"Mike Knight" by Seanbateman9

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"Closer"                                                                                                                                                          jan 07

you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

some random thoughts and Mike Knight...


4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning...
random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something...

yeah...its seems, these days -- that
the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds...
i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh...
like, yeah -- the meds...
of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time...
chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..."
the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise...
hey -- i dunno about you bro...
i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok...
a long time ago...

>>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..."
it's gonna be all fucked up...
and your -- your gonna be,  "all fucked up" and well, 
were just gonna be here together...
all fucked up together....
all on this planet together...
all fucked up...
together...
>>>>>>>pain...psychic pain...
the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro..
and
maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here...
but in the meantime: read on...

ever since i can remember...
life here, was about: fear...
perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives...
like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not...
or maybe: 
you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety...
or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe...
you got some warmth: somewhere...
feelings of safety...
ponder that for a moment...
maybe...
you had a good childhood - whatever that means...
it means...
like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes...
well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??)

maybe you...
grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good...
like "middle america" 
thats a killer...right?

no.
well, it didn't happen here...
no, not for me -- that didn't happen...
childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right?
perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world...
with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect....

a "normal" childhood...
i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..." 
normal...
ponder that...
when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine....
>>>normal, regular, average....the middle...
just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me...
A "normal" childhood...
i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got...
now what am i gonna do with it...???
instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right?
>>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..."
you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then...
it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations...
whatever...


really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right?
like a journalist...
or like a human being, in a factory...??
or a gardener...
or Batmnan...
i would have been a great lawyer...
fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches...
(i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now...
totally random...
yeah, fuck yeah...

this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers....
and once god has her plan set for you -- well then, 
theres no getting out of your destiny...


>>>>
like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light...
but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or...
some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me...
i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...???
hehee

subversion...blackness...
deviance...
darkness...
sensuality...
lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny...
always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then...

light...
another light...the black-light....a light -- that...
the world doesn't recognize...
the 
"screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..."
got that?

an otherworldly light...
the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres...
no...
you were gonna become a sex object...!!!
hows that for karma??
yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually...

why?
because...
thats your destiny...

ur destiny...ponder that for a minute...
the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is: 
to take a walk through hell...
escorted by demons...the whole way...
fighting the demons, and talking to the angels...
and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"...
but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick...
made for sex...i was...but love?

welcome to the pleasure dome...


>>>>>>>
my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat...
too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>>
blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light...
right?

bathed and drowned in it...
thrown at me from every angle...
so much light...
and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light...
>>>>>>>>>>>>

the value of darkness and isolation...
light.
with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura...
that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that...
no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid...
walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist....
>>>>>>>>>>

a fine artist...
(i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...) 
everything i painted was black, and blue and red...
melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter...
wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something...

but no...
i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??"
"would you be interested in showing this??"
"seeing my work...??"


\>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass...
not your paintings....
>>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects...
higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence...
right ? 
no.
not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen...
the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving...
starving to fix an ache in our souls...

finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe"  -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are...
there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right?
well ok then...u want hole...here is it...
the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want....
or what you need...
forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..."
the world is a sleep....
they are a sleep plato's cave...
looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside...
the light...
outside...

you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage:
well -- forget it...
you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them....
throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right??
>>>>
truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life...
walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you...
and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp?

>>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...???

i always wanted to be a porn star....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
finally, yeah i got something i wanted....
mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!!
hard bones everywhere loking at  my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have...
sex object -- ponder that one...

sex object....

hey, don't feel sorry for me...
yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..."
but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to  my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love...
thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy...
punishment...
ponder that...
punished because of what you feel...

don't fell sorry for me....
sex object...
punishment....
feelings...
love....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ur destiny.....


i'am (just) saying that:
what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah...
i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...???
look i shake hands with a guy: guess what?
the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?"
>>>it's in my aura...
thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ??
ya know what...why the fuck not???
yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn....
porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my  bros -- they come over just to smell my pits....
my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus...
kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right...
it's in my aura, man...
it's even in my smell...
i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line...
i was created by gay renegade angels....
yep....
"The masterpeice of angels..."
???
had to be gay angels -- right...
i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am...
I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live...

>>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else...
as they say: 
life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around?
>>>
so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to: 
"yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..."
>>>>>>>>>>>
although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc...
the permanent collection...ah...but, 
ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course....
>>>>>>>>


>>> I came from money...
thats funny - is it not...? that expression...
I came from money...
hahaaa
yep, sure did...
and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from...
but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money...
happiness...

ponder that  -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy""
no...sorry--->>>
money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares???


money....
ponder that one -- for a minute...
if money weren't the issue....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what money buys:
pause....
>>>>>>>>>>

new valium prescriptions for mom...of course...
and 
seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories...
but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right?
>>>my mother screams...
"Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ???
they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands...
for chrissake...
the other boys...

yeah...so help me god this is true...
one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants...
like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent)  butts...to see which one i liked the best...
((i was 10 years old at that time...))
wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten...
my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying: 
"Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..."
hehehe 
"mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..."
yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that??
in like 1970...?
it got worse...
yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light...
the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth...

>>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on...

ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up...
and ah - no...
i can't remember where I'am in my med course...

>>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight,
...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else...
>>>>>>>>>

side effects...
ponder that one..for a minute...
you take a pill because you can't sleep...
>>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up...
and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you...
all the while -- it is saving your life....
ponder that...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life...
thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that --
that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..."
well it's a dog-pile... 
of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything...
or something...
yeah, theres something wrong with you...
and were going to find out what it is...and fix you....
because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped...

ponder the metaphor//allegory?
:of "plato's" cave story...for a minute...

>>>you free yourself and walk out into the light...
and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that...
"hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..."

well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb....
why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped...
of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary...
to be away from the "pack..." is frightning...
and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>>
that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..." 
here...
release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't...
tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will
pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth...
am i making sense...?
yet?

>>>stop making sence...sense...
>>>>>

>>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink...

>>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed...
got sent to a shrink...

age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..."
(in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story...

age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying...
told a social worker i was in grief...and angry...
(a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...) 
yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink...

i dunno - life is like a series of...
(hey guess what??   i'am not in 20s anymore, so --- 
i can make declarative statements, like that...now:
about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot - 
i can say things like.."life is like this..."
yeah, sure can fucker...
ive all ready lived about ten lives...
ten lifetimes...
and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...))
all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell))
fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this:
my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..
 and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere...
no -- 
it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream..
a wet dream - of course....
...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons...
ok?  perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion...
well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ...
yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:
 looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul...
and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>

ok man, where was i???
i forgot what i was saying....
not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on
now...
where were we?
feelings....i love you....
love....
yeah -- 
i don't really think i'am human...anymore...
and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i??

angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???"

>>>>>>>>>>>
my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts...
the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything...
can see into men's souls and know there ache...

humans....
to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands...
and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..."
the ahce...
ponder that....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases...
yeah i got carted off to a shrink...
fucking shrinks bro...
oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...???
having trouble -- "fitting in..."
then i guess your going to the shrink...
wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor...
wanna tell us how fucked we are...? 
yeah 
ah, guess what -- your getting medicated...
your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence...
or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality...
or for your refusal to deform yourself...
and become -- "just like us..."
scared--- and trapped...
>>>>>>>>>>>>
normal....not normal...
"your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..."

>>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink...

for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives....
and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..."
>>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink...
"it's for you own good..." 

thats a riot! 
i love that one....for your own good....
and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..."
ah, >>>>"we love you...." 
"were trying to help you...."

>>>help me -- 
what? commit suicide???
god....

god -- something alive and pure and transforming...
something beautiful and fresh...

???

i dunno...
i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle...
with my eyes closed...
meditating: 
even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp?
or about the taoist immortals...
or even the 
"ascended masters" or a place called: shambala...
or nirvana...
or of:
jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis..  sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..."

anyway...
row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream...
yeah the beautiful dream of life...
strange...
((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...))
>>>>>>>

the shrink:
yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in...
your going to the "Shrink..."
ponder that one...the "Shrink..."
hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now --
ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course....
right off >>>>>>>>>>
"ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??"


>>>>>>>>>
the ink blots...

ink blots: 
the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed...
"are you fucking kidding me...???
"you want me to look at ink blots...?  
i don't "see" anything...
i see ink...on a white piece of paper..."
>>>>>>>>>


talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform...
conform...
to the worlds mental illness...
insanity...
menatal illness...take your meds...

>>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill...
surprise...
yep.....
wake up...
yep...to the whole fucked up mess...
everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick...
and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill...
and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill...
and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>>
will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...'

right?
and when they say: it's because "we love you"
...or 
"do it for jesus..."
well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love...
and love here...in this reality...bro -- 
you dont, fucken want it...
trust me...
when someone says to you --"i love you..."
run the other way....
when they say that..."i love you...."
what they really mean is: 
"i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..."
and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you...
>>>it means -- they hate you --- 
"yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!"
how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself...
yeah...
yeah -- man -- "i love you" --  man...
"love you -- mean it -- " heheee
it really means:
stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time...
i love you -- i promise....

right ?
>>>>>>>>>>>>

ah -- perspective...
no -- you can't....
>>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective...
on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear...
and rage....that looks like love...
the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love:
but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold...
and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down 
then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally:
mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up...
and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro...
and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be:
"not fucked up..."
is that clear enough for you...? doc...?

ink blots...

my doc to me: 
"do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?"
"well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, --  not...ah, not "there" - doc??"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


ink blots...
well...
what do i see? in this blob of ink??
 -- on this piece of white paper...? 
ok bro...i'll play the game...
because if i don't play your game then i'am---
"severely -- disturbed..." right?
then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right??

"Depressed and severley disturbed..."
official diagnosis...

age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35...
"inability to accept "reality"...." age 40...
reality....: is.....
reality -- 
is bullshit...man...
and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again....
maybe it's time that you, doctor --  
"take the meds...."
can't aqccept "reality" 
but whoose reality are we talking about ??
the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into  ----- buying????
the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ????
is that reality that i can't accept???

>>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil....
and pretty damm proud to be that...
the world's dark angel....
a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done...
then yeah -- here i'am...telling the  masses: hey guess what?
"god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever...
the messiah...means: the annointed one...
>>>>>>>>>
the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape...
reality...whoose reality???
>>>>>>>>>
your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies....
on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear....
and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>>

life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>>

age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience...
i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off:
the habitrail of insanity...
and into the jungle of nothingness...
into the cosmos of god...
and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become:
an angel to the lost --->>>>>
a porn star -- of sorts...
finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick...
the lost children...commanding the elements...
fully aware of my power and light...
i emerge as:
a shaman....
a sexual shaman....no less....

life begins at 40...indeed...it does...
40
i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed...
watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep...
and boom...it all became clear....
enlightenment...
age 45...
clarity.........
((realizing everything was and is "bullshit" 
((see "plato'plato"s cave...above"))
life is like:............
god is like....heaven is like...
i know what heaven is like...been there three times...
and twice to hell.....
decided to come back to earth....

ink blots----------->>>
what do you see???
ok Sean...
>>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see....
ok...
ink blots...
"ok doc...what do i see ?"

I see: blood everywhere...
i see: insanity and pain...
I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls...
I see: moeny and ah, dead people....
i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill...
ah....
i see: fear.....
>>>>>>>>>>

"your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...."
>>>>>>


what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize: 
"It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..." 
>>>>>
yeah ----
you can medicate me and my libido but really, 
it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful....
i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time....
yeah...
manhattan....here i'am....
i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me....
it all just made me stronger....
they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go...
i was going to die...i was supposed to die...
i kinda did die -- and then was re-born....
>>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger....
beautiful and powerful...and knowing...

>>>>>>>>>>>
"what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
thank you -->>>...albert camus...
stronger --- 
and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc??
your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...???
see ya in hell...man...
with your ink blots...
>>>>>>>


go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when  your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere...
in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him...
blood and murder and rape...everywhere...
>>>>>deeply disturbed...???
yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ??
deeply disturbed....
((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?))
my first shrink...
like i said: fuck him....
what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep...
probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass --
for "jesus" -- of course...

and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it...
((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right? 
when it was an actual...magazine...))
anyway...

sex object..........
>>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner...
and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah,
my uncle...
oops - thats not supposed to happen...right?
sucking off -- the  staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the   
guy that brings the flowers every week...

16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict...
or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality...

to the maid: 
"if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..."
actually -- i really liked her.......

16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...) 
my vocabulary was like that of a college professor...
where is he learning those words???
(((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....)))

yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them...
and they didn't like that...
like i said: fuck them....
the smirk on my face always said the same thing: 
"fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..."
"your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..."
"your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..."

go ahead,  tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old....
and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus...

"I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..."

>>>>>>>>>>the truth...
they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will...
into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them...
doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you...
right...???
and so it goes...

16 years old and trapped in the 70s...
16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of  --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...)

16...going on 17...
i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the  prositutes...yep - sure did...
16 going on 99...
one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic...
butt-fuking lust and wanting...
the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god...
and enlightened...
seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always...
"near death..."
what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience...
???

>>>>>>>>>>>>

mike knight...
the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact...
he was the epitome...of:
the mask of (in)sanity...
so to speak...
they  got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike...
mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:
 the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe...
and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny...
the dark angel and mr perfect...
nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path:
it means your entire existence is going to be transformed...
ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..."

mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships...
he was about to confront his other side...
his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece...
mike knight -- perfect in every way...
he had everything - he had it all...except his soul...
there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me...

"you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile...
"ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...)
"yeah sure..." wink -- wink...
mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away....
heheee..........no not this time...
in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right?

we walk into the door...
of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget....
to the  ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me...

>>>>the mask of sanity....
ponder that one...
>>>>>>>>>>

i could always see into people's souls...
or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them  what i saw....

"take your meds..."
yeah...right...
seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan....
knowing --- the  curse off "knowing..."
my other curse is: (of course) is:
to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro...
well, maybe...
maybe -- hehee 
you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me...
yeah, you can have my ass, 
but ah..well: 
youll never have "me"....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
pause...mike knight...

the masks we wear...
the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light...
innocent -- : the "good" one...
thats the mask -  mike knight was wearing the night we met....
but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him....
i looked beyond  the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind  his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear...
>>>>>>help me....

this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality --
because i know that money is not going to fix it...
boy do i know that...
if i don't know anything,  i sure do -- know that...
any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>>

the world can't see that -- but i can...
when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity...
and god and "right..."


and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right?
like i said: fuck him and fuck them all....
those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good...
i know them and  what they are...

>>>>>
we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia...
but thats a whole nother therapy session....
pause...
right?? 
sorry -- that was the 70s...
back then: oh...your a fag? 
yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list :
then yeah --
you were considered: "mentally ill..."
"your going to sunday school...your  going to bible camp...your going to church..."
connect the dots...
thats right -- >>>singing in the chior...
i was the favorite - in the choir...of course...
for jesus....amen...
thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus...
>>>>>>>>>>>>

the mask of sanity... 
google that and youll get some interesting reading...

the mask...
you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever...
but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..."
and your wearing a brook's brother suit...
well...
as long as you look innocent in america...
then you are innocent...
as long as you face is white: of course...
and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then...
yes !
fuck yes...your innocent and ah,  "Good" 
right ...??
((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...))
anyway...
>>>>>>>>>>

the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it...
>>>there couldn't possibly be anything  sinister happening  in a church -- it's a house of: god....
right? 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
god and money: the things of this world...
money...
the rich are innocent....
and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...)
presits never fuck 14 year old boys and -- 
god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god...
yeah....ok...

love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease...
that really, you never had in the first place...
but how else were we going to get you addicted to all -- 
all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names))
and all the side effects...
and siphon...sp? off 
your lifeforce...
and basically kill you...
pause...
for money -- of course...
in the name of jesus...of course -- amen...
and 
god bless america....
rape me....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
what is god???

god is gentle...
god is creative...
god doesn't murder...does he? does she?
or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging...
and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers...
and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen???
????

emanations of light...
projections of light...
transforming...light...
particles of light...
we are....
light....
like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes...
and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease....
right? 
because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day...
on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials...
telling you that there is something wrong with you...
of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour....
here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day
...and: 
heres the cure...by  the way...
just ask you doctor...
who, really is not a doctor at all but actually -- 
more like a drug pusher....
or a great salesman...
cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests....
not happy???
ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain....
and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong...
right?
>>>>>>>>>

particles of light...
quantum mechanics...
there is an infinite amount of outcomes...
at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick....
the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow....
fuck i think i took  my meds twice.....

>>>>>>>>>>>
particles of light...
we are all, just particles of light...
a giant tv screen, of particles...
of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of --  walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light...
we are particles of light...
simple molecules....of light...of god...
of energy....
of love....?

>>>everything breakdown to particles...
and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing...
we are basically nothing...
but vapors of light...
yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and  yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny...
is there?
check out...the myth of sysiphiis... sp?
if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...?
it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>


mike knight...and the pleasure model...
one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah...
and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes...
in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits...
mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was...
a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them...
yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry -- 
by asking you...
"Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything  but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing  at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker??
i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..."
and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..."
the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the  one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor...
wake up...
he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that \
yeah to do that for him...
give him "therapy" like that....
pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that...

(((clear mind and clean body...)))

i cant shake that bro...
of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight...
there was something about him...
i dunno...

i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here...
to simply transform things...
like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno...
morpheus...

maybe i'am -- something like,
"the one..."

i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight...
his "transformer..." thats for sure...
yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again...
wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,
 but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that 
i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice...
well one thing is for sure today...
i def, will not have a seizure....
today...
right ?
hold that thought....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
your a special case.....
i love that expression...
"special case..."
ponder that one for a minute....
mike knight was a special case...
and what a hole he had...awesome...
one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass...

"descent into madness..."
heheee....
being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny....

destiny....
ponder that one...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born...
full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real...

miracles....

if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle...
right?
but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere...
and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..."
then what??
and that even the darkness was god...
and that "god" was the darkness...
not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful...
and too much light can kill you...
yep, it sure can bro...
it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it...

it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a breakdown...

so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system...
a rejection of all the suppressions...
>>>>>>>>

and yeah, what if:
you just let it all -- come "out" 
finally...
yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure...
thats right baby...just let it out...
and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right  here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love...
yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it?

pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god...
it hurts...
like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe...
for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time....
a new heaven on earth --- so to speak....
and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world....

>>>>>>>>>
the real world...ponder that one....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the first rule of becoming and  being immortal:
or having eternal life:
first you have to die...

ponder that one....
and by the way...

i love you....

Sean