do not resuscitate --
are you ready to go ??
are you ready to go ?
are you ready to go ?
the knot untied --------------------
flashback to a dream -- a memory
charles two summers ago --
the doctor morphing into three faces then two then one - with a white halo around her body...
"you have to fill these papers out..."
and then a shot of morphine....
striaght to my head...
a long hallway filled with light angel sanchez pushing me
down the long - unending corridor --
until the walls disappear -- and the floor disappears and then we both fly off the edge into a strange white oblivion
and fly away --
i was finally there -- i had reached the threshold -
although i had to emaciate my body to get there --
i never could get it together to accumulate enough pills - or get the prescription
figure out the when and where - and then always the thought -- "whoose gonna find my body?"
it seemed unfair -- unfair to give someone that memory and unwittingly involve them in my pain and life -- so i held off --
put it on hold -- death on hold..but always begging me to step forward - always running away from it but also to it and now here it was -- within reach...
it is true that two extrmemly intuitive people had both told me in the past that spirits wanted my death - they were in love with me -these spirits --
dark spirits that liked me - loved me - were amused by me and would go so far to hang around -- trying from the other side to impress upon me -- influence me to take my life...
now here i was on death's doorstep - it would only be a week now maybe two -- i was pratically holding death's hand and yet another set of spirits circled...
spirits of light -- the ones who i knew were true and love me in another way -- the ones who stopped me from taking a knife to my wrists several years ago---
i felt there warmth around me -- knew they were evolved beings -- knew they wanted me to escape the circular thinking i had gotten myself into and the "tapes" that played in my head night after insomniac night -- until dawn the tapes played on a high volume repeating track:
escaping my head -- seeming to almost fill the room and suffocate me -- pull every particle of air from the space...
the tapes. the voices. the voice --
they//it always said the same thing:
"you dont really have a value here--
your in your 40s -- you missed your mark --
you have no success or
no one will ever recognize your talents...
youll have to comprimise so bad that the work wont even be yours anymore...
your father hated you cursed you -- thats the way it goes -- thats the way it is this time --- better to start over or take your chances on the "other side...
you never get away from me-- you wont escape your punishment...your never going to in and your neveer going to get away...."
i want out
i want out
i want out
fuck i want out --
a bottle of jack daniles was always in my favorite suicide day dreams along with a few barebacking huslters-- rough - fucked up sex in a hotel room at the hotel chelsea....yes a part of me lived in that hotel room for many years now -- sitting on the edge of the bed --- ready to take the pills - pull the trigger -- or pay some stranger to strangle me -- sitting there waiting -- in the dark -- a lone blue light bulb perhaps emmananting from the bathroom lighting the freeze frame --- on the bed -- sitting - waiting --
sitting there- frozen
just staring at the blank sheet of paper on the night stand and the pen poised next to it -
i try to write the note - but i can not and so in my dream - my vision where upon i climb into the chariot of death -- i never write the note...and because of this -- because i dont know what the note would say -- i never do it --
the head doctor broke my thoughts...
handed me a sheet of paper -- you have to sign the "do not resusciatate paers...." she said flatly --
i signed them and handed them back -- "do you understand
that you checked the box that says:, "under no circumstances -- do not resuscitate...in the event of ...."
"yes i do understand and know what i signed -- " the mosrphine swirling around -- her halo growing whiter --
"if you get a flat line in surgery or something then were not allowed to even try to save your life -- we have to walk away...we catn even massage your heart and try to get it beating again..."
i looked up - white fog was everywhere -
"ah yeah -- i know...."
dosed as i was i could see the machine turning behind her eyes -- grief - sadness - anger -- questions -- how does a person get this way -- what has happened to make this man want to go - to die -- to give up --
"yeah i know -- ok ?" i repeated trying to convey through the years of laid heavy pain, my body wracked by a vauge and over there numb-ness -- always coming but never arriving --- doom and the end game -- thoughts not of suicide but the end of life that last five years months minutes knowing you fucked it all up --or something like that -- regret sooner or later knocking on ur door and laughing at you ---
never seeming to get or find some comfort or love or understanding -- there was always offers for sex -- always that -- but people around who understood?
who werent so buried by their own insanity that they had the two minutes to stop attacking you and look up and send some warmth your way -- yeah - sometimes - it was rare- it wasnt enough to save me -- i wanted to go -- i was tired
>>>i didnt find love - success or my purpose -- uncountable hours and prayers that were unheard or unanswered --
"no i dont want to be resuscitated..."
and then added...
under any circumstances...rage well up in my eyes----and then they began to water...no iam sure -- a half grimmace and i turned my head the other way --
maybe if i hadnt been chased home from school for ten years being called "the fag"-- maybe had my father had some warmth for me -- my insame mother hadnt disappered or returned -- maybe my art got recognized...a book published - maybeif the sum of my life wasnt spent thinking up revenge on my father...whichever one he was --
perhaps if i found a guy that got me or we just clicked and stayed together...built something...
the highlights of my life and time here were poems whispered into the ears of my lovers in dark alleys and back rooms...or time spent wanting to know god -- this is a solitary business -- something only another seeker would understand -- and then the voice - the tape -- youve failed at everything but basically getting fucked -- ah one way or the other -- it wasnt about being a victim -- i tried to win every fucking day -- my number came up -- but this number was the death card -- not true love or the lottery or the dream job or the husband you always wanted --- the card said -- sorry its not your turn...
the room exploded into a haze and then the bed began to move down the hall...and i heard an echo of a voice that said or maybe asked -- "you ready to go..."
it was angel sanchez...gazing down at me with love -- we passed corrodor after corrdior -- a song played in one hallway -- "the spirit in the sky..." the introduction to the song creeped along with the sqeeking whells of the moving hospital bed -- and seemd at once everywhere....until the words began -
"when i die and i lay me to rest -- gonna go the place thats the best...going up to the spirit in the sky --
thats where I'am gonna go when i die...."
the hallway before me was empty - and went on forever and ever and ever - nothing but white -- white walls and white lights and then there seemed to be a trail a white flower petals....below -- hallucinating -- into another world -- "are you ready to go ??"
angel sanchez's face above me and the swirling lights passing by turned into the devil - into love -- into my father mother -- boyfirend -- sex partners --every sad face i had ever seen -- all the beuaitufl children that brought tears to my eyes-- the oceans - the skies, the flowers - the addicitons...the rage...the world -- as we traveled now a million miles and hour - on morphine we laughed and went over the edge and flew away --
"yes. i'am ready to go..."
>>>>>charles -- eastside -- lightning storm
a man who can not remember who he is --
i come to - and see the vsion of a red headed amazon towering above me -- "iam helga --
"iam here to help you - "
"if you wanna help me go get me a cigarette..."
she shakes her head and looks down...holding a pile of cream colred files --
