
right...???
and so it goes...
16 years old and trapped in the 70s...
16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...)
16...going on 17...
i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the prositutes...yep - sure did...
16 going on 99...
one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic...
butt-fuking lust and wanting...
the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god...
and enlightened...
seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always...
"near death..."
what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience...
???
>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...
the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact...
he was the epitome...of:
the mask of (in)sanity...
so to speak...
they got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike...
mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:
the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe...
and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny...
the dark angel and mr perfect...
nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path:
it means your entire existence is going to be transformed...
ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..."
mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships...
he was about to confront his other side...
his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece...
mike knight -- perfect in every way...
he had everything - he had it all...except his soul...
there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me...
"you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile...
"ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...)
"yeah sure..." wink -- wink...
mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away....
heheee..........no not this time...
in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right?
we walk into the door...
of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget....
to the ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me...
>>>>the mask of sanity....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>
i could always see into people's souls...
or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them what i saw....
"take your meds..."
yeah...right...
seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan....
knowing --- the curse off "knowing..."
my other curse is: (of course) is:
to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro...
well, maybe...
maybe -- hehee
you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me...
yeah, you can have my ass,
but ah..well:
youll never have "me"....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pause...mike knight...
the masks we wear...
the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light...
innocent -- : the "good" one...
thats the mask - mike knight was wearing the night we met....
but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him....
i looked beyond the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear...
>>>>>>help me....
this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality --
because i know that money is not going to fix it...
boy do i know that...
if i don't know anything, i sure do -- know that...
any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>>
the world can't see that -- but i can...
when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity...
and god and "right..."
and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right?
like i said: fuck him and fuck them all....
those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good...
i know them and what they are...
>>>>>
we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia...
but thats a whole nother therapy session....
pause...
right??
sorry -- that was the 70s...
back then: oh...your a fag?
yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list :
then yeah --
you were considered: "mentally ill..."
"your going to sunday school...your going to bible camp...your going to church..."
connect the dots...
thats right -- >>>singing in the chior...
i was the favorite - in the choir...of course...
for jesus....amen...
thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...
google that and youll get some interesting reading...
the mask...
you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever...
but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..."
and your wearing a brook's brother suit...
well...
as long as you look innocent in america...
then you are innocent...
as long as you face is white: of course...
and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then...
yes !
fuck yes...your innocent and ah, "Good"
right ...??
((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...))
anyway...
>>>>>>>>>>
the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it...
>>>there couldn't possibly be anything sinister happening in a church -- it's a house of: god....
right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
god and money: the things of this world...
money...
the rich are innocent....
and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...)
presits never fuck 14 year old boys and --
god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god...
yeah....ok...
love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease...
that really, you never had in the first place...
but how else were we going to get you addicted to all --
all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names))
and all the side effects...
and siphon...sp? off
your lifeforce...
and basically kill you...
pause...
for money -- of course...
in the name of jesus...of course -- amen...
and
god bless america....
rape me....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what is god???
god is gentle...
god is creative...
god doesn't murder...does he? does she?
or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging...
and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers...
and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen???
????
emanations of light...
projections of light...
transforming...light...
particles of light...
we are....
light....
like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes...
and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease....
right?
because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day...
on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials...
telling you that there is something wrong with you...
of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour....
here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day
...and:
heres the cure...by the way...
just ask you doctor...
who, really is not a doctor at all but actually --
more like a drug pusher....
or a great salesman...
cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests....
not happy???
ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain....
and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong...
right?
>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
quantum mechanics...
there is an infinite amount of outcomes...
at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick....
the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow....
fuck i think i took my meds twice.....
>>>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
we are all, just particles of light...
a giant tv screen, of particles...
of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of -- walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light...
we are particles of light...
simple molecules....of light...of god...
of energy....
of love....?
>>>everything breakdown to particles...
and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing...
we are basically nothing...
but vapors of light...
yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny...
is there?
check out...the myth of sysiphiis... sp?
if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...?
it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
mike knight...and the pleasure model...
one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah...
and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes...
in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits...
mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was...
a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them...
yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry --
by asking you...
"Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker??
i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..."
and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..."
the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor...
wake up...
he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that \
yeah to do that for him...
give him "therapy" like that....
pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that...
(((clear mind and clean body...)))
i cant shake that bro...
of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight...
there was something about him...
i dunno...
i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here...
to simply transform things...
like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno...
morpheus...
maybe i'am -- something like,
"the one..."
i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight...
his "transformer..." thats for sure...
yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again...
wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,
but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that
i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice...
well one thing is for sure today...
i def, will not have a seizure....
today...
right ?
hold that thought....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
your a special case.....
i love that expression...
"special case..."
ponder that one for a minute....
mike knight was a special case...
and what a hole he had...awesome...
one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass...
"descent into madness..."
heheee....
being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny....
destiny....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born...
full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real...
miracles....
if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle...
right?
but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere...
and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..."
then what??
and that even the darkness was god...
and that "god" was the darkness...
not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful...
and too much light can kill you...
yep, it sure can bro...
it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it...
it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a breakdown...
so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system...
a rejection of all the suppressions...
>>>>>>>>
and yeah, what if:
you just let it all -- come "out"
finally...
yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure...
thats right baby...just let it out...
and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love...
yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it?
pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god...
it hurts...
like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe...
for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time....
a new heaven on earth --- so to speak....
and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world....
>>>>>>>>>
the real world...ponder that one....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the first rule of becoming and being immortal:
or having eternal life:
first you have to die...
ponder that one....
and by the way...
i love you....
Sean
"Halloween parts one and two" by Seanbateman9 for seanblog
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
halloween
one year ago.
there was intent.
3am.
the beast comes out to play...
the cigarettes, the sex addiction, the anorexia, the debting...
the credit cards, the internet cruising, the loneliness, the despair...insomnia. misery loves company.
all the demons and fragments feed upon each other...
i formed a plan to get away...
this was my last chance --
i was going to wipe the beast from my mind body and spirit -- with a one - two - knock - out id take the beast out now weak and smug...
i would be clean from everything and the beast would not win...
everything you read, every movie you see is about a hero...
is about a person going for their dream...
this is our religion...finding your dream and making it happen...
on the outside the dream is fame - money - external things - cash and prizes but these were just a distraction...a distraction so nobody, not even my alcoholism, would know what the real game was -- what the real prize was...
the real prize was not to own things - collect things or put them under my jurisdiction.
the dream, the prize was to be free --
and thats always the prize...
to be from from the beast -- to be free of "it." to beat it....
have a clear head. a clean life....so it wouldn't have anything on me -- washed clean, ready for god to love me -- free from worry or doubt - that was my plan...
and slowly i began -- this entailed:
i ate when i didn't want to -- i stored my credit cards away, i cut my tabbacco consumption by 50%,
i no longer wanted to pump up my body - my ego - my cock or myself with things of this world...
i wanted to fix my soul...i wanted to go home - clean...
the way i came in...purified in the fire...of dignity of divinity.
i so desperately wanted to fix the hole in my heart that made me crave attention. made me want the things of this life constantly...the wanting - the wanting - and the never getting it right - there was no satisfaction. no humility for "god's" plan.
if i got something then my mind told me it was the wrong color - the wrong size, that i needed something else now - another person, apartment, another thing only to be discarded and this is what made me tired more than anything else...
i would rid myself of the voice that said all of those things, thrived on my doubts and fear of never being enough...
slowly and quietly i would remove all the toys that my dis-ease used against me...slowly but completely....
and this is what i set out to do...
but little did i know - the snake was recoiling only to strike - bite my ass and throw me around with a whiplash...
my body breaking down the toxins...the mental detoxes continued and my energy became like lightning...
all my energy went to my mental processes...to the needs of my soul...this evolved and aligned my energy but my body was breaking down in the process...could i with stand it ???
i like to think that i could -- but...many tests awaited...
tests of endurance and strength...tests of will - the will to continue and live in a world that gave me nothing to live for....
one side was being reborn and the other was dying and i was caught in the middle...
my soul grew warm.
my body cried in pain...
there was ecstasy and searing white hot pain...
there was my heart melting - there was a giant light around me turning to gold....
>>>>>>>
the pressure begins...
the owner of the building that i lived in for 18 years dies.
in the interim period of his dis-ease, descent and death the family ceases all business activity and fails to renew my expired lease...
repeated attempts to renew my lease fail. I begin to panic...
i occupy a rent stabilized apartment. by manhattan standards and current rental market prices my apartment would rent for around 1500.00 dollars...but i only pay 575.00 due to rent stabilization...
an apartment like mine, rent stabilized, two, three foot windows of southern exposure light, three rooms in the location of hells kitchen which is central to all of the city is a valuable commodity in the most expensive city in the world...
i try and try to contact the owners son to send me my new lease. he does not respond. there are rumors that the building is for sale. rumors that the new owners are going to harass the tenants to make them move at which point they could renovate the vacant apartments and charge a higher rents. the stakes are raised. this is very common in the city. as it stood i would have to prove that i had a lease. i was living in a vague idea of what my rights as a tenant were...my security was undermined. this is a central fear of all tenants in the city. the landlord wants you to move - to charge the next guy a higher rent.
in the intervening years of living under rent stabilization the rent in the city sky rockets 1000 per cent. but my income rises slowly. as it stood if i lost the space i was living in then i would not even be able to afford to move to an outer borough.
i'd have to leave manhattan...
deep within me a tension and fear began to swirl...and as you know when there is tension surely it wants release...an addict under the gun of fear...wants to run...
i would lose everything...could lose everything...
the thought of this generated such a fear within me that i broke out in a rash. hives covered my body but this was nothing compared to what came next...
without the safety zones you are exposed. without the chemicals of caffeine and nicotine things are magnified...
an addict under pressure will - "act out" that is to say - you will look for comfort even if it means picking up a chemical like alcohol or sex or going back into anorexia, to numb what you are experiencing...
the volume gets turned up higher...
something is wrong with my body...
i'am not sleeping at night.
and then at the place where i work as a bartender a bottle of "johnny black" is stolen from the bar...the owner begins a witch hunt to find the perpetrator...heads are gonna roll. someone is going to get canned...the screws tighten.
my home is a high pressure situation. my job was a high pressure situation. now it becomes a place of fear, back-stabbing and scheming...the other employees - the other bartenders know if iam the one that gets fired then four very lucrative bar shifts will be up for grabs...
one of the bartenders that i work with begins stealing money. she pockets the cash when she should ring up the sale. on occasion she pushes a twenty spot into my pocket also like hush money. the owners have spies that sit on the bar, trained to spot thieves...everything feels like it is about to come tumbling down...
iam headed for a breakdown i can tell...
no sleep. hives. i return to my anorexia and stop working out. i look gaunt and pale...i go to the emergency room for diarrhea...
my body refuses to hold any food...
iam under attack. my footholds of security are being taken away...
my two bases where i ground and support myself are shaking. i'am on shaky ground. iam under pressure. iam ready to crack...
my fortieth birthday approaches.
my goals and dreams are slipping away.
i have twenty years of photographs. i have twenty years of short stories. poems. artwork. all stored away that my time, effort and money helped create...the dream of earning a living from any of these ventures seems far away and eludes me.
the dreams of a young artist fresh and full of talent seem far away...
the material world values: power - financial power and youth and success...I'am losing my youth. i have failed to create financial power. i have failed to be recognized as a poet or writer or artist of note...
i have failed to find a partner in life...
Iam alone. it seeems to me that i have only grief, disappointments and a handful of scattered dull pain: shame begins to overtake me...
i'am far away.
i did my work. i was not lazy. people with less talent than myself got their chance. got a book deal. got paid.
got into the right gallery...
maybe my only chance now is that my poetry and art could be shown: post mortem...
if i knew that my lifes work could be deciphered or desimmentated or published or shown in my absence i would expire myself with the click of a gun...
right then and there...
i live because i want someone to know...to see what i have done...to give my "children" my artworks a chance to live in the world...but right now none of it - all the words and works would make sense to no one but myself...
it needed to be organized. edited. and then organized again.
the thought that my step mother sits on a family estate of over 25 million dollars begins to crush me...
she gives away money to evade the heavy taxes of the estate...
how easy it would be for her to write me a check. give me the money to upgrade my camera, computer and printer or have the free time to look for outlets to sell my photos. to garner representation. to make a switch into full time artist...
she does not call offering to help me...instead she sends me letters asking for money...letters asking that i donate to her favorite charities: one of which has my father's name on it.
the foundation gives money to fund underprivileged youths to go to college...
the focal point of her dissatisfaction with me ?
she won't give me money because i'am gay...
3am.
every night i awake. as if shaken by an unseen force.
i sit up and a flow of tingling buzzes through my legs and chest. wide awake. i pace back and forth in the tiny space. looking at the filing cabinets filled with artwork - poetry - photographs.
in the kitchen cockroaches crawl...then i turn on the lights. they are everywhere...i return to the edge of the bed.
I fall into despair...
cockroaches are in my bed. in a glass of water. crawling around the refrigerator. in my clothes...
i shake my head in disbelief...my life now has become a twilight zone of surreal regret and pain...
trapped.
i resolve to meditate my way through it. it cant last that long.
and then the clock strikes 7am and a jack-hammer goes off in the apartment next to mine...
the new owners are renovating the vacant apartment next to me.
sledgehammers shake the walls and a radio blares Spanish music and advertisements during the reprieves of the jack-hammering...
i'am being tested to my very core...
the pounding. the shaking. the opening of the walls. the cock roaches. the chain smoking. the insomnia. the anorexia. the sex addiction...all shows on my face...
i'am going downhill. fast. my mantra becomes:
"let go or be dragged..."
it's obvious that all hell is breaking loose in my conciousness...so typified by my outer reality...the bugs of my psyche are running in every direction...the walls of my foundation are being ripped open...
but there was more...
i begin to contemplate suicide.
every night around 3am. i awake from a dream. a dream of ghosts. ghosts having a grand time.
how i wish to join them...their world is a party. they have no cares.
my world is falling apart.
how i wish to escape to the other side and languish in their playful eternity...
every night i awake around 3am and one of the ghosts sits quietly on the side of my bed...kiel.
kiel has followed me from the haunted house of my dreams and makes his presence known...what he wants i can not say. he does not speak. he sits there. his presence is strong and does not fade.
>>>>>>>>>>>>
i get a phone call. it is my birth-mother. who by the way has been missing for more than 25 years...
she suddenly re-appears out of the blue.
"it's mommy."
i feel a heat in my head. a pain in my heart. and i itch everywhere.
"where have you been?" i inquire.
"nevermind..."
nevermind...that was the corker...
"now that your daddy's gone - i want to return to the family..."
thanks for sharing that.
my heart opens with rage and closes with resentment.
pause.
"no. a never mind is not gonna be good enough..." iam astounded and in awe at her audacity to return, now, as if no time elapsed.
to speak as if there were no consequences...but she does...
pause.
i wish to hear a tale of regret: of missing me. an apology. a confession. an explanation...a story of a catharsis or healing or redemption...finally i say...as an accusation...
"what do you want??"
"i have bad heart valves...or rather i did. i had open heart surgery. my doctor said that its hereditary...you should go to a doctor to get it checked out..."
"is that it?" i remark with no emotion what so ever...
i light a cigarette. my breathing is shallow.
"well - i thought id tell you that..."
the tip of the ice berg...here we go...
the cracking of the glacier of questions forming...
the match to the dynamite.
to the gasoline...the explosion...
the pause before it all blows up...
pause...
i await. in seconds i imagine what she could possibly say next:
i bow my head. my hand to my forehead...and consider:
she could say: "well - i'am a millionaire! or
i was kidnapped and held in an under ground government facility as a lab experiment...
i was abducted by aliens...
iam a big porn star....!!
i want to help you...
"jesus is coming!"
i want to repay all the years ive been gone.
i was in a cult that tortured me...
i worked for the CIA....
i wanted to explain why you've got the aura of a "witch..."
your the son of a king...
no.
she continues...
"i figured that after i left, you and your father would not get along...you looked so much like me, i mean...did you get disinherited??"
pause.
i inhale deeply.
"yes."
"well i think you should know...he wasn't your father..."
boom!
>>>>>>>>>>
"i'am gay..."
pause.
"i said I'am gay...and i'am a witch..."
pause.
"i'am an artist. i write poetry. i'am a bartender....i'am gay..."
"so are you talking to jesus?" she asks...
<> i think to myself...
are you talking to jesus...?
"yeah as a matter of fact - i just saw jesus on the a-train going downtown last night - he says "hi."
i light another cigarette.
pause.
"your < real? > father is a heart surgeon... he lives in DC. your actually jewish by the way...."
long pause...
click.
i hang up...
>>>>>>>>>
a poor man will give birth to a millionaire...
the christian man will give birth to a rebel...
the rich man will bring forth the artist
the hyper-masculine man will give birth to the faggot...
and now i know what iam ---
the love child of a doctor and a witch...
i'am a doctor and a witch.
I'am a doctor and a witch...
I'am a healer.
the road to becoming a sage is strewn with obstacles, burning hellfire, angels and pain...and letting go...the stormy road to god - paved with blood and wanting...sweat. cum and lust...denial and acceptance...
let go or be dragged...
let go and be dragged...
whomp- there it is!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
medicate the pain...
the desire to drink comes back to me after 20 years grace...
a bloody mary would be sooo good right now --
some valium would be nice...a few joints, a few razor blades. a bottle of jack daniels. a few guys on viagra...a hotel room at the chelsea hotel...
my sober plan?
get laid and chain smoke.
the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
halloween in manhattan.
the crucible has begun.
the gauntlet coming...
"what doesn't kill me will make me stronger..."
"what doesn't kill me will preserve my body only to stretch out the misery..."
I'am being carved up - the demons - vampires and vultures - circling around my body...
tearing the dis-eased meat from the bones...
but first the beast will make sure it has its way with me...once and for all so i never forget...
i command the forces of the universe to my corner...
lets go fucker...
stop tapping me -
stop trying to hit me
and hit me !
the lightning. the wind and the water all belong to me...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
news flash - hurricane katrina begins to rip apart new orleans...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
if the beast is godzilla - then iam mega-godzilla...
i open my mouth and fire scorches the land...i throw my hand to the right...a skyscraper tumbles...
citizens are scrambling....the villagers run and scream!!!
i wait for the counter punch...
whoosh --
the beast flies away...for now.
no doubt he will return with mothra...and titanasaurus...
there will be nothing left...
until then i would surely walk the tightrope between destruction and chaos...and creativity...
sex and death....
death and re-birth....
until then iam only happy when it rains...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i gather my forces. regroup. the shock-waves to my psyche are now the battle call.
the battle cry.
one mother. one father. three sets of parents...
my birth mother:
italian. dark hair. dark eyes. full of astrology. full of jesus. full of judgments and confessions...
mysteries of the past. reappearing to rock my foundations...
my birth father:
medic. doctor. heart surgeon. absent. italian and jewish. lost. gone. somewhere. his eyes...
the eyes of a witch? an alien? a shaman?
most definitely the eyes of something "otherworldly..."
i was conceived in the isles of a pharmacy...among all the pills that would make the world feel better...
all the while my father looking at her with those eyes...
a question answered...where did you get those eyes??
>>>>>you have the eyes of an old soul...a priest,
a god, a healer, an alien, a movie star...
a teen idol....
an ascendant master??
the only thing i could ever count on in this life...someone would always comment on my eyes...my only guarantee:
if i needed to i could burn a hole right through someone's head with my gaze or hypnotize them at will...it was true power.
the colors change and go from liquid blue to ice green to a light light yellow...to that of a pharaoh. a prince. royalty. to the unwanted. the unloved. the criminal. the con artist. the magician. the child...the angel. the chosen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
my step mother:
british. quiet. cool. grounded in the harsh realties. never sugar coating anything...life is about hard work and you have no right to complain...might makes right. everything has an order. on the money. precise. creative. complex.
my step father: abrasive. funny as hell. sparkling blue eyes. brilliant. a business genius...powerful. quiet. harsh. german.
obsessed with money. a millionaire several times over. unforgiving...suspicious.
my adopted parents...
the next door neighbors...mr and mrs. kramer.
mr. kramer: kind. patient. passive. in the garage. woodworking.
loving. let go and let god...accepting. caring. frail...
mrs. kramer: loved me like her own. we looked like son and mother. she is my first spiritual teacher. mixing telepathy, christianity and love...she has angels in her house. she loves me and she loves god...she probably knew i was gay. she believed in re-incarnation. she told me once that a still born child she had years ago - she always felt that it was me and that i belonged to her either way...confessed that she "took too many pills" one afternoon. she was afraid that she might have fallen in love with a friend - her girlfriend in college...
around her i felt at home...
she told wonderful stories. a writer and dreamer.
i wanted to be around her day and night. we prayed together.
her two abercrombie-esque twins ken and phil blonde and blue eyed likewise adopted my parents...we basically traded parents...
i was a child of the universe. i belonged to no one...
destined to wander and learn. to become all of them...
they all fought over me. the all taught me. they all protected me. they all loved me but none of them could own me...
i congealed into the spirit of a gypsy.
full of vengeance and compassion. knowledgeable of the lower and upper worlds...more than human but not quite a full fledged god...my intelligence was exponential...my body morphed. my spirit was cleansed and damned...
i was blessed and cursed and lucky to know them all...
each one powerful in their own way...
i took everything they gave me.
i could call forth each of them at will to help me. i draw on them all...they all live inside of me...in my heart.
my lifes work: to collect all the fragments and bind them with love...
a new breed...
sometimes your destiny chooses you...
and all of this on my head each day...and yet:
after the game the king and pawn go into the same box...
may god's will be done:
see me...
feel me...
touch me...
heal me...
my destiny was to heal the world or destroy it...
this i knew and the meantime i would try not to tease the humans who got in my way...
but i must confess i always kissed the boys and made them cry....
the beast would return to me and soon enough...
if you could win your battle with all your powers intact then you have done good and will fight another day...
if you can win your battle with all your weaknesses showing and your strength gone then surely no one or nothing will ever challenge you again....
i dared that i would be that free...
my mind grew strong...my body became weak...
this is what was god wanted because this is what happened...
the levies of my psyche rose...
the beast would be fooled by my appearance...worn old and dying as i was...
but all the while my spirit and mind prepared and grew strong...
i was ready.
halloween
3am
i awake and begin popping herbal pills...
<>
rishi mushroom. fo-ti. sarsparilla, maca, cayenne, gotu-kola, ginko biloba, garlic, arginnine, amino acids, vit-c - e - a and the b's...yerba mate' and red clover...to clear away evil...
<>
none of this potent brew would go to strengthen my actual body. as i prayed over it i instructed the energies of these herbs and this tonic to go straight to my mind and spirit...
while my genitals shrank my nimbus glowed...true stares came to me on the street but only from the knowing:
and then there were gazes of love and compassion. this spun my head around and around. i was so invested in looking good and now that i didn't - in fact i looked quite the opposite people were kind and generous...the love began to melt me...
at first it hurt and stung...
i was a walking paradox...of frailty and power...i was burning alive and ashen gray...
my physical body once coveted and praised for the beauty it contained now oozing the pus and pain and dis-ease...i always held inside. now i could see it. i was manifesting all the deformities of my scars and pain.
i had the sunken face of a demon. the eyes of the alienated. glowing with rage. the skin of the weary. my muscles were wasting away...i was simply a bag of bones flying down the street...there was absolutely no water in my blood or veins...
and then a constant thirst. always a blinding thirst.
brittle - exposed and raw and numb all at once...
i could hear the demons howl with delight...hehehehehe--
"he has fallen!!...the golden child will soon expire..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>if i had only my vague dreams and precise words to seduce you into believing all that which is true then i would not believe it myself...
but things had happened. things to point to and say: did you see that?
in my early twenties i bought my first video camera. hot to see what i looked like jerking off a load i positioned the camera at a tilted angle toward the bed. i put on a private show for myself. bending over like an amateur porn star: waving my cock around - trying to suck my own dick...falling to my knees pretending to get fucked by a gang of hot studs...it was quite a performance indeed. and then coming up to orgasm. standing on the bed. the drapes open and the window exposed...i cum. and lo and behold: lightning struck outside at the exact moment i came...caught on tape. it was unmistakable...
anger or wild lustful sex, a strong precise clarity about what i was feeling brought about instant changes in the weather...
rain. thunder. lightning. i'am lightning...
soon i would look for the weather to change. if i felt despair - a sudden downpour of rain...if i was angry; wind. when i was at peace: fog rolled in...
this was amazing.
the "masters" were showing me things...
the forces seemed to court me...and soon i arose to their challenge. i began to intentionally manipulate the weather...was directly connected to it...
unseen forces around me...of light and dark...
whispering. teaching. trying to help me. heal me. seduce me. perhaps even impregnate me. destroy me. create me.
renegade angels just below the fount of heaven deciding i belonged to them...i would become their masterpiece: the masterpiece of angels...
in the meantime: the demons on the otherhand realized my rage and lust...my ability to devour men. to hear the winds and command the thunder...to destroy as quickly as i created...
to seduce you into sensuality and reticence...
and still i gave my allegiance to no one...
i only asked that i be approached with respect...
they would all show me what was possible and then i would choose...but until then i was content in the school of the cosmos being led...usurping power and knowledge...
from all of them...
it seemed the weather favored me: and this told me that perhaps i was more "shaman" than anything else...
but still holding out to find my true spiritual brethren...
>>>>>>>>>>>
perhaps someday i will tell you about my experiences shortly before hurricane andrew wiped florida nearly off the coast in 1992.
after a brief visit with gurumayi i awake to a searing back spasm...the entire right side of my body as if it had disappeared...internal movements causing my stomach to distend like that of a budda...
i lay in bed. was it a breakdown or breakthrough??
i lay in bed several months watching andrew devastate the land and people: feeling the swirling patterns of winds in my mind and spirit...
but for now that will have to wait...
lets continue our descent into hell...and keep your eyes on the prize...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
it's 3am - all hallos eve.
insomnia...
i cant get no sleep...
Iam totally jack-up on herbal speed...
on past halloweens i have dressed as "nature,"
an art dealer/vampire, a dead soldier, a zombie bride, the joker,
an angel of peace...
i sit on the edge of my bed. the bed of dreams and no sleep...
the bed of love and lust and wanting...the bed of ghosts.
should i stay or should i go now??
go downtown.
to the unending carnival of drunken spirits. hob-goblins, fraternity boys wanting their first homosexual experience...drag queens, fairies, moms, teachers, newscasters,
she-dominatrixes, the lonely, the discarnate, the stars, the lurkers...all prancing the streets of the west village wanting to see...in the grandest parade of costumes: the epi-center of the spiritual universe explodes...into the streets, all the spirits be they kind - worthy or loving will be in attendance...
i sit on the edge of my bed and close my eyes...i fall into a dream. the dream is simple: a desert landscape of white rocks and mountains. a grand dirt highway carved through the hills and piles of granite. jagged mountain rise above a day-lit sky: cloudless and foreboding. and then a giant white stallion. angry, running, majestic, powerful appears...followed by thousands of faceless men and women and children...they are throwing rocks at the awesome stag. some screaming in awe, their faces all gazing toward - running toward the powerful animal who is trying to escape...there is a frenzy of energy swirling...
a group of people head off the running, precise white god, he stops, slides and rises up on his hind legs kicking...and then cries. a perfect clear whinny from his throat pierces the heavens -- then there is silence and all movement stops as his front hooves hit the rubble...he snorts and takes one hoof and scratches it against the rocks and raises his head...
as if to charge...everyone waits.
and then an enormous spear from nowhere enters the stallion's side. he cries again. tries to run and then falls into a deep crevice below...as he is falling...
I awake with a cry -- "NO!"
this is so fucking, "not good" - i think to myself...
a canyon of despair rises up within me...
i've got to get out of here...
the stench of a dark omen circling around...
i tie a bandanna over my head. adorn my eyes with eye liner. fashion necklaces of gold around my neck. slide my torso into a white poets shirt unbuttoned...black pants and black boots...
i will be a pirate. a gay pirate. a pirate with a huge cock. a jolly roger' >>a beautiful rogue...
i step out into the night...the pavement damp. the sky crisp, the dream of the fine white stallion fading into the skyline of mist and screams...
happy halloween!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the west village
i walk slowly trying to decide what kind of pirate to be:
swarthy and masculine. kinda fey and sly, dirty and crusty,
walk the plank...or shiver me timbers...
my body adjusts into a kinda handsome, shinning thief...with quiet steady eyes...the center of my torso teeming with power... my white, open shirt billows in the night...
i wander and disappear into the subway cars, into the blue endless streets of moonlight, the abandoned side streets.
the coolness of the pavement present upon my heels... as the noise of the city and its night light of black and orange glows ever brite downtown...
pulling me in and toward the parade of the unnatural...the un-dead, the unwanted...
as i roam i hear the music of "faithless'"
"insomnia"
the intro is perfect...
here the following lyrics...
I only smoke weed when I need to,
And I need to get some rest,
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress,
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty,
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet,
Make my way to the refrigerator,
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam,
When the light above my head went bam!
I can't sleep, something's all over me,
Greasy, insomnia please release me,
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath,
Tearing off tights with my teeth.
But there's no relief,
I'm wide awake in my kitchen,
It's dark and I'm lonely,
Oh, if I could only get some sleep,
Creaky noises make my skin creep,
I need to get some sleep,
I can't get no sleep...
i'am filled with the night. i'am the night and its cool abiding darkness and promise. something will happen tonight.
this is a guarantee...something wild and unforgettable...will transpire to knock my ass further down the rabbit hole: down - down and down...
will it be weird sex? - true love? - rape or violence?
meeting the devil of my fears or the man of my dreams ?
i can not say...
all are possible tonight...
i wait quietly on a side street in the west village...
dazed.
leaning against the hood of a parked car...
soon rising to meet a climax not even i could have guessed at...
straggling Halloween revelers float by...gender fuck leather boys in make-up smoking, another pee-wee herman rides by, dancing purple dinosaurs, tinky winkies, an entire enchanted forest which i was impressed with...parades down the block and then disappears...and then perfect quiet.
i light a fag and then "she" appears...
she is waving her hand toward me, as if she recognized me and realizes we have a date..."there you are..."
i see a hobbling...ah, i see a crown, a blonde wig of curls, a turquoise dress with a white rabbit fur wrap...she's a ???
miss america?
an abused princess?
a rodeo drag-queen-clown??
i dunno.
she's 5 foot four tall.
"give me a cigarette honey..." she waves her tiny hand in my face...
i look quizzical and examine him puzzled...ah your a --?
"i'am the prom queen honey...."
i guffaw loud and sharp...
"oh - yes you are...ok. oh i get it...well your corwn is crooked and i see you've broken a heel...sweetheart - did the prom king or was it the football team who ruffed you up tonight??"
"neither..." she leans in while i spark my lighter to the cigarette now coated in orange lipstick...the flare of my bic highlights her mouth and eyes...our eyes meet...
I pause.
my mind scans the aura. the actual body. the eyes. the body posture to reveal...nothing. there are no clues to what he is - under there --- so for now he will have to remain the psychotic prom queen...shes up for anything...it's obvious --
hehehehee...the mind-fuck artist swells up inside me...
i keep her at a distance... yeah whatever...how was your night...?
"well..ah you can see..." she squints and inhales...and gives me the once over...her eyes seem to sparkle but only like that of
rhinestones....she adjusts her wig.
i laugh.
it's an evil mumbling, "i'am cooking up something real special for you" laugh...
she smiles this really fucked up - dried mouth - mommy orange lipstick smile and bats her eyes to the sky and giggles...
i laugh a loud pee-wee herman cackle and forward my torso and throw back my head...and then inhale whats left of my cigarette...and then flick it away...
"well...shall we?"
her eyes widen...i'll just let her think shes snagged her prey...
for now...
"oh - i'am quite parched. ah - do you care for a drink?? my treat..." she offers and then wraps her shoulders tight into her fur wrap and swishes her hips back and forth toward the bar door limping but chest forward...
"ok. lets go." i follow checking out his ass...ah maybe theres a possibility here...maybe hes a buffed east village stud under there...maybe hell fuck me with that dress on...let me wear the crown...suck my cock in the bathroom and coat my balls with lipstick...lick my ass while some weird-ass clown-vampire watches...who-yaaaa!
the disco music form the bar pulls us in...
the door opens. the smoke and sweat and heat from all the humans wafts into the sky...yes! we want to go inside there and see all the perverted fucked up things people are doing tonight...
"i follow you into helllll!" i scream and we disappear into the universe that is called: "the pieces bar..."
we work our way through the crowd. the place is wall to wall packed - i announce our arrival by waving one arm high into the air and dancing into the place...fuck yes. i'am having fun - everyone is acting out -- and away we go....!
down - down - down - into the pit of insanity...
we are pushed toward the bar from behind...it seems theres a riot at the door: two star wars storm troopers - a chewbacca and a princess leia are arguing with the door man...
an amazon freakish female warrior/wonder woman - catches the spotlight and waves a drink tray held by red-elbow length gloves above our heads and points the way as if to expose a tiny semi-circle stage...pushing through the standing room only audience wonder woman hits the stage and says:
"you may not be ready for this one - but here she is anyway!!"
just then - this blubbering whale of - a man ? a she-male?
a woman ? ah -- no identifiable race - could be mexican - phillipino - asian fusion, half black...kinda pin-head - freak-show of a human being stumbles and tumbles onto the stage...
her dress, caftan flies up...she is sweating...with fatty cheeks aglow...she raises her arm high -
"here I'am !!!"
the crowd screams...
the wonder woman emcee - pushes her out of the way...
and into the background and grabs the mic --
"not yet honey...tonight...the mother of all gong shows..."
the red glove points to a tiny red gong that appears from the ceiling and dips and stops: swinging like a noose next to the disco ball...
"TONIGHT -- contestant number one -- "the chinchilla from manilla" trying to win the grand prize of 55 american dollars to get her ah... "operation" for ah...? FOR WHAT honey?...."
the humanoid...eager to begin tries to respond and tries to grab the mic to speak...but the red glove pushes her out of the way...wonder woman pauses...and tilts her head - insult upon glorious insult...spills from her ruby lips...then she teases contestant number one by holding the mic close enough to speak but then pulls it away...
"nevermind dear...nobody cares anyway..."
"maestro - music please..." wonder woman perches the mic onto its stand and leaves...
"toot - toot - hey....... beep - beep! bad gurlzz!"
the caftan swirls. the beast dances and glides...the crowd goes absolutely fucking wild ---
everyone dances...and sways together...
"talking about baaad girls yeah!! - do you wanna get dooown??"
she spins and holds them...waves her arms. her chance in a lifetime...she is living it honey....
I'am sparkling with glee - i feel coated with fairie dust...
a drink appears from the prom queen who i had forgotten and i take it...nodding thanks...
and then turn my eyes back onto the circus dance. which resembles an elephant on two legs covered in fake Hawaiian plastic flowers...
the stage nearly caving in from her weight, the flabby under arms bouncing...the psychotic karaoke...the horsey mouth - the bloodless lips moving about - the ass sashaying...
the crowd begins to chant in unison...
"GONG - GONG - GONG.......!"
i feel a compassion and pity and identification with this poor creature that pulses my heart almost to tears...singing her heart out as she was...
all the dreams of love and acceptance in her eyes...and surely the crowd would never let her have it...
how vicious and delicious and cruel and ah -- new york...
i swear to god i almost peed my pants laughing and swearing to god to never forget this night...or this sight...
"GONG - GONG - GONG!"
now the crowd is getting mean.
"get off the stage fattie!"
"fuck off!"
peals of laughter...
people begin mooing like cows....
"COW/LADY ! COWLADY...!!! GO AWAY !!"
OMG!
I've never seen anything like this...
wonder woman appears -
the red gloves beats the gong - again and again and again and then with an incredible speed throws back two shots of, i guess it was bourbon...and then tries to push fattie right off the stage....
wonder woman pushes --- but cowlady pushes back...
wonder woman then goes right for the jugular...and pulls fatties top off....it's almost a riot of screams...
"lets see whatcha got there -- but cha are BLANCHE...ya arrre a cow---!"
the red glove swinging around the now untied halter top...
cow lady - sweaty and tired and exposed tries to regain her composure...and grab her top back...the red glove tosses it to the crowd..."there ay go..." and then cow lady shows herself to be - i think a pre-op transsexual with kinda fatty like swinging man-titties...the poor creature...floundering around...
"auk - your done! >>>>>ay didn't know we were going to have a DONKEY show tonight did ya ??"
with a strong push from behind...wonder woman ejects cow/fatty from the stage...she flies and hee-haws through the air...
"there she goes folks...side of beef anyone ?? NEEEEXT..."
GONG....
the room is spinning..i think i've been drugged. someone has slipped me a mickey...i'am going to pass out...
i taste my drink again - sure enough - it has the faint taste of Spanish fly ? valium? drano? GHB?
ah, i dunno but its taking effect...
a fight has broken out. its time to leave...before the bar is ripped into...well: pieces....smirk.
TA-TA...
i slip through the crowd easily toward the door...the sound of screams and glass breaking echo as i hit the street...
i look up...the moon is full.
posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Thursday, August 31, 2006
halloween - part two
hallowen - part two
i stand under the moonscape. clouds, mist and fog are invading manhattan: and then a perfect full moon announces itself completing the stars and heavens...
the bar is emptying out.
my bad dreams seem like three eternities away...
it's quiet. i breathe...
the bar is gone...
i feel like my mind is thinking...but i'am not thinking...i'am pulled in the full of the night...it's around 4am...
i'am drugged but do not fully realize it...it's a dull and vague set of clouds rolling above me, through me...around me...
the witches, skeletons and ghosts continue to filter by and through the streets...coming and going...
i look up - the moon smiles...the clouds dance...the stars are red...
"hey."
i hear a voice. it is kiel...
"are you having a good time tonight?" he asks...
"....kiel. ? kiel...?"
"i'am right here..." i hear...and then an angel appears glowing with a luminosity: ethereal and warm...
it is kiel. walking toward me...
"oh god. i miss you so much. where have you been? what are you doing here?" i reach out to touch him...my hand goes right through the air...
"i think somebody put something in my drink...in the bar..."
"that was quite a show in there..." kiel remarks and laughs...
the laugh of an old dear friend. someone you have missed every minute since they've been gone...i sigh into the chance to say all the things ive wanted to tell him...ask him.
"whats it like over "there?" i inquire and nod...
"youd be surprised. it's not that different." he smiles.
he looks deep into my eyes...and i begin to cry...
"just as your connected to spirits on the "other side" were likewise connected to you...the only difference is now the "other side" is, well here. in the realms of the living..."
"you have to figure the perfect time for a full fledged visit is on halloween: under a full moon...halloween." he smiles as if to remember all the smells and lights and candy and parties and fun...he meets my eyes again...
a pack of red devils walks by...
"and like i said. it's not that different..."
the devils are sharing a joint and the smell of pot reeks into the space between us...they are smoking and laughing...
"ah - you did go to heaven - didn't you?" i ask...
"it's not like that...think of it like, if your in new york. then i'am in Montana...ah -- something like that..."
"ok. whatever the fuck that means..." i shake my head...
"oh god you look so beautiful. the last time i saw you - you were in the hospital. you looked so awful..."
"i remember...i screamed at you and said: "why are you looking at me like - I'am dying...?"
"the pain on your face...you were gone three days later..."
"the pain is gone."
i look up. kiel shimmers like the moon. the same hazy whiteness around his aura...his face is the moon. he winks...
"see ya around..."
I look down...
"hey wait a minute...i want to know what its like to die..."
there is a pair of high heels in front of me. squaring off toe to toe...i see the heel on one of the shoes is broken...i panic. i look up. it's her...
>>>>>>>>"where did you go?" his voice is squeaky and he seems impish and small...his make-up is blotchy but still i cant not seem to read his aura or get a clear idea of what's underneath...sexy hot stud or village troll...
"i'am going home." i remark flatly and turn to leave...
"WAIT! don't go - please. i have tickets to the party at the palladium..."
i'am swaying back and forth...his voice is now slowing down...
it seems altered. slower. lowered. his eyes spark. he touches my hand. his touch is warm: "please...go with me..."
"i don't even know you..." i remark coldly. "i should just..."
"it's the best party of the year..." he holds up two tickets.
one hundred dollars each. sold out months in advance. youd have to be a fool to pass this up...and then i think besides...
you can always ditch her prom-queen ass and find someone more ah - suitable to your liking - like the prom king...
"ok lets go..." i turn up the street. and no sooner then i agree she turns back into the waifey, demure, hobbling goblin kinda bouncing his head and waving his tiny wrists around...i walk fast because i dont anyone to recognize me with her...
she's getting on my nerves..."yes - i will use her ticket and then ditch her ass...totally...."
the devils grin appears.
"ok cmon, lets go --"
on the way there - a sexy-ass abercrombie football player grabs my shirt - grabs me and lays a deep full kiss onto my lips...
"let me tackle you tonight bro!??" he asks. looks into my eyes.
hes hot and young. hes dirty blonde. tall and buffed. he bites my lip..."i'll see you later..." he nods and heads to the entrance line.
"ok here we are." i look around. the sight is amazing. a winding que of costumes...good witches - bad witches - dead cheerleaders - a king kong - green sparkling aliens - spartacus and seven gladiators in jockstraps ... cowboys - clowns -
a starbucks coffee cup - the manhattan skyline - tinkerbell -
another pee - wee herman rides by on a red bike and the tinkle of a bell goes off...
then we all turn to see a pack of ghosts - like something out of the haunted mansion - - on stilts - float by - everyone is quiet...
they look real...they are close to twelve feet tall - raiments of shimmering white - they seem to hover in mid air...
hands down the ghost parade is the high light of the evening...
beautiful...truly ghost like and other worldly...
i spy the door man.
i happen to know her from years ago when i was promoting clubs. she waves me over...she is in a kinda of "jetson's" drag with silver make -up...she opens the ropes...
i look back to the football player and sparticus to make sure they see my VIP entrance and they do.
I think to myself...
"one of those bros is getting a blow job in the bathroom tonight at the least... i nod and wink...
and walk through like royalty...
the prom queen grabbing my hand...
i thank the drag queen door man -
"good to see you sweetie..." acknowledging her power and giving thanks...
a quick air kiss on the cheek...
and the red velvet ropes close behind us...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"fuck - iam really high..." i mumble and stumble toward the set of six doors. the middle two now opened for us by two beefeater guards...
in a darkened hallway before us color swirls and then
running around us and spinning around us are tea-cups...
pink and blue tea-cups...a white rabbit, alice in wonderland...all singing: "I'am late. i'am late for a very important date..." the mad hatter appears. manic. laughing screams...throwing cards..."would you like some tea??"
two female attendants appear with actual tea - pots. they are wearing plastic hoop skirts below the waist which have no material on them...they are twins. they are blonde. they have straight perfect blonde hair and perfect 36 d cup boobs pushed forward. they are full of smiles...
the mad hatter shrieks with delight...and hands me a tea cup
of tea...
"drink this tea....now" he implores...a little magic for your night ah an enhancer....some magic...i mean the tea...the tea is -- magic..."
i drink the tea...the mad hatter's eyes widen...
he shrieks and runs away...gone
the tea cups swirl and float away.
we are on a conveyor belt...
there is silence. you can feel the muted base sounds of music...
we are in a long silent hallway filled with mirrors...
behind the mirrors - faces appear and then fade...
and then the main room doors open up --
there is a small landing and then down a grand stair case we go...
the dance floor...
bats are flying above. real bats.
there is a clock tower lighting up the space with an orange glow. gonging...gong - gong - gong - like a reverberating big ben -- and the hands on the clock are twirling fast - backwards around and around...lightning and shrieks: a small portal opens near the top of the tower and a shriek is belted over the speakers - the wicked witch of the west appears waving her hands..."i'll get you my pretty!!"
the wizard of oz, it's disneyland, warner bros, the house of horrors, the chainsaw massacre, freak night - fright night - fairee dust - devils brew - cob-webbed. flowing fog and then a long intro of music begins...
i look above -
out of nowhere three swings appear from the ceiling to reveal three swim suit models swinging...reminiscent of an MGM - ester williams spectacular - they glide through the air...
long intro of music....
it had to be...the red velvet curtains slowly pull back to reveal on the stage high above the dance floor...
madonna in high aristocrat drag:??
VOUGE....
yes -- a line of high -- high drag - high queens take the stage but then...theres a flash of white...
the witch screeches
the gong - gongs...
another white flash and then...
vougue...
they re-appear as ghouls...still dressed in aristocrat gowns
but now the gowns are ripped and faded...
they are joined by foot men...also ghouls and also dressed in torn and faded 18th centruy drag...
they take the stage...
the witch screams in delight.
vogue.
a mix of "thriller" fades in and out...
the bass rumbles the entire foundation...
stomps.
hand poses....
stop. frozen in a pose...
ghouls vouguing === vogue....vogue...vogue...
the crowd tears down the house...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I'am standing in the middle of everything. truly in awe-shock...
the only thing to happen now could be lightning striking and burning the house to sunders...
but the frenzy continues....
all the while more loud gongs and the rabbit hole of my mind widening ever greater...the mad hatter's tea hitting me - my corwn chakra opens...iam dizzy. iam floating. iam the room...
like a hypnotists wheel...spinning and spinning and spinning...
and flying...
then an interruption...
the prom queen is trying to kiss me. i had forgotten all about her...
i push her away...cold and flat.
the seven gladiators part the dance floor...one turns my way - hes dark and handsome and tosses his jock strap to my hands...
i bring it up to my nose and inhale of it deeply...and nod -
fuck yes!
a whoosh of testosterone and muscles...delights my senses...
>>>>this is the party people will talk about for decades...
like truman capotes black and white ball at the plaza.
the closing of the saint party
the first white party in miami
peter gaitiens - hospital bloodfest - diluaded party
the opening of the "area" night club...
the "rent" tompkin square park riots
woodstock
the opening of the roxy
and this....the event of the decade...
vogue.
tinkerbell appears and sprinkles fairy dust and the disco ball above explodes.
silver confetti dances and falls onto the dancefloor. the laughter from "thriller" can be heard --
a trumpet announces something new.
the gong sounds off again...
two enormous congo drums slowly descend into view: swaying above the dance floor...ala cirque du soliel...
two perfectly over-built muscle boys hold up giant batons...and then strike the drums...
glenda the good witch appears...and waves a wand.
a lazer beam shoots from one end - she points it to the clock tower and then strikes the wicked witch dead and says...
"let the party begin...!"
then the intro to "thriller" begins and explodes into a new frenzy of movement...
it's raining pills. god only knows what they are - candy - ecstasy - rainbow juice...party enhancers...people gobble them up and a drum chant begins the call to sensuality. power and might...
everything is awash in a hallucination...
a vision of beautiful...
dreaming and dreaming without end...
in the michael todd room - bar under the famed basquiant mural
the prom queen offers me another drink...and we embrace in a long strange endless kiss...
we fly to the moon...
slowly i slide my hand up her dress...
she doesn't stop me.
and then to what my wandering hands appears...?
the phallus of satan...
the donkey dick of my career in sex addiction.
an easy ten inches - hard - moist - potent - in my hand.
it presses against me...
i almost fall to my knees to suck it by instinct....
it had to be...the biggest dick ive ever touched...
"lets get out of here..." i mumble.
ive got to see it.
touch it. see it with my eyes.
get fucked by it...
wear the crown...and make her fuck me --
the little imp from hell riding his ass pony into the inferno of brimstone - HELLFIRE!
the gods are merciful!
they will surely punish me for three eternities for this but let me be dammed...i want that freak-cock...
then...
a pause...suddenly we are on the street...
we are in a cab.
next were up the stairs.
then through the door. the door closes. the chain-bolt: bolted. i sit and rest amidst - lawn furniture and fake astro-turf and plastic geese...
the prom queen flicks a switch and the plastic geese light up....
quack - quack.
the living room of the prom queen...
she saunters around - "well here it is..."
she disappears into the back of the apartment into the dark, doing something...she fiddles with the stereo and then a kenny G record begins to play scratchy on a phonograph...
i feel mildly buzzed and euphoric. my ass twitching from the thought of that humongous dick sliding up my moist greasy butt...
then her face again. powdered and white and ghastly appears. teeth and lips...
"let me make you some tea..."
i look around.
i see a farrah fawcet poster. figurines are everywhere. a macramé pot holder...articles from the 70s. a scott baio poster...my eyes are blurry and fogged...and slowly i begin to realize that i'am in a time warp... circa 1977...
something is not quite right...like the last five minutes before the titanic hits the ice berg...i feel a dread...a whisper...
a calling...a panic...
leave now!
......or forever be frozen here...
go....!! run!!!
but the thought of seeing his huge member just once more and putting it in my mouth holds me there...
suddenly the tea kettle whistles off loud and then -
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the spell is broken!
I stand up...
i grab the fur wrap from his shoulders...and fling it through the air...
she turns away - to the dark...she turns her back...
things are happening frame by frame...under a strobe light...still frame and magnified...
her back is not the back of some hot east village stud muffin...
no. no no. its bony and hairy and ugly...and grotesque...
she cowers...
my hand grabs her shoulder and then i pull the wig off hard...
I pull his cheek into the light....
i see her eyes - straight from the gallows of hell!
red and sunken...
and then i scream -
the loudest most pathetic scream - emanates from deep below....
from both of us - she screams - I scream - my jaw shakes with violence..
"you tricked me!"
i grab the straps of her dress...and rip them down...hard and mean. hes naked. except for a pair of white silk panties. decripid and old...and then there it is.
the ten incher standing high and erect like a flagpole...SMACK!
i belt him square in the face. a good hard smack. and he flies into the dark...against the stereo and the record scratches loud and the music stops...
I have snapped...
i kick the lawn furniture over and throw the table upside down...
i kick the string of plastic geese and they fly throw the room -- quacking and into a mirror...sparks fly
i look into the mirror and then slowly it cracks...and falls to the floor...i ponder my image fragmenting...and cry and try to touch my face...
then her face appears next to me --- my eyes widen again...now wigless and totally exposed our eyes meet...
"you drugged me!" i yell.
"no - no - no....." his hair is dyed oompah loompa orange and in patches flies wildly into the air...he is part munchkin, part elephant man, part oompah-loompah and all freak...cracked dirty teeth, bad breath, leather skin...full of distress and pain..SMACK!
"let go of me!"
i run to the door and pull it open. true terror at having kissed this creature rages through my mind...i pull the door but the chain-bolt holds me there-- if i dont leave then and there i will be broken in ways that will never be repaired. i will never be the same again. and then with a hard pull as if i could claw the door open with my very mouth the door jamb breaks and splinters.
freedom...soon...
she runs toward me.
grabbing my shirt and falling to her knees...crying...i push her back into the dark and she echos -- saying...
"its not the hair...its the person...!!"
pleading and then i boot kick to the center of his chest ---
thud...he flies back...
he disappears.
she hits something hard and it all stops and i fly down the stairs screaming:
"i made out with the elephant man...!
i almost fucked an ommpah-loompah! somebody help me!
somebody please ---- help me!"
the streets are dead-calm.
i flag a cab
lightning strikes above and then rain as if unzipped from the heavens...falls and coats everything.
i jump into the cab and throw a twenty onto the front seat...
"DRIVE! fast -- "
the cab bouncing and jumping over pot-holes quick - and speeding away --
from the backseat i stare...
as if freak-man could somehow escape his dungeon and find me....screaming and running through the streets following me to midtown...i look back just to make sure - i sigh relief....
i wish i would have hand-cuffed him to the floor....
now i wish i would have stayed and thought up some elaborate torture...a special torture just for him...
shit on him. put tiger balm up his ass...
put him in a cage and piss into it...
hang him upside down...nothing would be too strange...
rain is pelting the cab...
the cab driver inquires...
"sir - where are going??"
he is gone...
but the night i'am afraid is not over just yet...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the cab driver rambles on about this and that and this and that...his mindless chatter begins to normalize me back in the material world...
but i'am still drugged, dazed and oddly aroused...
my my mind half-baked, my dick half hard-oozing pre-cum...
i feel a warm space in my chest and a buzz, like a shaking inside...
the cab stops with a halt. i throw another 20 throw the partition and step to the curb...
the rain has stopped...
abba music plays from an apartment one flight up...
"the visitors"
i know the lyrics and tempo well...
Now I hear them moving muffled noises coming through the door I feel Im crackin up
Voices growing louder, irritation building and Im close to fainting crackin up
They must know by now Im in here trembling in a terror evergrowing crackin up
My whole world is falling, going crazy there is no escaping now, Im crackin up
Now I hear them moving muffled noises coming through the door
I feel Im crackin up voices growing louder, irritation building and Im close to fainting crackin up
(I have been waiting for these visitors)
They must know by now Im in here trembling in a terror evergrowing crackin up
(I have been waiting for these visitors)
My whole world is falling, going crazy there is no escaping now, Im crackin up
(I have been waiting for these visitors)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the visitor...
as i step from the cab to the curbside i hear the abba music - perfect and clear. i slam the cab door and head for the corner bodega for a pack of smokes. my body is almost to the door but my head turns while walking forward to spy a twenty something tallish guy in red sweat pants...
its obvious that hes not wearing any underwear or boxer shorts because i can see the outline of his cock perfectly which looks full and semi-hard and really nice and big...
my devil horns protrude.
hmmmm -- ?
could be straight - could be gay....could just want a bj....
i shoot a look to him...that surely, in any language would be translated into: "WANNA FUCK?? i wanna suck it - i'll swallow..."
he stands outside and waits: then shy and coy like squeezes his cock and his bulge grows just a bit...
as he flexes everywhere...he pulls back his arms behind his head and exposes his armpits...and then nods...
the answer to my question: "yeah man...yeah i wanna fuck...."
i smack the cigarette pack against the butt end of my palm a few times and square my shoulders to his. then i point my index finger to the center of his chest and shaking my head like a madman, sniffing him like a dog and sensing i would like it and his cock. quick and precise i say:
"yeah - you wanna fuck?? well then you should follow me down the block...because i'am gonna do things to you that no one has ever done...you game?? just follow me..."
and down the street never looking back i walked...
"voices growing louder - irritation building - i'am close to fainting -- now i feel i'am cracking up..."
i key the door to the building. mr red sex-pants in the wings... standing right there but i don't acknowledge him but i do think to myself..."this time theres no wig and no dress."
"this visitor" is gonna get the tumble of his life when i get him upstairs...
full of lust and passion and GHB, the mad hatters brew, the weird night, the herbs, halloween, the donkey dicked freak-show: i needed release...
red sweat-pants which have always turned me on...always reminds me of sucking some guy off in a gym or in central park late at night...
as i fly up the flight of stairs my cock goes rock - ringing - hard...hes right behind me. falls into my animal space and breathes down my neck and pushes me against the door. hes taller than me by a head and it's quite easy for him to pin me there and brings his masculine, scruffy chin to mine.
he looks into my eyes. raises his arm above me and makes me sniff his arm pit...
he garabs my chin and then...
he plants a firm erotic kiss on my lips.
he pushes my shoulders down with both hands and tip toes to pry his mouth onto mine - i open my mouth wide to receive his tongue...as i suck on his tongue i begin to melt...I let my guard down and fall to my knees in one motion and smoothly glide the red sex pants to the floor...
his perfect bone flies open into the air and bobs up and down...
it'a big one...
i slide likewise down his torso and to the waist and then the thigh. I breath in his crotch -- it's fucking nice - the cock is nice firm and oozing a little fresh jizz from the head...genius!
heaven - light...a healing wand of light...a giant white snake which contains the cure...
i put my lips to it as if it contained nectar....bow my head just like a prayer...and then take his phallus all the way down...
as i'am sucking him i pin him to the door -- and then i knock over a stack of books and that does it...i stand up and scatter everything off the kitchen table...
he is on the same page and counter-attacks...pushing me down onto my back, trying to kiss me - spinning me around and then bending down to lick the crack of my ass...long and soft...
i don't have to wait long until he heaves and then with expertise slides his member into my ass and pumps slowly at first and then deeper....we heave together. forward and back in a perfect rhythm. i hold the sides of the kitchen table for support and then i can feel him shooting and spasming inside me...
i cum without touching my cock...
the back of my head exploding off...
there is so much ecstasy in this release that it begins to hurt...
i lay there silent...he puts two fingrs into my mouth: they are swathed with our juices...i suck on them for a moment...
"thanks..."
i gaze into his eyes. for a fleeting minute i sense he's an angel...that he's not human...i ponder and wonder...
then he is gone...never saying goodbye.
i crawl over to my bed -- thanking god the night is over...
i pass out butt in the air: face down.
i tasted lust and won... i tempted the gods into destroying me.
i had my visitors...i touched a penis that belongs in a museum...
danced with all of manhattan under the gong-ing witches tower. saw tinkerbelle and tasted the funk of a gladiator...
got fucked by the angel of lust...
had my hole opened and filled...and now drifting away to the stars...i cracked a smile...and a grin...and then it's all gone.
good night.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
posted by kirk @ Thursday, August 31, 2006 0 comments
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
chants of light
6-14-06
today i feel oddly "high."
however...there is nothing in my system stronger than some potent amazon berries and wheatgrass...
i watch the motion of my wrist - jacking my ever greased - hard and huge cock --
up and down - wave upon wave - still and always amazed at the pleasure derived from such a simple mechanical act and movement...
and yet - the spiritual benfits are yet to be accrued...spinning me into a daydream of a stronger man who enters my room - mounts me and makes me sniff his armpits -- all the while he rides my fat - pulsating, throbbing and then spurting dick -- into the bullseye...
of his heart and soul -
in another time my cum would not allow him to take in my power, strentgh and light but today - i give him my all...his aura lights up...
thankful: he kisses me gently riding every last drop of juice from my balls...
and then he is gone....
today the weather is perfect. to stay inside seems the hieght of arrogance and indulgence.
like smoking when you know your healthy...
sometimes i think i burn a little too brightly for this place....
the angels are touching me now as i close my eyes...
sweet sweet siren song that seduces me into the land of forgotten dreams...
no longer lost in a world that doesnt value me...the colors are bright again...
i lose contact with my body and then the world explodes into a million chants of light --
the consummers and the slaves to the weather are all gone...
the haiku of humanity - eat - consume and blow up is about to end --
as the final explosion occurs i realize: my existence is the only validation i require...
the sno-globe of my limited reality is cracking...but out of it hundreds of white doves ascend...
i truly am crying because everything is so beautiful...
stoned on something i cant even give a name to...
the best high is when you dont need anymore...
a divine liquor swishing through my blood...
i cook lunch in my undies. it's delicious...
posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006 0 comments
halloween
one year ago.
there was intent.
3am.
the beast comes out to play...
the cigarettes, the sex addiction, the anorexia, the debting...
the credit cards, the internet cruising, the loneliness, the despair...insomnia. misery loves company.
all the demons and fragments feed upon each other...
i formed a plan to get away...
this was my last chance --
i was going to wipe the beast from my mind body and spirit -- with a one - two - knock - out id take the beast out now weak and smug...
i would be clean from everything and the beast would not win...
everything you read, every movie you see is about a hero...
is about a person going for their dream...
this is our religion...finding your dream and making it happen...
on the outside the dream is fame - money - external things - cash and prizes but these were just a distraction...a distraction so nobody, not even my alcoholism, would know what the real game was -- what the real prize was...
the real prize was not to own things - collect things or put them under my jurisdiction.
the dream, the prize was to be free --
and thats always the prize...
to be from from the beast -- to be free of "it." to beat it....
have a clear head. a clean life....so it wouldn't have anything on me -- washed clean, ready for god to love me -- free from worry or doubt - that was my plan...
and slowly i began -- this entailed:
i ate when i didn't want to -- i stored my credit cards away, i cut my tabbacco consumption by 50%,
i no longer wanted to pump up my body - my ego - my cock or myself with things of this world...
i wanted to fix my soul...i wanted to go home - clean...
the way i came in...purified in the fire...of dignity of divinity.
i so desperately wanted to fix the hole in my heart that made me crave attention. made me want the things of this life constantly...the wanting - the wanting - and the never getting it right - there was no satisfaction. no humility for "god's" plan.
if i got something then my mind told me it was the wrong color - the wrong size, that i needed something else now - another person, apartment, another thing only to be discarded and this is what made me tired more than anything else...
i would rid myself of the voice that said all of those things, thrived on my doubts and fear of never being enough...
slowly and quietly i would remove all the toys that my dis-ease used against me...slowly but completely....
and this is what i set out to do...
but little did i know - the snake was recoiling only to strike - bite my ass and throw me around with a whiplash...
my body breaking down the toxins...the mental detoxes continued and my energy became like lightning...
all my energy went to my mental processes...to the needs of my soul...this evolved and aligned my energy but my body was breaking down in the process...could i with stand it ???
i like to think that i could -- but...many tests awaited...
tests of endurance and strength...tests of will - the will to continue and live in a world that gave me nothing to live for....
one side was being reborn and the other was dying and i was caught in the middle...
my soul grew warm.
my body cried in pain...
there was ecstasy and searing white hot pain...
there was my heart melting - there was a giant light around me turning to gold....
>>>>>>>
the pressure begins...
the owner of the building that i lived in for 18 years dies.
in the interim period of his dis-ease, descent and death the family ceases all business activity and fails to renew my expired lease...
repeated attempts to renew my lease fail. I begin to panic...
i occupy a rent stabilized apartment. by manhattan standards and current rental market prices my apartment would rent for around 1500.00 dollars...but i only pay 575.00 due to rent stabilization...
an apartment like mine, rent stabilized, two, three foot windows of southern exposure light, three rooms in the location of hells kitchen which is central to all of the city is a valuable commodity in the most expensive city in the world...
i try and try to contact the owners son to send me my new lease. he does not respond. there are rumors that the building is for sale. rumors that the new owners are going to harass the tenants to make them move at which point they could renovate the vacant apartments and charge a higher rents. the stakes are raised. this is very common in the city. as it stood i would have to prove that i had a lease. i was living in a vague idea of what my rights as a tenant were...my security was undermined. this is a central fear of all tenants in the city. the landlord wants you to move - to charge the next guy a higher rent.
in the intervening years of living under rent stabilization the rent in the city sky rockets 1000 per cent. but my income rises slowly. as it stood if i lost the space i was living in then i would not even be able to afford to move to an outer borough.
i'd have to leave manhattan...
deep within me a tension and fear began to swirl...and as you know when there is tension surely it wants release...an addict under the gun of fear...wants to run...
i would lose everything...could lose everything...
the thought of this generated such a fear within me that i broke out in a rash. hives covered my body but this was nothing compared to what came next...
without the safety zones you are exposed. without the chemicals of caffeine and nicotine things are magnified...
an addict under pressure will - "act out" that is to say - you will look for comfort even if it means picking up a chemical like alcohol or sex or going back into anorexia, to numb what you are experiencing...
the volume gets turned up higher...
something is wrong with my body...
i'am not sleeping at night.
and then at the place where i work as a bartender a bottle of "johnny black" is stolen from the bar...the owner begins a witch hunt to find the perpetrator...heads are gonna roll. someone is going to get canned...the screws tighten.
my home is a high pressure situation. my job was a high pressure situation. now it becomes a place of fear, back-stabbing and scheming...the other employees - the other bartenders know if iam the one that gets fired then four very lucrative bar shifts will be up for grabs...
one of the bartenders that i work with begins stealing money. she pockets the cash when she should ring up the sale. on occasion she pushes a twenty spot into my pocket also like hush money. the owners have spies that sit on the bar, trained to spot thieves...everything feels like it is about to come tumbling down...
iam headed for a breakdown i can tell...
no sleep. hives. i return to my anorexia and stop working out. i look gaunt and pale...i go to the emergency room for diarrhea...
my body refuses to hold any food...
iam under attack. my footholds of security are being taken away...
my two bases where i ground and support myself are shaking. i'am on shaky ground. iam under pressure. iam ready to crack...
my fortieth birthday approaches.
my goals and dreams are slipping away.
i have twenty years of photographs. i have twenty years of short stories. poems. artwork. all stored away that my time, effort and money helped create...the dream of earning a living from any of these ventures seems far away and eludes me.
the dreams of a young artist fresh and full of talent seem far away...
the material world values: power - financial power and youth and success...I'am losing my youth. i have failed to create financial power. i have failed to be recognized as a poet or writer or artist of note...
i have failed to find a partner in life...
Iam alone. it seeems to me that i have only grief, disappointments and a handful of scattered dull pain: shame begins to overtake me...
i'am far away.
i did my work. i was not lazy. people with less talent than myself got their chance. got a book deal. got paid.
got into the right gallery...
maybe my only chance now is that my poetry and art could be shown: post mortem...
if i knew that my lifes work could be deciphered or desimmentated or published or shown in my absence i would expire myself with the click of a gun...
right then and there...
i live because i want someone to know...to see what i have done...to give my "children" my artworks a chance to live in the world...but right now none of it - all the words and works would make sense to no one but myself...
it needed to be organized. edited. and then organized again.
the thought that my step mother sits on a family estate of over 25 million dollars begins to crush me...
she gives away money to evade the heavy taxes of the estate...
how easy it would be for her to write me a check. give me the money to upgrade my camera, computer and printer or have the free time to look for outlets to sell my photos. to garner representation. to make a switch into full time artist...
she does not call offering to help me...instead she sends me letters asking for money...letters asking that i donate to her favorite charities: one of which has my father's name on it.
the foundation gives money to fund underprivileged youths to go to college...
the focal point of her dissatisfaction with me ?
she won't give me money because i'am gay...
3am.
every night i awake. as if shaken by an unseen force.
i sit up and a flow of tingling buzzes through my legs and chest. wide awake. i pace back and forth in the tiny space. looking at the filing cabinets filled with artwork - poetry - photographs.
in the kitchen cockroaches crawl...then i turn on the lights. they are everywhere...i return to the edge of the bed.
I fall into despair...
cockroaches are in my bed. in a glass of water. crawling around the refrigerator. in my clothes...
i shake my head in disbelief...my life now has become a twilight zone of surreal regret and pain...
trapped.
i resolve to meditate my way through it. it cant last that long.
and then the clock strikes 7am and a jack-hammer goes off in the apartment next to mine...
the new owners are renovating the vacant apartment next to me.
sledgehammers shake the walls and a radio blares Spanish music and advertisements during the reprieves of the jack-hammering...
i'am being tested to my very core...
the pounding. the shaking. the opening of the walls. the cock roaches. the chain smoking. the insomnia. the anorexia. the sex addiction...all shows on my face...
i'am going downhill. fast. my mantra becomes:
"let go or be dragged..."
it's obvious that all hell is breaking loose in my conciousness...so typified by my outer reality...the bugs of my psyche are running in every direction...the walls of my foundation are being ripped open...
but there was more...
i begin to contemplate suicide.
every night around 3am. i awake from a dream. a dream of ghosts. ghosts having a grand time.
how i wish to join them...their world is a party. they have no cares.
my world is falling apart.
how i wish to escape to the other side and languish in their playful eternity...
every night i awake around 3am and one of the ghosts sits quietly on the side of my bed...kiel.
kiel has followed me from the haunted house of my dreams and makes his presence known...what he wants i can not say. he does not speak. he sits there. his presence is strong and does not fade.
>>>>>>>>>>>>
i get a phone call. it is my birth-mother. who by the way has been missing for more than 25 years...
she suddenly re-appears out of the blue.
"it's mommy."
i feel a heat in my head. a pain in my heart. and i itch everywhere.
"where have you been?" i inquire.
"nevermind..."
nevermind...that was the corker...
"now that your daddy's gone - i want to return to the family..."
thanks for sharing that.
my heart opens with rage and closes with resentment.
pause.
"no. a never mind is not gonna be good enough..." iam astounded and in awe at her audacity to return, now, as if no time elapsed.
to speak as if there were no consequences...but she does...
pause.
i wish to hear a tale of regret: of missing me. an apology. a confession. an explanation...a story of a catharsis or healing or redemption...finally i say...as an accusation...
"what do you want??"
"i have bad heart valves...or rather i did. i had open heart surgery. my doctor said that its hereditary...you should go to a doctor to get it checked out..."
"is that it?" i remark with no emotion what so ever...
i light a cigarette. my breathing is shallow.
"well - i thought id tell you that..."
the tip of the ice berg...here we go...
the cracking of the glacier of questions forming...
the match to the dynamite.
to the gasoline...the explosion...
the pause before it all blows up...
pause...
i await. in seconds i imagine what she could possibly say next:
i bow my head. my hand to my forehead...and consider:
she could say: "well - i'am a millionaire! or
i was kidnapped and held in an under ground government facility as a lab experiment...
i was abducted by aliens...
iam a big porn star....!!
i want to help you...
"jesus is coming!"
i want to repay all the years ive been gone.
i was in a cult that tortured me...
i worked for the CIA....
i wanted to explain why you've got the aura of a "witch..."
your the son of a king...
no.
she continues...
"i figured that after i left, you and your father would not get along...you looked so much like me, i mean...did you get disinherited??"
pause.
i inhale deeply.
"yes."
"well i think you should know...he wasn't your father..."
boom!
>>>>>>>>>>
"i'am gay..."
pause.
"i said I'am gay...and i'am a witch..."
pause.
"i'am an artist. i write poetry. i'am a bartender....i'am gay..."
"so are you talking to jesus?" she asks...
<> i think to myself...
are you talking to jesus...?
"yeah as a matter of fact - i just saw jesus on the a-train going downtown last night - he says "hi."
i light another cigarette.
pause.
"your < real? > father is a heart surgeon... he lives in DC. your actually jewish by the way...."
long pause...
click.
i hang up...
>>>>>>>>>
a poor man will give birth to a millionaire...
the christian man will give birth to a rebel...
the rich man will bring forth the artist
the hyper-masculine man will give birth to the faggot...
and now i know what iam ---
the love child of a doctor and a witch...
i'am a doctor and a witch.
I'am a doctor and a witch...
I'am a healer.
the road to becoming a sage is strewn with obstacles, burning hellfire, angels and pain...and letting go...the stormy road to god - paved with blood and wanting...sweat. cum and lust...denial and acceptance...
let go or be dragged...
let go and be dragged...
whomp- there it is!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
medicate the pain...
the desire to drink comes back to me after 20 years grace...
a bloody mary would be sooo good right now --
some valium would be nice...a few joints, a few razor blades. a bottle of jack daniels. a few guys on viagra...a hotel room at the chelsea hotel...
my sober plan?
get laid and chain smoke.
the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
halloween in manhattan.
the crucible has begun.
the gauntlet coming...
"what doesn't kill me will make me stronger..."
"what doesn't kill me will preserve my body only to stretch out the misery..."
I'am being carved up - the demons - vampires and vultures - circling around my body...
tearing the dis-eased meat from the bones...
but first the beast will make sure it has its way with me...once and for all so i never forget...
i command the forces of the universe to my corner...
lets go fucker...
stop tapping me -
stop trying to hit me
and hit me !
the lightning. the wind and the water all belong to me...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
news flash - hurricane katrina begins to rip apart new orleans...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
if the beast is godzilla - then iam mega-godzilla...
i open my mouth and fire scorches the land...i throw my hand to the right...a skyscraper tumbles...
citizens are scrambling....the villagers run and scream!!!
i wait for the counter punch...
whoosh --
the beast flies away...for now.
no doubt he will return with mothra...and titanasaurus...
there will be nothing left...
until then i would surely walk the tightrope between destruction and chaos...and creativity...
sex and death....
death and re-birth....
until then iam only happy when it rains...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i gather my forces. regroup. the shock-waves to my psyche are now the battle call.
the battle cry.
one mother. one father. three sets of parents...
my birth mother:
italian. dark hair. dark eyes. full of astrology. full of jesus. full of judgments and confessions...
mysteries of the past. reappearing to rock my foundations...
my birth father:
medic. doctor. heart surgeon. absent. italian and jewish. lost. gone. somewhere. his eyes...
the eyes of a witch? an alien? a shaman?
most definitely the eyes of something "otherworldly..."
i was conceived in the isles of a pharmacy...among all the pills that would make the world feel better...
all the while my father looking at her with those eyes...
a question answered...where did you get those eyes??
>>>>>you have the eyes of an old soul...a priest,
a god, a healer, an alien, a movie star...
a teen idol....
an ascendant master??
the only thing i could ever count on in this life...someone would always comment on my eyes...my only guarantee:
if i needed to i could burn a hole right through someone's head with my gaze or hypnotize them at will...it was true power.
the colors change and go from liquid blue to ice green to a light light yellow...to that of a pharaoh. a prince. royalty. to the unwanted. the unloved. the criminal. the con artist. the magician. the child...the angel. the chosen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
my step mother:
british. quiet. cool. grounded in the harsh realties. never sugar coating anything...life is about hard work and you have no right to complain...might makes right. everything has an order. on the money. precise. creative. complex.
my step father: abrasive. funny as hell. sparkling blue eyes. brilliant. a business genius...powerful. quiet. harsh. german.
obsessed with money. a millionaire several times over. unforgiving...suspicious.
my adopted parents...
the next door neighbors...mr and mrs. kramer.
mr. kramer: kind. patient. passive. in the garage. woodworking.
loving. let go and let god...accepting. caring. frail...
mrs. kramer: loved me like her own. we looked like son and mother. she is my first spiritual teacher. mixing telepathy, christianity and love...she has angels in her house. she loves me and she loves god...she probably knew i was gay. she believed in re-incarnation. she told me once that a still born child she had years ago - she always felt that it was me and that i belonged to her either way...confessed that she "took too many pills" one afternoon. she was afraid that she might have fallen in love with a friend - her girlfriend in college...
around her i felt at home...
she told wonderful stories. a writer and dreamer.
i wanted to be around her day and night. we prayed together.
her two abercrombie-esque twins ken and phil blonde and blue eyed likewise adopted my parents...we basically traded parents...
i was a child of the universe. i belonged to no one...
destined to wander and learn. to become all of them...
they all fought over me. the all taught me. they all protected me. they all loved me but none of them could own me...
i congealed into the spirit of a gypsy.
full of vengeance and compassion. knowledgeable of the lower and upper worlds...more than human but not quite a full fledged god...my intelligence was exponential...my body morphed. my spirit was cleansed and damned...
i was blessed and cursed and lucky to know them all...
each one powerful in their own way...
i took everything they gave me.
i could call forth each of them at will to help me. i draw on them all...they all live inside of me...in my heart.
my lifes work: to collect all the fragments and bind them with love...
a new breed...
sometimes your destiny chooses you...
and all of this on my head each day...and yet:
after the game the king and pawn go into the same box...
may god's will be done:
see me...
feel me...
touch me...
heal me...
my destiny was to heal the world or destroy it...
this i knew and the meantime i would try not to tease the humans who got in my way...
but i must confess i always kissed the boys and made them cry....
the beast would return to me and soon enough...
if you could win your battle with all your powers intact then you have done good and will fight another day...
if you can win your battle with all your weaknesses showing and your strength gone then surely no one or nothing will ever challenge you again....
i dared that i would be that free...
my mind grew strong...my body became weak...
this is what was god wanted because this is what happened...
the levies of my psyche rose...
the beast would be fooled by my appearance...worn old and dying as i was...
but all the while my spirit and mind prepared and grew strong...
i was ready.
halloween
3am
i awake and begin popping herbal pills...
<>
rishi mushroom. fo-ti. sarsparilla, maca, cayenne, gotu-kola, ginko biloba, garlic, arginnine, amino acids, vit-c - e - a and the b's...yerba mate' and red clover...to clear away evil...
<>
none of this potent brew would go to strengthen my actual body. as i prayed over it i instructed the energies of these herbs and this tonic to go straight to my mind and spirit...
while my genitals shrank my nimbus glowed...true stares came to me on the street but only from the knowing:
and then there were gazes of love and compassion. this spun my head around and around. i was so invested in looking good and now that i didn't - in fact i looked quite the opposite people were kind and generous...the love began to melt me...
at first it hurt and stung...
i was a walking paradox...of frailty and power...i was burning alive and ashen gray...
my physical body once coveted and praised for the beauty it contained now oozing the pus and pain and dis-ease...i always held inside. now i could see it. i was manifesting all the deformities of my scars and pain.
i had the sunken face of a demon. the eyes of the alienated. glowing with rage. the skin of the weary. my muscles were wasting away...i was simply a bag of bones flying down the street...there was absolutely no water in my blood or veins...
and then a constant thirst. always a blinding thirst.
brittle - exposed and raw and numb all at once...
i could hear the demons howl with delight...hehehehehe--
"he has fallen!!...the golden child will soon expire..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>if i had only my vague dreams and precise words to seduce you into believing all that which is true then i would not believe it myself...
but things had happened. things to point to and say: did you see that?
in my early twenties i bought my first video camera. hot to see what i looked like jerking off a load i positioned the camera at a tilted angle toward the bed. i put on a private show for myself. bending over like an amateur porn star: waving my cock around - trying to suck my own dick...falling to my knees pretending to get fucked by a gang of hot studs...it was quite a performance indeed. and then coming up to orgasm. standing on the bed. the drapes open and the window exposed...i cum. and lo and behold: lightning struck outside at the exact moment i came...caught on tape. it was unmistakable...
anger or wild lustful sex, a strong precise clarity about what i was feeling brought about instant changes in the weather...
rain. thunder. lightning. i'am lightning...
soon i would look for the weather to change. if i felt despair - a sudden downpour of rain...if i was angry; wind. when i was at peace: fog rolled in...
this was amazing.
the "masters" were showing me things...
the forces seemed to court me...and soon i arose to their challenge. i began to intentionally manipulate the weather...was directly connected to it...
unseen forces around me...of light and dark...
whispering. teaching. trying to help me. heal me. seduce me. perhaps even impregnate me. destroy me. create me.
renegade angels just below the fount of heaven deciding i belonged to them...i would become their masterpiece: the masterpiece of angels...
in the meantime: the demons on the otherhand realized my rage and lust...my ability to devour men. to hear the winds and command the thunder...to destroy as quickly as i created...
to seduce you into sensuality and reticence...
and still i gave my allegiance to no one...
i only asked that i be approached with respect...
they would all show me what was possible and then i would choose...but until then i was content in the school of the cosmos being led...usurping power and knowledge...
from all of them...
it seemed the weather favored me: and this told me that perhaps i was more "shaman" than anything else...
but still holding out to find my true spiritual brethren...
>>>>>>>>>>>
perhaps someday i will tell you about my experiences shortly before hurricane andrew wiped florida nearly off the coast in 1992.
after a brief visit with gurumayi i awake to a searing back spasm...the entire right side of my body as if it had disappeared...internal movements causing my stomach to distend like that of a budda...
i lay in bed. was it a breakdown or breakthrough??
i lay in bed several months watching andrew devastate the land and people: feeling the swirling patterns of winds in my mind and spirit...
but for now that will have to wait...
lets continue our descent into hell...and keep your eyes on the prize...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
it's 3am - all hallos eve.
insomnia...
i cant get no sleep...
Iam totally jack-up on herbal speed...
on past halloweens i have dressed as "nature,"
an art dealer/vampire, a dead soldier, a zombie bride, the joker,
an angel of peace...
i sit on the edge of my bed. the bed of dreams and no sleep...
the bed of love and lust and wanting...the bed of ghosts.
should i stay or should i go now??
go downtown.
to the unending carnival of drunken spirits. hob-goblins, fraternity boys wanting their first homosexual experience...drag queens, fairies, moms, teachers, newscasters,
she-dominatrixes, the lonely, the discarnate, the stars, the lurkers...all prancing the streets of the west village wanting to see...in the grandest parade of costumes: the epi-center of the spiritual universe explodes...into the streets, all the spirits be they kind - worthy or loving will be in attendance...
i sit on the edge of my bed and close my eyes...i fall into a dream. the dream is simple: a desert landscape of white rocks and mountains. a grand dirt highway carved through the hills and piles of granite. jagged mountain rise above a day-lit sky: cloudless and foreboding. and then a giant white stallion. angry, running, majestic, powerful appears...followed by thousands of faceless men and women and children...they are throwing rocks at the awesome stag. some screaming in awe, their faces all gazing toward - running toward the powerful animal who is trying to escape...there is a frenzy of energy swirling...
a group of people head off the running, precise white god, he stops, slides and rises up on his hind legs kicking...and then cries. a perfect clear whinny from his throat pierces the heavens -- then there is silence and all movement stops as his front hooves hit the rubble...he snorts and takes one hoof and scratches it against the rocks and raises his head...
as if to charge...everyone waits.
and then an enormous spear from nowhere enters the stallion's side. he cries again. tries to run and then falls into a deep crevice below...as he is falling...
I awake with a cry -- "NO!"
this is so fucking, "not good" - i think to myself...
a canyon of despair rises up within me...
i've got to get out of here...
the stench of a dark omen circling around...
i tie a bandanna over my head. adorn my eyes with eye liner. fashion necklaces of gold around my neck. slide my torso into a white poets shirt unbuttoned...black pants and black boots...
i will be a pirate. a gay pirate. a pirate with a huge cock. a jolly roger' >>a beautiful rogue...
i step out into the night...the pavement damp. the sky crisp, the dream of the fine white stallion fading into the skyline of mist and screams...
happy halloween!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the west village
i walk slowly trying to decide what kind of pirate to be:
swarthy and masculine. kinda fey and sly, dirty and crusty,
walk the plank...or shiver me timbers...
my body adjusts into a kinda handsome, shinning thief...with quiet steady eyes...the center of my torso teeming with power... my white, open shirt billows in the night...
i wander and disappear into the subway cars, into the blue endless streets of moonlight, the abandoned side streets.
the coolness of the pavement present upon my heels... as the noise of the city and its night light of black and orange glows ever brite downtown...
pulling me in and toward the parade of the unnatural...the un-dead, the unwanted...
as i roam i hear the music of "faithless'"
"insomnia"
the intro is perfect...
here the following lyrics...
I only smoke weed when I need to,
And I need to get some rest,
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress,
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty,
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet,
Make my way to the refrigerator,
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam,
When the light above my head went bam!
I can't sleep, something's all over me,
Greasy, insomnia please release me,
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath,
Tearing off tights with my teeth.
But there's no relief,
I'm wide awake in my kitchen,
It's dark and I'm lonely,
Oh, if I could only get some sleep,
Creaky noises make my skin creep,
I need to get some sleep,
I can't get no sleep...
i'am filled with the night. i'am the night and its cool abiding darkness and promise. something will happen tonight.
this is a guarantee...something wild and unforgettable...will transpire to knock my ass further down the rabbit hole: down - down and down...
will it be weird sex? - true love? - rape or violence?
meeting the devil of my fears or the man of my dreams ?
i can not say...
all are possible tonight...
i wait quietly on a side street in the west village...
dazed.
leaning against the hood of a parked car...
soon rising to meet a climax not even i could have guessed at...
straggling Halloween revelers float by...gender fuck leather boys in make-up smoking, another pee-wee herman rides by, dancing purple dinosaurs, tinky winkies, an entire enchanted forest which i was impressed with...parades down the block and then disappears...and then perfect quiet.
i light a fag and then "she" appears...
she is waving her hand toward me, as if she recognized me and realizes we have a date..."there you are..."
i see a hobbling...ah, i see a crown, a blonde wig of curls, a turquoise dress with a white rabbit fur wrap...she's a ???
miss america?
an abused princess?
a rodeo drag-queen-clown??
i dunno.
she's 5 foot four tall.
"give me a cigarette honey..." she waves her tiny hand in my face...
i look quizzical and examine him puzzled...ah your a --?
"i'am the prom queen honey...."
i guffaw loud and sharp...
"oh - yes you are...ok. oh i get it...well your corwn is crooked and i see you've broken a heel...sweetheart - did the prom king or was it the football team who ruffed you up tonight??"
"neither..." she leans in while i spark my lighter to the cigarette now coated in orange lipstick...the flare of my bic highlights her mouth and eyes...our eyes meet...
I pause.
my mind scans the aura. the actual body. the eyes. the body posture to reveal...nothing. there are no clues to what he is - under there --- so for now he will have to remain the psychotic prom queen...shes up for anything...it's obvious --
hehehehee...the mind-fuck artist swells up inside me...
i keep her at a distance... yeah whatever...how was your night...?
"well..ah you can see..." she squints and inhales...and gives me the once over...her eyes seem to sparkle but only like that of
rhinestones....she adjusts her wig.
i laugh.
it's an evil mumbling, "i'am cooking up something real special for you" laugh...
she smiles this really fucked up - dried mouth - mommy orange lipstick smile and bats her eyes to the sky and giggles...
i laugh a loud pee-wee herman cackle and forward my torso and throw back my head...and then inhale whats left of my cigarette...and then flick it away...
"well...shall we?"
her eyes widen...i'll just let her think shes snagged her prey...
for now...
"oh - i'am quite parched. ah - do you care for a drink?? my treat..." she offers and then wraps her shoulders tight into her fur wrap and swishes her hips back and forth toward the bar door limping but chest forward...
"ok. lets go." i follow checking out his ass...ah maybe theres a possibility here...maybe hes a buffed east village stud under there...maybe hell fuck me with that dress on...let me wear the crown...suck my cock in the bathroom and coat my balls with lipstick...lick my ass while some weird-ass clown-vampire watches...who-yaaaa!
the disco music form the bar pulls us in...
the door opens. the smoke and sweat and heat from all the humans wafts into the sky...yes! we want to go inside there and see all the perverted fucked up things people are doing tonight...
"i follow you into helllll!" i scream and we disappear into the universe that is called: "the pieces bar..."
we work our way through the crowd. the place is wall to wall packed - i announce our arrival by waving one arm high into the air and dancing into the place...fuck yes. i'am having fun - everyone is acting out -- and away we go....!
down - down - down - into the pit of insanity...
we are pushed toward the bar from behind...it seems theres a riot at the door: two star wars storm troopers - a chewbacca and a princess leia are arguing with the door man...
an amazon freakish female warrior/wonder woman - catches the spotlight and waves a drink tray held by red-elbow length gloves above our heads and points the way as if to expose a tiny semi-circle stage...pushing through the standing room only audience wonder woman hits the stage and says:
"you may not be ready for this one - but here she is anyway!!"
just then - this blubbering whale of - a man ? a she-male?
a woman ? ah -- no identifiable race - could be mexican - phillipino - asian fusion, half black...kinda pin-head - freak-show of a human being stumbles and tumbles onto the stage...
her dress, caftan flies up...she is sweating...with fatty cheeks aglow...she raises her arm high -
"here I'am !!!"
the crowd screams...
the wonder woman emcee - pushes her out of the way...
and into the background and grabs the mic --
"not yet honey...tonight...the mother of all gong shows..."
the red glove points to a tiny red gong that appears from the ceiling and dips and stops: swinging like a noose next to the disco ball...
"TONIGHT -- contestant number one -- "the chinchilla from manilla" trying to win the grand prize of 55 american dollars to get her ah... "operation" for ah...? FOR WHAT honey?...."
the humanoid...eager to begin tries to respond and tries to grab the mic to speak...but the red glove pushes her out of the way...wonder woman pauses...and tilts her head - insult upon glorious insult...spills from her ruby lips...then she teases contestant number one by holding the mic close enough to speak but then pulls it away...
"nevermind dear...nobody cares anyway..."
"maestro - music please..." wonder woman perches the mic onto its stand and leaves...
"toot - toot - hey....... beep - beep! bad gurlzz!"
the caftan swirls. the beast dances and glides...the crowd goes absolutely fucking wild ---
everyone dances...and sways together...
"talking about baaad girls yeah!! - do you wanna get dooown??"
she spins and holds them...waves her arms. her chance in a lifetime...she is living it honey....
I'am sparkling with glee - i feel coated with fairie dust...
a drink appears from the prom queen who i had forgotten and i take it...nodding thanks...
and then turn my eyes back onto the circus dance. which resembles an elephant on two legs covered in fake Hawaiian plastic flowers...
the stage nearly caving in from her weight, the flabby under arms bouncing...the psychotic karaoke...the horsey mouth - the bloodless lips moving about - the ass sashaying...
the crowd begins to chant in unison...
"GONG - GONG - GONG.......!"
i feel a compassion and pity and identification with this poor creature that pulses my heart almost to tears...singing her heart out as she was...
all the dreams of love and acceptance in her eyes...and surely the crowd would never let her have it...
how vicious and delicious and cruel and ah -- new york...
i swear to god i almost peed my pants laughing and swearing to god to never forget this night...or this sight...
"GONG - GONG - GONG!"
now the crowd is getting mean.
"get off the stage fattie!"
"fuck off!"
peals of laughter...
people begin mooing like cows....
"COW/LADY ! COWLADY...!!! GO AWAY !!"
OMG!
I've never seen anything like this...
wonder woman appears -
the red gloves beats the gong - again and again and again and then with an incredible speed throws back two shots of, i guess it was bourbon...and then tries to push fattie right off the stage....
wonder woman pushes --- but cowlady pushes back...
wonder woman then goes right for the jugular...and pulls fatties top off....it's almost a riot of screams...
"lets see whatcha got there -- but cha are BLANCHE...ya arrre a cow---!"
the red glove swinging around the now untied halter top...
cow lady - sweaty and tired and exposed tries to regain her composure...and grab her top back...the red glove tosses it to the crowd..."there ay go..." and then cow lady shows herself to be - i think a pre-op transsexual with kinda fatty like swinging man-titties...the poor creature...floundering around...
"auk - your done! >>>>>ay didn't know we were going to have a DONKEY show tonight did ya ??"
with a strong push from behind...wonder woman ejects cow/fatty from the stage...she flies and hee-haws through the air...
"there she goes folks...side of beef anyone ?? NEEEEXT..."
GONG....
the room is spinning..i think i've been drugged. someone has slipped me a mickey...i'am going to pass out...
i taste my drink again - sure enough - it has the faint taste of Spanish fly ? valium? drano? GHB?
ah, i dunno but its taking effect...
a fight has broken out. its time to leave...before the bar is ripped into...well: pieces....smirk.
TA-TA...
i slip through the crowd easily toward the door...the sound of screams and glass breaking echo as i hit the street...
i look up...the moon is full....
to be continued...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
halloween
one year ago.
there was intent.
3am.
the beast comes out to play...
the cigarettes, the sex addiction, the anorexia, the debting...
the credit cards, the internet cruising, the loneliness, the despair...insomnia. misery loves company.
all the demons and fragments feed upon each other...
i formed a plan to get away...
this was my last chance --
i was going to wipe the beast from my mind body and spirit -- with a one - two - knock - out id take the beast out now weak and smug...
i would be clean from everything and the beast would not win...
everything you read, every movie you see is about a hero...
is about a person going for their dream...
this is our religion...finding your dream and making it happen...
on the outside the dream is fame - money - external things - cash and prizes but these were just a distraction...a distraction so nobody, not even my alcoholism, would know what the real game was -- what the real prize was...
the real prize was not to own things - collect things or put them under my jurisdiction.
the dream, the prize was to be free --
and thats always the prize...
to be from from the beast -- to be free of "it." to beat it....
have a clear head. a clean life....so it wouldn't have anything on me -- washed clean, ready for god to love me -- free from worry or doubt - that was my plan...
and slowly i began -- this entailed:
i ate when i didn't want to -- i stored my credit cards away, i cut my tabbacco consumption by 50%,
i no longer wanted to pump up my body - my ego - my cock or myself with things of this world...
i wanted to fix my soul...i wanted to go home - clean...
the way i came in...purified in the fire...of dignity of divinity.
i so desperately wanted to fix the hole in my heart that made me crave attention. made me want the things of this life constantly...the wanting - the wanting - and the never getting it right - there was no satisfaction. no humility for "god's" plan.
if i got something then my mind told me it was the wrong color - the wrong size, that i needed something else now - another person, apartment, another thing only to be discarded and this is what made me tired more than anything else...
i would rid myself of the voice that said all of those things, thrived on my doubts and fear of never being enough...
slowly and quietly i would remove all the toys that my dis-ease used against me...slowly but completely....
and this is what i set out to do...
but little did i know - the snake was recoiling only to strike - bite my ass and throw me around with a whiplash...
my body breaking down the toxins...the mental detoxes continued and my energy became like lightning...
all my energy went to my mental processes...to the needs of my soul...this evolved and aligned my energy but my body was breaking down in the process...could i with stand it ???
i like to think that i could -- but...many tests awaited...
tests of endurance and strength...tests of will - the will to continue and live in a world that gave me nothing to live for....
one side was being reborn and the other was dying and i was caught in the middle...
my soul grew warm.
my body cried in pain...
there was ecstasy and searing white hot pain...
there was my heart melting - there was a giant light around me turning to gold....
>>>>>>>
the pressure begins...
the owner of the building that i lived in for 18 years dies.
in the interim period of his dis-ease, descent and death the family ceases all business activity and fails to renew my expired lease...
repeated attempts to renew my lease fail. I begin to panic...
i occupy a rent stabilized apartment. by manhattan standards and current rental market prices my apartment would rent for around 1500.00 dollars...but i only pay 575.00 due to rent stabilization...
an apartment like mine, rent stabilized, two, three foot windows of southern exposure light, three rooms in the location of hells kitchen which is central to all of the city is a valuable commodity in the most expensive city in the world...
i try and try to contact the owners son to send me my new lease. he does not respond. there are rumors that the building is for sale. rumors that the new owners are going to harass the tenants to make them move at which point they could renovate the vacant apartments and charge a higher rents. the stakes are raised. this is very common in the city. as it stood i would have to prove that i had a lease. i was living in a vague idea of what my rights as a tenant were...my security was undermined. this is a central fear of all tenants in the city. the landlord wants you to move - to charge the next guy a higher rent.
in the intervening years of living under rent stabilization the rent in the city sky rockets 1000 per cent. but my income rises slowly. as it stood if i lost the space i was living in then i would not even be able to afford to move to an outer borough.
i'd have to leave manhattan...
deep within me a tension and fear began to swirl...and as you know when there is tension surely it wants release...an addict under the gun of fear...wants to run...
i would lose everything...could lose everything...
the thought of this generated such a fear within me that i broke out in a rash. hives covered my body but this was nothing compared to what came next...
without the safety zones you are exposed. without the chemicals of caffeine and nicotine things are magnified...
an addict under pressure will - "act out" that is to say - you will look for comfort even if it means picking up a chemical like alcohol or sex or going back into anorexia, to numb what you are experiencing...
the volume gets turned up higher...
something is wrong with my body...
i'am not sleeping at night.
and then at the place where i work as a bartender a bottle of "johnny black" is stolen from the bar...the owner begins a witch hunt to find the perpetrator...heads are gonna roll. someone is going to get canned...the screws tighten.
my home is a high pressure situation. my job was a high pressure situation. now it becomes a place of fear, back-stabbing and scheming...the other employees - the other bartenders know if iam the one that gets fired then four very lucrative bar shifts will be up for grabs...
one of the bartenders that i work with begins stealing money. she pockets the cash when she should ring up the sale. on occasion she pushes a twenty spot into my pocket also like hush money. the owners have spies that sit on the bar, trained to spot thieves...everything feels like it is about to come tumbling down...
iam headed for a breakdown i can tell...
no sleep. hives. i return to my anorexia and stop working out. i look gaunt and pale...i go to the emergency room for diarrhea...
my body refuses to hold any food...
iam under attack. my footholds of security are being taken away...
my two bases where i ground and support myself are shaking. i'am on shaky ground. iam under pressure. iam ready to crack...
my fortieth birthday approaches.
my goals and dreams are slipping away.
i have twenty years of photographs. i have twenty years of short stories. poems. artwork. all stored away that my time, effort and money helped create...the dream of earning a living from any of these ventures seems far away and eludes me.
the dreams of a young artist fresh and full of talent seem far away...
the material world values: power - financial power and youth and success...I'am losing my youth. i have failed to create financial power. i have failed to be recognized as a poet or writer or artist of note...
i have failed to find a partner in life...
Iam alone. it seeems to me that i have only grief, disappointments and a handful of scattered dull pain: shame begins to overtake me...
i'am far away.
i did my work. i was not lazy. people with less talent than myself got their chance. got a book deal. got paid.
got into the right gallery...
maybe my only chance now is that my poetry and art could be shown: post mortem...
if i knew that my lifes work could be deciphered or desimmentated or published or shown in my absence i would expire myself with the click of a gun...
right then and there...
i live because i want someone to know...to see what i have done...to give my "children" my artworks a chance to live in the world...but right now none of it - all the words and works would make sense to no one but myself...
it needed to be organized. edited. and then organized again.
the thought that my step mother sits on a family estate of over 25 million dollars begins to crush me...
she gives away money to evade the heavy taxes of the estate...
how easy it would be for her to write me a check. give me the money to upgrade my camera, computer and printer or have the free time to look for outlets to sell my photos. to garner representation. to make a switch into full time artist...
she does not call offering to help me...instead she sends me letters asking for money...letters asking that i donate to her favorite charities: one of which has my father's name on it.
the foundation gives money to fund underprivileged youths to go to college...
the focal point of her dissatisfaction with me ?
she won't give me money because i'am gay...
3am.
every night i awake. as if shaken by an unseen force.
i sit up and a flow of tingling buzzes through my legs and chest. wide awake. i pace back and forth in the tiny space. looking at the filing cabinets filled with artwork - poetry - photographs.
in the kitchen cockroaches crawl...then i turn on the lights. they are everywhere...i return to the edge of the bed.
I fall into despair...
cockroaches are in my bed. in a glass of water. crawling around the refrigerator. in my clothes...
i shake my head in disbelief...my life now has become a twilight zone of surreal regret and pain...
trapped.
i resolve to meditate my way through it. it cant last that long.
and then the clock strikes 7am and a jack-hammer goes off in the apartment next to mine...
the new owners are renovating the vacant apartment next to me.
sledgehammers shake the walls and a radio blares Spanish music and advertisements during the reprieves of the jack-hammering...
i'am being tested to my very core...
the pounding. the shaking. the opening of the walls. the cock roaches. the chain smoking. the insomnia. the anorexia. the sex addiction...all shows on my face...
i'am going downhill. fast. my mantra becomes:
"let go or be dragged..."
it's obvious that all hell is breaking loose in my conciousness...so typified by my outer reality...the bugs of my psyche are running in every direction...the walls of my foundation are being ripped open...
but there was more...
i begin to contemplate suicide.
every night around 3am. i awake from a dream. a dream of ghosts. ghosts having a grand time.
how i wish to join them...their world is a party. they have no cares.
my world is falling apart.
how i wish to escape to the other side and languish in their playful eternity...
every night i awake around 3am and one of the ghosts sits quietly on the side of my bed...kiel.
kiel has followed me from the haunted house of my dreams and makes his presence known...what he wants i can not say. he does not speak. he sits there. his presence is strong and does not fade.
>>>>>>>>>>>>
i get a phone call. it is my birth-mother. who by the way has been missing for more than 25 years...
she suddenly re-appears out of the blue.
"it's mommy."
i feel a heat in my head. a pain in my heart. and i itch everywhere.
"where have you been?" i inquire.
"nevermind..."
nevermind...that was the corker...
"now that your daddy's gone - i want to return to the family..."
thanks for sharing that.
my heart opens with rage and closes with resentment.
pause.
"no. a never mind is not gonna be good enough..." iam astounded and in awe at her audacity to return, now, as if no time elapsed.
to speak as if there were no consequences...but she does...
pause.
i wish to hear a tale of regret: of missing me. an apology. a confession. an explanation...a story of a catharsis or healing or redemption...finally i say...as an accusation...
"what do you want??"
"i have bad heart valves...or rather i did. i had open heart surgery. my doctor said that its hereditary...you should go to a doctor to get it checked out..."
"is that it?" i remark with no emotion what so ever...
i light a cigarette. my breathing is shallow.
"well - i thought id tell you that..."
the tip of the ice berg...here we go...
the cracking of the glacier of questions forming...
the match to the dynamite.
to the gasoline...the explosion...
the pause before it all blows up...
pause...
i await. in seconds i imagine what she could possibly say next:
i bow my head. my hand to my forehead...and consider:
she could say: "well - i'am a millionaire! or
i was kidnapped and held in an under ground government facility as a lab experiment...
i was abducted by aliens...
iam a big porn star....!!
i want to help you...
"jesus is coming!"
i want to repay all the years ive been gone.
i was in a cult that tortured me...
i worked for the CIA....
i wanted to explain why you've got the aura of a "witch..."
your the son of a king...
no.
she continues...
"i figured that after i left, you and your father would not get along...you looked so much like me, i mean...did you get disinherited??"
pause.
i inhale deeply.
"yes."
"well i think you should know...he wasn't your father..."
boom!
>>>>>>>>>>
"i'am gay..."
pause.
"i said I'am gay...and i'am a witch..."
pause.
"i'am an artist. i write poetry. i'am a bartender....i'am gay..."
"so are you talking to jesus?" she asks...
<> i think to myself...
are you talking to jesus...?
"yeah as a matter of fact - i just saw jesus on the a-train going downtown last night - he says "hi."
i light another cigarette.
pause.
"your < real? > father is a heart surgeon... he lives in DC. your actually jewish by the way...."
long pause...
click.
i hang up...
>>>>>>>>>
a poor man will give birth to a millionaire...
the christian man will give birth to a rebel...
the rich man will bring forth the artist
the hyper-masculine man will give birth to the faggot...
and now i know what iam ---
the love child of a doctor and a witch...
i'am a doctor and a witch.
I'am a doctor and a witch...
I'am a healer.
the road to becoming a sage is strewn with obstacles, burning hellfire, angels and pain...and letting go...the stormy road to god - paved with blood and wanting...sweat. cum and lust...denial and acceptance...
let go or be dragged...
let go and be dragged...
whomp- there it is!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
medicate the pain...
the desire to drink comes back to me after 20 years grace...
a bloody mary would be sooo good right now --
some valium would be nice...a few joints, a few razor blades. a bottle of jack daniels. a few guys on viagra...a hotel room at the chelsea hotel...
my sober plan?
get laid and chain smoke.
the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
halloween in manhattan.
the crucible has begun.
the gauntlet coming...
"what doesn't kill me will make me stronger..."
"what doesn't kill me will preserve my body only to stretch out the misery..."
I'am being carved up - the demons - vampires and vultures - circling around my body...
tearing the dis-eased meat from the bones...
but first the beast will make sure it has its way with me...once and for all so i never forget...
i command the forces of the universe to my corner...
lets go fucker...
stop tapping me -
stop trying to hit me
and hit me !
the lightning. the wind and the water all belong to me...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
news flash - hurricane katrina begins to rip apart new orleans...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
if the beast is godzilla - then iam mega-godzilla...
i open my mouth and fire scorches the land...i throw my hand to the right...a skyscraper tumbles...
citizens are scrambling....the villagers run and scream!!!
i wait for the counter punch...
whoosh --
the beast flies away...for now.
no doubt he will return with mothra...and titanasaurus...
there will be nothing left...
until then i would surely walk the tightrope between destruction and chaos...and creativity...
sex and death....
death and re-birth....
until then iam only happy when it rains...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i gather my forces. regroup. the shock-waves to my psyche are now the battle call.
the battle cry.
one mother. one father. three sets of parents...
my birth mother:
italian. dark hair. dark eyes. full of astrology. full of jesus. full of judgments and confessions...
mysteries of the past. reappearing to rock my foundations...
my birth father:
medic. doctor. heart surgeon. absent. italian and jewish. lost. gone. somewhere. his eyes...
the eyes of a witch? an alien? a shaman?
most definitely the eyes of something "otherworldly..."
i was conceived in the isles of a pharmacy...among all the pills that would make the world feel better...
all the while my father looking at her with those eyes...
a question answered...where did you get those eyes??
>>>>>you have the eyes of an old soul...a priest,
a god, a healer, an alien, a movie star...
a teen idol....
an ascendant master??
the only thing i could ever count on in this life...someone would always comment on my eyes...my only guarantee:
if i needed to i could burn a hole right through someone's head with my gaze or hypnotize them at will...it was true power.
the colors change and go from liquid blue to ice green to a light light yellow...to that of a pharaoh. a prince. royalty. to the unwanted. the unloved. the criminal. the con artist. the magician. the child...the angel. the chosen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
my step mother:
british. quiet. cool. grounded in the harsh realties. never sugar coating anything...life is about hard work and you have no right to complain...might makes right. everything has an order. on the money. precise. creative. complex.
my step father: abrasive. funny as hell. sparkling blue eyes. brilliant. a business genius...powerful. quiet. harsh. german.
obsessed with money. a millionaire several times over. unforgiving...suspicious.
my adopted parents...
the next door neighbors...mr and mrs. kramer.
mr. kramer: kind. patient. passive. in the garage. woodworking.
loving. let go and let god...accepting. caring. frail...
mrs. kramer: loved me like her own. we looked like son and mother. she is my first spiritual teacher. mixing telepathy, christianity and love...she has angels in her house. she loves me and she loves god...she probably knew i was gay. she believed in re-incarnation. she told me once that a still born child she had years ago - she always felt that it was me and that i belonged to her either way...confessed that she "took too many pills" one afternoon. she was afraid that she might have fallen in love with a friend - her girlfriend in college...
around her i felt at home...
she told wonderful stories. a writer and dreamer.
i wanted to be around her day and night. we prayed together.
her two abercrombie-esque twins ken and phil blonde and blue eyed likewise adopted my parents...we basically traded parents...
i was a child of the universe. i belonged to no one...
destined to wander and learn. to become all of them...
they all fought over me. the all taught me. they all protected me. they all loved me but none of them could own me...
i congealed into the spirit of a gypsy.
full of vengeance and compassion. knowledgeable of the lower and upper worlds...more than human but not quite a full fledged god...my intelligence was exponential...my body morphed. my spirit was cleansed and damned...
i was blessed and cursed and lucky to know them all...
each one powerful in their own way...
i took everything they gave me.
i could call forth each of them at will to help me. i draw on them all...they all live inside of me...in my heart.
my lifes work: to collect all the fragments and bind them with love...
a new breed...
sometimes your destiny chooses you...
and all of this on my head each day...and yet:
after the game the king and pawn go into the same box...
may god's will be done:
see me...
feel me...
touch me...
heal me...
my destiny was to heal the world or destroy it...
this i knew and the meantime i would try not to tease the humans who got in my way...
but i must confess i always kissed the boys and made them cry....
the beast would return to me and soon enough...
if you could win your battle with all your powers intact then you have done good and will fight another day...
if you can win your battle with all your weaknesses showing and your strength gone then surely no one or nothing will ever challenge you again....
i dared that i would be that free...
my mind grew strong...my body became weak...
this is what was god wanted because this is what happened...
the levies of my psyche rose...
the beast would be fooled by my appearance...worn old and dying as i was...
but all the while my spirit and mind prepared and grew strong...
i was ready.
halloween
3am
i awake and begin popping herbal pills...
<>
rishi mushroom. fo-ti. sarsparilla, maca, cayenne, gotu-kola, ginko biloba, garlic, arginnine, amino acids, vit-c - e - a and the b's...yerba mate' and red clover...to clear away evil...
<>
none of this potent brew would go to strengthen my actual body. as i prayed over it i instructed the energies of these herbs and this tonic to go straight to my mind and spirit...
while my genitals shrank my nimbus glowed...true stares came to me on the street but only from the knowing:
and then there were gazes of love and compassion. this spun my head around and around. i was so invested in looking good and now that i didn't - in fact i looked quite the opposite people were kind and generous...the love began to melt me...
at first it hurt and stung...
i was a walking paradox...of frailty and power...i was burning alive and ashen gray...
my physical body once coveted and praised for the beauty it contained now oozing the pus and pain and dis-ease...i always held inside. now i could see it. i was manifesting all the deformities of my scars and pain.
i had the sunken face of a demon. the eyes of the alienated. glowing with rage. the skin of the weary. my muscles were wasting away...i was simply a bag of bones flying down the street...there was absolutely no water in my blood or veins...
and then a constant thirst. always a blinding thirst.
brittle - exposed and raw and numb all at once...
i could hear the demons howl with delight...hehehehehe--
"he has fallen!!...the golden child will soon expire..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>if i had only my vague dreams and precise words to seduce you into believing all that which is true then i would not believe it myself...
but things had happened. things to point to and say: did you see that?
in my early twenties i bought my first video camera. hot to see what i looked like jerking off a load i positioned the camera at a tilted angle toward the bed. i put on a private show for myself. bending over like an amateur porn star: waving my cock around - trying to suck my own dick...falling to my knees pretending to get fucked by a gang of hot studs...it was quite a performance indeed. and then coming up to orgasm. standing on the bed. the drapes open and the window exposed...i cum. and lo and behold: lightning struck outside at the exact moment i came...caught on tape. it was unmistakable...
anger or wild lustful sex, a strong precise clarity about what i was feeling brought about instant changes in the weather...
rain. thunder. lightning. i'am lightning...
soon i would look for the weather to change. if i felt despair - a sudden downpour of rain...if i was angry; wind. when i was at peace: fog rolled in...
this was amazing.
the "masters" were showing me things...
the forces seemed to court me...and soon i arose to their challenge. i began to intentionally manipulate the weather...was directly connected to it...
unseen forces around me...of light and dark...
whispering. teaching. trying to help me. heal me. seduce me. perhaps even impregnate me. destroy me. create me.
renegade angels just below the fount of heaven deciding i belonged to them...i would become their masterpiece: the masterpiece of angels...
in the meantime: the demons on the otherhand realized my rage and lust...my ability to devour men. to hear the winds and command the thunder...to destroy as quickly as i created...
to seduce you into sensuality and reticence...
and still i gave my allegiance to no one...
i only asked that i be approached with respect...
they would all show me what was possible and then i would choose...but until then i was content in the school of the cosmos being led...usurping power and knowledge...
from all of them...
it seemed the weather favored me: and this told me that perhaps i was more "shaman" than anything else...
but still holding out to find my true spiritual brethren...
>>>>>>>>>>>
perhaps someday i will tell you about my experiences shortly before hurricane andrew wiped florida nearly off the coast in 1992.
after a brief visit with gurumayi i awake to a searing back spasm...the entire right side of my body as if it had disappeared...internal movements causing my stomach to distend like that of a budda...
i lay in bed. was it a breakdown or breakthrough??
i lay in bed several months watching andrew devastate the land and people: feeling the swirling patterns of winds in my mind and spirit...
but for now that will have to wait...
lets continue our descent into hell...and keep your eyes on the prize...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
it's 3am - all hallos eve.
insomnia...
i cant get no sleep...
Iam totally jack-up on herbal speed...
on past halloweens i have dressed as "nature,"
an art dealer/vampire, a dead soldier, a zombie bride, the joker,
an angel of peace...
i sit on the edge of my bed. the bed of dreams and no sleep...
the bed of love and lust and wanting...the bed of ghosts.
should i stay or should i go now??
go downtown.
to the unending carnival of drunken spirits. hob-goblins, fraternity boys wanting their first homosexual experience...drag queens, fairies, moms, teachers, newscasters,
she-dominatrixes, the lonely, the discarnate, the stars, the lurkers...all prancing the streets of the west village wanting to see...in the grandest parade of costumes: the epi-center of the spiritual universe explodes...into the streets, all the spirits be they kind - worthy or loving will be in attendance...
i sit on the edge of my bed and close my eyes...i fall into a dream. the dream is simple: a desert landscape of white rocks and mountains. a grand dirt highway carved through the hills and piles of granite. jagged mountain rise above a day-lit sky: cloudless and foreboding. and then a giant white stallion. angry, running, majestic, powerful appears...followed by thousands of faceless men and women and children...they are throwing rocks at the awesome stag. some screaming in awe, their faces all gazing toward - running toward the powerful animal who is trying to escape...there is a frenzy of energy swirling...
a group of people head off the running, precise white god, he stops, slides and rises up on his hind legs kicking...and then cries. a perfect clear whinny from his throat pierces the heavens -- then there is silence and all movement stops as his front hooves hit the rubble...he snorts and takes one hoof and scratches it against the rocks and raises his head...
as if to charge...everyone waits.
and then an enormous spear from nowhere enters the stallion's side. he cries again. tries to run and then falls into a deep crevice below...as he is falling...
I awake with a cry -- "NO!"
this is so fucking, "not good" - i think to myself...
a canyon of despair rises up within me...
i've got to get out of here...
the stench of a dark omen circling around...
i tie a bandanna over my head. adorn my eyes with eye liner. fashion necklaces of gold around my neck. slide my torso into a white poets shirt unbuttoned...black pants and black boots...
i will be a pirate. a gay pirate. a pirate with a huge cock. a jolly roger' >>a beautiful rogue...
i step out into the night...the pavement damp. the sky crisp, the dream of the fine white stallion fading into the skyline of mist and screams...
happy halloween!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the west village
i walk slowly trying to decide what kind of pirate to be:
swarthy and masculine. kinda fey and sly, dirty and crusty,
walk the plank...or shiver me timbers...
my body adjusts into a kinda handsome, shinning thief...with quiet steady eyes...the center of my torso teeming with power... my white, open shirt billows in the night...
i wander and disappear into the subway cars, into the blue endless streets of moonlight, the abandoned side streets.
the coolness of the pavement present upon my heels... as the noise of the city and its night light of black and orange glows ever brite downtown...
pulling me in and toward the parade of the unnatural...the un-dead, the unwanted...
as i roam i hear the music of "faithless'"
"insomnia"
the intro is perfect...
here the following lyrics...
I only smoke weed when I need to,
And I need to get some rest,
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress,
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty,
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet,
Make my way to the refrigerator,
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam,
When the light above my head went bam!
I can't sleep, something's all over me,
Greasy, insomnia please release me,
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath,
Tearing off tights with my teeth.
But there's no relief,
I'm wide awake in my kitchen,
It's dark and I'm lonely,
Oh, if I could only get some sleep,
Creaky noises make my skin creep,
I need to get some sleep,
I can't get no sleep...
i'am filled with the night. i'am the night and its cool abiding darkness and promise. something will happen tonight.
this is a guarantee...something wild and unforgettable...will transpire to knock my ass further down the rabbit hole: down - down and down...
will it be weird sex? - true love? - rape or violence?
meeting the devil of my fears or the man of my dreams ?
i can not say...
all are possible tonight...
i wait quietly on a side street in the west village...
dazed.
leaning against the hood of a parked car...
soon rising to meet a climax not even i could have guessed at...
straggling Halloween revelers float by...gender fuck leather boys in make-up smoking, another pee-wee herman rides by, dancing purple dinosaurs, tinky winkies, an entire enchanted forest which i was impressed with...parades down the block and then disappears...and then perfect quiet.
i light a fag and then "she" appears...
she is waving her hand toward me, as if she recognized me and realizes we have a date..."there you are..."
i see a hobbling...ah, i see a crown, a blonde wig of curls, a turquoise dress with a white rabbit fur wrap...she's a ???
miss america?
an abused princess?
a rodeo drag-queen-clown??
i dunno.
she's 5 foot four tall.
"give me a cigarette honey..." she waves her tiny hand in my face...
i look quizzical and examine him puzzled...ah your a --?
"i'am the prom queen honey...."
i guffaw loud and sharp...
"oh - yes you are...ok. oh i get it...well your corwn is crooked and i see you've broken a heel...sweetheart - did the prom king or was it the football team who ruffed you up tonight??"
"neither..." she leans in while i spark my lighter to the cigarette now coated in orange lipstick...the flare of my bic highlights her mouth and eyes...our eyes meet...
I pause.
my mind scans the aura. the actual body. the eyes. the body posture to reveal...nothing. there are no clues to what he is - under there --- so for now he will have to remain the psychotic prom queen...shes up for anything...it's obvious --
hehehehee...the mind-fuck artist swells up inside me...
i keep her at a distance... yeah whatever...how was your night...?
"well..ah you can see..." she squints and inhales...and gives me the once over...her eyes seem to sparkle but only like that of
rhinestones....she adjusts her wig.
i laugh.
it's an evil mumbling, "i'am cooking up something real special for you" laugh...
she smiles this really fucked up - dried mouth - mommy orange lipstick smile and bats her eyes to the sky and giggles...
i laugh a loud pee-wee herman cackle and forward my torso and throw back my head...and then inhale whats left of my cigarette...and then flick it away...
"well...shall we?"
her eyes widen...i'll just let her think shes snagged her prey...
for now...
"oh - i'am quite parched. ah - do you care for a drink?? my treat..." she offers and then wraps her shoulders tight into her fur wrap and swishes her hips back and forth toward the bar door limping but chest forward...
"ok. lets go." i follow checking out his ass...ah maybe theres a possibility here...maybe hes a buffed east village stud under there...maybe hell fuck me with that dress on...let me wear the crown...suck my cock in the bathroom and coat my balls with lipstick...lick my ass while some weird-ass clown-vampire watches...who-yaaaa!
the disco music form the bar pulls us in...
the door opens. the smoke and sweat and heat from all the humans wafts into the sky...yes! we want to go inside there and see all the perverted fucked up things people are doing tonight...
"i follow you into helllll!" i scream and we disappear into the universe that is called: "the pieces bar..."
we work our way through the crowd. the place is wall to wall packed - i announce our arrival by waving one arm high into the air and dancing into the place...fuck yes. i'am having fun - everyone is acting out -- and away we go....!
down - down - down - into the pit of insanity...
we are pushed toward the bar from behind...it seems theres a riot at the door: two star wars storm troopers - a chewbacca and a princess leia are arguing with the door man...
an amazon freakish female warrior/wonder woman - catches the spotlight and waves a drink tray held by red-elbow length gloves above our heads and points the way as if to expose a tiny semi-circle stage...pushing through the standing room only audience wonder woman hits the stage and says:
"you may not be ready for this one - but here she is anyway!!"
just then - this blubbering whale of - a man ? a she-male?
a woman ? ah -- no identifiable race - could be mexican - phillipino - asian fusion, half black...kinda pin-head - freak-show of a human being stumbles and tumbles onto the stage...
her dress, caftan flies up...she is sweating...with fatty cheeks aglow...she raises her arm high -
"here I'am !!!"
the crowd screams...
the wonder woman emcee - pushes her out of the way...
and into the background and grabs the mic --
"not yet honey...tonight...the mother of all gong shows..."
the red glove points to a tiny red gong that appears from the ceiling and dips and stops: swinging like a noose next to the disco ball...
"TONIGHT -- contestant number one -- "the chinchilla from manilla" trying to win the grand prize of 55 american dollars to get her ah... "operation" for ah...? FOR WHAT honey?...."
the humanoid...eager to begin tries to respond and tries to grab the mic to speak...but the red glove pushes her out of the way...wonder woman pauses...and tilts her head - insult upon glorious insult...spills from her ruby lips...then she teases contestant number one by holding the mic close enough to speak but then pulls it away...
"nevermind dear...nobody cares anyway..."
"maestro - music please..." wonder woman perches the mic onto its stand and leaves...
"toot - toot - hey....... beep - beep! bad gurlzz!"
the caftan swirls. the beast dances and glides...the crowd goes absolutely fucking wild ---
everyone dances...and sways together...
"talking about baaad girls yeah!! - do you wanna get dooown??"
she spins and holds them...waves her arms. her chance in a lifetime...she is living it honey....
I'am sparkling with glee - i feel coated with fairie dust...
a drink appears from the prom queen who i had forgotten and i take it...nodding thanks...
and then turn my eyes back onto the circus dance. which resembles an elephant on two legs covered in fake Hawaiian plastic flowers...
the stage nearly caving in from her weight, the flabby under arms bouncing...the psychotic karaoke...the horsey mouth - the bloodless lips moving about - the ass sashaying...
the crowd begins to chant in unison...
"GONG - GONG - GONG.......!"
i feel a compassion and pity and identification with this poor creature that pulses my heart almost to tears...singing her heart out as she was...
all the dreams of love and acceptance in her eyes...and surely the crowd would never let her have it...
how vicious and delicious and cruel and ah -- new york...
i swear to god i almost peed my pants laughing and swearing to god to never forget this night...or this sight...
"GONG - GONG - GONG!"
now the crowd is getting mean.
"get off the stage fattie!"
"fuck off!"
peals of laughter...
people begin mooing like cows....
"COW/LADY ! COWLADY...!!! GO AWAY !!"
OMG!
I've never seen anything like this...
wonder woman appears -
the red gloves beats the gong - again and again and again and then with an incredible speed throws back two shots of, i guess it was bourbon...and then tries to push fattie right off the stage....
wonder woman pushes --- but cowlady pushes back...
wonder woman then goes right for the jugular...and pulls fatties top off....it's almost a riot of screams...
"lets see whatcha got there -- but cha are BLANCHE...ya arrre a cow---!"
the red glove swinging around the now untied halter top...
cow lady - sweaty and tired and exposed tries to regain her composure...and grab her top back...the red glove tosses it to the crowd..."there ay go..." and then cow lady shows herself to be - i think a pre-op transsexual with kinda fatty like swinging man-titties...the poor creature...floundering around...
"auk - your done! >>>>>ay didn't know we were going to have a DONKEY show tonight did ya ??"
with a strong push from behind...wonder woman ejects cow/fatty from the stage...she flies and hee-haws through the air...
"there she goes folks...side of beef anyone ?? NEEEEXT..."
GONG....
the room is spinning..i think i've been drugged. someone has slipped me a mickey...i'am going to pass out...
i taste my drink again - sure enough - it has the faint taste of Spanish fly ? valium? drano? GHB?
ah, i dunno but its taking effect...
a fight has broken out. its time to leave...before the bar is ripped into...well: pieces....smirk.
TA-TA...
i slip through the crowd easily toward the door...the sound of screams and glass breaking echo as i hit the street...
i look up...the moon is full.
posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Thursday, August 31, 2006
halloween - part two
hallowen - part two
i stand under the moonscape. clouds, mist and fog are invading manhattan: and then a perfect full moon announces itself completing the stars and heavens...
the bar is emptying out.
my bad dreams seem like three eternities away...
it's quiet. i breathe...
the bar is gone...
i feel like my mind is thinking...but i'am not thinking...i'am pulled in the full of the night...it's around 4am...
i'am drugged but do not fully realize it...it's a dull and vague set of clouds rolling above me, through me...around me...
the witches, skeletons and ghosts continue to filter by and through the streets...coming and going...
i look up - the moon smiles...the clouds dance...the stars are red...
"hey."
i hear a voice. it is kiel...
"are you having a good time tonight?" he asks...
"....kiel. ? kiel...?"
"i'am right here..." i hear...and then an angel appears glowing with a luminosity: ethereal and warm...
it is kiel. walking toward me...
"oh god. i miss you so much. where have you been? what are you doing here?" i reach out to touch him...my hand goes right through the air...
"i think somebody put something in my drink...in the bar..."
"that was quite a show in there..." kiel remarks and laughs...
the laugh of an old dear friend. someone you have missed every minute since they've been gone...i sigh into the chance to say all the things ive wanted to tell him...ask him.
"whats it like over "there?" i inquire and nod...
"youd be surprised. it's not that different." he smiles.
he looks deep into my eyes...and i begin to cry...
"just as your connected to spirits on the "other side" were likewise connected to you...the only difference is now the "other side" is, well here. in the realms of the living..."
"you have to figure the perfect time for a full fledged visit is on halloween: under a full moon...halloween." he smiles as if to remember all the smells and lights and candy and parties and fun...he meets my eyes again...
a pack of red devils walks by...
"and like i said. it's not that different..."
the devils are sharing a joint and the smell of pot reeks into the space between us...they are smoking and laughing...
"ah - you did go to heaven - didn't you?" i ask...
"it's not like that...think of it like, if your in new york. then i'am in Montana...ah -- something like that..."
"ok. whatever the fuck that means..." i shake my head...
"oh god you look so beautiful. the last time i saw you - you were in the hospital. you looked so awful..."
"i remember...i screamed at you and said: "why are you looking at me like - I'am dying...?"
"the pain on your face...you were gone three days later..."
"the pain is gone."
i look up. kiel shimmers like the moon. the same hazy whiteness around his aura...his face is the moon. he winks...
"see ya around..."
I look down...
"hey wait a minute...i want to know what its like to die..."
there is a pair of high heels in front of me. squaring off toe to toe...i see the heel on one of the shoes is broken...i panic. i look up. it's her...
>>>>>>>>"where did you go?" his voice is squeaky and he seems impish and small...his make-up is blotchy but still i cant not seem to read his aura or get a clear idea of what's underneath...sexy hot stud or village troll...
"i'am going home." i remark flatly and turn to leave...
"WAIT! don't go - please. i have tickets to the party at the palladium..."
i'am swaying back and forth...his voice is now slowing down...
it seems altered. slower. lowered. his eyes spark. he touches my hand. his touch is warm: "please...go with me..."
"i don't even know you..." i remark coldly. "i should just..."
"it's the best party of the year..." he holds up two tickets.
one hundred dollars each. sold out months in advance. youd have to be a fool to pass this up...and then i think besides...
you can always ditch her prom-queen ass and find someone more ah - suitable to your liking - like the prom king...
"ok lets go..." i turn up the street. and no sooner then i agree she turns back into the waifey, demure, hobbling goblin kinda bouncing his head and waving his tiny wrists around...i walk fast because i dont anyone to recognize me with her...
she's getting on my nerves..."yes - i will use her ticket and then ditch her ass...totally...."
the devils grin appears.
"ok cmon, lets go --"
on the way there - a sexy-ass abercrombie football player grabs my shirt - grabs me and lays a deep full kiss onto my lips...
"let me tackle you tonight bro!??" he asks. looks into my eyes.
hes hot and young. hes dirty blonde. tall and buffed. he bites my lip..."i'll see you later..." he nods and heads to the entrance line.
"ok here we are." i look around. the sight is amazing. a winding que of costumes...good witches - bad witches - dead cheerleaders - a king kong - green sparkling aliens - spartacus and seven gladiators in jockstraps ... cowboys - clowns -
a starbucks coffee cup - the manhattan skyline - tinkerbell -
another pee - wee herman rides by on a red bike and the tinkle of a bell goes off...
then we all turn to see a pack of ghosts - like something out of the haunted mansion - - on stilts - float by - everyone is quiet...
they look real...they are close to twelve feet tall - raiments of shimmering white - they seem to hover in mid air...
hands down the ghost parade is the high light of the evening...
beautiful...truly ghost like and other worldly...
i spy the door man.
i happen to know her from years ago when i was promoting clubs. she waves me over...she is in a kinda of "jetson's" drag with silver make -up...she opens the ropes...
i look back to the football player and sparticus to make sure they see my VIP entrance and they do.
I think to myself...
"one of those bros is getting a blow job in the bathroom tonight at the least... i nod and wink...
and walk through like royalty...
the prom queen grabbing my hand...
i thank the drag queen door man -
"good to see you sweetie..." acknowledging her power and giving thanks...
a quick air kiss on the cheek...
and the red velvet ropes close behind us...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
"fuck - iam really high..." i mumble and stumble toward the set of six doors. the middle two now opened for us by two beefeater guards...
in a darkened hallway before us color swirls and then
running around us and spinning around us are tea-cups...
pink and blue tea-cups...a white rabbit, alice in wonderland...all singing: "I'am late. i'am late for a very important date..." the mad hatter appears. manic. laughing screams...throwing cards..."would you like some tea??"
two female attendants appear with actual tea - pots. they are wearing plastic hoop skirts below the waist which have no material on them...they are twins. they are blonde. they have straight perfect blonde hair and perfect 36 d cup boobs pushed forward. they are full of smiles...
the mad hatter shrieks with delight...and hands me a tea cup
of tea...
"drink this tea....now" he implores...a little magic for your night ah an enhancer....some magic...i mean the tea...the tea is -- magic..."
i drink the tea...the mad hatter's eyes widen...
he shrieks and runs away...gone
the tea cups swirl and float away.
we are on a conveyor belt...
there is silence. you can feel the muted base sounds of music...
we are in a long silent hallway filled with mirrors...
behind the mirrors - faces appear and then fade...
and then the main room doors open up --
there is a small landing and then down a grand stair case we go...
the dance floor...
bats are flying above. real bats.
there is a clock tower lighting up the space with an orange glow. gonging...gong - gong - gong - like a reverberating big ben -- and the hands on the clock are twirling fast - backwards around and around...lightning and shrieks: a small portal opens near the top of the tower and a shriek is belted over the speakers - the wicked witch of the west appears waving her hands..."i'll get you my pretty!!"
the wizard of oz, it's disneyland, warner bros, the house of horrors, the chainsaw massacre, freak night - fright night - fairee dust - devils brew - cob-webbed. flowing fog and then a long intro of music begins...
i look above -
out of nowhere three swings appear from the ceiling to reveal three swim suit models swinging...reminiscent of an MGM - ester williams spectacular - they glide through the air...
long intro of music....
it had to be...the red velvet curtains slowly pull back to reveal on the stage high above the dance floor...
madonna in high aristocrat drag:??
VOUGE....
yes -- a line of high -- high drag - high queens take the stage but then...theres a flash of white...
the witch screeches
the gong - gongs...
another white flash and then...
vougue...
they re-appear as ghouls...still dressed in aristocrat gowns
but now the gowns are ripped and faded...
they are joined by foot men...also ghouls and also dressed in torn and faded 18th centruy drag...
they take the stage...
the witch screams in delight.
vogue.
a mix of "thriller" fades in and out...
the bass rumbles the entire foundation...
stomps.
hand poses....
stop. frozen in a pose...
ghouls vouguing === vogue....vogue...vogue...
the crowd tears down the house...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I'am standing in the middle of everything. truly in awe-shock...
the only thing to happen now could be lightning striking and burning the house to sunders...
but the frenzy continues....
all the while more loud gongs and the rabbit hole of my mind widening ever greater...the mad hatter's tea hitting me - my corwn chakra opens...iam dizzy. iam floating. iam the room...
like a hypnotists wheel...spinning and spinning and spinning...
and flying...
then an interruption...
the prom queen is trying to kiss me. i had forgotten all about her...
i push her away...cold and flat.
the seven gladiators part the dance floor...one turns my way - hes dark and handsome and tosses his jock strap to my hands...
i bring it up to my nose and inhale of it deeply...and nod -
fuck yes!
a whoosh of testosterone and muscles...delights my senses...
>>>>this is the party people will talk about for decades...
like truman capotes black and white ball at the plaza.
the closing of the saint party
the first white party in miami
peter gaitiens - hospital bloodfest - diluaded party
the opening of the "area" night club...
the "rent" tompkin square park riots
woodstock
the opening of the roxy
and this....the event of the decade...
vogue.
tinkerbell appears and sprinkles fairy dust and the disco ball above explodes.
silver confetti dances and falls onto the dancefloor. the laughter from "thriller" can be heard --
a trumpet announces something new.
the gong sounds off again...
two enormous congo drums slowly descend into view: swaying above the dance floor...ala cirque du soliel...
two perfectly over-built muscle boys hold up giant batons...and then strike the drums...
glenda the good witch appears...and waves a wand.
a lazer beam shoots from one end - she points it to the clock tower and then strikes the wicked witch dead and says...
"let the party begin...!"
then the intro to "thriller" begins and explodes into a new frenzy of movement...
it's raining pills. god only knows what they are - candy - ecstasy - rainbow juice...party enhancers...people gobble them up and a drum chant begins the call to sensuality. power and might...
everything is awash in a hallucination...
a vision of beautiful...
dreaming and dreaming without end...
in the michael todd room - bar under the famed basquiant mural
the prom queen offers me another drink...and we embrace in a long strange endless kiss...
we fly to the moon...
slowly i slide my hand up her dress...
she doesn't stop me.
and then to what my wandering hands appears...?
the phallus of satan...
the donkey dick of my career in sex addiction.
an easy ten inches - hard - moist - potent - in my hand.
it presses against me...
i almost fall to my knees to suck it by instinct....
it had to be...the biggest dick ive ever touched...
"lets get out of here..." i mumble.
ive got to see it.
touch it. see it with my eyes.
get fucked by it...
wear the crown...and make her fuck me --
the little imp from hell riding his ass pony into the inferno of brimstone - HELLFIRE!
the gods are merciful!
they will surely punish me for three eternities for this but let me be dammed...i want that freak-cock...
then...
a pause...suddenly we are on the street...
we are in a cab.
next were up the stairs.
then through the door. the door closes. the chain-bolt: bolted. i sit and rest amidst - lawn furniture and fake astro-turf and plastic geese...
the prom queen flicks a switch and the plastic geese light up....
quack - quack.
the living room of the prom queen...
she saunters around - "well here it is..."
she disappears into the back of the apartment into the dark, doing something...she fiddles with the stereo and then a kenny G record begins to play scratchy on a phonograph...
i feel mildly buzzed and euphoric. my ass twitching from the thought of that humongous dick sliding up my moist greasy butt...
then her face again. powdered and white and ghastly appears. teeth and lips...
"let me make you some tea..."
i look around.
i see a farrah fawcet poster. figurines are everywhere. a macramé pot holder...articles from the 70s. a scott baio poster...my eyes are blurry and fogged...and slowly i begin to realize that i'am in a time warp... circa 1977...
something is not quite right...like the last five minutes before the titanic hits the ice berg...i feel a dread...a whisper...
a calling...a panic...
leave now!
......or forever be frozen here...
go....!! run!!!
but the thought of seeing his huge member just once more and putting it in my mouth holds me there...
suddenly the tea kettle whistles off loud and then -
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the spell is broken!
I stand up...
i grab the fur wrap from his shoulders...and fling it through the air...
she turns away - to the dark...she turns her back...
things are happening frame by frame...under a strobe light...still frame and magnified...
her back is not the back of some hot east village stud muffin...
no. no no. its bony and hairy and ugly...and grotesque...
she cowers...
my hand grabs her shoulder and then i pull the wig off hard...
I pull his cheek into the light....
i see her eyes - straight from the gallows of hell!
red and sunken...
and then i scream -
the loudest most pathetic scream - emanates from deep below....
from both of us - she screams - I scream - my jaw shakes with violence..
"you tricked me!"
i grab the straps of her dress...and rip them down...hard and mean. hes naked. except for a pair of white silk panties. decripid and old...and then there it is.
the ten incher standing high and erect like a flagpole...SMACK!
i belt him square in the face. a good hard smack. and he flies into the dark...against the stereo and the record scratches loud and the music stops...
I have snapped...
i kick the lawn furniture over and throw the table upside down...
i kick the string of plastic geese and they fly throw the room -- quacking and into a mirror...sparks fly
i look into the mirror and then slowly it cracks...and falls to the floor...i ponder my image fragmenting...and cry and try to touch my face...
then her face appears next to me --- my eyes widen again...now wigless and totally exposed our eyes meet...
"you drugged me!" i yell.
"no - no - no....." his hair is dyed oompah loompa orange and in patches flies wildly into the air...he is part munchkin, part elephant man, part oompah-loompah and all freak...cracked dirty teeth, bad breath, leather skin...full of distress and pain..SMACK!
"let go of me!"
i run to the door and pull it open. true terror at having kissed this creature rages through my mind...i pull the door but the chain-bolt holds me there-- if i dont leave then and there i will be broken in ways that will never be repaired. i will never be the same again. and then with a hard pull as if i could claw the door open with my very mouth the door jamb breaks and splinters.
freedom...soon...
she runs toward me.
grabbing my shirt and falling to her knees...crying...i push her back into the dark and she echos -- saying...
"its not the hair...its the person...!!"
pleading and then i boot kick to the center of his chest ---
thud...he flies back...
he disappears.
she hits something hard and it all stops and i fly down the stairs screaming:
"i made out with the elephant man...!
i almost fucked an ommpah-loompah! somebody help me!
somebody please ---- help me!"
the streets are dead-calm.
i flag a cab
lightning strikes above and then rain as if unzipped from the heavens...falls and coats everything.
i jump into the cab and throw a twenty onto the front seat...
"DRIVE! fast -- "
the cab bouncing and jumping over pot-holes quick - and speeding away --
from the backseat i stare...
as if freak-man could somehow escape his dungeon and find me....screaming and running through the streets following me to midtown...i look back just to make sure - i sigh relief....
i wish i would have hand-cuffed him to the floor....
now i wish i would have stayed and thought up some elaborate torture...a special torture just for him...
shit on him. put tiger balm up his ass...
put him in a cage and piss into it...
hang him upside down...nothing would be too strange...
rain is pelting the cab...
the cab driver inquires...
"sir - where are going??"
he is gone...
but the night i'am afraid is not over just yet...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the cab driver rambles on about this and that and this and that...his mindless chatter begins to normalize me back in the material world...
but i'am still drugged, dazed and oddly aroused...
my my mind half-baked, my dick half hard-oozing pre-cum...
i feel a warm space in my chest and a buzz, like a shaking inside...
the cab stops with a halt. i throw another 20 throw the partition and step to the curb...
the rain has stopped...
abba music plays from an apartment one flight up...
"the visitors"
i know the lyrics and tempo well...
Now I hear them moving muffled noises coming through the door I feel Im crackin up
Voices growing louder, irritation building and Im close to fainting crackin up
They must know by now Im in here trembling in a terror evergrowing crackin up
My whole world is falling, going crazy there is no escaping now, Im crackin up
Now I hear them moving muffled noises coming through the door
I feel Im crackin up voices growing louder, irritation building and Im close to fainting crackin up
(I have been waiting for these visitors)
They must know by now Im in here trembling in a terror evergrowing crackin up
(I have been waiting for these visitors)
My whole world is falling, going crazy there is no escaping now, Im crackin up
(I have been waiting for these visitors)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the visitor...
as i step from the cab to the curbside i hear the abba music - perfect and clear. i slam the cab door and head for the corner bodega for a pack of smokes. my body is almost to the door but my head turns while walking forward to spy a twenty something tallish guy in red sweat pants...
its obvious that hes not wearing any underwear or boxer shorts because i can see the outline of his cock perfectly which looks full and semi-hard and really nice and big...
my devil horns protrude.
hmmmm -- ?
could be straight - could be gay....could just want a bj....
i shoot a look to him...that surely, in any language would be translated into: "WANNA FUCK?? i wanna suck it - i'll swallow..."
he stands outside and waits: then shy and coy like squeezes his cock and his bulge grows just a bit...
as he flexes everywhere...he pulls back his arms behind his head and exposes his armpits...and then nods...
the answer to my question: "yeah man...yeah i wanna fuck...."
i smack the cigarette pack against the butt end of my palm a few times and square my shoulders to his. then i point my index finger to the center of his chest and shaking my head like a madman, sniffing him like a dog and sensing i would like it and his cock. quick and precise i say:
"yeah - you wanna fuck?? well then you should follow me down the block...because i'am gonna do things to you that no one has ever done...you game?? just follow me..."
and down the street never looking back i walked...
"voices growing louder - irritation building - i'am close to fainting -- now i feel i'am cracking up..."
i key the door to the building. mr red sex-pants in the wings... standing right there but i don't acknowledge him but i do think to myself..."this time theres no wig and no dress."
"this visitor" is gonna get the tumble of his life when i get him upstairs...
full of lust and passion and GHB, the mad hatters brew, the weird night, the herbs, halloween, the donkey dicked freak-show: i needed release...
red sweat-pants which have always turned me on...always reminds me of sucking some guy off in a gym or in central park late at night...
as i fly up the flight of stairs my cock goes rock - ringing - hard...hes right behind me. falls into my animal space and breathes down my neck and pushes me against the door. hes taller than me by a head and it's quite easy for him to pin me there and brings his masculine, scruffy chin to mine.
he looks into my eyes. raises his arm above me and makes me sniff his arm pit...
he garabs my chin and then...
he plants a firm erotic kiss on my lips.
he pushes my shoulders down with both hands and tip toes to pry his mouth onto mine - i open my mouth wide to receive his tongue...as i suck on his tongue i begin to melt...I let my guard down and fall to my knees in one motion and smoothly glide the red sex pants to the floor...
his perfect bone flies open into the air and bobs up and down...
it'a big one...
i slide likewise down his torso and to the waist and then the thigh. I breath in his crotch -- it's fucking nice - the cock is nice firm and oozing a little fresh jizz from the head...genius!
heaven - light...a healing wand of light...a giant white snake which contains the cure...
i put my lips to it as if it contained nectar....bow my head just like a prayer...and then take his phallus all the way down...
as i'am sucking him i pin him to the door -- and then i knock over a stack of books and that does it...i stand up and scatter everything off the kitchen table...
he is on the same page and counter-attacks...pushing me down onto my back, trying to kiss me - spinning me around and then bending down to lick the crack of my ass...long and soft...
i don't have to wait long until he heaves and then with expertise slides his member into my ass and pumps slowly at first and then deeper....we heave together. forward and back in a perfect rhythm. i hold the sides of the kitchen table for support and then i can feel him shooting and spasming inside me...
i cum without touching my cock...
the back of my head exploding off...
there is so much ecstasy in this release that it begins to hurt...
i lay there silent...he puts two fingrs into my mouth: they are swathed with our juices...i suck on them for a moment...
"thanks..."
i gaze into his eyes. for a fleeting minute i sense he's an angel...that he's not human...i ponder and wonder...
then he is gone...never saying goodbye.
i crawl over to my bed -- thanking god the night is over...
i pass out butt in the air: face down.
i tasted lust and won... i tempted the gods into destroying me.
i had my visitors...i touched a penis that belongs in a museum...
danced with all of manhattan under the gong-ing witches tower. saw tinkerbelle and tasted the funk of a gladiator...
got fucked by the angel of lust...
had my hole opened and filled...and now drifting away to the stars...i cracked a smile...and a grin...and then it's all gone.
good night.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
posted by kirk @ Thursday, August 31, 2006 0 comments
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
chants of light
6-14-06
today i feel oddly "high."
however...there is nothing in my system stronger than some potent amazon berries and wheatgrass...
i watch the motion of my wrist - jacking my ever greased - hard and huge cock --
up and down - wave upon wave - still and always amazed at the pleasure derived from such a simple mechanical act and movement...
and yet - the spiritual benfits are yet to be accrued...spinning me into a daydream of a stronger man who enters my room - mounts me and makes me sniff his armpits -- all the while he rides my fat - pulsating, throbbing and then spurting dick -- into the bullseye...
of his heart and soul -
in another time my cum would not allow him to take in my power, strentgh and light but today - i give him my all...his aura lights up...
thankful: he kisses me gently riding every last drop of juice from my balls...
and then he is gone....
today the weather is perfect. to stay inside seems the hieght of arrogance and indulgence.
like smoking when you know your healthy...
sometimes i think i burn a little too brightly for this place....
the angels are touching me now as i close my eyes...
sweet sweet siren song that seduces me into the land of forgotten dreams...
no longer lost in a world that doesnt value me...the colors are bright again...
i lose contact with my body and then the world explodes into a million chants of light --
the consummers and the slaves to the weather are all gone...
the haiku of humanity - eat - consume and blow up is about to end --
as the final explosion occurs i realize: my existence is the only validation i require...
the sno-globe of my limited reality is cracking...but out of it hundreds of white doves ascend...
i truly am crying because everything is so beautiful...
stoned on something i cant even give a name to...
the best high is when you dont need anymore...
a divine liquor swishing through my blood...
i cook lunch in my undies. it's delicious...
posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006 0 comments
halloween
one year ago.
there was intent.
3am.
the beast comes out to play...
the cigarettes, the sex addiction, the anorexia, the debting...
the credit cards, the internet cruising, the loneliness, the despair...insomnia. misery loves company.
all the demons and fragments feed upon each other...
i formed a plan to get away...
this was my last chance --
i was going to wipe the beast from my mind body and spirit -- with a one - two - knock - out id take the beast out now weak and smug...
i would be clean from everything and the beast would not win...
everything you read, every movie you see is about a hero...
is about a person going for their dream...
this is our religion...finding your dream and making it happen...
on the outside the dream is fame - money - external things - cash and prizes but these were just a distraction...a distraction so nobody, not even my alcoholism, would know what the real game was -- what the real prize was...
the real prize was not to own things - collect things or put them under my jurisdiction.
the dream, the prize was to be free --
and thats always the prize...
to be from from the beast -- to be free of "it." to beat it....
have a clear head. a clean life....so it wouldn't have anything on me -- washed clean, ready for god to love me -- free from worry or doubt - that was my plan...
and slowly i began -- this entailed:
i ate when i didn't want to -- i stored my credit cards away, i cut my tabbacco consumption by 50%,
i no longer wanted to pump up my body - my ego - my cock or myself with things of this world...
i wanted to fix my soul...i wanted to go home - clean...
the way i came in...purified in the fire...of dignity of divinity.
i so desperately wanted to fix the hole in my heart that made me crave attention. made me want the things of this life constantly...the wanting - the wanting - and the never getting it right - there was no satisfaction. no humility for "god's" plan.
if i got something then my mind told me it was the wrong color - the wrong size, that i needed something else now - another person, apartment, another thing only to be discarded and this is what made me tired more than anything else...
i would rid myself of the voice that said all of those things, thrived on my doubts and fear of never being enough...
slowly and quietly i would remove all the toys that my dis-ease used against me...slowly but completely....
and this is what i set out to do...
but little did i know - the snake was recoiling only to strike - bite my ass and throw me around with a whiplash...
my body breaking down the toxins...the mental detoxes continued and my energy became like lightning...
all my energy went to my mental processes...to the needs of my soul...this evolved and aligned my energy but my body was breaking down in the process...could i with stand it ???
i like to think that i could -- but...many tests awaited...
tests of endurance and strength...tests of will - the will to continue and live in a world that gave me nothing to live for....
one side was being reborn and the other was dying and i was caught in the middle...
my soul grew warm.
my body cried in pain...
there was ecstasy and searing white hot pain...
there was my heart melting - there was a giant light around me turning to gold....
>>>>>>>
the pressure begins...
the owner of the building that i lived in for 18 years dies.
in the interim period of his dis-ease, descent and death the family ceases all business activity and fails to renew my expired lease...
repeated attempts to renew my lease fail. I begin to panic...
i occupy a rent stabilized apartment. by manhattan standards and current rental market prices my apartment would rent for around 1500.00 dollars...but i only pay 575.00 due to rent stabilization...
an apartment like mine, rent stabilized, two, three foot windows of southern exposure light, three rooms in the location of hells kitchen which is central to all of the city is a valuable commodity in the most expensive city in the world...
i try and try to contact the owners son to send me my new lease. he does not respond. there are rumors that the building is for sale. rumors that the new owners are going to harass the tenants to make them move at which point they could renovate the vacant apartments and charge a higher rents. the stakes are raised. this is very common in the city. as it stood i would have to prove that i had a lease. i was living in a vague idea of what my rights as a tenant were...my security was undermined. this is a central fear of all tenants in the city. the landlord wants you to move - to charge the next guy a higher rent.
in the intervening years of living under rent stabilization the rent in the city sky rockets 1000 per cent. but my income rises slowly. as it stood if i lost the space i was living in then i would not even be able to afford to move to an outer borough.
i'd have to leave manhattan...
deep within me a tension and fear began to swirl...and as you know when there is tension surely it wants release...an addict under the gun of fear...wants to run...
i would lose everything...could lose everything...
the thought of this generated such a fear within me that i broke out in a rash. hives covered my body but this was nothing compared to what came next...
without the safety zones you are exposed. without the chemicals of caffeine and nicotine things are magnified...
an addict under pressure will - "act out" that is to say - you will look for comfort even if it means picking up a chemical like alcohol or sex or going back into anorexia, to numb what you are experiencing...
the volume gets turned up higher...
something is wrong with my body...
i'am not sleeping at night.
and then at the place where i work as a bartender a bottle of "johnny black" is stolen from the bar...the owner begins a witch hunt to find the perpetrator...heads are gonna roll. someone is going to get canned...the screws tighten.
my home is a high pressure situation. my job was a high pressure situation. now it becomes a place of fear, back-stabbing and scheming...the other employees - the other bartenders know if iam the one that gets fired then four very lucrative bar shifts will be up for grabs...
one of the bartenders that i work with begins stealing money. she pockets the cash when she should ring up the sale. on occasion she pushes a twenty spot into my pocket also like hush money. the owners have spies that sit on the bar, trained to spot thieves...everything feels like it is about to come tumbling down...
iam headed for a breakdown i can tell...
no sleep. hives. i return to my anorexia and stop working out. i look gaunt and pale...i go to the emergency room for diarrhea...
my body refuses to hold any food...
iam under attack. my footholds of security are being taken away...
my two bases where i ground and support myself are shaking. i'am on shaky ground. iam under pressure. iam ready to crack...
my fortieth birthday approaches.
my goals and dreams are slipping away.
i have twenty years of photographs. i have twenty years of short stories. poems. artwork. all stored away that my time, effort and money helped create...the dream of earning a living from any of these ventures seems far away and eludes me.
the dreams of a young artist fresh and full of talent seem far away...
the material world values: power - financial power and youth and success...I'am losing my youth. i have failed to create financial power. i have failed to be recognized as a poet or writer or artist of note...
i have failed to find a partner in life...
Iam alone. it seeems to me that i have only grief, disappointments and a handful of scattered dull pain: shame begins to overtake me...
i'am far away.
i did my work. i was not lazy. people with less talent than myself got their chance. got a book deal. got paid.
got into the right gallery...
maybe my only chance now is that my poetry and art could be shown: post mortem...
if i knew that my lifes work could be deciphered or desimmentated or published or shown in my absence i would expire myself with the click of a gun...
right then and there...
i live because i want someone to know...to see what i have done...to give my "children" my artworks a chance to live in the world...but right now none of it - all the words and works would make sense to no one but myself...
it needed to be organized. edited. and then organized again.
the thought that my step mother sits on a family estate of over 25 million dollars begins to crush me...
she gives away money to evade the heavy taxes of the estate...
how easy it would be for her to write me a check. give me the money to upgrade my camera, computer and printer or have the free time to look for outlets to sell my photos. to garner representation. to make a switch into full time artist...
she does not call offering to help me...instead she sends me letters asking for money...letters asking that i donate to her favorite charities: one of which has my father's name on it.
the foundation gives money to fund underprivileged youths to go to college...
the focal point of her dissatisfaction with me ?
she won't give me money because i'am gay...
3am.
every night i awake. as if shaken by an unseen force.
i sit up and a flow of tingling buzzes through my legs and chest. wide awake. i pace back and forth in the tiny space. looking at the filing cabinets filled with artwork - poetry - photographs.
in the kitchen cockroaches crawl...then i turn on the lights. they are everywhere...i return to the edge of the bed.
I fall into despair...
cockroaches are in my bed. in a glass of water. crawling around the refrigerator. in my clothes...
i shake my head in disbelief...my life now has become a twilight zone of surreal regret and pain...
trapped.
i resolve to meditate my way through it. it cant last that long.
and then the clock strikes 7am and a jack-hammer goes off in the apartment next to mine...
the new owners are renovating the vacant apartment next to me.
sledgehammers shake the walls and a radio blares Spanish music and advertisements during the reprieves of the jack-hammering...
i'am being tested to my very core...
the pounding. the shaking. the opening of the walls. the cock roaches. the chain smoking. the insomnia. the anorexia. the sex addiction...all shows on my face...
i'am going downhill. fast. my mantra becomes:
"let go or be dragged..."
it's obvious that all hell is breaking loose in my conciousness...so typified by my outer reality...the bugs of my psyche are running in every direction...the walls of my foundation are being ripped open...
but there was more...
i begin to contemplate suicide.
every night around 3am. i awake from a dream. a dream of ghosts. ghosts having a grand time.
how i wish to join them...their world is a party. they have no cares.
my world is falling apart.
how i wish to escape to the other side and languish in their playful eternity...
every night i awake around 3am and one of the ghosts sits quietly on the side of my bed...kiel.
kiel has followed me from the haunted house of my dreams and makes his presence known...what he wants i can not say. he does not speak. he sits there. his presence is strong and does not fade.
>>>>>>>>>>>>
i get a phone call. it is my birth-mother. who by the way has been missing for more than 25 years...
she suddenly re-appears out of the blue.
"it's mommy."
i feel a heat in my head. a pain in my heart. and i itch everywhere.
"where have you been?" i inquire.
"nevermind..."
nevermind...that was the corker...
"now that your daddy's gone - i want to return to the family..."
thanks for sharing that.
my heart opens with rage and closes with resentment.
pause.
"no. a never mind is not gonna be good enough..." iam astounded and in awe at her audacity to return, now, as if no time elapsed.
to speak as if there were no consequences...but she does...
pause.
i wish to hear a tale of regret: of missing me. an apology. a confession. an explanation...a story of a catharsis or healing or redemption...finally i say...as an accusation...
"what do you want??"
"i have bad heart valves...or rather i did. i had open heart surgery. my doctor said that its hereditary...you should go to a doctor to get it checked out..."
"is that it?" i remark with no emotion what so ever...
i light a cigarette. my breathing is shallow.
"well - i thought id tell you that..."
the tip of the ice berg...here we go...
the cracking of the glacier of questions forming...
the match to the dynamite.
to the gasoline...the explosion...
the pause before it all blows up...
pause...
i await. in seconds i imagine what she could possibly say next:
i bow my head. my hand to my forehead...and consider:
she could say: "well - i'am a millionaire! or
i was kidnapped and held in an under ground government facility as a lab experiment...
i was abducted by aliens...
iam a big porn star....!!
i want to help you...
"jesus is coming!"
i want to repay all the years ive been gone.
i was in a cult that tortured me...
i worked for the CIA....
i wanted to explain why you've got the aura of a "witch..."
your the son of a king...
no.
she continues...
"i figured that after i left, you and your father would not get along...you looked so much like me, i mean...did you get disinherited??"
pause.
i inhale deeply.
"yes."
"well i think you should know...he wasn't your father..."
boom!
>>>>>>>>>>
"i'am gay..."
pause.
"i said I'am gay...and i'am a witch..."
pause.
"i'am an artist. i write poetry. i'am a bartender....i'am gay..."
"so are you talking to jesus?" she asks...
<> i think to myself...
are you talking to jesus...?
"yeah as a matter of fact - i just saw jesus on the a-train going downtown last night - he says "hi."
i light another cigarette.
pause.
"your < real? > father is a heart surgeon... he lives in DC. your actually jewish by the way...."
long pause...
click.
i hang up...
>>>>>>>>>
a poor man will give birth to a millionaire...
the christian man will give birth to a rebel...
the rich man will bring forth the artist
the hyper-masculine man will give birth to the faggot...
and now i know what iam ---
the love child of a doctor and a witch...
i'am a doctor and a witch.
I'am a doctor and a witch...
I'am a healer.
the road to becoming a sage is strewn with obstacles, burning hellfire, angels and pain...and letting go...the stormy road to god - paved with blood and wanting...sweat. cum and lust...denial and acceptance...
let go or be dragged...
let go and be dragged...
whomp- there it is!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
medicate the pain...
the desire to drink comes back to me after 20 years grace...
a bloody mary would be sooo good right now --
some valium would be nice...a few joints, a few razor blades. a bottle of jack daniels. a few guys on viagra...a hotel room at the chelsea hotel...
my sober plan?
get laid and chain smoke.
the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
halloween in manhattan.
the crucible has begun.
the gauntlet coming...
"what doesn't kill me will make me stronger..."
"what doesn't kill me will preserve my body only to stretch out the misery..."
I'am being carved up - the demons - vampires and vultures - circling around my body...
tearing the dis-eased meat from the bones...
but first the beast will make sure it has its way with me...once and for all so i never forget...
i command the forces of the universe to my corner...
lets go fucker...
stop tapping me -
stop trying to hit me
and hit me !
the lightning. the wind and the water all belong to me...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
news flash - hurricane katrina begins to rip apart new orleans...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
if the beast is godzilla - then iam mega-godzilla...
i open my mouth and fire scorches the land...i throw my hand to the right...a skyscraper tumbles...
citizens are scrambling....the villagers run and scream!!!
i wait for the counter punch...
whoosh --
the beast flies away...for now.
no doubt he will return with mothra...and titanasaurus...
there will be nothing left...
until then i would surely walk the tightrope between destruction and chaos...and creativity...
sex and death....
death and re-birth....
until then iam only happy when it rains...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i gather my forces. regroup. the shock-waves to my psyche are now the battle call.
the battle cry.
one mother. one father. three sets of parents...
my birth mother:
italian. dark hair. dark eyes. full of astrology. full of jesus. full of judgments and confessions...
mysteries of the past. reappearing to rock my foundations...
my birth father:
medic. doctor. heart surgeon. absent. italian and jewish. lost. gone. somewhere. his eyes...
the eyes of a witch? an alien? a shaman?
most definitely the eyes of something "otherworldly..."
i was conceived in the isles of a pharmacy...among all the pills that would make the world feel better...
all the while my father looking at her with those eyes...
a question answered...where did you get those eyes??
>>>>>you have the eyes of an old soul...a priest,
a god, a healer, an alien, a movie star...
a teen idol....
an ascendant master??
the only thing i could ever count on in this life...someone would always comment on my eyes...my only guarantee:
if i needed to i could burn a hole right through someone's head with my gaze or hypnotize them at will...it was true power.
the colors change and go from liquid blue to ice green to a light light yellow...to that of a pharaoh. a prince. royalty. to the unwanted. the unloved. the criminal. the con artist. the magician. the child...the angel. the chosen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
my step mother:
british. quiet. cool. grounded in the harsh realties. never sugar coating anything...life is about hard work and you have no right to complain...might makes right. everything has an order. on the money. precise. creative. complex.
my step father: abrasive. funny as hell. sparkling blue eyes. brilliant. a business genius...powerful. quiet. harsh. german.
obsessed with money. a millionaire several times over. unforgiving...suspicious.
my adopted parents...
the next door neighbors...mr and mrs. kramer.
mr. kramer: kind. patient. passive. in the garage. woodworking.
loving. let go and let god...accepting. caring. frail...
mrs. kramer: loved me like her own. we looked like son and mother. she is my first spiritual teacher. mixing telepathy, christianity and love...she has angels in her house. she loves me and she loves god...she probably knew i was gay. she believed in re-incarnation. she told me once that a still born child she had years ago - she always felt that it was me and that i belonged to her either way...confessed that she "took too many pills" one afternoon. she was afraid that she might have fallen in love with a friend - her girlfriend in college...
around her i felt at home...
she told wonderful stories. a writer and dreamer.
i wanted to be around her day and night. we prayed together.
her two abercrombie-esque twins ken and phil blonde and blue eyed likewise adopted my parents...we basically traded parents...
i was a child of the universe. i belonged to no one...
destined to wander and learn. to become all of them...
they all fought over me. the all taught me. they all protected me. they all loved me but none of them could own me...
i congealed into the spirit of a gypsy.
full of vengeance and compassion. knowledgeable of the lower and upper worlds...more than human but not quite a full fledged god...my intelligence was exponential...my body morphed. my spirit was cleansed and damned...
i was blessed and cursed and lucky to know them all...
each one powerful in their own way...
i took everything they gave me.
i could call forth each of them at will to help me. i draw on them all...they all live inside of me...in my heart.
my lifes work: to collect all the fragments and bind them with love...
a new breed...
sometimes your destiny chooses you...
and all of this on my head each day...and yet:
after the game the king and pawn go into the same box...
may god's will be done:
see me...
feel me...
touch me...
heal me...
my destiny was to heal the world or destroy it...
this i knew and the meantime i would try not to tease the humans who got in my way...
but i must confess i always kissed the boys and made them cry....
the beast would return to me and soon enough...
if you could win your battle with all your powers intact then you have done good and will fight another day...
if you can win your battle with all your weaknesses showing and your strength gone then surely no one or nothing will ever challenge you again....
i dared that i would be that free...
my mind grew strong...my body became weak...
this is what was god wanted because this is what happened...
the levies of my psyche rose...
the beast would be fooled by my appearance...worn old and dying as i was...
but all the while my spirit and mind prepared and grew strong...
i was ready.
halloween
3am
i awake and begin popping herbal pills...
<>
rishi mushroom. fo-ti. sarsparilla, maca, cayenne, gotu-kola, ginko biloba, garlic, arginnine, amino acids, vit-c - e - a and the b's...yerba mate' and red clover...to clear away evil...
<>
none of this potent brew would go to strengthen my actual body. as i prayed over it i instructed the energies of these herbs and this tonic to go straight to my mind and spirit...
while my genitals shrank my nimbus glowed...true stares came to me on the street but only from the knowing:
and then there were gazes of love and compassion. this spun my head around and around. i was so invested in looking good and now that i didn't - in fact i looked quite the opposite people were kind and generous...the love began to melt me...
at first it hurt and stung...
i was a walking paradox...of frailty and power...i was burning alive and ashen gray...
my physical body once coveted and praised for the beauty it contained now oozing the pus and pain and dis-ease...i always held inside. now i could see it. i was manifesting all the deformities of my scars and pain.
i had the sunken face of a demon. the eyes of the alienated. glowing with rage. the skin of the weary. my muscles were wasting away...i was simply a bag of bones flying down the street...there was absolutely no water in my blood or veins...
and then a constant thirst. always a blinding thirst.
brittle - exposed and raw and numb all at once...
i could hear the demons howl with delight...hehehehehe--
"he has fallen!!...the golden child will soon expire..."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>if i had only my vague dreams and precise words to seduce you into believing all that which is true then i would not believe it myself...
but things had happened. things to point to and say: did you see that?
in my early twenties i bought my first video camera. hot to see what i looked like jerking off a load i positioned the camera at a tilted angle toward the bed. i put on a private show for myself. bending over like an amateur porn star: waving my cock around - trying to suck my own dick...falling to my knees pretending to get fucked by a gang of hot studs...it was quite a performance indeed. and then coming up to orgasm. standing on the bed. the drapes open and the window exposed...i cum. and lo and behold: lightning struck outside at the exact moment i came...caught on tape. it was unmistakable...
anger or wild lustful sex, a strong precise clarity about what i was feeling brought about instant changes in the weather...
rain. thunder. lightning. i'am lightning...
soon i would look for the weather to change. if i felt despair - a sudden downpour of rain...if i was angry; wind. when i was at peace: fog rolled in...
this was amazing.
the "masters" were showing me things...
the forces seemed to court me...and soon i arose to their challenge. i began to intentionally manipulate the weather...was directly connected to it...
unseen forces around me...of light and dark...
whispering. teaching. trying to help me. heal me. seduce me. perhaps even impregnate me. destroy me. create me.
renegade angels just below the fount of heaven deciding i belonged to them...i would become their masterpiece: the masterpiece of angels...
in the meantime: the demons on the otherhand realized my rage and lust...my ability to devour men. to hear the winds and command the thunder...to destroy as quickly as i created...
to seduce you into sensuality and reticence...
and still i gave my allegiance to no one...
i only asked that i be approached with respect...
they would all show me what was possible and then i would choose...but until then i was content in the school of the cosmos being led...usurping power and knowledge...
from all of them...
it seemed the weather favored me: and this told me that perhaps i was more "shaman" than anything else...
but still holding out to find my true spiritual brethren...
>>>>>>>>>>>
perhaps someday i will tell you about my experiences shortly before hurricane andrew wiped florida nearly off the coast in 1992.
after a brief visit with gurumayi i awake to a searing back spasm...the entire right side of my body as if it had disappeared...internal movements causing my stomach to distend like that of a budda...
i lay in bed. was it a breakdown or breakthrough??
i lay in bed several months watching andrew devastate the land and people: feeling the swirling patterns of winds in my mind and spirit...
but for now that will have to wait...
lets continue our descent into hell...and keep your eyes on the prize...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
it's 3am - all hallos eve.
insomnia...
i cant get no sleep...
Iam totally jack-up on herbal speed...
on past halloweens i have dressed as "nature,"
an art dealer/vampire, a dead soldier, a zombie bride, the joker,
an angel of peace...
i sit on the edge of my bed. the bed of dreams and no sleep...
the bed of love and lust and wanting...the bed of ghosts.
should i stay or should i go now??
go downtown.
to the unending carnival of drunken spirits. hob-goblins, fraternity boys wanting their first homosexual experience...drag queens, fairies, moms, teachers, newscasters,
she-dominatrixes, the lonely, the discarnate, the stars, the lurkers...all prancing the streets of the west village wanting to see...in the grandest parade of costumes: the epi-center of the spiritual universe explodes...into the streets, all the spirits be they kind - worthy or loving will be in attendance...
i sit on the edge of my bed and close my eyes...i fall into a dream. the dream is simple: a desert landscape of white rocks and mountains. a grand dirt highway carved through the hills and piles of granite. jagged mountain rise above a day-lit sky: cloudless and foreboding. and then a giant white stallion. angry, running, majestic, powerful appears...followed by thousands of faceless men and women and children...they are throwing rocks at the awesome stag. some screaming in awe, their faces all gazing toward - running toward the powerful animal who is trying to escape...there is a frenzy of energy swirling...
a group of people head off the running, precise white god, he stops, slides and rises up on his hind legs kicking...and then cries. a perfect clear whinny from his throat pierces the heavens -- then there is silence and all movement stops as his front hooves hit the rubble...he snorts and takes one hoof and scratches it against the rocks and raises his head...
as if to charge...everyone waits.
and then an enormous spear from nowhere enters the stallion's side. he cries again. tries to run and then falls into a deep crevice below...as he is falling...
I awake with a cry -- "NO!"
this is so fucking, "not good" - i think to myself...
a canyon of despair rises up within me...
i've got to get out of here...
the stench of a dark omen circling around...
i tie a bandanna over my head. adorn my eyes with eye liner. fashion necklaces of gold around my neck. slide my torso into a white poets shirt unbuttoned...black pants and black boots...
i will be a pirate. a gay pirate. a pirate with a huge cock. a jolly roger' >>a beautiful rogue...
i step out into the night...the pavement damp. the sky crisp, the dream of the fine white stallion fading into the skyline of mist and screams...
happy halloween!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the west village
i walk slowly trying to decide what kind of pirate to be:
swarthy and masculine. kinda fey and sly, dirty and crusty,
walk the plank...or shiver me timbers...
my body adjusts into a kinda handsome, shinning thief...with quiet steady eyes...the center of my torso teeming with power... my white, open shirt billows in the night...
i wander and disappear into the subway cars, into the blue endless streets of moonlight, the abandoned side streets.
the coolness of the pavement present upon my heels... as the noise of the city and its night light of black and orange glows ever brite downtown...
pulling me in and toward the parade of the unnatural...the un-dead, the unwanted...
as i roam i hear the music of "faithless'"
"insomnia"
the intro is perfect...
here the following lyrics...
I only smoke weed when I need to,
And I need to get some rest,
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress,
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty,
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet,
Make my way to the refrigerator,
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam,
When the light above my head went bam!
I can't sleep, something's all over me,
Greasy, insomnia please release me,
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath,
Tearing off tights with my teeth.
But there's no relief,
I'm wide awake in my kitchen,
It's dark and I'm lonely,
Oh, if I could only get some sleep,
Creaky noises make my skin creep,
I need to get some sleep,
I can't get no sleep...
i'am filled with the night. i'am the night and its cool abiding darkness and promise. something will happen tonight.
this is a guarantee...something wild and unforgettable...will transpire to knock my ass further down the rabbit hole: down - down and down...
will it be weird sex? - true love? - rape or violence?
meeting the devil of my fears or the man of my dreams ?
i can not say...
all are possible tonight...
i wait quietly on a side street in the west village...
dazed.
leaning against the hood of a parked car...
soon rising to meet a climax not even i could have guessed at...
straggling Halloween revelers float by...gender fuck leather boys in make-up smoking, another pee-wee herman rides by, dancing purple dinosaurs, tinky winkies, an entire enchanted forest which i was impressed with...parades down the block and then disappears...and then perfect quiet.
i light a fag and then "she" appears...
she is waving her hand toward me, as if she recognized me and realizes we have a date..."there you are..."
i see a hobbling...ah, i see a crown, a blonde wig of curls, a turquoise dress with a white rabbit fur wrap...she's a ???
miss america?
an abused princess?
a rodeo drag-queen-clown??
i dunno.
she's 5 foot four tall.
"give me a cigarette honey..." she waves her tiny hand in my face...
i look quizzical and examine him puzzled...ah your a --?
"i'am the prom queen honey...."
i guffaw loud and sharp...
"oh - yes you are...ok. oh i get it...well your corwn is crooked and i see you've broken a heel...sweetheart - did the prom king or was it the football team who ruffed you up tonight??"
"neither..." she leans in while i spark my lighter to the cigarette now coated in orange lipstick...the flare of my bic highlights her mouth and eyes...our eyes meet...
I pause.
my mind scans the aura. the actual body. the eyes. the body posture to reveal...nothing. there are no clues to what he is - under there --- so for now he will have to remain the psychotic prom queen...shes up for anything...it's obvious --
hehehehee...the mind-fuck artist swells up inside me...
i keep her at a distance... yeah whatever...how was your night...?
"well..ah you can see..." she squints and inhales...and gives me the once over...her eyes seem to sparkle but only like that of
rhinestones....she adjusts her wig.
i laugh.
it's an evil mumbling, "i'am cooking up something real special for you" laugh...
she smiles this really fucked up - dried mouth - mommy orange lipstick smile and bats her eyes to the sky and giggles...
i laugh a loud pee-wee herman cackle and forward my torso and throw back my head...and then inhale whats left of my cigarette...and then flick it away...
"well...shall we?"
her eyes widen...i'll just let her think shes snagged her prey...
for now...
"oh - i'am quite parched. ah - do you care for a drink?? my treat..." she offers and then wraps her shoulders tight into her fur wrap and swishes her hips back and forth toward the bar door limping but chest forward...
"ok. lets go." i follow checking out his ass...ah maybe theres a possibility here...maybe hes a buffed east village stud under there...maybe hell fuck me with that dress on...let me wear the crown...suck my cock in the bathroom and coat my balls with lipstick...lick my ass while some weird-ass clown-vampire watches...who-yaaaa!
the disco music form the bar pulls us in...
the door opens. the smoke and sweat and heat from all the humans wafts into the sky...yes! we want to go inside there and see all the perverted fucked up things people are doing tonight...
"i follow you into helllll!" i scream and we disappear into the universe that is called: "the pieces bar..."
we work our way through the crowd. the place is wall to wall packed - i announce our arrival by waving one arm high into the air and dancing into the place...fuck yes. i'am having fun - everyone is acting out -- and away we go....!
down - down - down - into the pit of insanity...
we are pushed toward the bar from behind...it seems theres a riot at the door: two star wars storm troopers - a chewbacca and a princess leia are arguing with the door man...
an amazon freakish female warrior/wonder woman - catches the spotlight and waves a drink tray held by red-elbow length gloves above our heads and points the way as if to expose a tiny semi-circle stage...pushing through the standing room only audience wonder woman hits the stage and says:
"you may not be ready for this one - but here she is anyway!!"
just then - this blubbering whale of - a man ? a she-male?
a woman ? ah -- no identifiable race - could be mexican - phillipino - asian fusion, half black...kinda pin-head - freak-show of a human being stumbles and tumbles onto the stage...
her dress, caftan flies up...she is sweating...with fatty cheeks aglow...she raises her arm high -
"here I'am !!!"
the crowd screams...
the wonder woman emcee - pushes her out of the way...
and into the background and grabs the mic --
"not yet honey...tonight...the mother of all gong shows..."
the red glove points to a tiny red gong that appears from the ceiling and dips and stops: swinging like a noose next to the disco ball...
"TONIGHT -- contestant number one -- "the chinchilla from manilla" trying to win the grand prize of 55 american dollars to get her ah... "operation" for ah...? FOR WHAT honey?...."
the humanoid...eager to begin tries to respond and tries to grab the mic to speak...but the red glove pushes her out of the way...wonder woman pauses...and tilts her head - insult upon glorious insult...spills from her ruby lips...then she teases contestant number one by holding the mic close enough to speak but then pulls it away...
"nevermind dear...nobody cares anyway..."
"maestro - music please..." wonder woman perches the mic onto its stand and leaves...
"toot - toot - hey....... beep - beep! bad gurlzz!"
the caftan swirls. the beast dances and glides...the crowd goes absolutely fucking wild ---
everyone dances...and sways together...
"talking about baaad girls yeah!! - do you wanna get dooown??"
she spins and holds them...waves her arms. her chance in a lifetime...she is living it honey....
I'am sparkling with glee - i feel coated with fairie dust...
a drink appears from the prom queen who i had forgotten and i take it...nodding thanks...
and then turn my eyes back onto the circus dance. which resembles an elephant on two legs covered in fake Hawaiian plastic flowers...
the stage nearly caving in from her weight, the flabby under arms bouncing...the psychotic karaoke...the horsey mouth - the bloodless lips moving about - the ass sashaying...
the crowd begins to chant in unison...
"GONG - GONG - GONG.......!"
i feel a compassion and pity and identification with this poor creature that pulses my heart almost to tears...singing her heart out as she was...
all the dreams of love and acceptance in her eyes...and surely the crowd would never let her have it...
how vicious and delicious and cruel and ah -- new york...
i swear to god i almost peed my pants laughing and swearing to god to never forget this night...or this sight...
"GONG - GONG - GONG!"
now the crowd is getting mean.
"get off the stage fattie!"
"fuck off!"
peals of laughter...
people begin mooing like cows....
"COW/LADY ! COWLADY...!!! GO AWAY !!"
OMG!
I've never seen anything like this...
wonder woman appears -
the red gloves beats the gong - again and again and again and then with an incredible speed throws back two shots of, i guess it was bourbon...and then tries to push fattie right off the stage....
wonder woman pushes --- but cowlady pushes back...
wonder woman then goes right for the jugular...and pulls fatties top off....it's almost a riot of screams...
"lets see whatcha got there -- but cha are BLANCHE...ya arrre a cow---!"
the red glove swinging around the now untied halter top...
cow lady - sweaty and tired and exposed tries to regain her composure...and grab her top back...the red glove tosses it to the crowd..."there ay go..." and then cow lady shows herself to be - i think a pre-op transsexual with kinda fatty like swinging man-titties...the poor creature...floundering around...
"auk - your done! >>>>>ay didn't know we were going to have a DONKEY show tonight did ya ??"
with a strong push from behind...wonder woman ejects cow/fatty from the stage...she flies and hee-haws through the air...
"there she goes folks...side of beef anyone ?? NEEEEXT..."
GONG....
the room is spinning..i think i've been drugged. someone has slipped me a mickey...i'am going to pass out...
i taste my drink again - sure enough - it has the faint taste of Spanish fly ? valium? drano? GHB?
ah, i dunno but its taking effect...
a fight has broken out. its time to leave...before the bar is ripped into...well: pieces....smirk.
TA-TA...
i slip through the crowd easily toward the door...the sound of screams and glass breaking echo as i hit the street...
i look up...the moon is full....
to be continued...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
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