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test
test-- Warrior - god-father - sage - messiah...
My private pics are all unlocked -- >>>>
I only ask one thing - please read my profile --
before you send me an e mail asking me something thats all ready listed --- thnkxx love Sean
ok then...
Welcome...
Closer...
"You get me closer to God..."
Sean here...
A "Prayer for the Departed..."
Hey there - thanks for the visit to my page here and sexual cyber space...
I'am all about the nasty and the "Fuck Yeah!" yep sure am --
but before you open that door and descend here -
(with me) into my sexual homo-fest of denziens...
and night crawlers...
and go into the undergound of lust...
I want to tell you something...
I want to share something cool with you that happened to me recently...
I dig candlelight...
As I lit a candle in my home...recently
I got a streak of inspiration...
voices of angesls...
Gay angels - maybe...
the dearly departed ? spoke:
It came to me to say this prayer...
(As I lit the candle...)
""This candle is a light...
and a symbol of love and peace and all good things to all souls - my queer brothers and sisters - who died from fear...
(to all the spirits) - who commited suicide...in this life ...becasue they were gay...
>>>To all the people that ever got gay bashed...
and of course to those who passed...
because of the gay holocaust...
(the gay holocaust - that happened in the late 80s and early nineties...due to meds overdosing and poisoning from toxic meds...AZT and DDI..."
prayer continues..
"Whatever I do in my life I will remember you and also know that you are on the other side to guide me and help me - your power and protection and love are mine...
I wish you love and light and pray that you guide me and keep me safe..."
((the holocaust...))
us older guys are stunned
the younger guys perhaps dont know the history
or perhaps they do and believe that is their fate or what they deserve...
well listen up !
the fear in this world does not belong to us...and it doesnt belong to you - dont ever soak it up or ingest it or internalize it...
repel it - it is toxic...deeply - deeply toxic...
and it should never harm us...again,
ever again...
consider that wherever you are or may be - you deserve to live in safety and peace....
and if someone sends you hate -
you just send it right back..
with a note - that says -
"It doesnt belong to me and never will..."
prayer continues...
"I pray to send love to all the people who have been harmed...
hurt or died from homophobia....
it is because of you that I enjoy all the wonderful -
cool things about being gay and queer and homo...
homo-empowered...so thanks - to all the spirits helping me here in this world...who either passed before me or went before their time....
to make this world a better place and an easier place for me...
thank you...
Amen..."
try this -- @ home once a week...
Light a candle for the departed...
I'am doing the same...
it is very healing -- for strength and love and peace...
consider all who have gone before you as I did and all who will come after us...
community is not about being predatory - it's about co-existing...
protecting each other...
Its about Co-union or communion...
tell me the miracles and results you have...
heal your soul - heal OUR soul...
and protect yourself and others like us...
Repeat after me and take the oath...
"I'am powerful and protected...
I'am powerful and protected...
I'am connected to all gay Men - EVERYWHERE...
WE ARE - powerful and protected....
we are love...and
we are light...
we are love....and we are light...
the divine yin
and the divine yang
embodied in one body...
we are protected and safe...
I'am protected and safe...
I'am divine...
we are divine
we are connected...and strong and powerful....
We are light...
our legacy -- my legacy is Truth and power...
power and beauty...
the universe protects us....
and values us....
forever and ever and always....
and so I'am....and will always be...
If I'am attacked then I will become more powerful....
If I'am attacked I will become more powerful...
I will take my attackers power and serve it up to the greater good...
I will own my power and help others to do so...
I will live in freedom and love...
no matter what...
I'am light and I'am power...
I'am love and have the power to love...
I'am love and I'am power
I'am love and I accept my power...
I give love and I recieve love....
and it is -- power...
my power is mine...forever....
as one...connected...
to the divine father and mother...
now...
forever....
Amen...."
print this prayer if you like and repeat as needed until it becomes a mantra....
until it becomes your truth and our truth...
why - ?
because - IT IS - the TRUTH...
say the words and own them...
it's time that we bond...and strengthen...
recall our sense of community and purpose...
communion and brotherly love....
it is my wish --
now go in peace - with the knowledge in your body and heart...and create your realties from here...
to honor the god and goddess within and without and know you are loved and protected...
and can love and protect...
blessings...
much love Sean
and now....
Hot, hot, hotness...fuck-brah....hotness...for you
read on...
stories and blogs and more to get you to the heat Zone...
>>> blog entry - (Excerpts from "Sean's Blue Pjajamas"...)
This blog is rated XXX - Adults only...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
blog Entry XXX - Adults Only !!!
The Captain of the Wrestling Team...
High school...
Blake...
1976...
a lazy - hot july afternoon...
i was detoxoing from cocaine and last nights alcohol binge on the high school campus football field late at night -- a six pack of beer - and drinking with the captain of the wrestling team...
we were smashed...
it started with a look in his eyes...
then he started laughing...
and standing above me...
as i lay on the grass laughing also...
then he became somewhat serious and kinda -- well his eyes changed...became warm...in a different way...
he took in a deep breath...and then became playful again..
he sat on my stomache, and pinned my wrists down - to the grass, then he looked into my eyes...
and then - oh my god...yeah...
he kissed me...
and he kissed me harder and he didn't stop...
and i kissed him back >>>
and as he kissed me he began to grind his hips into mine...
holding my wrists down...getting kissed by the campus stud...my mind was blown -- totally--
his rough - young beard against mine...
rubbing his face against mine - along my neck and then moving his lips back to mine...
the smell of him...at last - yes!
moaning - on top of me...and grinding his hips...
this low - beautiful moan...from deep - deep inside...and then the kiss became very tender...like he knew this was our chance - nobody was there to stop us...
we both wanted the same thing...
and then a surreal - almost dream-like -- unreality
took over...
the warmth of the night - the moon above...
two hard - hard throbbing cocks and two young guys ready to vent a pressure and undertow that had been suppressed - pushed down --- closeted - pushed away - for years...
but now here it was - from both sides...
two male energies - meeting - merging...
hard, soft and rough: pure -
pure heat...pure lust and maybe even love...
almost in slow motion - it began to unfold... the dream...
A dream - that I had dreamt of many times since I first saw him - fisrt saw Blake...
blake the all star...
hieght - 5'10
weight - a muscled 165 pounds with an emphasis on his fine almost over-built chest...lightly sprinkled with a tuft of fine masculine hair in the center...
a flash of perfect white teeth...
beautiful light green eyes...
the black close crop-haircut that all wrestlers on the high school team had to have...quasi-Marine-style...that seemed to catch the sun and shine at the right angle...
his fine olive skin...
but all of that was not the best part about Blake..
the way he moved his hips when he walked - his kind of roundish full sexy butt -- No - nor even yeah - what appeared..atleast in the showers -- to be a truly nice sized cock with low hanging balls...the way he carried himself...at times sporting the devils grin...when he was deep in thought -- which would then turn to a dopey smile and then a frown of anger - the few times he caught me looking at him in the cafeteria...while he ate lunch alone...cramming for a test...
the way his eyes turned soft a few other times when he watched the other wrestlers push around a few freshmen and he would break it up and then look at you - with kindness...like he was sorry - it all happened...
all of this but more than this -- it was his smile that for me lit up the entire world...after he won a match - gave the right answer in class...or was just walking home telling a sports story and talking about the game...
His smile...his eyes - all together -- so, so beautiful...
youd simply fall, forever -- forever and ever in love with him...
the dream of Blake...
My dream...
in the back of my mind...
I always imagined him on top of me -
maybe fucking me - fucking my hole...
and yeah kissing...
him telling me how much he liked me...
there was always kissing...me kissing him..
him kissing me --
us kissing together --
like we cherished each other...
kissing and laughing...or wrestling around...
something like that -
a haze of his breath on mine - the smell of him - the sound of his laughter...
the images of him in the showers...naked - the cool - warm water rolling over him and the cocky way he strutted around...
and then became totally self confidant and then self - conciouss - and then quiet...in the locker room...when he became aware of where he was...
>>>>
aching for him...in the dream or watching him in the shower after practice but pretending not to notice:
taking those images -- All of them :
and weaving them into a dream..my dream...yeah - the dream and ache of Blake...
any time anyone said his name -
I fell into a hope and sadness and pain and joy...
and now -
there he was...
on top of me -
under a sky full of stars - and the moon almost full..
a warm summers night...a few beers and half a pint of Schnapps...there he was --
on top of me - kissing me and me kissing back...
heat building...releasing - mingling...stoking...fire - heat -- fire - burning...
suddenly -
he took one hand - and
then slowly - yeah
he slowly -- as if to say "Yes..."
he brought my hand to his crotch...
and rested it there...
and yes -- his dick was hard
ringing hard -- rock -- hard...hard...
aching -
he nodded - and quietly met my eyes and we both froze
yeah ...the moment of truth...for us both...
and then - the gates of light and lust and virility and pain and heat exploded - and blew open...
pause...
a shooting star goes by...
as fast as I could I undid the fly to his jeans and ran my hand over the length and girth of his piece - it was so fucking nice -- !! it curved off to the right and as I slide down the waste band of his breifs - and saw the head - my mouth watering to taste it - a long ooze of pre-cum appeared - the semll and heat of his crotch wafting toward me like the greatest cologne I had ever smelled...
pure -- blake...the stud...
the boy - the man - the child - the star...
the bringer of my dreams...
the head of his cock -- his hard cock -- now next to my mouth - and him wanting me to taste it --
and then yeah I brought his waist to mine and bent my head forward and lapped my tongue to that pearly awesome -
fluid, at the tip of his piss slit...
and took it in...
salty - sweet - nice - his essence...
I paused - maybe to savor it - allow it to roll onto my tongue...almost ponder that it came from his body - deep within his balls - the center of him...
I rested my cheek onto his lower stoamche for just a breif moment like i just wanted to stay there forever...and I think he did also - and then he lightly touched the top of my head...and bent closer to breathe in the smell of my hair and then he kissed the top of my head...and then it happened...
I opened my mouth -
and then I tasted the head...of Blake's cock---
and the head went beyond my lips...
and then the entire shaft - went into my mouth -
and then deep into my throat...
tasting Blake - my first cock -
the first cock...
Blake's cock -- >>>> YES!
the ache in my throat - now released...
>>>>years of wanting to do this - were now vanishing...
seeing guys and thinking about going down on them - a knot - always there - aching to suck some studs cock that you saw in the park and he would look at you like he wanted it and you wanted it but you never knew what to do about it-- the ache...
in the lockeroom showers or just walking down the street and trying not to acknowledge the total hotty you just saw because it was not safe...
you could get beat up - called the town fag...or even worse -- bashed...
all of that went through my mind...but now on the football field at 2am...nobody could stop either of us...
the world was asleep and would never find out...
Blake moaning above me - obviously liking the feeling of having his dick sucked and sucked by a guy...
I wanted to make sure that he totally dug it -
and never forgot this night - and me and us doing everything...
and then suddenly fast and quick -- I felt the ache in my own cock - and realized that Blake was tearing open my fly and pulling my dick out of my pants...
pulling down the waistband of my boxers and gripping his strong hand around the burning base of my shaft...close to my balls...
he lightly and gently and precisly slid his finger along the under - crack of my hole..behind my balls and then without any warning fingered my hole...
holy shit !
was he gonna fuck me ??
it was all so fast...and furious and wonderful and firghtning at the same time...
and it all felt so right...like god was watching and didnt care...maybe that God wanted this to happen...
like heaven...?
like angels - made it happen..
like in my secret prayers - the prayers of my heart - and love for and of Blake...
yeah fuck yeah - it was...a dream come true...def...
>>>Blake fingering my asshole and opening up a new world of sensations in my mind and body...
waves and waves - with the pain and joy that began...
Blake fingering my hole -- riding my mouth and thrusting his shaft down further into my throat - face fucking me - holding my head...bucking around...
I thought to myself.."Is he gonna fuck me now...??"
but he did'nt...
instead....
yep....he began to push my pants down to my ankles - and suddenly I felt the cool of the grass on my butt - and then somehow Blake managed to pull his pants down and then he pulled his wet cock out of my mouth and kissed me again --
return his mouth to mine and slowly began to move the head of my cock toward his butt-hole...
oh my god - I couldnt believe it - The captain of the wrestling team was working the head of my hard cock into his hot wrestler-boy tight -- butt hole - --
almost by instinct - it began to snake up - into his ass - sweaty and warm and then yeah - I looked at him - to ask - to know if he had even done this before - and he whispered...
"I want to..."
and then I was inside him...
yeah that was allI needed to hear...
I bucked my hips upward...yeah and then I took control of the situation - somehow-- I rolled over -- still inside of him...almost like the prefect wrestlers move - a duble reversal...and then I was on top...
and he relaxed...how many times had he been on a wrestling matt -- in this same position - and fighting to get out of it ??
but not this time...he relaxed and allowed me to enter him deeper...and I pressed my chest hard into his - and became very wise and knwoing and bit his lips and looked into his eyes - like "I'am gonna take care of it all...my bro..."
and he realxed into it - and I knew this was the real sitaution - he really wanted so badly to be taken and get fucked and be made love to...he relaxed and his asshole opened perefectly to recieive my thiick 8 inch pole...
and yeah he wrapped his strong powerful thighs around me and then it occurred to me - I dared to dream that Blake had thought of doing this before - it was clear -
>>>>his dream was comming true was well...
slowly Blake accepted more and more of me into his hole... bucking and riding --
yeah -
I was fucking him...slow and nice..
deep and pure and raw...and nice...
our movements were perfect and fell into a true rythmmm
cock to ass and mouth to mouth: body to body and heart to heart...
we were truly making love now - not just two dumb jocks in a circle jerk...
No - this was a whole nother level that until now I could have only guessed at..but it was happening none the less - making love...
on the grass...under the stars, in front of god --- in front of jesus...
the all - star captain of the wrestling team...the prom king....in my arms, getting my dick up his ass ...and jerking off and kissing me all the way...to heaven...
the sweat from his chest mixing with mine - our fluids mixing - our tongues and bodies - becoming - making us one...
and then
before we knew it...
the moon - the stars and the alcohol and everything blurred- and it all became so powerful and overwhelming and he knew and I knew - and then faintly - softly -- sweetly:
as if to give permission for me to do it - Blake nodded and said a quiet -- "Yes...."
and then
I released a warm load into his ass...
like a giant knot - being untied...and him gratfully - ..accpeting it all.. every drop...
masculine and pure and full of light...
full of my light...
as another stream of my fine hot cum flew upwards deep - deep into Blake..
and us locking mouths and moaning together...cheek to cheek his smell - and my smell..mixing..
and our moans..
clean and pure: it all felt so right...
his release --
my release...and
the smell of sexy funk...suddenly filled the air --
around us
almost like a locker room...with faint dabs of cologne....
moisture - jockstraps,
sweaty socks...
of guys and testoserone...
yeah the smell of love...
kind of encrilced us....and
mingled with the grass - and sky above --
Blake and I --- bonded together forever...
my cock still oozing the last drops of cum into his fine atheletic ass...
and then just holding--
his arms around me....kissing my acheek...
he holding me and me hoding him...
we--- made love togther...
I made love to him...
I shot a load of my essence into him...and he took it in...
the dream came true..
then finally - it was calm....
calm...
i looked down and held him tight - and kissed his cheek so gently - almost drawing tears into my eyes - because of how beautiful it all was - and he was...
listening to his slow sexy moaning in my ear -
and then kissing him one more time....
and then that was it -- it was all gone -
everything - coated in warmth
and then I guess-- I lost conciousness...
we both passed out...
me on top of him...
yeah fuck yeah -
me and Blake...sleeping under the stars...
this was how it should be - this is a world of good and God...
Blake - a guy like Blake - next to me - I made him happy...
he made my dreams come true...
his varsity jacket draped over both of us as a kind of blanket...
cheek to cheek...
amen.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
the next morning we were awakened by the summer session's girls soccer team coming onto the field to practice...
my pants down around my ankles...blake was laying next to me....
empty "miller" bottles scattered around laying on the grass...
the sun glaring down --
I saw the coach first but Blake was still a sleep...
all of a sudden waking up and looking up at the coach...and then seeing Blake...his fine furry butt and beautiful cock -- he had a morning hard-on...
hard in the afternoon day sun --
looking into his eyes and then realizing that we were not alone...
that his johnson was standing straight up in all it's glory kinda flapping in the air, and that dumb - sexy smile on his mug that made everyone fall in love with him, his lazy bedroom eyes, gazing into mine - as he began to grin, thinking for a second that we were still alone...
and about to grin, >>>>>but.........
the coach stepped in closer...
Blake began to open his eyes:
remembering the night before -- he reached over to kiss me....and pull his varsity jacket tighter around us...all in the same motion, his mouth about to grace mine...his lips just grazing mine, and then his head turned....to look upward....
and then whamm -- absolute panic....
"oh my god!!!!!"
we both looked up...the female soccor coach stepped over us both and frowned..."Hmmmm..."she muttered, surverying Blakes hard bone and my butt, as I was laying on my stomache, without my pants on, standing right over us....
my pants were about six feet away on the grass, as well as my boxers and one of my boots, the other one was still on...
"Holy shit!!!!" Mrs Cavanuagh!! whats she doing here??"
blake belted out to me....
then he just yelled...."Fuck! shit-- I'am ---- outta here..."
pulled his pants on and ran home.....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
the both of us -- hung-over to shit and both knowing that now, the entire school would know what happened....
blake moved fast and quick--- pulled on his pants - left his t-shirt laying there beside me and ran....away-----
fast>>>>
just ran away...his body a small dot on the horizon before i knew it....and then disappeared....
"Mrs. Cavanugh...I ah, it was ah -- we -- were ah---"
i kinda fumbled for an explanation and my pants at the time time, i grabbed blake's T-shirt and held it in fronot of my crotch and kinda hunched over, looking into her eyes and knowing there was nothing to explain or say....but then blurted out....
"Its ah -- it's not -- it's not,>>>>>
how it looks....I swear -- really..."
I held blake's t-shirt tight -- covering my dick and tryong to bend over to grab my boxers and pants...and also trying to cover my butt - ah butthole -- while doing it....
then i slipped on my boxers and bolted....and just fucking ran -- outta sight....into the parking lot and got into my pick up truck and drove away....
holy shit -- i just had my honeymoon - kinda -- or something and now i was gonna get a divorce... I knew i'd never really, ever talk to blake again....
we both knew that we were toast...totally found out...that we were butt-fucking fags....
our lives would never be the same...
and they weren't...
blake was a senior and....
>>>>>>>
continued as Sean's Blue Pajamas...
blog address below - Please read on...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
http://seanbateman9.blogspot.com/
or Sean Dirk's Dream blog...
http://dreamblog-kirk.blogspot.com/
Hey SEAN...here....
thnkxxx for reading my blog...
Your wish is my command.....
tell me whats gonna make you happy....
confess what you want....
>>>>>>>>>>>
Access your power -- and change the world...
You were not brought into this world to be tortured by evil heteros....ok man - ? Don't ever forget that....
and don't let anyone abuse you - ever....>>>>
I'll protect you - I promise....
use my power and use your power for good....
the more they attack - the stronger and more powerful...
we become....
>>>>>>>>>>>>
Does the D-list stand for the DICK-list???
Sexxxy is on the inside.....it's an essence -- not a body part...but speaking of...yeah my dick was kinda made to slide into your hole....
and my hole was -- yeah - made to - get - F**ed....
by yeah -- hot dick...
ahhh yep - unrepentant - buttf**ker here....
heheee...yeah....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
MY pics are all ((XXX)) - unlocked....
In my reality - All men are beautiful...
>>>>>> The Rough side...
Hey !
It smells like Mennen "Speed Stick" in here baby...
like the locker room of your dreams...
rough and ready...or suave and kissable...
sensitive and hard in all the right places...just for you...
>>>>>>>
read all about it....
http://seanbateman9.blogspot.com/
http://dreamblog-kirk.blogspot.com/
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The sensitive side...
Recently in my "Straight" job - ah the job I do for cash - as it were -- I was interviewed - instead of a profile - I'am listing the interview here below - any thing else just ask...
Now some questions of my own, if you would not mind. Dont feel obligated to answer any of them - I'am intentionally digging so just tell me and skip it if theres anything you do not feel comfortable typing out. Iam just pulling these questions out -
How would you define your sexuality?
answer - the short version is -- gay - but more precisly queer - if in a spirutal sense of my orientation to the world and people and everything then iam def "queer"
and a "Queer..."
Iam not like other gay guys at all...and generally they dont like me -- or dont wish to socialize with me -- although some a few or many might want to fuck me -- but i just dont identify with them....
on so many levels...
if you mean -- well i guess this question alone could inspire and evening of chat alone for me --
if your looking for the meachanics - i guess of me getting it on -- and what i do with my body -- psyhsical body then my answer is:
ah -- i prefer to bottom...for guys -- yes...
vers bottom...but yes bottom...
iam reticinet to fill a guy with my energy like wise -- as a top b/c i am afraid it would be too strong for them -- and cause a breakdown in their psyche or etheric body that they might not be ready for -- unless theyve done yoga etc...and were preapred for it -
defined sexuality as how i precive the world and my sexual self in it --
??? i will guess this is part of your question or what turns me on -- to people and life -- ?
a few things -- ah sensuality -- warmth
clear eyes
chocolate
rich food
clarity
grass - the kind in a park...:)
humility
anger spoken in truth
power
submission
heat
blue
number one turn on for me --
the way a guy smells...
my sexual receptors are in my nose -- being psychic to the core first of all -- the nose knows as they say -- my face is basically like the reciver of imput and psychic sense -- the right smell of a persons body -- a guys body would make me drop my pants -- faster than anything else and always has...
ok theres some ideas for you about that -- ah -- the other thing is people have been coming on to me -- trying to fuck me or seduce me my whole life --
and i guess this has put me in a certain relationship wi the world i move in - i ended up making it my power -- ah - out of survival...
because i had to -- or perish from being what ?
having my lifeforce sucked from me completly --
but in specifc ref to --
my sexuality ?
ah -- -- I kinda AM sexuality --
I'am sex...in many - many forms....
sensuality, knowing - I give pleasure, the sound of my voice...the way my body smells - i smell like sex, it's in my eyes and body....my aura...knowing what a person wants - what a guy wants - in bed - top or bottom - agressive or gentle - making love to the person or drilling them through the bed...being rough or rommantic...
ok lets move on here -- ill answer any other specifics nasty or ruanchy or intimate as you like -- be my guest and ask away --
ok -- next
What is something you would like to do but havent ??
this is a hard one -- iam stumped -
i want to drive around the country for 3-6 months with an unlimited buget for the travel ....
Id like to have dinner at the met museum actually after its been closed -- with a personal butler - for me and the man of my dreams -- who ever that may be -- the two of us free to raom the museum at night - and eat and maybe F**k under my favorite painting...
id like to have the experience of a person being -- giving me something without truly asking for something in return -- to see that -- see the persona that could or would do that -- find the guy that is clean and has clarity of thought and action....
What is the first sexual experience with a guy that you initiated?
- his name was Brad -- I was totally in love with him --- I ripped his underwear right off him the first time we had sex....
and on another note - he had just gotten out of jail....
>>>>>>>>
How would you define your spirituality?
wow these questions are intense -- and the answers are not simple -
b/c iam not sure if your looking for a psychic profile or a few words - anyway lets see -
a definition as in a label ?
like budhist or chrsitian or something larger like -- what makes me spiritual or -- ?
there are spirits around me and they are guiding me and have always been there -
my only alleigiance -- is to authenticity --
speak from your heart and you will know "god"
What do you believe your purpose here is?
ive always considred my time here a punishment for doing something "wrong" since i was young -- as if i took a wrong turn in the galaxy somewhere - and ended up in a psyhical form -
the Brother form Another planet -- if you will...
like a working vacation-- there has always been a responsibiltiy and a weight -- that i have never been able to lift -- off of me -
karmic ?
its terrible -- i have thought of ending my life several times because of these things - heavy --
my purpose is to teach -- and help other advanced souls here -- for communion --
i thought i would find acceptance form other gay guys but no i found alienation and victimhood - and drama so i stay away from most gay people in general -
my purpose here -?
to enlighten -- that is -- to wake people up -- shake them up --
I'am the person you meet before a major transition of your life --
iam the transformer - it has happened time and time again -- i transform people - its heavy - i give them medicine -- pscyhic medicine - by virtue of my chi - my eyes my thoughts --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How do you feel about what you have done so far towards that?
well iam just now coming into the remembrance of my full self and powers but yeah -- iam doing it and have done it for many many people -- psychic consuling -- tarot reading -- listening - asking -- becoming -- yes
>>>>>>>>>>
What are 3 things you feel you are missing right now?
a sane pair of arms to hold me --
2. my true soul mate i believe is not incarnating at this time and is back in our home waiting for me - more on this later - perhaps -
3. trust -- of life or people --
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What is the strongest love you have felt for someone and tell me a little about who they were please?
thats tough -- the deepest connection ive ever felt to anything was an animal actaully -- a rotweiler dog -- that i loved deeply and dearly -- no beastiality jokes please - ah he used to sleep under my bed and protected me -- knew everything i said and understood everything i asked -- my his eyes --
i never thought an animal was capable of that type of connection -- it kinda woke me up -
my heart opened up because of this dog - until then people were like animals to me -- and most of them still are -- i dont think i have to explain to yu that no i did not have a sexual thing for the dog -
it was the purest love i have even seen - it can not be explained - i bonded so complelty with this dog -- it seemed unreal...he read my thoughts truly knew when i was sad or happy or angry -- ah dunno if i could find a boyfriend with half of "Wofey's" sincercity or compasion or trust - --
id marry him ...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
a rommanitc connection with --
strongest rommantic connection ?
there was a guy named Eric -- that i dated a few times-- i was so nervouse to be around him i threw up after the dates....
there was a spirit that followed me for years - and went into guys bodies - waited to have sex with me -- in a snese on the etheric - after a few years i realized it was always the same spirit - same eyes -- but a different guy -- but the same spirt -- it hasnt been around since i broke up with last lover 7 years ago --
>>>>>>>>>>>>true confessions -- ??
I have been having an affair -- one and off for the last 15 years -- ahhh yeah - with a priest...as well..
I'am like wise -- also deeply - deeply in love with 2 different straight guys at work - and one of them I think - well I know loves me deeply as well...the look in his eyes everytime we see each other - well theres no mistaking it --
and the other one is very affectionate with me..
nothing really is ever as it seems -- is it??
Would you honestly say your happy and why?
no --
happy -- No
No --
content -- no
always looking never finding -- always wanting -- but never really having --
no once again see the above - ive comtemplated ending my life here many times -- the problem is not in my body so destoying it will do no good for me -- the problem--
this problem is in my concioussness -- so this is why i dont kill my self or ah my body --
>>>>>>>>>>>
If you could ask any one question to anyone (past or present) except - God - then what would be the question and to whom?
thats easy -- to Jesus --
the question - ""What really happned ?""
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Where and how did you grow up?
I grew up in the OC on the beach...
born in long beach california -- I grew up in Newport...
>>>>>>>>>>
If you could change anything about yourself in an instant
what would it be?
these questions are tough bro --
i dont kno this one --
What 3 songs speak the most to you?
wagner -- ride of the valkeries
the entire soundtrack of the Wall - pink floyd
ive have listned to one song from the American beauty soundtrack almost 1000 times -- according to the counter in my i-tunes -
it is a song -- no words -- by thomas newman -
it is 3 minutes and 6 seconds long -
its called American beauty -- i think
i listen to thomas newman - composer the most -
the songs are sad and soothing --
and the soundtrack to Meet Joe Black - i listen to also
often
i also listen to the soundtrack to Angels in America by thomas newman as well
I love 70s tunes - led zepplin...
What 3 movies speak the most to you or as you said, have healed you?
carnival of souls - by herk hervy
blue velvet -- david lynch
Donnie Darko
>>>>>>>>>>
What does your future look like? And if you could paint it what would the movie of your life look like?
it feels black at the moment - iam not sure why -
the future - ah -
it seems blank -- red -- hope -- sad - sadness -- wanting to be held and soothed -
more of the same i dont think i can take --
its fun but does it touch me -- right now -- no - not really --
i dream of finding money and disaappering -- escaping
i dream of a person that can see me - but not expose me --
Sean
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>More later....
if you dont mind --
will you tell me about your first kiss - ?
to be continued....
if youve read this far and cant get enough then follow this link...
myspace.com/seanbateman9
on the main profile page click onto blog and theres a few weeks of blog entries...
peace and love...
SB
last night the pain in the body forced the words from the spirit...the words are free now - like wild animals...like children...who will run through the world changing everything...
july 2 06
>>> light can not be stopped...
the dust of angel wings...
coating me -- transforming my heart into another light...healing and soothing...
the word - the symbols we have - these are tiny compared to the oceans of light -- the caress of something heavenly...
the glow and luminosity...like stars playing...
like children running free...changing everything...
the gardens full of color and life and the sun waking each flower and tree - yes !
iam your food and love - and all of the humans soothed by the gentle breezes - exposing the true beauty of everything - everywhere...
light can not be stopped...
no - it can not...
the edges of beauty - the fringes of torment...
no - not even these can be stopped..
all contained within my eyes...
the beauty of light -
the torment of darkness...
all within my eyes...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
restraint...
the is not a sad story.
it is not a story with a happy ending...
whatever you find between these pages i think youll agree that we are all finding the boundaries of our limits...
the limits of our bodies and psyches...
the limits can be exceeded.
this is a story of finding those limits and then experiencing the netherworld of what comes after them....
the body is fragile - >
the soul durable and eternal...
the spirit renewable...
it is my hope and wish that you are reminded of these things while you read my story...
it is my hope that you find those limits within - and know there is more beyond that.
icarus
how deeply those who saw your flight loved thee...until you were gone...
i dared...to be clean. to be happy. to cheat satan.
I wanted to be loved...on my own terms...
i dared to stand in the center of erotic love and touch it's power. i usurped it's healing balm for a time...affirming - light upon light come unto me...
i dared to ask for immortality and peace at the same time...
every night the delicious grey demons knocked on the door of my slumbers but i shunned them and there offers to dance in the moonlight...
instead favoring the arms of mortals...and their lustful delights...
each night a new and stronger man containing more light would enter offering to drink the wine...i drank it with abandon and danced in front of the demons and angels --
the devil may care...
this caused them to howl with glee and take note of me...
the simple clue to my demise would dictate that demons could only be attracted to one with such a light about him...
and so...
they allowed me to taste the food of the god's -- bath in the nectar...
all the while the angels felt jealousy...
and the mortals feared for me and cried in awe...
little did i know i was upsetting the delicate balance of heaven and earth...
all too soon i began to dream of flying higher...
the angels around me could not protect me from my own yearnings...which grew...
i ran - and prepared
to fly...
with all my deformities and the lead of my heart
i still had the wonderous dreams of flying...
i could not resist. standing near the edge...
contemplating...and then daring god to stop me...
i jumped.
god did not stop me...
a warmth reserved only for the departed soon enveloped me and then a pause...
quiet. stillness. all movement ceased and...
i began to fall....
from the grace of something cooler that would have allowed me to stay...
all the beautiful bodies pouring out of me like ashes...the eternal gazes into divinity and the rembrance of them would be my punishment...
the torment that i would never see again...
the beauty i touched would never be pure again...
soaring higher -- and then a pause...
falling from the brilliance...
scattering my wings into the ocean below...
i hit the surface...into the cold and clear...
traveling to the bottom...
my story begins...in descent...
the surface calm shattered: the glassy waters
opened and swallowed me with delight...
the horizon above could only whisper that i had been there: holding me as it were only then to release me and fall evermore...
slow and floating within the icy liquid - freezing my hope...my lifeforce...my blood -
my wings gone...
had i died at this point it would have been splendid, i could have entered the realm of legends...but this was not to be...
instead...
a new darkness began...
my punishment is to recant the tale...
to live in the memory --
of wanting to be touched by god...
now my only hope - being spared, is that i have earned the eyes of wisdom...
mangled as i'am...but that is for you to decide...
repenting here...is not a chore...
it is my destin
y...
my repentance is simply that i' am and was lucky to be chosen andit is here that i give thanks to god for he/she made the demons that seduced me and the angels that healed me...
if one be healed by my new presence then i can be redeemed and surface once more with the "gold" of knowledge...
it is you who can remove my shackles...and allow me to carry the quiet torch.
glowing as i'am...pure and warm..
>>>>>>>>
snatched up from the abyss so long ago...
july 5th 06
living in the solution...
2am
>>>i flew too close to the light i wanted to touch - it almost destroyed me --
and yet iam here now -- all my brilliance like food for you - for your eyes...
the smoke of your wanting -- encirlces and enters...pervades the room...burns another memory for me to save...
surrounded by the water of your kindness in the room that you gave me...
holding me safe...
the power contained in your embrace astounding.
the deformities in love are revealed...until perfection seeks me...
the whsipering night, cool ever cool...
gentle dreams -
now is the time that my poetry flows freely -
youthful - caught in the storm...
for now i must hold the hand of my muse...
she is seducing and loves - she is seducing me to dreams...she touches my forhead like no other...
she is fine and pure...
to whither in her arms would be an honor
if you were to look upon her you would not see beauty... by her need to love me..iam inspired
to make me strong for her words...
the pain of all the curses she endures...not even the rain can wash away her presence...
and still she favors me above all --
by reason or doubt - she consoles in the morninghour...is jealous of a world that could touch me...and i must admit that i love only her...
the pain of being touched is the misery that forces the words from the hands...
the music from the eyes...
how i became worthy i will never know...
and yet iam washed clean everytime...
the torment of her absence makes me more in love...
>>>the first guy who taught me --
maybe it was a dream - a dream of long ago --
the spike bar...late eighties...
saturday night. the bar is packed...around 10 pm.
I'am standing at the bar, near the front door.
i'am trying to relax - to cruise - be seen. i want to touch. have attention. smile and nod. my eyes are everywhere...i feel stares over me. it all feels good and forbidden at once...
the first few times your in the spike bar you know your in the epi-center of testoserone, lust and alcoholism...of a thousand unspoken dreams, all of these men: once tortured and closeted boys now come here to the watering-hole of freedom...
sexual freedom. to look now with eyes unguarded. to feel the brush of skin. meet the eyes. men circling. the smells of leather, man funk, sweat, sex. beer. cigarettes and pain and ecstasy...all swirling around you...
i was 26 at that time. i must have been a sight. ripped jeans. simple black t-shirt. oh so clean and bright...life in my eyes...looking around in awe...
it wasn't long before i was snatched up...
i was a begginer. here was a pro, sliding into the space of my chest and shoulders. he simply appeared. i looked up unguarded. my eyes soft and trusting and wanting him to show me all the secrets. give me the entre' into this strange new
world of carnal delights. secret passwords and dark locations...i wanted to have my iniciation. if this man in front of me was the one to do it and he choose me then i was ready...i was ready for something...
he smiles and remains silent. he is tall...wearing a t-shirt and jeans. his eyes are glossed over a bit from a few beers. his smile is knowing. iam his prey - for now...he can do whatever he wants. i want to rest my head on his chestand he can see this in my eyes...he pulls me into his arms and strokes my back with a powerful hand.
he was bigger than me in so many ways. he knew all there was to know about this place - the men who wandered the streets outside, the boys playing in the bathroom shaking and waving their dicks around,
knew all the pass-codes and doorways to knock on...
he nods and smiles and takes my wrist and looks into my eyes. looks down into me. iam enveloped by his aura of sex and knowing and masculinity:
his eyes said: "your mine."
i was. i was fresh and pure..
a babe in arms...what would he do with me?
he didn't have to speak...neither did i. it was all obvious...
he takes my wrist and i meet his eyes...he gently pulls my wrist down - underneath the bar...and smiles...my eyes widen...the men circling the bar...the crush-groove of looking and trying to see...we are surrounded and protected by the moving bodies...
my eyes widen...his hard cock is out of his pants...
his balls and dick exposed through his unbuttoned fly...the top button on his levis is done though - this makes the blood rush faster into his phallus and hold it hard.
he brings my hand to his member and makes sure i wrap my hand around it to gauge its girth and hardness...then he pats my hand and nods his head again...and smiles the smile i surely will never forget -
his piercing blue eyes clear and warm...
his cock warm...
the heat from his chest warm...
pumping his warmth into me - into my heart.
he smiles that smile...
i grip his cock --
does he want me to suck it ?
maybe in the bar ?
taste the pre-cum oozing steadily from the head?
i explore the length and smoothness of it - trying to take it all in...a body is behind me. men surround me, his penis seems so nice and i ache for it - ache to see it with my eyes...taste it. i will do whatever he commands.
gladly drop to my knees and suck him off. let him fuck me at the bar while standing there...undetected, no one could know, no one would care. my own dick sprang alive:
quick and firm and then became so hard: it knotted my staomche...
i wanted him to turn me around and maybe shove down my pants and slide his cock head up against my butt -
he had other plans....
he winks. "leans his head to the door. "lets go outside..."
soon we are on a side street. in the privacy of the dark - alone - standing against a wall in between two parked semi-truck trailors. no one could disturb us or find us...
he leans against the wall. same smile. same nod of the head. same eyes looking down. i know what i want to do. i lift up his shirt to expose his perfect overbuilt and hairless pecs...
a masculine and distinctly male smell emmanates from his torso and arm pits...
i lay me head onto his chest for a minute and become still...he allows me to stay there knowing how much iam in his trance...his hands undo his jeans now and his cock still hard flies lazily forward and i touch it again...as if an eternity has passed between now and the last time i felt it...
now the ache ever growing. he allows me to find my way...my mouth waters...and i bend to my knees at his crotch...and take the head into my mouth.
the pre-cum is sweet and i taste it slowly...
it truly is like a cream i could never have imagined...sticky - warm...like life...
and then i open my throat to accept as much of him as i can.
i grip the sides of his waist hard holding to gain leverage.
he rubs the top of my head and pulls my head toward his belly as if he now owns me - all of me.
i'am captured forever in his eyes- his smell. his taste. the size and hardness was everything i felt it would be...thick and full. to this day i havent tasted a finer man's cock or cum...
iam melting into him...disrupted momentarily by his hands leaving the top of my head to undo my pants and grab my own cock - once with a sure grip...then satisfied there is stillness...
his hands lift up my shirt - slide down my lower back to push down my jeans, my butt exposed to the night. the air hits my asshole as he spreads my cheeks apart with technique of a pro...opening, exposing, sucking, kneeling, worshipping, tasting: his hands hold my ass firm and still pulling my cheeks apart wider once more until the inner core of my hole begins to know and swell and ache further...
there is stillness and then one of his fingers taps lightly and then crawls into my hole...inches its way inside...
i relax. and arch and move...
he forces his other hand to my chin and slides his finger into my mouth and i suck on it...then he removes it and this finger finds its way down into my hole also...deeper. wet from my own mouth...
iam light headed. falling - flying...the alcohol from his body wafting into me mixing with the heat-
the pleasure he is giving me...showing me - teaching me to have for his delight...touching my virgin hole, the scared space of my manhood behind my balls...
the place that was a treasure to him - he holds his finger inside and presses hard until i grip around it...he finds a space inside of me - it buzzes - opens everything....
my hole...open the tender luscious light exposed and spilling out..."aww god..."
iam still sucking his cock slow and easy...i lift slightly and move to allow him to go deeper...
which he does...
i moan to the point of climax....
he is holding me in every way a man can...
by instinct i began to furiously jack my own cock...and then...fast --
he shoots a hot stream of jizz down my throat. my body shakes in upheaval. quivers and racks in pleasure...
he holds me down.
he makes me swallow as much of his cream as i can and then staying there - he remains hard -- i brush his shaft againt my cheek...
i descend...fall to my knees...and know: now he is forever my god...
i wish to be closer and thank him...world exploding inside of me...all the channels full of light and pleasure...
he pulls me up and kisses me hard and deep and long...iam his rag-doll limp and intoxicated...
then without warning he pushes me back away from him and then stares...to solidify the wound in my neck...to pierce me one last time with his stare...
tatto his name and image onto me...to say -- "forever - your mine"
- he takes his fingers to his nose...and breathes in the smell from my fresh young ass...judges it fine indeed...by the faint smile of approval.
i wait.
another deep savoring of the gift my hole gave and wrapped onto him...
he smiles. "yeah - your hot."
then he pushes me away. puts his hand flat onto the center of my chest and pushes me away.
"your fucking hot." betraying that he felt me worthy...
when you want it - you know where to find me..."
my hole forever his...
there would alsways be a small part of me that could only be satisfied by him...he made sure of this..
how many times i dreamed that he fucked me - that he took me home. kissed me longer. let me smell his arm - pits...
get fucked in the alley where we stood...
how many streets i wandered trying to conjure him again..
always his eyes watching me. watching what i will do with his hole...
everything begins with him...the first bite. the one who made me...was strong enough to keep me all these years...his spell so clear in my body it never dissipated...
he is the one.
he choose me.
every other man is pale compared to him.
the head vampire.
the most powerful.
the warmest and biggest cock...
i dream of him every night...
his eyes follow me and never leave...
it is him i see in the fever-dream of my conversions...
his arms wrapped around me in the transformation...
his sublime blood and delicious juice inspiring my change...
surging forever now through my soul...
his power is my power - iam beholden and his brethen - in his coven...
his power gave me the strength to survive..what is happening to me now...in the dark-light of becomming the "new bred" i pray he is proud of me -
like father to son...only he can hold me - heal me or destroy me...iam for him alone.
to this day he instructs me and i never forget his eyes...
in comparison through the years he was not kind nor angry...he was warm and powerful...
always warm and powerful...
iam his.
the bond only stronger...
he is the beginning...
the head of the coven...
he would be proud of all the fine men i brought into the fold...
he is the origin of all heat within me...
he loosened the knot in my soul..
put me in his cage - but freed me to the world...
he was my lestat. iam his louis...
he started my fire.
i will always long for him...
sean
test --
