Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
rambling diary/sex blog-journal something....
sept 05
covered in demons
solace
no more
night of winter
heat peeling skin
reticence transformed
>>>>>>>>>>
kundalini rising part two
by Sean Bateman
the time is 225am
january 27 06
>>>I swore I gave up my writing -
exasperated, in greif and so buried undeniably in my own pity and sex addiction I gently refused the call to sit at my lap top and journal my thoughts and feelings -
the last three-maybe four years have been awash in fantasies of ending my life - and what a spectacular death it would be - a terrible pain-soaked cliche checking into the chelsea hotel - a few bottles of booze and pills and the deed would be done -- but i cant and nearly hate myself for it -- why - because i cant imagine allowing someone to find me like that -- it doesnt seem fair - i have considered leaving an envelope of cash with a note - "I'am sorry" please take this five hundred dollars as compensation -
please contact the funeral parlar for my cremation....
no---it is not fair to involve or stain someones life like that --
although I hear at the chelsea this would not be uncommon --
sex addiction fantasies - sex addiction nights - internet crusing- opening the door - getting them in - getting them out - numb-
more numbness and they deposit their pains - semen - saliva and residue in my bed - my ass - my mouth -- please kill me ....
please wrap your hands around my throat and take the life I'am afraid to live --
three years slid by - i can not remember a face - i remember the smells - perhaps the armpits of this one or that one -- a certain movement -- a kevin guy trying to open my asshole - but it would not --
micheal at five in the morning - a speed addict who hadnt sleep in five days -- a has been model whood been washed up since his 20s-
a few very hot porn stars- has been pron stars - porn star wanna-bes- meth-addicts - losers - the humiliated and alone - the curious and the high - guys who swallowed a few viagras and had no idea -
one or two homeless guys - a frat guy who pulls his cock out on the street (rock hard) and is naked in the kitchen before i even close the door -- we fuck - or maybe we didnt - all of them none of them -- they all become one guy -- one sad lonely - tired- body below or above me -- the frat guy - bryan - i always wished he would have called --
burning -- second degree burns on my left thigh -- tingling - movement -- panic- the source of heat seems far away but attacking - touching parts of my body and burning -- my solar plexus the center and stuck and the energy continues to return until it may rip my chest open simply to move and become unblocked --
I scratch my legs and it feels like ecstasy -I scratch them until they bled - i jump off the bed trying to escape -the pain is so bad I literally try to run away from it -- i beg god - i swear i will end this nightmare -
it has been three months since i have acted out my sex addiction - every night around five hours until i pass out huddled in a ball - new scratches - sometimes blood - new burns on my thighs- my stomache -- my right elbow -- then for half a day -- it all vanishes and then returns -- same heat - same rashes - same pain and panic--
same begging - what the fuck is this ??
the back of my knees sweat - the room heats up but then feels cool compared to the back of my neck - Iam hot but do not have a fever - the room feels cold compared to my skin and causes me to shiver- and then burn - my nasal passages dry out and Iam completely de-hydrated-- i drink water water - water and then jump around peeing and burning - always feeling -magical somehow and real and full of demons and light .......
>>>>last night - i fell asleep and an unknown man -- holding a sliver- pitcher above me - he brings it to my lips---
"you are drinking the wine of immortality....drink...."
>>>before work - (my bartending job) I burn myself under the shower- - the hot water placed on my back - abdomen and legs brings an excstasy i could not describe -- it seems to call me on certain days -- an emerald green energy lights up the bathroom in some type of ritual -- turning silver and then perhaps white and i know this day will be another burning -- I walk into the water - i rpomise i will not burn my skin today - I turn around so the water hits the back of my neck and then it begins.....
an orgasm of sorts without an errection - without any manipulation of my cock - i never touch it - but an orgasm no less - as long as i stand under the shower and scald myself - iam in an eternal bliss -- by intuition i move around to where "it" wants the heat -- my head- then my thighs- lower back etc-- until iam writhing and mumbling- in pain and red hot flesh--"Am i pocessed??" until it knows its conclusion for the day and releases me -- my body white hot -- and i always feel calm and sick afterward ---
three years---
how do you tell your friends - your co-workers- your family or your boss - I was chosen - this is an honer - I was chosen to be a shaman --Iam becoming a shaman -- last week i took off work four nights and did nothing but slept -- Iam becoming a shaman -- the kundalini is trying to rise -- I'am going to be something....powerful.....my body is being eated every night by a white snake that sucks the poison from my body -- with searing white heat.......Iam burning out the pus and fear----soon i wont be like you or anyone else- the kundalini is rising -- resist or die -- relax or be destroyed-- let go or be dragged --
>>>Is something trying to get out or is something trying to get in ??
many nights my butthole aches -- aches and itches- and i begin to make strange (perverted?) animla like noises when i try to make tghe itch go away -- but soon I have to finger my ass -- and the entire room lights up in purple -- and white -- the heat around my testicles is furious -- and my thighs are burned literally -- the skin is burned specifically the left -- from this heat -- and yet my skin is soft -- ???
panic and isolation- alienation -- and ffear - freezing and burning - freezing and burning -- my computer has locked several nights-- from the heat in the room -- other nights i throw the window open in 30 degree winter weather -- on one night i thought -- the vessal must be hot -- but also --it can not crack -- if it cracks Iam a goner -- let it heat up but not too high --
a white diamond hovers above me -- for three years -- you can get a glimpse of it ever - rare once in a while -- elegant and graceful -- it can be seen -- my mantras have been --
my body is beautful -- and powerful --
again and again --
how could i tell two of the hottest guys in manhattan -- hey i cant have sex with you right now -- my kundalini is rising ????
Iam in my 14 week of celibacy --
and some sexy stud named greg was the last one --
>>>A profound sense of alienation - kundalini rising - dark night of the soul----
I hear faint whispers across the landscape of my fears-- siddhis- bodhi-darma- jivanmukta-- devi-devi----
and still I try to escape --- could this be real???
it is happening -- but am I some gay baby budda budding here and now -- a cross section of witch shaman -- ascetic- taoist something being birthed and unto what purpose -- I thought with the wanning of my breakdown in 95 the light show was over -- and here is part 2 -- in full blosom--- three nights ago i had a dream a pregnant woman is lying next to me on my bed -- i say to her -- yes Iam pregnant also --
>>>freinds that have passed seem to appear and wish to speak with me -- or hang out around me for weeks on end --
a litany of names from my past floats around my feet and then seems to disappear -- i rip farts that would make an embalmer blush -- they fucking stink like you couldnt imagine - they reek of death of some strange smell once again beyond description --
and you thought a spiritual experience was all the about the soft white lights and angels -- kind loving spirits that kiss you goodnight -- guess what - if this happens to you - youd better dig in -- dont bother trying to explain to your doctor - boss - lover or wife-- be prepared to be exhausted for months - or years on end and you cant explain it -- no there is no comfort zone - no on--off button--
no--"I'am not ready right now----"
I have a head ache -- it has its own time -space-agenda and schedule and it doesnt particularly care about yours --
its sucking the posion from your soul and body and clearing your mind and spirit -- it has no timetable or even kindness about it -- heat purifies-- and it will burn where it has to --
ive wondred if dis-ease is simply the poison coming out -- and interesting -- cancer treatments involve chemical heat -- chemo - of which by way of empathic connection to my late father - i was privy to -- and the feelings are very -very similair....
????
((the writing doesn't finish....))
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