bryan - mark
thanksgiving
i wake up in a whirlpool...
i try to find another day
i try to find a way to make my self better
i go down in whirlpool...
about to lose conciousness...
above me - on top of me
a 23 year old beads his sweat onto my face...
his upper torso is covered with tats...
the arms -- meeting his cliched fists...are likewise
inked...
inked in that east villiage - "hr giger" screaming demon - hot punk toughie kinda way...
i try to close my legs, he's too strong - too big
on top of me
at once -my arms are held tight behind my head by one of his strong adereniline fueled angry irish boy hands - the other administers another blow to my chest - and then he descends...his chin to mine...
a long slow kiss as he forces his hips into mine and then moves quickly to lift me up...and hits the target area...
his ringing phallus - head finds my hole...and then he pushes me down again...another kiss. deep and so passionate, i'am not sure if I'am being raped - or made love to or simply beaten into bleeding and lust...
it's all seeping into a blur...
but i feel the heat at my center and the head of his cock entering, sideways, then he pulls back, straightens his hips again - sslaps me hard and re-applies the bullet to my ass...it opens...and then another long slow kiss and he heaves into me...
"you wanted it bitch..."
my eyes glaze over
bryan...
i press my head to the center of his chest and turn my head to the side and hold it tight against the center - the hair of his pecs moist...highlighting the peirced flaming heart tattoo...the sword descends from the throat down to just below his solar plexus...inscribed on each side: "love - hate..."
and at the bottom: "make your choice..."
the tighness of my ass is gone...
the feeling of terror gone...
i sense the movements...filter through the air - about to leave my body...
i can see everything from above...the poetry of fear, the cursed need of the bodies...my eyes full of light...
his ass so fine and white and powerful...tensing and precise...sliding his entire self into my hole...the cock igniting the raging burn...covered with sweat...the beads from his face sting my eyes...
my arms wrapped tight around his back....both vessals open - it was just an hour ago we were on the street--
his cock was hard and then out of his pants -- three tourists - young girls watched briefly -- and then quickly moved down the block --
"who fucking cares??" he grabs the scruff of my neck and says -- "lets go...your place..."
angels above - whispering...
enveloped in a golden ball of light....
a current of love...i turn to sense the presence...
i let go -
angels with me watching --
the whirlpool opens...
a portal appears...
the room disappears...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
i'am twelve years old.
I'am in an empty field.
a lot full of dirt mounds and dying tall grass...
the wind rustles through the reeds...and two young beautiful boys run and scream through a path...
one of the boys is older, handsome, around 16 with soft brown eyes...a strong youthful torso....legs running after the other one...hands opened to feel the reeds as i run along to a clearing....but my cousin - mark is fast behind, he tackles me: hard and i fall and hit my chin on a rock...
I'am on my stomache. mark's hands hold fast to the sides of my jeans...and my pants edge down slightly to expose my ass...i try to crawl away but this only pulls my pants down more...until they are almost to my kness...
i gather my strentgh and struggle free...and run while rying to pull up pants...a few yeards more and i'll be in the clearing...and will have won the race...
i lay there in the circle. on my back. a trickle of blood on my lip...breathing fast. pulling up my pants - looking up to the sun...moving across the secret sky...a ray of light catches my eyes and for a moment blinds me...but mark comes up - kneels next to me and with one hand presses it onto my chest and holds me down...
he looks upon me...and smiles. out of breathe. i laugh. he laughs....
"you won this time..."
then his belt is undone... and his young hard dick grazes my cheek and then it is in my mouth...and i'am sucking it -- almost by instinct but i remember - it wasn't something planned, it just happened...
"oy yeah -- thats nice...dirk...yeah, don't tell...it's our secret..."
i sensed something new happening in me - my own cock begins to swell...and aches...and mark presses his hands to my crotch...and says: "Beautiful..."
mark was my first boyfriend. i guess you could say that...
then we both pause...sounds from the outer rim of the clearing...
two other boys are watching...
mark stands up. fixes his member back into his pants and without warning grabs one of the kids by his t-shirt and lifts him up into the air...high above him and then throws a hard clean punch into his stomache and the small frame flies back and hits the dirt....
the other boy runs away...
"don't you ever fucking come back here or I'll kill you..."
mark yells and smashes the kids face into the dirt --
"hear me ?"
"yes..." the boy cries and then runs away.
the lot is quiet.
mark picks me up.
"c'mon - lets go.." we walk slowly away from the clearin back into the reeds and onto the trail...he pats my ass.
"you go ahead - I'll be there in a minute..."
I look back.
mark has fallen to his knees...
pants unbuttoned - he looks down -- stroking his dick fast...his face contorts...he lets out a small cry...and tilts his head back....his body spasms...
"ah - ah ...ahhhh..."
he disappears...
i go back to my aunts house and watch tv...
mark comes in about 15 minutes later like nothing happened...
we watch tv the rest of the afternoon...
later that night i had my first orgasm.
mark kissed me - sucked my cock and made me suck his...
he bit my dick hard enough to make me cry. he fingered my hole....while he jacked me off --
until i came...
he pushed me down - as my balls squirted out a young fresh load of jizz --
he covered my head with a pillow to muffle the yell...
I smell the sex of our bodies, fresh - sharp, powerful...
he was a man. smelled like a man -
to this day - in comparison - i now know mark had one of the biggest dicks i've ever seen...
i fall a sleep next to him exhausted....at peace...
warm.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I'am standing in the shower. bryan holds my cheek up to the water. theres a welt on my face. i can feel blood draining into my eye, mingled with the warm water...
i'am limp in his arms...
he holds me upright. as if some sacred light were bathing us...i snese that he also is in some unspeakble pain -- some deep psychic wound witin him likewise has arisen...as he holds me -- for a pause - there is understanding...
i'am not sure who i'am to him....but i'am somebody...somebody from his past...he is in pain also...
the steam and pain - the haze from my eyes...bryan, mark, bryan, carries me to the bed and throwns me face down and then begins to fuck me again...
I'am relaxed. this time he shoots a hot load up my ass...
and i collapse...
hours later. silent.
bryan is clothed. i kneel before him....
hold his boots to each foot and slip them on...
i lace up the laces and tie them...
i gaze to meet his eyes...we both nod.
"see ya..." he mumbles and then the room is empty.
the dark angel has left...
the rest of the city sits down and prays...
they are wrapped in the spirit - a bounty of food and gratitude...kitchens all over the country are warm with the scents of cranberry, sage and turkey....
i lay on my back. wondering if i should go to the hospital...
i make my way to the refridgerator. open the door...
take a swig from a bottle of ice water. it hits the back of my throat...i hear
"happy thanksgiving..."
from the apartment above me...
my legs buckle. i fall to the floor...
the refridgerator door swings back and forth...
i awoke hours later -
the ice from the freezer pooled onto the floor...stinging my back...
Monday, December 29, 2008
Lets Go...by Sean Bateman9
lets go --
in ur gay dreams --
5/22/o6
abbot westend calls.
he asks me to come up to cape cod to his condo in province town.
i say "yes."
I make arrangements to take the train to boston and then the two hour boat ride to p-town...
a rush of memories come back...
where do i begin to tell you about abe???
abbot never stays in one place very long. unlimited lines of credit,
too much cash and his need for a constant sense of movement dictates that he jump around from resort to resort, dropping wads of cash and taking along his friends most of the time...always moving always looking for something...
i never know where to find him.
abbot usually calls me once a year to ask me up to his condo share for the summer when his usual bevy of boys runs thin...or he needs a sane, sober voice around to pull him back to reality...
he calls when he needs someone to nurse him back to health and cook for him.
>>>>>>>>abbot marcus westend (westend financial) the third...
harvard business school / yale law school. perfect hair. perfect eyes. perfect body. perfect dick...perfectly lonely.
i was in cape cod no longer than four days when he announced that we were leaving for fort lauderdale.
all exspences paid...hed taken care of the plane tickets and all i had to do was pack and get on the plane...
somewhere bewtween the layover in charlotte: which was 45 minutes or just enough time to grab two quick smokes in the terminal bar and a cranbery-seltzer and watch the yankees cream the red sox on ESPN.
or maybe - it was watching abe enquire and the terminal counter whether the two of us could change the seating assignments and sit toghether...
examining the suave, relaxed and confidant way he approached the flight attendant and waited for an answer or the smooth words that formed from his lips:
"thats fine..." that i warmed to him again and yes fell in love all over with the poor little rich boy from conneticut...
you could see the look on people's face when abbot aprroached them
as if they'd just been smitten or bitten by his spell...
intoxicated by his manners and powerful grace...
he reeked of money, privelgedge and class...
his crisp blue eyes and boyish prep school hair cut let you know he's used to getting what he desires...
at times cocksure and then at others a pain would show in his eyes that said - "I'am just like you..."
abe's desire to flirt and seduce everyone that came along his path was pathalogical. he needed a constant influx of love coming his way and he needed to know that he could return that love likewise in the form of gifts, attention or time spent together...
although he was madly in love with mathers bradley - (his current infatuation) who he'd take a fist in the eye from and then return to him to receieve more of his (alcoholic) wrath or his mind blowing messages or another ride on his throbbing perfect cock -- or even a combination of all three -
abe would do all this to court love to his favor and
-as usual he was coming up short.
abbot carries around some vague illusive goal of giving himself over to the one perfect mix of rommance, soulmate and partner.
through the years abe had trotted the globe looking for the one guy he could stay with and partner with...
it was somewhere in the airport when our eyes met again as if to greet one another for the first time in years:
when he lifted the plastic white spoon from his lips - re-dipped it back into the styrofoam cup full of vanilla and chocolate ice cream that hed bought while i was in the bar and then pushed it gently toward my own lips without a word...nodding:
"this bites for you dirk..." he grins...
the crowd of holiday travelers surrounding us hardly took notice of the coy gesture of flirting bewteen our bodies...
abes movements, the way his slid the creamy melting treat into my mouth - held me close with his eyes and then winked - all seemed so natural that even if someone had been paying attention they simply would have seen two close friends or guys in love...
an obvious pair of buddies or lovers: a closeness that belied old friends after years of unanswered questions and still a mystery of warmth...and tenderness.
abe smiled dipped the spoon straight up into the ice cream and then moved forward to re-board the plane...quickly pulling away as if in another second wed break into a long rommantic kiss...
his lips close to mine. our eyes locked, he came into my heart and then turned away...assured that i could still love him: that the fires inside still burned for him...he was satisfied and ready to move once more.
having re-inserting the heart strings again successfully and re-kindled the old flame between us he pulled out his boarding pass and looked back toward me to make sure i was behind him...
"ready?"
he nodded his head...but didn't meet my gaze...just noted the return nod of my chin. my face a little flushed as if daddy was in control of everything...i relaxed and moved in behind him wanting to take his hand...
before he moved into the line proper, i took the oppurtunity to respond to our rolling continuing dialougue that began so manyy years ago but never seemed to form into a conclusion feelings...
at some very odd times through the 15 years of knowing each other abe never missed the chance to remind me:
"ya know i'll always be in love with you..."
which he re-iterated yesterday in p-town after announcing-confessing that he got fucked twice by brad mathers an hour ago - that we were going to leave the cape and travel to his condo in florida and that he'd take care of everything...
"ya know...it was so many years ago...but you were the first..." his eyes tilt reflectively.
i grin at this tete-a-tete...
"it was you dirk...." and you know it...
it was here standing in line to re-board that i whsipered over his shoulder toward him - just loud enough for the other passengers to hear...
"you know abe...I've always been in love you..."
he grins.
>>>>>abe is the yang to my yin.
and likewise I'am the yin to feed his yang.
you always put a guy like me with a guy like abe.
abe: forever trying to escape the superficialities of the material world; almost locked inside of it and always asking..."is there more??"
he wants to transced.
likewise
i'am the dark mystical. the amorphous, mercurial shade of things unseen.
forever trying to understand the material world and it's odd necessities. focused on how it all feels rather than how it looks...
i'am looking to ground to an earth inside of myself.
abe understand how things work "outside."
i'am familair with the internal landscapes of feeling and spirit.
two halves seeking a whole static balance...
abe's orientation is about winning and competing and being active.
my orientation is about experiencing, being, and waiting...
abe is the day...
I'am the night...
his life chant is: "get all your ducks in a row..."
mine is: "hell's bells..."
you get the idea.
>>>>>>>>>>five days ago --
I got the call from abbot.
"please come up here..."
"abe - i just got out of the hospital..."
well...do you think you can get on the train?"
abe snaps off the latest hiv news from his travels in florida, boston and province town...
"soon there'll be only one pill. you can buy HGH human growth hormone on the black market in miami...brads on it - beefed him right up again...
down in puerto vahartta, its a different story...welcome to the club, by the way....you sure took your sweet time..."
"it's time for your annual p-town trip and the house this year is nice. not that "lesbian shack" we had last year..."
>>>the one with the moldy basement and dried flowers in clay pots: not to mention the collection of lighthouse statues from around the world...>>>
"oh - right - i agree - yeah that place was a trip..."
although i did get fucked real nice in that basement in the early AM two years ago...i also got a nasal infection from the mold...
summer 1992 -
it was my first night in p-town. abe brings me to the house. then gets ready to go out. the bars close at 2am. it's a big rush to get to
"last call."
i was trying to gauge the streets and my bearings so i could find my way back later that night. p--town is not on a grid system, mind you. it sprawls out around a bay. the lesbian house was four streets back and to the left off the main drag of "commercial street."
if you didn't know where you were going it would take a few days to learn the route back...
my first trek out into town was around midnight. on a bike: no street signs. no markers to recognize.
abe spouts off -- while riding his bike about a block ahead of me :
"oh it's real simple...you just turn here - go up to this block - make a left blah, blah, blah...ok i'am late - gotta meet blah, blah, blah...." he hands me a viagra and scoots off into the dark on his bike. "have fun."
>>>well.
that night i was wearing crimson red abercrombie swim trunks. nylon. they show every line and bulge... cuts your ass real nice and gives you the heavy, weighty look that your carrying a well hung piece inside there...just waiting to come out and play...
i was also wearing a plain white t-shirt and some sandals.
>>>>>
the first time you take viagra you probably shouldn't do it at one am in an all gay resort town when the bars close at two am.
the gay road less traveled. lead me to a parking lot off the main drag, near "spiritus pizza."
for those of you who have never had the pleasure of getting "a share" for the summer in p-town: heres the low-down: theres three gay bars.
about a hundred drag queens line the five blocks of the main street of a tiny fishing villiage...
back in the day...it was a writers colony and refuge for painters and other assorted artists...they started inviting their friends, no one else would go there, and as the story goes, they told two friends and so on and so on...and by the 70s p-town was known all over the world as the gayest resort town in the world...
and still no one else would travel there...however loads of tour busses of hetero tourists would inevitably descend upon p-town in the late ninities visrtually destorying the towns identity and homogenizing everything into a string of t-shirts shops with sarcastic yet nebulous logos.
the eighties were the hey-day. all hot fags and no tourists:
beefed up muscled daddies cavorted openly with their twinks, the bears, the lesbians, the leather crowd, the families: the gay ones, all claimed a calender week to celebrate their particulair niche in the queer community. although i've never heard of "drag queen" week probably because every week is drag quen week in p-town...
and what a sight it was the first time i went there invited by abe to his house of gay characters during the reign of gay terror....
the fourth of july weekend...
the stories from that time 1992 perhaps will have to wait for now...
it was quite a dichotomy seeing a lonely quiet fishing town with no corporate outlets mind you: just small curio shops, antiques and queer card shops. lobster pots a boil. fried shrimps and ice creams on the peir
and in the east end - around fifty to 75 art galleries each showcasing a particulair artist... type of art or handicraft.
the gallery openings alone could keep you busy for months.
there are several three star restaurants. a large population of year round residents dominated by the boston boys A-list of abercrombie stock-broker models with perfect pecs, those boston pecs--
alot of porn stars, comics and well some more drag queens...
mix it all up and youve got p-town in june...
the streets are really quiet at night. its not a big party town--run through the streets kind of place like key west.
its more low key.
you get wickedly wasted in the bars. take most of your drugs before or after in your guest house or bedroom of your share for the summer...
when you leave the bar - be cool and reserved....and then head for "spiritus pizza" the only establishment that stays open until 4am.
heres the place to pose and cruise and act out - a little...but not over the top...because your in public its enough that your queer and holding holds and kissing or showing afffection and not hiding who you are....
to be loud and obnoxious at 2am would be to break some strange code that the boston guys set up along time ago...
go to spiritus pizza - get two slices - stand in line- which snakes out the door, by the time you get served you will have seen all the hotties and can take your pick...
guys pair off and the crowd thins. theres always a few older guys haging around talking about this or that...off to the right or left....
well...
>>>>>>>yeah it was around 2:30 am or so when the viagra hit my man region and made itself known. i felt a hammering in my butt. like a pounding vise grip tightning. i truly did not think i could get an errection without atleast seeing somebody. seeing a hard cock. maybe stroking my cock a little...
yeah i was a virgin and my cherry was popped...that night.
it went like this...
i'am feeling good. got a few slices. cruising the guys and chatting. guys are checking out my basket...
i see abe directing traffic. camping a little and laughing out loud and since hes on the A-list he can do whatever he pleases...
he spies me and waves me over to the crew he's collecting
then he gives the chesire cat grin - "you take that viagra??"
"yeah my ass aches man -- but so far i haven't popped a rod...
hang on a sec i have to go take a piss..."
i spy the empty parking lot and causually walk over there.
i pull my dick out and the breeze hits it. that was all it took...
A cool 80 something breeze kissed my balls and cooled the heat in my shorts...it felt so fucking good and the fact that i had to take a wicked-ass piss. the relief. ahhhh...
I started getting hard and then began pissing right through my boner - mr. johnson standing straight up wanting to say hello to P-town...
a piss hard-on. piss. ahhhhhh: and to what my wondering eyes would appear??
a guy that looks like he could work in a gas station...he spies my cock. sees me peeing. catches a whiff of my balls and ooozing pre-cum funk in my shorts.
he sees the piss fly into the air between two cars and then hes right behind me - looking over my shoulder. i don't flinch.
he reaches around and grabs my shaft as i piss. breathes down my neck. i exhale and relax. thats his sign. i won't run away and hes invited to do whatever wants. and he does.
"it's a nice one buddy..." he whsipers asking permission and i nod...
he grabs my cock and then in one motion walks around and bends to his kness and sucks the head...
the breeze seems to agree that this is a good thing and tickles my asshole and underneath my balls. gas station boy sure knows how to suck cock...p-town is awesome...
then gas station dude turns away and walks down to the beach, looking over his shoulder. i follow. sielntly and slowly: watching to see where he's going. he goes under a pier and waits. i follow. he drops his pants and bends over and waits. i mount him easily. he's obviously been fucked once or twice tonight. his hole is lubed - ready and willing. i press my hands onto the small of his back and tip toe to get a beter thrust...
hes bigger and taller so we switch position according to the slope of the beach. now he opens his ass cheeks for a more wide open deep thrust. it's perfect. he sways and groans and then jacks his own cock. he has an attitude of service. hes great. he stinks. it's fucking hot. hes hot.
my dick's so hard it hits me in the forhead. the blood pumping. all my muscles hard, throbbing and pouring life into this guy...
the spout was open, ready to gush...and boy it sure did:
clean and clear, no short squirts - it's one long stream. a long stream and thrust that pumps his ass full of my cream...
he rides into the jizz and pushes back snaking his hole around my shaft tighter...
wow.
theres a pause.
"really nice - man"
"i'll see ya later."
"yeah thanks - that was cool..."
>>>>my cock stays hard -
fuck - now what???
i leave the peir area and walk back up to commercial street.
the crowd at spiritus has thinned considerably.
there are sporadic passersby - roaming and looking. two buds on a bench talking quietly. it seems the sexual tension on the street has broken. or, has it simply moved??
walking through the tiny town: the crowd dispersed. my presence on the street becomes obvious and so does the raging boner in my shorts...
guys ride by on the bikes and then slow their speed for a minute. a slow cruise my way...then they see the boner and smile...i turn away.
my fucking balls have to have some downtime to re-fill...or
ah - maybe not...
"so - whats gong on tonight?" i hear behind me. i turn away from the clothing store window and see a guy sitting on a bike and then notice him pinching the head of his dick through his shorts. when he gets a full view of my hot red abercrombie package he extends a hand to touch it...
i relax into his hand. it feels nice.
we sum each other up by a long stare...
does he wanna fuck me?
does he wanna get fucked.
get sucked. suck it. see it. pull it out on the street?
"pull it out man..." he nods. he looks around and then bends over still on his bike, and puts it in his mouth...
then lifts himself up and looks into my eyes.
inhales deeply.
then blows out his breath and licks his lips...
nods a "yes" that he likes it and kneels over again for another taste...
i grab his shorts: inside i can feel his heat: hard and throbbing.
he moans while sucking my cock again and pushes his pelvis toawrd me. i unzip his shorts and a big one pops out.
the guy is about six foot. late twenties. a jock-type. brown hair. brown eyes. a real white boy. handsome. a spy his sexy happy trail as i lift up his shirt...
then he releases his mouth and stands up. winks and say's "i gotta go..."
he rides away into the night quickly...
the gently waft of his crotch still hanging around and i think how great it would have been to get his dick up my ass...
now frustration sets in...and confusion.
the blood is swishing around my head so fast my chest aches. pulse. pulse. pulse. throb. the area behind my balls grips and tightens further. i try to breath.
i can't think. maybe it's time to go home...back to the house...
the more things change: the more they stay the same...
frt lauderdale - palm aire country club
8:30am
hazy-grey, overcast
high 80s - humidity 90%
itch - low
heat - moderate
5/26
levitra schuffle...
>>>abe and i have settled into a routine...
we sleep. hang out. eat and sleep.
abe's condo is in the south complex on the ninth floor.
the highest floor of course.
the kitchen is new: beige marble and ultra-stainless everything.
black plates and appliances. rocks glasses and collins galsses all in a row.
there are two glass tables gracing the main room with metal sculptured bases. plasma screen tv. DVD. cable and WIFI throughout.
a 4 ft X 5 ft black and white art print of the empire state building rests along one wall.
a psuedo ming vase holds a fresh bouquet of flowers.
abe called his florist before we got there obviously.
the sofa: beige, matches the carpet with black checkerboards: resting on the cream colored hand cut marble throughout the main room.
the bedrooms are carpeted. the master bedroom is done in darker greens with a low base bed frame and a rich black duvet.
the guest room, my room, has a four poster bed with nuetral bedding and 600 count white sheets.
accented by soothing, fresly painted creame walls. there is one piece of art hanging in the guest room at the foot of the bed: a tasteful, peaceful painting of a tree...
both bathrooms are marble. abe's is black. mine is beige. both showers have upscale showerheads and baskets of clean-scented soaps...
the entire aura is reminiscent of a well apponited hotel suite in south beach...a well though-out mix of modern and classical styles...
the space ends with a wide-open solarium...
i sit on the solarium/atruim that provides an open view of the golf course.
abe designates this as the "smoking area" since he does not smoke. this is an act of tolerance on his part: that he is willing to give up the sun porch for the week...there is a full length glass slider that gives a feeling of privacy and funnels the smoke out the windows instead of into the main space.
fair enough.
the smoking area is like a small nook - perfect for meditation. it has fourteen small turn crank windows that open all seven at a time....
i snap off a picture of the two rows of them.
i meditiate and smoke. listen to "ohmm naya shivaya" chants which roughly tranlates to: "may god's will be done"
i contemplate the day...
abe has begun to stir in his bedroom: i can tell...
i hear him schuffling around so i send him an e-mail. power-beamed to his lap-top via the wifi in the condo...
"didn't sleep at all...under the lash of the "levitra" from last night...here's an attatchment pic - a nudie shot from naked fratmen.com.
i'm hungry."
>>>>
reply
"i'll take a shower and well get something to eat...see ya in a few."
i ponder what ive learned so far on this trip.
suburban angst is everywhere...
the tenets here seem to have all the trappings of the "american dream" upper middle class. plenty of liesure time and money.
basking in the security and protection of a "members only" country club flanked by gaurds and gates...but they seem miserable, broken down and sad...
perhaps thats just retirement...
once again its drilled home - true happiness comes from within...
take the old bag in shoe box/condo 911, down the hall...
while lookin for the stairwell to the pool, i walked toward her end of the outdoor hallway and then to the end thinking it would reveal a door to the stairs...
it was 2pm. not an hour that would normally cause a panic if someone walked past your door...
her door flings open: "GOT A PROBLEM???" she bellows...
the accent straight out of a Brooklyn delicatessan.
as if she's caught me ??? doing what i don't know...
she startles me but it's no real surprise when i see her high strung eyes.
dyed red hair, late sixties do, wearing a "minniie pearl" special that looks more like a red restaurant table cloth than the slavation army house dress she saunters around in during the afternoons stalking passersby...
"ah -- no problem here - the names dirk..." i hold up the door keys hoping to appease the angry troll i've aroused by disturbing her domicile...
but this doesn't seem to satisfy her...her shoulders hunch and eyes tighten. caught in her trap of sorts, i scan her rack which obviously has no visible tan lines and she seems to like that....
"well," she digresses..."ok."
she obviously hasn't troweled on her face yet and seems to realize this now that i've appealed to her "womanly wiles.."
"wow" - i think to myself..."she must have been such a "babe" back in 1958..." a hot babe for sure...
i have no doubt that theres a picture of her and the prom king somehwere close to her vanity table...
"well...you have a good day now - miss..."
i offer and then smile kinda like christian slater in "heather's"
her claws rescind. door slams closed. she retreats back to her soap operas and personal private hell leaving me free to go to the pool...
i find my way through the endless sprawling complex...
to the elevator which states: "you must be wearing a shirt..."
but doesn't gender specify the rule...
the gate key to the pool doesn't work. so i jimmy up the gate and it opens...i survey the pool area...two large olympic sized swimming pools side by side, adjacent to a clubhouse of sorts:
which contaiins a large cabana covering several tables and chairs, a barbeque "area." male and female changing rooms complete with dry sauna - showers - restrooms and a large room with three wall sized mirrors - had the walls been painted black youd swear you were in a sex club...
ok. the tour is over.
most public areas are designed to invite and include in my estimation and this isn't one of them...
the empty use of space feels cold, alienating and lost. it doesn't flow - seems like an after thought they dumped in the parking lot...not a natural feng shiu, as if to arrrive you at a refreshing pause, like the pools in south beach...where you know a bar is close at hand...
the surrounding low lying fern gardens look sad and wilted...
and reminds me of "lesbians" for some reason and come to think of it - i haven't seen any lesbians since ive been here in ft. lauderdale...
in nyc you always have a few roaming around somewhere in the background -- on a first date...
i decided that one pool has to be heated and the other smaller one is probably cold...I'am correct and choose the heated one first. i snap off picture of it. vacant and empty as it is. perfect.
the perfect definition of angst. a million dollar complex and nobody using it. guilt and angst.
i sit on the ledge of the heated pool and then jump in feet first...the water is perfect. like a bath: i piss in the water just to spite the tenants...thinking:
"they sure don't deserve such a serene and peaceful moment as this..."
therin lies the true tradgedy i'am instructed now to relate to you, concerning "suburbia" and all who reside there:
they claw there way to the top only to "get it all" "have it all" "have everything" and then realize they don't feel worthy...they sit in the house and drink...rarely able to access their feelings they begin to
wonder what the neighboors are up to...
this is called: "happiness." it's obviously in abundance here at palm aire...
I gaze around for the jaccuzzi. there isn't one. the random thought floats through my mind: to have a jaccuzzi would obviously be an endorsment of gay sex and drunken drug taking orgies at midnight...enough said...the sixty-something plannng commsion made sure that hot tubs were banned from the get go...I'am sure of this.
although you can usually find a "therapy pool" for late night liasons which is always - way too hot - to have sex in while sitting in the actual water but it can get your blood moving. you can get a great blow job sitting on the rounded ledge of the pool.
the crack of your ass tickled by the waves of rushing water caused by the thrashing of your legs...
therapy pools are usually cloistered in a pool house or clubhouse behind the main pool area...so they were designed for late night blo jobs and butt - sex in drunken states...after most of the tenets have fallen a sleep.
yeah i've had plenty of bj's in complexes like this all over the world...but here in the "palm aire - country club" i think you'll have to get passed the prying bi-nocculars of "red lady."
i was kinda hoping she'd make an appearance by the pool. mainly because i can't wait to see what kinda of outfit she'd wear...or what she'd look like all "dolled up."
i push my undies and swim trunks down off my butt cheeks and swim around letting my butt feel the air as i do upside down handstands... swim and glide.
I forget my troubles and just be in the moment...
i swim to the ledge - arms propped onto the deck but my body still in the water...i have the random thought:
nothing is incurable - not even suburban angst. not even fern gardens. not even lesbians.
relax.
my work is done by the pool and i decide to go back to the well appointed palace - the gay palace with the smoking atruim on the ninth floor..
i get into the elevator with my shirt on. still wet. still relaxed.
i'am greeted by a 70 something white haired woman in a blue tennis - type ensemble: whoose pushing one of the buttons on the button panel...
i 'am not sure if shes trying to hold the elevator door for me to get inside or push the "closedoor" button to keep me out...
rleax.
she is shaking. is it the alszhiemers or the fear of my presnce???
I'am endeared to her.
random thought: this is what happens to a person here...(in this reality)
full of fear but nothing left to be afraid of...
all my life I've waited for something good to happen to me...
and all my life i was afraid that something bad would happen to me: now it has. i'am not longer afraid...
>>>>>back to blue lady
she makes conversation: "i think the rain has passed now..." she nods her head and smiles. frail and confidant at once...
I smile and respond.
i look toward her like a genlte god...dripping wet from the pool, the levitra haze oozing onto the floor in a puddle...
I look down - hoping - trying - begging god that I don't break into another random errection...
"ah yes maam..." i smile.
testoserone is everywhere.
>>>>>more on: why i love abbot:
>the thing about abbot is he can look at you - then theres a pause, just as he's about to say something judgemental or mean, he tilts his head back away from you and his eyes go blank as he decides against it -- he pours out love to you instead...or maybe he just stops himself from doing some dammage...
that was the look in his eyes last night as he walked toawrd me - seeing me at 3am catching a guilt free smoke in the moon-porch...
how he awoke i will never know. i was careful - tip toeing to the glass sliding door...
lighting the cigarette with ease...
i felt i was going to get away with it but no. this was not mean to be .
"i didn't mean to wake you..."
"i woke up because your psychic energy is so strong..i woke up...because... our connnection is so strong." abe's eyes boyish and sleepy. his lips full. a scruff of hair on his chin highlighted by moonlight. the heat of his fresh masculine body coming toward me...
waering only a pair of boxershorts...
he slids the glass sliding door open and sits on the couch next to me and then without a word falls into my arms. his head lays upon my chest he holds me tight and breathes in deeply and then lets out a sigh. kisses my chest in the very center and then he falls a sleep...
>>>>>>the first night i met abbot:
there is always something in a guys eyes that you recognize upon first glance. be it - love hatred or fear. there is something familiar that draws you in...
abbot and i on occasion take the time to ponder the mystery of how were still friends after all these years...and abbot always insists it was i who put a "hook" into him that he will never recover from:
"well it was i think 15 - 16 years ago - it was pride weekend. you were sitting on a pooltable at the spike bar...and then i saw those eyes.
i walked over and fell under your spell...
then i remember going home with you, being in your apartment. we made love. then i saw a giant, white light emannating from around your head...
then i felt two puncture wounds in my neck...then there was blood everywhere..."
thats very funny abe...
"it was just like "interview with a vampire"...
you were lestat and i was louis, the innocent..."
no doubt.
abe darling. i digress, "it's hardly how i remember it...to my recollection it went something like this...
i saw those bright twinkling eyes. i nodded my head for you to approach me. you did. you moved in between my legs actually and came into my personal space, my animal space immediately. then you gazed at me. a strong confidant gaze i might add and lifted two fingers in front of my nose. then you proceeded to push them into my armpit and take a sample of my funk...(an entire days worth of dancing on the "uncle charlie's" bar parade float...) and then brought the fingers to your nose taking in my man-smell, kinda savoring the perfume of my man-stank...
then you nodded your head and smiled a cheshire cat grin and put the two fingers to my nose and this raised my eyebrows and brought a grin to my face while i said:
"theres more where that came from...my man"
and then we embraced like old lovers from long ago -- then i whsipered: "lets go to my place..." and you said - "ok."
the lightning rod to my heart...
it was so smooth iv'e never forgotten it...i thought this is a guy i'd like to know..."
"I put a spell on you because your mine..."
>>>even though i try - i can't let go...
something in your eyes captured my soul...
and every night i see you in my dreams -
your all i know i can't let go...
>>>>>>>
afternoondream
there is a secret doorway.
i open the door with a key that i have. I seem to know the room. there is no mystery. I peer inside. it's a small hotel type room: like a boarding house. I seem to know where everything is or know the space. i walk past a double bed and step down to a sunken smaller room...
there are duffle bags on the floor. black duffel bags full of weapons: ouzzis and hand pistols. i look through them and then turn around to see one man a sleep in the bed in the upper room. another has just gotten out of bed and is in the bathroom. they are cops on a stake - out.
nothing seems odd or out of the ordinary.
i look out the window into a non-descript city.
I'am sad...
i pick up the ouzzi...and hold it in my hand.
>>>>>>I wake up. i have a light sweat covering my chest and the sheeets.
abe is nowhere to be found. I go downstairs and decide to jump in the cold pool. I'am dazed and not fully awake yet.
there are three older women in the warm pool. I guess they are having a daily "swimm club." they are talking and laughing.
seems like a dream.
there is an older man in a wheel chair grasping for the pay phone and trying to make a call.
"emergency - emergency..." he says into the reciever "the construction crew has cut my phone line...please help me..."
<>
"theres only so much you can learn in one place...
"get ready to jump - are you ready to jump?? get ready to jump... don't ever look back - just take my hand...get ready to - are you ready??
just take my hand.
I stand at the ledge of the cool pool.
I raise my arms and out of my mouth rolls an incantation...
I move my hands over the still water:
"i bless these waters, in the name of jesus, budda, and lord shiva and all who enter..."
i break into a spontaneous ghi cong routine of movement.
god is touching me.
it doesn't make sense.
i feel perfect bliss.
I chant aloud: "all dis-ease in my aura is now de-materializing..."
i fall into the pool and sink to the bottom.
i'am hallucinating. the tension in my body is dissolving. the heat is being re-distributed. I'am being re-birthed.
i have the random thought that the truvada, the vicaden, the lunesta, the ambien, the norivir, reyataz, the ginsing and reishi, et al...
are deeply affecting my mind: my thoughts, my realities. and to think before the hospital, before testing poz: before the meds, my diet was 90% organic...and now this mess - a sesspool of chemicals swirling around my blood each day...
i guess "god" upgraded me to the spiritually advanced category...or shit happens when your ready for it...as they say.
I'am becoming a random - walking stream of concoiusness...re-arranging my phsysical form...
awash in the primordial ooze of thoughts and dreams...
a world of darkness. a world of light. step through the door...and follow me...
I have transcended...
I push myself up from the bottom and bob on the surface of the water.
I hear a quiet applause coming from the other swimming pool.
apparently one the elder swimmers in the swim club demonstrated an underwater hand stand...
>>>>>>>>>>
I return to condo 909.
abe is standing by the couch folding freshly washed clothes.
I walk toward him and begin to help. we share a quiet domestic moment
I hand him the sock that fell on the floor and gaze into his eyes.
it's a pause into eternity. our eternity and history.
as if time has stopped. i feel a rush of love for him. he understands. he's brought me here. paid for everything. tnever once said something like;
"well if i paid for everything you could atleast make your bed..."
you could atleast...pick up your clothes...tip the waiter. promise to pay me back..
smile once in ahile..."
no he never said anything like that. and abe, let me tell you, makes his bed every morning...
this is a healing time for me...i try to breath, my body shakes...
i'am about to break into tears so I tilt my head toward the floor...
my eyes water...
"ya know - red lady's roof came off in the last hurricane..." abe says with a grin...
"i'am surprised she survived." he continues..."can't you just imagine her in that condo the night of the storm?? crying - "somebody help me! SOMEBODY -- "
her red hair flying about...vodka bottle spinning on the floor. her house dress flying up to her waist in the wind...and then the roof begins to break apart..."
<>
"ya know here condo number happens to be 911.."
"one of these days a house is gonna fall on her...I'll get you my pretty...
yeah - I think the hurricane actually came right out of her hair..."
we break into laughter.
>>>>>>>>
jackhammer bar - frt lauderdale
sunday night.
>>>>>>
abe is pushing me to get ready.
he is calling to me from outside the bathroom door.
I'am sitting there, waiting. to see if my diarreha has gone away. it's an unpleasant task. it's a side affect of the meds. but it seems to have left so i stand up and tell abe "i'll be just a minute."
i go to my laptop and sign off from manhunter.com
i realize that i haven't taken my meds for the day --fuck.
i pop the meds: course one and two along with some gingsing and throw on some pants. no shower. no perfume. no primping in the mirror.
no "outfit." i throw on my sunglassses and a white long johns under wear t-shirt. i look like some dirty straight guy from new jersey.
I look like johnny knoxville. i stink...but - it's a smell that (some) guy's can't resist.
smells like dad after the office. smells like a guy who just worked out - fresh and full of testoserone. like a hot load. smells like a healthy body...like a guy...a guy who smokes and works...a guy who can take care of business...no deordorant here. no clogged up pores or zombie-consumer-clone-artificial-perfumed-cover-up. no.
now i'am horny getting i whiff of my own juices...pheromones in high gear.
my funk turns me on. i'am ready to brave the maze of men - the egos and posturing and disco beats -- so we go...
off in the distance; through the windows of the smoking porch a few bolts of lightning strike off...
abe and i look at each other. "lets go.'
>>>>>>
riff of the budda>>>>>
ed by the pool.
a giant banyan tree is behind him.
giving the llusion that its coming out of his head...
"hey jack...jack...he's -- HEY!
"afriad of your own shawdow??"
so -- what'd ya do to yur body??" thats friggin bullshit -
it's friggin bullshit...
once you get plugged into life - it's very complicated...
from the gutter ot the whitehouse...
you don't even know whats going on around you -- do you??
it becomes obvious this guy has materilized as my inner psychosis
my inner budda - my shadow or all three...
listen to the birds - you hear those birds??
there just watching everything...
i look around. i notice there are flowers planted under the cabanya. theres a squirrel running through the garden.
the flowers wern't there two days ago. they stand upright and strong.
jack walks the perimiter of the pool but doens't seem to notice ed calling to him...then i realize he can't hear him...and know he's not going to respond...the pool area takes on a surreal aura..its just me and the budda...who wieghs about one hundred extra pounds: all of it in his stomache...
jack can't see him because hes not there. only exists in my dream state right now - is an angel checking up on me...
ya know i know martial arts...theres alot of stuff about me that people don't know - ya know what i'am saying???
i'am not sure whether to run away or stay: the trheat factor of violence coming out of this guy is about a 7 on a scale of one to ten.
i figure since hes in the water that he can't possibly move fast enough to come towrd me unexpectedly so i wait to see hwat else he will say...
he has facial ticks. and seems to motion with one hand toward his face whisking away bugs or energies...
he has a nerf-football. "are you ready??"
he throws the ball and we play catch. dredging the river of my sense memories of alodlescence...
for an instant i imagine me sitting in my therapists chair back in nyc discussing the fear of sports and the collective memories: the panic it always provokes...here they come in a flood - they all spill out...
the next door neightboor stud - 17 -holding me down. my nose BURIED in his armpit...it smells good.
he's giving me a "snoogy" - rubbing his knuckles on my head until it burned...he holds my head onto his upper chest and we both breathe together and he releases me...then he wraps his arms around me again...
and smell my hair...
c-mon ya wanna play smear the queer??
here -- CATCH THIS??
AH -- FAGGOT!
YOU THROW LIKE A WUSS!
CMON LETS WATCH TV -- he sits on the couch with the tv on.
HE STARTS RUBBING HIS COCK...and smiles. niether apologetic nor aroused...and grabs mine...were in the den, of course...
his mother just went to the store for a minute...
he lays on top of me and kisses me and rubs his hard cock on me...
i feel a burning sensation in my crotch and the blood goes to my dick...
suddenly my mouh is on his dick and iam sucking it...as he pushes it in and out...
there are football trophies everywhere...
he undoes my pants to see if i'am hard and wraps his much bigger hand around my penis...do you like that??
can i suck it --??
i remain terrorfied and speechless but want him to do it -
his mom has returned...
we stop.
that was my first "orgasm"
i turn red all over...my aura is open.
i start to shake...nothing comes out of my dick.
rick smith...
always playing foosball in his den.
i feel in love with him forever...
his mom always left glasses of grape juice for us on the counter...
ed throws the nerf-ball toward me. a perfect catch...
you do any sports?? ed asks.
"no -- ah yoga..."
"what about you?" i return.
i don't go to the gym - too many "pud pullers"...if ya know what i mean..."
then he seems to morph iinto something centered and calm...
and brings his hands to his chest as if in prayer. and blesses the four corners of the universe. or thats my guess...sending out the blessings...
i too become very calm. watching him and wondering what my exit will be like...
ed gets out of the pool and begins to re-arrange the deck chiases and tables and chairs as if everything is now going to be in a new order...
ok. thats my cue to leave.
i pull off my wet trunks with a towel wrapped around my waist - with an eye on him...
5/22/o6
abbot westend calls.
he asks me to come up to cape cod to his condo in province town.
i say "yes."
I make arrangements to take the train to boston and then the two hour boat ride to p-town...
a rush of memories come back...
where do i begin to tell you about abe???
abbot never stays in one place very long. unlimited lines of credit,
too much cash and his need for a constant sense of movement dictates that he jump around from resort to resort, dropping wads of cash and taking along his friends most of the time...always moving always looking for something...
i never know where to find him.
abbot usually calls me once a year to ask me up to his condo share for the summer when his usual bevy of boys runs thin...or he needs a sane, sober voice around to pull him back to reality...
he calls when he needs someone to nurse him back to health and cook for him.
>>>>>>>>abbot marcus westend (westend financial) the third...
harvard business school / yale law school. perfect hair. perfect eyes. perfect body. perfect dick...perfectly lonely.
i was in cape cod no longer than four days when he announced that we were leaving for fort lauderdale.
all exspences paid...hed taken care of the plane tickets and all i had to do was pack and get on the plane...
somewhere bewtween the layover in charlotte: which was 45 minutes or just enough time to grab two quick smokes in the terminal bar and a cranbery-seltzer and watch the yankees cream the red sox on ESPN.
or maybe - it was watching abe enquire and the terminal counter whether the two of us could change the seating assignments and sit toghether...
examining the suave, relaxed and confidant way he approached the flight attendant and waited for an answer or the smooth words that formed from his lips:
"thats fine..." that i warmed to him again and yes fell in love all over with the poor little rich boy from conneticut...
you could see the look on people's face when abbot aprroached them
as if they'd just been smitten or bitten by his spell...
intoxicated by his manners and powerful grace...
he reeked of money, privelgedge and class...
his crisp blue eyes and boyish prep school hair cut let you know he's used to getting what he desires...
at times cocksure and then at others a pain would show in his eyes that said - "I'am just like you..."
abe's desire to flirt and seduce everyone that came along his path was pathalogical. he needed a constant influx of love coming his way and he needed to know that he could return that love likewise in the form of gifts, attention or time spent together...
although he was madly in love with mathers bradley - (his current infatuation) who he'd take a fist in the eye from and then return to him to receieve more of his (alcoholic) wrath or his mind blowing messages or another ride on his throbbing perfect cock -- or even a combination of all three -
abe would do all this to court love to his favor and
-as usual he was coming up short.
abbot carries around some vague illusive goal of giving himself over to the one perfect mix of rommance, soulmate and partner.
through the years abe had trotted the globe looking for the one guy he could stay with and partner with...
it was somewhere in the airport when our eyes met again as if to greet one another for the first time in years:
when he lifted the plastic white spoon from his lips - re-dipped it back into the styrofoam cup full of vanilla and chocolate ice cream that hed bought while i was in the bar and then pushed it gently toward my own lips without a word...nodding:
"this bites for you dirk..." he grins...
the crowd of holiday travelers surrounding us hardly took notice of the coy gesture of flirting bewteen our bodies...
abes movements, the way his slid the creamy melting treat into my mouth - held me close with his eyes and then winked - all seemed so natural that even if someone had been paying attention they simply would have seen two close friends or guys in love...
an obvious pair of buddies or lovers: a closeness that belied old friends after years of unanswered questions and still a mystery of warmth...and tenderness.
abe smiled dipped the spoon straight up into the ice cream and then moved forward to re-board the plane...quickly pulling away as if in another second wed break into a long rommantic kiss...
his lips close to mine. our eyes locked, he came into my heart and then turned away...assured that i could still love him: that the fires inside still burned for him...he was satisfied and ready to move once more.
having re-inserting the heart strings again successfully and re-kindled the old flame between us he pulled out his boarding pass and looked back toward me to make sure i was behind him...
"ready?"
he nodded his head...but didn't meet my gaze...just noted the return nod of my chin. my face a little flushed as if daddy was in control of everything...i relaxed and moved in behind him wanting to take his hand...
before he moved into the line proper, i took the oppurtunity to respond to our rolling continuing dialougue that began so manyy years ago but never seemed to form into a conclusion feelings...
at some very odd times through the 15 years of knowing each other abe never missed the chance to remind me:
"ya know i'll always be in love with you..."
which he re-iterated yesterday in p-town after announcing-confessing that he got fucked twice by brad mathers an hour ago - that we were going to leave the cape and travel to his condo in florida and that he'd take care of everything...
"ya know...it was so many years ago...but you were the first..." his eyes tilt reflectively.
i grin at this tete-a-tete...
"it was you dirk...." and you know it...
it was here standing in line to re-board that i whsipered over his shoulder toward him - just loud enough for the other passengers to hear...
"you know abe...I've always been in love you..."
he grins.
>>>>>abe is the yang to my yin.
and likewise I'am the yin to feed his yang.
you always put a guy like me with a guy like abe.
abe: forever trying to escape the superficialities of the material world; almost locked inside of it and always asking..."is there more??"
he wants to transced.
likewise
i'am the dark mystical. the amorphous, mercurial shade of things unseen.
forever trying to understand the material world and it's odd necessities. focused on how it all feels rather than how it looks...
i'am looking to ground to an earth inside of myself.
abe understand how things work "outside."
i'am familair with the internal landscapes of feeling and spirit.
two halves seeking a whole static balance...
abe's orientation is about winning and competing and being active.
my orientation is about experiencing, being, and waiting...
abe is the day...
I'am the night...
his life chant is: "get all your ducks in a row..."
mine is: "hell's bells..."
you get the idea.
>>>>>>>>>>five days ago --
I got the call from abbot.
"please come up here..."
"abe - i just got out of the hospital..."
well...do you think you can get on the train?"
abe snaps off the latest hiv news from his travels in florida, boston and province town...
"soon there'll be only one pill. you can buy HGH human growth hormone on the black market in miami...brads on it - beefed him right up again...
down in puerto vahartta, its a different story...welcome to the club, by the way....you sure took your sweet time..."
"it's time for your annual p-town trip and the house this year is nice. not that "lesbian shack" we had last year..."
>>>the one with the moldy basement and dried flowers in clay pots: not to mention the collection of lighthouse statues from around the world...>>>
"oh - right - i agree - yeah that place was a trip..."
although i did get fucked real nice in that basement in the early AM two years ago...i also got a nasal infection from the mold...
summer 1992 -
it was my first night in p-town. abe brings me to the house. then gets ready to go out. the bars close at 2am. it's a big rush to get to
"last call."
i was trying to gauge the streets and my bearings so i could find my way back later that night. p--town is not on a grid system, mind you. it sprawls out around a bay. the lesbian house was four streets back and to the left off the main drag of "commercial street."
if you didn't know where you were going it would take a few days to learn the route back...
my first trek out into town was around midnight. on a bike: no street signs. no markers to recognize.
abe spouts off -- while riding his bike about a block ahead of me :
"oh it's real simple...you just turn here - go up to this block - make a left blah, blah, blah...ok i'am late - gotta meet blah, blah, blah...." he hands me a viagra and scoots off into the dark on his bike. "have fun."
>>>well.
that night i was wearing crimson red abercrombie swim trunks. nylon. they show every line and bulge... cuts your ass real nice and gives you the heavy, weighty look that your carrying a well hung piece inside there...just waiting to come out and play...
i was also wearing a plain white t-shirt and some sandals.
>>>>>
the first time you take viagra you probably shouldn't do it at one am in an all gay resort town when the bars close at two am.
the gay road less traveled. lead me to a parking lot off the main drag, near "spiritus pizza."
for those of you who have never had the pleasure of getting "a share" for the summer in p-town: heres the low-down: theres three gay bars.
about a hundred drag queens line the five blocks of the main street of a tiny fishing villiage...
back in the day...it was a writers colony and refuge for painters and other assorted artists...they started inviting their friends, no one else would go there, and as the story goes, they told two friends and so on and so on...and by the 70s p-town was known all over the world as the gayest resort town in the world...
and still no one else would travel there...however loads of tour busses of hetero tourists would inevitably descend upon p-town in the late ninities visrtually destorying the towns identity and homogenizing everything into a string of t-shirts shops with sarcastic yet nebulous logos.
the eighties were the hey-day. all hot fags and no tourists:
beefed up muscled daddies cavorted openly with their twinks, the bears, the lesbians, the leather crowd, the families: the gay ones, all claimed a calender week to celebrate their particulair niche in the queer community. although i've never heard of "drag queen" week probably because every week is drag quen week in p-town...
and what a sight it was the first time i went there invited by abe to his house of gay characters during the reign of gay terror....
the fourth of july weekend...
the stories from that time 1992 perhaps will have to wait for now...
it was quite a dichotomy seeing a lonely quiet fishing town with no corporate outlets mind you: just small curio shops, antiques and queer card shops. lobster pots a boil. fried shrimps and ice creams on the peir
and in the east end - around fifty to 75 art galleries each showcasing a particulair artist... type of art or handicraft.
the gallery openings alone could keep you busy for months.
there are several three star restaurants. a large population of year round residents dominated by the boston boys A-list of abercrombie stock-broker models with perfect pecs, those boston pecs--
alot of porn stars, comics and well some more drag queens...
mix it all up and youve got p-town in june...
the streets are really quiet at night. its not a big party town--run through the streets kind of place like key west.
its more low key.
you get wickedly wasted in the bars. take most of your drugs before or after in your guest house or bedroom of your share for the summer...
when you leave the bar - be cool and reserved....and then head for "spiritus pizza" the only establishment that stays open until 4am.
heres the place to pose and cruise and act out - a little...but not over the top...because your in public its enough that your queer and holding holds and kissing or showing afffection and not hiding who you are....
to be loud and obnoxious at 2am would be to break some strange code that the boston guys set up along time ago...
go to spiritus pizza - get two slices - stand in line- which snakes out the door, by the time you get served you will have seen all the hotties and can take your pick...
guys pair off and the crowd thins. theres always a few older guys haging around talking about this or that...off to the right or left....
well...
>>>>>>>yeah it was around 2:30 am or so when the viagra hit my man region and made itself known. i felt a hammering in my butt. like a pounding vise grip tightning. i truly did not think i could get an errection without atleast seeing somebody. seeing a hard cock. maybe stroking my cock a little...
yeah i was a virgin and my cherry was popped...that night.
it went like this...
i'am feeling good. got a few slices. cruising the guys and chatting. guys are checking out my basket...
i see abe directing traffic. camping a little and laughing out loud and since hes on the A-list he can do whatever he pleases...
he spies me and waves me over to the crew he's collecting
then he gives the chesire cat grin - "you take that viagra??"
"yeah my ass aches man -- but so far i haven't popped a rod...
hang on a sec i have to go take a piss..."
i spy the empty parking lot and causually walk over there.
i pull my dick out and the breeze hits it. that was all it took...
A cool 80 something breeze kissed my balls and cooled the heat in my shorts...it felt so fucking good and the fact that i had to take a wicked-ass piss. the relief. ahhhh...
I started getting hard and then began pissing right through my boner - mr. johnson standing straight up wanting to say hello to P-town...
a piss hard-on. piss. ahhhhhh: and to what my wondering eyes would appear??
a guy that looks like he could work in a gas station...he spies my cock. sees me peeing. catches a whiff of my balls and ooozing pre-cum funk in my shorts.
he sees the piss fly into the air between two cars and then hes right behind me - looking over my shoulder. i don't flinch.
he reaches around and grabs my shaft as i piss. breathes down my neck. i exhale and relax. thats his sign. i won't run away and hes invited to do whatever wants. and he does.
"it's a nice one buddy..." he whsipers asking permission and i nod...
he grabs my cock and then in one motion walks around and bends to his kness and sucks the head...
the breeze seems to agree that this is a good thing and tickles my asshole and underneath my balls. gas station boy sure knows how to suck cock...p-town is awesome...
then gas station dude turns away and walks down to the beach, looking over his shoulder. i follow. sielntly and slowly: watching to see where he's going. he goes under a pier and waits. i follow. he drops his pants and bends over and waits. i mount him easily. he's obviously been fucked once or twice tonight. his hole is lubed - ready and willing. i press my hands onto the small of his back and tip toe to get a beter thrust...
hes bigger and taller so we switch position according to the slope of the beach. now he opens his ass cheeks for a more wide open deep thrust. it's perfect. he sways and groans and then jacks his own cock. he has an attitude of service. hes great. he stinks. it's fucking hot. hes hot.
my dick's so hard it hits me in the forhead. the blood pumping. all my muscles hard, throbbing and pouring life into this guy...
the spout was open, ready to gush...and boy it sure did:
clean and clear, no short squirts - it's one long stream. a long stream and thrust that pumps his ass full of my cream...
he rides into the jizz and pushes back snaking his hole around my shaft tighter...
wow.
theres a pause.
"really nice - man"
"i'll see ya later."
"yeah thanks - that was cool..."
>>>>my cock stays hard -
fuck - now what???
i leave the peir area and walk back up to commercial street.
the crowd at spiritus has thinned considerably.
there are sporadic passersby - roaming and looking. two buds on a bench talking quietly. it seems the sexual tension on the street has broken. or, has it simply moved??
walking through the tiny town: the crowd dispersed. my presence on the street becomes obvious and so does the raging boner in my shorts...
guys ride by on the bikes and then slow their speed for a minute. a slow cruise my way...then they see the boner and smile...i turn away.
my fucking balls have to have some downtime to re-fill...or
ah - maybe not...
"so - whats gong on tonight?" i hear behind me. i turn away from the clothing store window and see a guy sitting on a bike and then notice him pinching the head of his dick through his shorts. when he gets a full view of my hot red abercrombie package he extends a hand to touch it...
i relax into his hand. it feels nice.
we sum each other up by a long stare...
does he wanna fuck me?
does he wanna get fucked.
get sucked. suck it. see it. pull it out on the street?
"pull it out man..." he nods. he looks around and then bends over still on his bike, and puts it in his mouth...
then lifts himself up and looks into my eyes.
inhales deeply.
then blows out his breath and licks his lips...
nods a "yes" that he likes it and kneels over again for another taste...
i grab his shorts: inside i can feel his heat: hard and throbbing.
he moans while sucking my cock again and pushes his pelvis toawrd me. i unzip his shorts and a big one pops out.
the guy is about six foot. late twenties. a jock-type. brown hair. brown eyes. a real white boy. handsome. a spy his sexy happy trail as i lift up his shirt...
then he releases his mouth and stands up. winks and say's "i gotta go..."
he rides away into the night quickly...
the gently waft of his crotch still hanging around and i think how great it would have been to get his dick up my ass...
now frustration sets in...and confusion.
the blood is swishing around my head so fast my chest aches. pulse. pulse. pulse. throb. the area behind my balls grips and tightens further. i try to breath.
i can't think. maybe it's time to go home...back to the house...
the more things change: the more they stay the same...
frt lauderdale - palm aire country club
8:30am
hazy-grey, overcast
high 80s - humidity 90%
itch - low
heat - moderate
5/26
levitra schuffle...
>>>abe and i have settled into a routine...
we sleep. hang out. eat and sleep.
abe's condo is in the south complex on the ninth floor.
the highest floor of course.
the kitchen is new: beige marble and ultra-stainless everything.
black plates and appliances. rocks glasses and collins galsses all in a row.
there are two glass tables gracing the main room with metal sculptured bases. plasma screen tv. DVD. cable and WIFI throughout.
a 4 ft X 5 ft black and white art print of the empire state building rests along one wall.
a psuedo ming vase holds a fresh bouquet of flowers.
abe called his florist before we got there obviously.
the sofa: beige, matches the carpet with black checkerboards: resting on the cream colored hand cut marble throughout the main room.
the bedrooms are carpeted. the master bedroom is done in darker greens with a low base bed frame and a rich black duvet.
the guest room, my room, has a four poster bed with nuetral bedding and 600 count white sheets.
accented by soothing, fresly painted creame walls. there is one piece of art hanging in the guest room at the foot of the bed: a tasteful, peaceful painting of a tree...
both bathrooms are marble. abe's is black. mine is beige. both showers have upscale showerheads and baskets of clean-scented soaps...
the entire aura is reminiscent of a well apponited hotel suite in south beach...a well though-out mix of modern and classical styles...
the space ends with a wide-open solarium...
i sit on the solarium/atruim that provides an open view of the golf course.
abe designates this as the "smoking area" since he does not smoke. this is an act of tolerance on his part: that he is willing to give up the sun porch for the week...there is a full length glass slider that gives a feeling of privacy and funnels the smoke out the windows instead of into the main space.
fair enough.
the smoking area is like a small nook - perfect for meditation. it has fourteen small turn crank windows that open all seven at a time....
i snap off a picture of the two rows of them.
i meditiate and smoke. listen to "ohmm naya shivaya" chants which roughly tranlates to: "may god's will be done"
i contemplate the day...
abe has begun to stir in his bedroom: i can tell...
i hear him schuffling around so i send him an e-mail. power-beamed to his lap-top via the wifi in the condo...
"didn't sleep at all...under the lash of the "levitra" from last night...here's an attatchment pic - a nudie shot from naked fratmen.com.
i'm hungry."
>>>>
reply
"i'll take a shower and well get something to eat...see ya in a few."
i ponder what ive learned so far on this trip.
suburban angst is everywhere...
the tenets here seem to have all the trappings of the "american dream" upper middle class. plenty of liesure time and money.
basking in the security and protection of a "members only" country club flanked by gaurds and gates...but they seem miserable, broken down and sad...
perhaps thats just retirement...
once again its drilled home - true happiness comes from within...
take the old bag in shoe box/condo 911, down the hall...
while lookin for the stairwell to the pool, i walked toward her end of the outdoor hallway and then to the end thinking it would reveal a door to the stairs...
it was 2pm. not an hour that would normally cause a panic if someone walked past your door...
her door flings open: "GOT A PROBLEM???" she bellows...
the accent straight out of a Brooklyn delicatessan.
as if she's caught me ??? doing what i don't know...
she startles me but it's no real surprise when i see her high strung eyes.
dyed red hair, late sixties do, wearing a "minniie pearl" special that looks more like a red restaurant table cloth than the slavation army house dress she saunters around in during the afternoons stalking passersby...
"ah -- no problem here - the names dirk..." i hold up the door keys hoping to appease the angry troll i've aroused by disturbing her domicile...
but this doesn't seem to satisfy her...her shoulders hunch and eyes tighten. caught in her trap of sorts, i scan her rack which obviously has no visible tan lines and she seems to like that....
"well," she digresses..."ok."
she obviously hasn't troweled on her face yet and seems to realize this now that i've appealed to her "womanly wiles.."
"wow" - i think to myself..."she must have been such a "babe" back in 1958..." a hot babe for sure...
i have no doubt that theres a picture of her and the prom king somehwere close to her vanity table...
"well...you have a good day now - miss..."
i offer and then smile kinda like christian slater in "heather's"
her claws rescind. door slams closed. she retreats back to her soap operas and personal private hell leaving me free to go to the pool...
i find my way through the endless sprawling complex...
to the elevator which states: "you must be wearing a shirt..."
but doesn't gender specify the rule...
the gate key to the pool doesn't work. so i jimmy up the gate and it opens...i survey the pool area...two large olympic sized swimming pools side by side, adjacent to a clubhouse of sorts:
which contaiins a large cabana covering several tables and chairs, a barbeque "area." male and female changing rooms complete with dry sauna - showers - restrooms and a large room with three wall sized mirrors - had the walls been painted black youd swear you were in a sex club...
ok. the tour is over.
most public areas are designed to invite and include in my estimation and this isn't one of them...
the empty use of space feels cold, alienating and lost. it doesn't flow - seems like an after thought they dumped in the parking lot...not a natural feng shiu, as if to arrrive you at a refreshing pause, like the pools in south beach...where you know a bar is close at hand...
the surrounding low lying fern gardens look sad and wilted...
and reminds me of "lesbians" for some reason and come to think of it - i haven't seen any lesbians since ive been here in ft. lauderdale...
in nyc you always have a few roaming around somewhere in the background -- on a first date...
i decided that one pool has to be heated and the other smaller one is probably cold...I'am correct and choose the heated one first. i snap off picture of it. vacant and empty as it is. perfect.
the perfect definition of angst. a million dollar complex and nobody using it. guilt and angst.
i sit on the ledge of the heated pool and then jump in feet first...the water is perfect. like a bath: i piss in the water just to spite the tenants...thinking:
"they sure don't deserve such a serene and peaceful moment as this..."
therin lies the true tradgedy i'am instructed now to relate to you, concerning "suburbia" and all who reside there:
they claw there way to the top only to "get it all" "have it all" "have everything" and then realize they don't feel worthy...they sit in the house and drink...rarely able to access their feelings they begin to
wonder what the neighboors are up to...
this is called: "happiness." it's obviously in abundance here at palm aire...
I gaze around for the jaccuzzi. there isn't one. the random thought floats through my mind: to have a jaccuzzi would obviously be an endorsment of gay sex and drunken drug taking orgies at midnight...enough said...the sixty-something plannng commsion made sure that hot tubs were banned from the get go...I'am sure of this.
although you can usually find a "therapy pool" for late night liasons which is always - way too hot - to have sex in while sitting in the actual water but it can get your blood moving. you can get a great blow job sitting on the rounded ledge of the pool.
the crack of your ass tickled by the waves of rushing water caused by the thrashing of your legs...
therapy pools are usually cloistered in a pool house or clubhouse behind the main pool area...so they were designed for late night blo jobs and butt - sex in drunken states...after most of the tenets have fallen a sleep.
yeah i've had plenty of bj's in complexes like this all over the world...but here in the "palm aire - country club" i think you'll have to get passed the prying bi-nocculars of "red lady."
i was kinda hoping she'd make an appearance by the pool. mainly because i can't wait to see what kinda of outfit she'd wear...or what she'd look like all "dolled up."
i push my undies and swim trunks down off my butt cheeks and swim around letting my butt feel the air as i do upside down handstands... swim and glide.
I forget my troubles and just be in the moment...
i swim to the ledge - arms propped onto the deck but my body still in the water...i have the random thought:
nothing is incurable - not even suburban angst. not even fern gardens. not even lesbians.
relax.
my work is done by the pool and i decide to go back to the well appointed palace - the gay palace with the smoking atruim on the ninth floor..
i get into the elevator with my shirt on. still wet. still relaxed.
i'am greeted by a 70 something white haired woman in a blue tennis - type ensemble: whoose pushing one of the buttons on the button panel...
i 'am not sure if shes trying to hold the elevator door for me to get inside or push the "closedoor" button to keep me out...
rleax.
she is shaking. is it the alszhiemers or the fear of my presnce???
I'am endeared to her.
random thought: this is what happens to a person here...(in this reality)
full of fear but nothing left to be afraid of...
all my life I've waited for something good to happen to me...
and all my life i was afraid that something bad would happen to me: now it has. i'am not longer afraid...
>>>>>back to blue lady
she makes conversation: "i think the rain has passed now..." she nods her head and smiles. frail and confidant at once...
I smile and respond.
i look toward her like a genlte god...dripping wet from the pool, the levitra haze oozing onto the floor in a puddle...
I look down - hoping - trying - begging god that I don't break into another random errection...
"ah yes maam..." i smile.
testoserone is everywhere.
>>>>>more on: why i love abbot:
>the thing about abbot is he can look at you - then theres a pause, just as he's about to say something judgemental or mean, he tilts his head back away from you and his eyes go blank as he decides against it -- he pours out love to you instead...or maybe he just stops himself from doing some dammage...
that was the look in his eyes last night as he walked toawrd me - seeing me at 3am catching a guilt free smoke in the moon-porch...
how he awoke i will never know. i was careful - tip toeing to the glass sliding door...
lighting the cigarette with ease...
i felt i was going to get away with it but no. this was not mean to be .
"i didn't mean to wake you..."
"i woke up because your psychic energy is so strong..i woke up...because... our connnection is so strong." abe's eyes boyish and sleepy. his lips full. a scruff of hair on his chin highlighted by moonlight. the heat of his fresh masculine body coming toward me...
waering only a pair of boxershorts...
he slids the glass sliding door open and sits on the couch next to me and then without a word falls into my arms. his head lays upon my chest he holds me tight and breathes in deeply and then lets out a sigh. kisses my chest in the very center and then he falls a sleep...
>>>>>>the first night i met abbot:
there is always something in a guys eyes that you recognize upon first glance. be it - love hatred or fear. there is something familiar that draws you in...
abbot and i on occasion take the time to ponder the mystery of how were still friends after all these years...and abbot always insists it was i who put a "hook" into him that he will never recover from:
"well it was i think 15 - 16 years ago - it was pride weekend. you were sitting on a pooltable at the spike bar...and then i saw those eyes.
i walked over and fell under your spell...
then i remember going home with you, being in your apartment. we made love. then i saw a giant, white light emannating from around your head...
then i felt two puncture wounds in my neck...then there was blood everywhere..."
thats very funny abe...
"it was just like "interview with a vampire"...
you were lestat and i was louis, the innocent..."
no doubt.
abe darling. i digress, "it's hardly how i remember it...to my recollection it went something like this...
i saw those bright twinkling eyes. i nodded my head for you to approach me. you did. you moved in between my legs actually and came into my personal space, my animal space immediately. then you gazed at me. a strong confidant gaze i might add and lifted two fingers in front of my nose. then you proceeded to push them into my armpit and take a sample of my funk...(an entire days worth of dancing on the "uncle charlie's" bar parade float...) and then brought the fingers to your nose taking in my man-smell, kinda savoring the perfume of my man-stank...
then you nodded your head and smiled a cheshire cat grin and put the two fingers to my nose and this raised my eyebrows and brought a grin to my face while i said:
"theres more where that came from...my man"
and then we embraced like old lovers from long ago -- then i whsipered: "lets go to my place..." and you said - "ok."
the lightning rod to my heart...
it was so smooth iv'e never forgotten it...i thought this is a guy i'd like to know..."
"I put a spell on you because your mine..."
>>>even though i try - i can't let go...
something in your eyes captured my soul...
and every night i see you in my dreams -
your all i know i can't let go...
>>>>>>>
afternoon
there is a secret doorway.
i open the door with a key that i have. I seem to know the room. there is no mystery. I peer inside. it's a small hotel type room: like a boarding house. I seem to know where everything is or know the space. i walk past a double bed and step down to a sunken smaller room...
there are duffle bags on the floor. black duffel bags full of weapons: ouzzis and hand pistols. i look through them and then turn around to see one man a sleep in the bed in the upper room. another has just gotten out of bed and is in the bathroom. they are cops on a stake - out.
nothing seems odd or out of the ordinary.
i look out the window into a non-descript city.
I'am sad...
i pick up the ouzzi...and hold it in my hand.
>>>>>>I wake up. i have a light sweat covering my chest and the sheeets.
abe is nowhere to be found. I go downstairs and decide to jump in the cold pool. I'am dazed and not fully awake yet.
there are three older women in the warm pool. I guess they are having a daily "swimm club." they are talking and laughing.
seems like a dream.
there is an older man in a wheel chair grasping for the pay phone and trying to make a call.
"emergency - emergency..." he says into the reciever "the construction crew has cut my phone line...please help me..."
<
"theres only so much you can learn in one place...
"get ready to jump - are you ready to jump?? get ready to jump... don't ever look back - just take my hand...get ready to - are you ready??
just take my hand.
I stand at the ledge of the cool pool.
I raise my arms and out of my mouth rolls an incantation...
I move my hands over the still water:
"i bless these waters, in the name of jesus, budda, and lord shiva and all who enter..."
i break into a spontaneous ghi cong routine of movement.
god is touching me.
it doesn't make sense.
i feel perfect bliss.
I chant aloud: "all dis-ease in my aura is now de-materializing..."
i fall into the pool and sink to the bottom.
i'am hallucinating. the tension in my body is dissolving. the heat is being re-distributed. I'am being re-birthed.
i have the random thought that the truvada, the vicaden, the lunesta, the ambien, the norivir, reyataz, the ginsing and reishi, et al...
are deeply affecting my mind: my thoughts, my realities. and to think before the hospital, before testing poz: before the meds, my diet was 90% organic...and now this mess - a sesspool of chemicals swirling around my blood each day...
i guess "god" upgraded me to the spiritually advanced category...or shit happens when your ready for it...as they say.
I'am becoming a random - walking stream of concoiusness...re-arranging my phsysical form...
awash in the primordial ooze of thoughts and dreams...
a world of darkness. a world of light. step through the door...and follow me...
I have transcended...
I push myself up from the bottom and bob on the surface of the water.
I hear a quiet applause coming from the other swimming pool.
apparently one the elder swimmers in the swim club demonstrated an underwater hand stand...
>>>>>>>>>>
I return to condo 909.
abe is standing by the couch folding freshly washed clothes.
I walk toward him and begin to help. we share a quiet domestic moment
I hand him the sock that fell on the floor and gaze into his eyes.
it's a pause into eternity. our eternity and history.
as if time has stopped. i feel a rush of love for him. he understands. he's brought me here. paid for everything. tnever once said something like;
"well if i paid for everything you could atleast make your bed..."
you could atleast...pick up your clothes...tip the waiter. promise to pay me back..
smile once in ahile..."
no he never said anything like that. and abe, let me tell you, makes his bed every morning...
this is a healing time for me...i try to breath, my body shakes...
i'am about to break into tears so I tilt my head toward the floor...
my eyes water...
"ya know - red lady's roof came off in the last hurricane..." abe says with a grin...
"i'am surprised she survived." he continues..."can't you just imagine her in that condo the night of the storm?? crying - "somebody help me! SOMEBODY -- "
her red hair flying about...vodka bottle spinning on the floor. her house dress flying up to her waist in the wind...and then the roof begins to break apart..."
<
"ya know here condo number happens to be 911.."
"one of these days a house is gonna fall on her...I'll get you my pretty...
yeah - I think the hurricane actually came right out of her hair..."
we break into laughter.
>>>>>>>>
jackhammer bar - frt lauderdale
sunday night.
>>>>>>
abe is pushing me to get ready.
he is calling to me from outside the bathroom door.
I'am sitting there, waiting. to see if my diarreha has gone away. it's an unpleasant task. it's a side affect of the meds. but it seems to have left so i stand up and tell abe "i'll be just a minute."
i go to my laptop and sign off from manhunter.com
i realize that i haven't taken my meds for the day --fuck.
i pop the meds: course one and two along with some gingsing and throw on some pants. no shower. no perfume. no primping in the mirror.
no "outfit." i throw on my sunglassses and a white long johns under wear t-shirt. i look like some dirty straight guy from new jersey.
I look like johnny knoxville. i stink...but - it's a smell that (some) guy's can't resist.
smells like dad after the office. smells like a guy who just worked out - fresh and full of testoserone. like a hot load. smells like a healthy body...like a guy...a guy who smokes and works...a guy who can take care of business...no deordorant here. no clogged up pores or zombie-consumer-clone-artificial-perfumed-cover-up. no.
now i'am horny getting i whiff of my own juices...pheromones in high gear.
my funk turns me on. i'am ready to brave the maze of men - the egos and posturing and disco beats -- so we go...
off in the distance; through the windows of the smoking porch a few bolts of lightning strike off...
abe and i look at each other. "lets go.'
>>>>>>
riff of the budda>>>>>
ed by the pool.
a giant banyan tree is behind him.
giving the llusion that its coming out of his head...
"hey jack...jack...he's -- HEY!
"afriad of your own shawdow??"
so -- what'd ya do to yur body??" thats friggin bullshit -
it's friggin bullshit...
once you get plugged into life - it's very complicated...
from the gutter ot the whitehouse...
you don't even know whats going on around you -- do you??
it becomes obvious this guy has materilized as my inner psychosis
my inner budda - my shadow or all three...
listen to the birds - you hear those birds??
there just watching everything...
i look around. i notice there are flowers planted under the cabanya. theres a squirrel running through the garden.
the flowers wern't there two days ago. they stand upright and strong.
jack walks the perimiter of the pool but doens't seem to notice ed calling to him...then i realize he can't hear him...and know he's not going to respond...the pool area takes on a surreal aura..its just me and the budda...who wieghs about one hundred extra pounds: all of it in his stomache...
jack can't see him because hes not there. only exists in my dream state right now - is an angel checking up on me...
ya know i know martial arts...theres alot of stuff about me that people don't know - ya know what i'am saying???
i'am not sure whether to run away or stay: the trheat factor of violence coming out of this guy is about a 7 on a scale of one to ten.
i figure since hes in the water that he can't possibly move fast enough to come towrd me unexpectedly so i wait to see hwat else he will say...
he has facial ticks. and seems to motion with one hand toward his face whisking away bugs or energies...
he has a nerf-football. "are you ready??"
he throws the ball and we play catch. dredging the river of my sense memories of alodlescence...
for an instant i imagine me sitting in my therapists chair back in nyc discussing the fear of sports and the collective memories: the panic it always provokes...here they come in a flood - they all spill out...
the next door neightboor stud - 17 -holding me down. my nose BURIED in his armpit...it smells good.
he's giving me a "snoogy" - rubbing his knuckles on my head until it burned...he holds my head onto his upper chest and we both breathe together and he releases me...then he wraps his arms around me again...
and smell my hair...
c-mon ya wanna play smear the queer??
here -- CATCH THIS??
AH -- FAGGOT!
YOU THROW LIKE A WUSS!
CMON LETS WATCH TV -- he sits on the couch with the tv on.
HE STARTS RUBBING HIS COCK...and smiles. niether apologetic nor aroused...and grabs mine...were in the den, of course...
his mother just went to the store for a minute...
he lays on top of me and kisses me and rubs his hard cock on me...
i feel a burning sensation in my crotch and the blood goes to my dick...
suddenly my mouh is on his dick and iam sucking it...as he pushes it in and out...
there are football trophies everywhere...
he undoes my pants to see if i'am hard and wraps his much bigger hand around my penis...do you like that??
can i suck it --??
i remain terrorfied and speechless but want him to do it -
his mom has returned...
we stop.
that was my first "orgasm"
i turn red all over...my aura is open.
i start to shake...nothing comes out of my dick.
rick smith...
always playing foosball in his den.
i feel in love with him forever...
his mom always left glasses of grape juice for us on the counter...
ed throws the nerf-ball toward me. a perfect catch...
you do any sports?? ed asks.
"no -- ah yoga..."
"what about you?" i return.
i don't go to the gym - too many "pud pullers"...if ya know what i mean..."
then he seems to morph iinto something centered and calm...
and brings his hands to his chest as if in prayer. and blesses the four corners of the universe. or thats my guess...sending out the blessings...
i too become very calm. watching him and wondering what my exit will be like...
ed gets out of the pool and begins to re-arrange the deck chiases and tables and chairs as if everything is now going to be in a new order...
ok. thats my cue to leave.
i pull off my wet trunks with a towel wrapped around my waist - with an eye on him...
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Charles Upper east side...
October 28, 2006 - Saturday
dark night - adults only -- charles -- upper east side -- sex and death -- thunder and lightning 5:55 PM - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove - |
artistic 
more - more - more...Seanblog from SEanbateman9
January 23, 2008 - Wednesday
seanB Blog -- more..more for you.... >>tell me about ur dreams Seany boy... |
kundalini rising....date unknown
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
rambling diary/sex blog-journal something....
sept 05
covered in demons
solace
no more
night of winter
heat peeling skin
reticence transformed
>>>>>>>>>>
kundalini rising part two
by Sean Bateman
the time is 225am
january 27 06
>>>I swore I gave up my writing -
exasperated, in greif and so buried undeniably in my own pity and sex addiction I gently refused the call to sit at my lap top and journal my thoughts and feelings -
the last three-maybe four years have been awash in fantasies of ending my life - and what a spectacular death it would be - a terrible pain-soaked cliche checking into the chelsea hotel - a few bottles of booze and pills and the deed would be done -- but i cant and nearly hate myself for it -- why - because i cant imagine allowing someone to find me like that -- it doesnt seem fair - i have considered leaving an envelope of cash with a note - "I'am sorry" please take this five hundred dollars as compensation -
please contact the funeral parlar for my cremation....
no---it is not fair to involve or stain someones life like that --
although I hear at the chelsea this would not be uncommon --
sex addiction fantasies - sex addiction nights - internet crusing- opening the door - getting them in - getting them out - numb-
more numbness and they deposit their pains - semen - saliva and residue in my bed - my ass - my mouth -- please kill me ....
please wrap your hands around my throat and take the life I'am afraid to live --
three years slid by - i can not remember a face - i remember the smells - perhaps the armpits of this one or that one -- a certain movement -- a kevin guy trying to open my asshole - but it would not --
micheal at five in the morning - a speed addict who hadnt sleep in five days -- a has been model whood been washed up since his 20s-
a few very hot porn stars- has been pron stars - porn star wanna-bes- meth-addicts - losers - the humiliated and alone - the curious and the high - guys who swallowed a few viagras and had no idea -
one or two homeless guys - a frat guy who pulls his cock out on the street (rock hard) and is naked in the kitchen before i even close the door -- we fuck - or maybe we didnt - all of them none of them -- they all become one guy -- one sad lonely - tired- body below or above me -- the frat guy - bryan - i always wished he would have called --
burning -- second degree burns on my left thigh -- tingling - movement -- panic- the source of heat seems far away but attacking - touching parts of my body and burning -- my solar plexus the center and stuck and the energy continues to return until it may rip my chest open simply to move and become unblocked --
I scratch my legs and it feels like ecstasy -I scratch them until they bled - i jump off the bed trying to escape -the pain is so bad I literally try to run away from it -- i beg god - i swear i will end this nightmare -
it has been three months since i have acted out my sex addiction - every night around five hours until i pass out huddled in a ball - new scratches - sometimes blood - new burns on my thighs- my stomache -- my right elbow -- then for half a day -- it all vanishes and then returns -- same heat - same rashes - same pain and panic--
same begging - what the fuck is this ??
the back of my knees sweat - the room heats up but then feels cool compared to the back of my neck - Iam hot but do not have a fever - the room feels cold compared to my skin and causes me to shiver- and then burn - my nasal passages dry out and Iam completely de-hydrated-- i drink water water - water and then jump around peeing and burning - always feeling -magical somehow and real and full of demons and light .......
>>>>last night - i fell asleep and an unknown man -- holding a sliver- pitcher above me - he brings it to my lips---
"you are drinking the wine of immortality....drink...."
>>>before work - (my bartending job) I burn myself under the shower- - the hot water placed on my back - abdomen and legs brings an excstasy i could not describe -- it seems to call me on certain days -- an emerald green energy lights up the bathroom in some type of ritual -- turning silver and then perhaps white and i know this day will be another burning -- I walk into the water - i rpomise i will not burn my skin today - I turn around so the water hits the back of my neck and then it begins.....
an orgasm of sorts without an errection - without any manipulation of my cock - i never touch it - but an orgasm no less - as long as i stand under the shower and scald myself - iam in an eternal bliss -- by intuition i move around to where "it" wants the heat -- my head- then my thighs- lower back etc-- until iam writhing and mumbling- in pain and red hot flesh--"Am i pocessed??" until it knows its conclusion for the day and releases me -- my body white hot -- and i always feel calm and sick afterward ---
three years---
how do you tell your friends - your co-workers- your family or your boss - I was chosen - this is an honer - I was chosen to be a shaman --Iam becoming a shaman -- last week i took off work four nights and did nothing but slept -- Iam becoming a shaman -- the kundalini is trying to rise -- I'am going to be something....powerful.....my body is being eated every night by a white snake that sucks the poison from my body -- with searing white heat.......Iam burning out the pus and fear----soon i wont be like you or anyone else- the kundalini is rising -- resist or die -- relax or be destroyed-- let go or be dragged --
>>>Is something trying to get out or is something trying to get in ??
many nights my butthole aches -- aches and itches- and i begin to make strange (perverted?) animla like noises when i try to make tghe itch go away -- but soon I have to finger my ass -- and the entire room lights up in purple -- and white -- the heat around my testicles is furious -- and my thighs are burned literally -- the skin is burned specifically the left -- from this heat -- and yet my skin is soft -- ???
panic and isolation- alienation -- and ffear - freezing and burning - freezing and burning -- my computer has locked several nights-- from the heat in the room -- other nights i throw the window open in 30 degree winter weather -- on one night i thought -- the vessal must be hot -- but also --it can not crack -- if it cracks Iam a goner -- let it heat up but not too high --
a white diamond hovers above me -- for three years -- you can get a glimpse of it ever - rare once in a while -- elegant and graceful -- it can be seen -- my mantras have been --
my body is beautful -- and powerful --
again and again --
how could i tell two of the hottest guys in manhattan -- hey i cant have sex with you right now -- my kundalini is rising ????
Iam in my 14 week of celibacy --
and some sexy stud named greg was the last one --
>>>A profound sense of alienation - kundalini rising - dark night of the soul----
I hear faint whispers across the landscape of my fears-- siddhis- bodhi-darma- jivanmukta-- devi-devi----
and still I try to escape --- could this be real???
it is happening -- but am I some gay baby budda budding here and now -- a cross section of witch shaman -- ascetic- taoist something being birthed and unto what purpose -- I thought with the wanning of my breakdown in 95 the light show was over -- and here is part 2 -- in full blosom--- three nights ago i had a dream a pregnant woman is lying next to me on my bed -- i say to her -- yes Iam pregnant also --
>>>freinds that have passed seem to appear and wish to speak with me -- or hang out around me for weeks on end --
a litany of names from my past floats around my feet and then seems to disappear -- i rip farts that would make an embalmer blush -- they fucking stink like you couldnt imagine - they reek of death of some strange smell once again beyond description --
and you thought a spiritual experience was all the about the soft white lights and angels -- kind loving spirits that kiss you goodnight -- guess what - if this happens to you - youd better dig in -- dont bother trying to explain to your doctor - boss - lover or wife-- be prepared to be exhausted for months - or years on end and you cant explain it -- no there is no comfort zone - no on--off button--
no--"I'am not ready right now----"
I have a head ache -- it has its own time -space-agenda and schedule and it doesnt particularly care about yours --
its sucking the posion from your soul and body and clearing your mind and spirit -- it has no timetable or even kindness about it -- heat purifies-- and it will burn where it has to --
ive wondred if dis-ease is simply the poison coming out -- and interesting -- cancer treatments involve chemical heat -- chemo - of which by way of empathic connection to my late father - i was privy to -- and the feelings are very -very similair....
????
((the writing doesn't finish....))
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