seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Letter to Steve Jones"

letter to Jones on the facebook
august 30th 2008

have you figured out your double bi-polar - ah dammage in rehab and have you gotten fucked by any drunks hotties -

???????
pray tell.......

jones your the one that dis-connected from me with that BS excuse about not getting cell phone reception....

my phone is the same - and if you were not in conecticut youd be going to the nine inch nails concert with unlce kirk in philly this week end.....ha!

I love you man - !
in spite of how fuked up u are - call me bitch!!!
love kerber
 

Steve Jones
August 29 at 4:41am

You love to deflect the hurt and the pain.......for you and the dog this can all be a game. Easy, trite, distanced........never let them see what is really there. Ya....hey Bro. Did we really do that? Let's never really talk about it .....the way we should.....that would mean tat something real happened. And still I long
Lust
need
want
 

Steve Jones
August 29 at 4:53am

I go to bed tonite thinking only of you of alll the
men that enter take have make twist feel hump suck spit lick smell touch YOU YOU YOU
Why can't I stop,,,,, and I think ,,,,,,,and I turn ......and I see .......and I think.........and I yearn .....and I want.... and I miss and I love but what why is you???? the mystic jew with scarry eyes that see too much and wants too much but doesn'tsay a word......just looks and laughs and smokes and postsand goes on and on and on Why Love WHY LoVE LoVE lovE Ilove
 

Kirktv Avatar
August 30 at 10:42am

bro -- iam glad to see you surface again....
and well discuss this on the landline -- mystic jew with scary eyes...
i think you meant to say the eyes of the sage,,,,,,i was born this way - its in my file - dunno.....

you are talking some shit !!!
bro bro - the dog is my magic pooch -
I was choosen for what no one knows - but iam choosen for something....
a woman at work said that once to me - its obvious - genet and Dean are my confidants....and muktananda....and guru Mayi....



what ever my energy is the transmutor - ala sexual alchemist - stop trying to dissect it and me --

you know this - hahaa quiet smile and laugh...

and ps how would you like to walk down the street and know what ev everyone is thinking ??




i really am the child or no one -- not even myself.....

kisses from phiily -- ill be home tonight after 11

peace brother........
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Steve Jones
August 30 at 11:15am

Peace Out I have to work tomorrow and will be in bed early. I will try this later. Have fun at the concert
 

Steve Jones
August 30 at 11:58pm

Thank You for the Temple of Light. Really nice.
Fuck you and all the alchemy bullshit......you're a whore.. a cock whore!! That in of itself makes me fucking wild. I love you for that. But past that---- I love you because I know you like a favorite sweater, or a great pair of jeans, or the smell of a favorite gym. You are my past, you know all the stories. I'm not a ghost with you. I LOVE your VOICE. I love to hear you speak talk laugh scream yawn blow smoke & dick. I just want to keep writing. i can't talk. Please keep posting things here. Let me keep getting this out. I want Love
 

Kirktv Avatar
August 31 at 11:25am

your prose is quite descriptive and poetic...
you seem to have alot of passion around our friendship and history....
may i remind you that even mary was a prostitute....

:)

praise jesus....

there is a "chemical" stirring/mix of energies which basically evoke the "Devil" card in the tarot....
nothing is un-related....
all things are connected....
and inter-related.....having said that.....

have you read my latest blog entry on Sean's profile called:
"Dancing with Androids..."

if not -- here it is...


dancing with Androids///////////////

t

he train to nowhere...


spinning dreams for all my lovers
tonight -- medicated and numb...
the battle field of my body 
life. 
long ago...
poetry filled my eyes...
the breezes were always just right...
the night was never cruel....

once...forever ago...stars...and skies


life was poetry...filled with nuances that you understood...that formed you -- 
now 
on this train to nowhere -- dancing with androids - 
frozen in a dream...
paralyzed by a past that wont forget me -- 
by the poetry i cant forget or process or understand - 

the scuffed green walls of the long hallway
the blues in a sex club...
the red bar i went to everynight...
the colors seeped into my mind over and over and over...
they were so rich and layered...even the pain was something new then...
as if life had given me too much beauty -- 
but now i was -- time was -- stopped - on this train -- racing into the night...
drinking - medicating, forever wanting -- 
something...
sitting there -- 
in front of the android -- fixed into his gaze...
pouring me another glass of sorrows and promises...

the android - handsome -- pulled from my dreams...
the air never really stale but never fresh...
the lights never changed...the sounds muted...

my android partner always gazing toward me in the same caring, loving -- drowsy manner...but he didn't feel....
never came toward me to strike me or embrace me - 
only stared back...
and then the drinking and the medication took over -- failed to be an enhancer for all the rest -- 

now i need the medication to stay alive --
to create me
to make me breathe - 
to make god love me...
love me enough to punish me...

to make life tradgic enough that it will matter 
to create a sensational ending to it all...
the train of night rolling into a future that always meets the past...and continues on...

the android seems to have some warmth but really, never does...but then just his the gaze was enough to continue breathing...
and wondering
what youve become -- and knowing -- from the ticking -- 
the ticking away...
how it all adds up the solitary thought that:
it would probably be better to explode than to burn away...
maybe if one person or star could see you burning alive -- if a person could join you -- or know you -- then your life would be returned to poetry...

until then youll simply be dying -- dying to the world...
no longer an aria -- with a melody - without music 
not even knowing the consolation of whithering -- 
no.
not even whithering into a beautiful knarled tree to provide something of rest -- 
the passage of time...or the surface to carve something into...

as the body hurries along to death 
the mind simply remains...
all the kind words -- and the movements at night -- 

the bodies needs and wants...
the mind trying to console...
the mind forever away - wanting the body but not connecting...
always frozen - forever like ice...
always beautiful
yes - something always beautiful...
and never dying....
like the android...always moving and gazing but never dying...
like machines - inside - blue lights - flashing...
but not thinking -- ever again...
and yes...beautiful...
machine

s on a machine - run by machines...
returning to become...
the ghost in the machine....
on this train - where love doesnt matter anymore...

this is what regret has in store for you...
this is what happens when you follow a path filled with wanting...
touching the walls and wondering what they look like on the other side...
watching your body lay on the cool tile floor...
watching them trying to breathe life back into you...
a bottle of pills scattered around...the blue bed of life...and you alone and far above....drifitng into the stars...
and far above you realize...
you are one molecule in the scheme of eternity...
but youve found your soul...

it really never mattered what the body did or was doing...
it was always beautiful...
always beautiful...
you found your soul....and it was potery....

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Steve Jones
August 31 at 9:02pm

Beautiful.....the last two lines are stunning. I mean that.

Fuck you for being so patronizing, so egotistical, so glib with my "feelings" and "our friendship".

I got sober and with all my heart I was doing all that I felt was right. I then met you-- no no no-- after being stalked, yes stalked.....I was cornered by you and all those shockingly beautiful features. You came at me like a lion going in for a swift kill.

But you used those sweet little boy glances--- kick my foot--- hands in my pocket--- aw shucks tactics-----After giving in to your incredible ability to gnaw away at a person's soul; I fell hard. You literally left me paralyzed with joy, elation, excitement beyond description.

And like clock work I was shunned.... told to go away ....I was taking too much from you. Sucking at your soul.

All I wanted was what I thought I had seen.


Was I really that far off. Was it me that was wanting too much. Was I sucking your soul or had you gotten what it was you wanted and couldn't take it. Was it all too much Too glaringly real.

If I was "It" then you would have to show up. Be responsible ........and truly care about another...... not bend to those base instincts that run you.....take you off into week long sex binges.....all those things that help numb your pain.... forget the truth ......not care

Love is shocking and harsh and common.

Loving another becomes a mundane everyday experience in sameness. Not fresh/ not exciting/ not new.

Seeing the full spectrum of humanity in another is love. All the bad
all the fuckedupness
all the need
I see that now ....much later in life.... haven been beaten down by my disease ......left with nothing ....stripped of all. Hindsight is so clear

I still love you. Love you love all that is fucked up about you
all that is twisted and shocking.
all the scams, all the veiled truths,
all the sweetness and good and caring
all the life

When I look away to think about you I still feel my soul being lifted up and out

Its as if I'm going to explode with pure joy.

Fuck You!!!!
 

Kirktv Avatar
September 1 at 12:59am

well jones....ah - perhaps history might bear out another version...heres a few...
and you cant take anything into account with taking Danny into account...
number...one...
there was a heavy triangulation effect....on all three parts....nuff said...
you also disappeared for like a year....after you lived on 46th street as I recall......

without a sound.....or a goodbye....
just gone....

then showed up again like no time had elapsed....
only this time danny was your sponsor - i think knowing the history you could understand how i wouldnt want a BF that was being sponsored by him at that time....
fair enough....yes weve rehased all of this
and the truth is even for me being 24 years sober this august first - thanks for the phone call btw.....

that I would have a clearer recollection of some of it all of it or most of it - you - me danny david - peter angel - my frat-bro Greg...and a few dark nights inbetween but I dont --


alot of my life ---- nothing is that linear.....

the nights in the sex clubs - with you or without -- the faces of men...
you there and then not there....

you helping me with some groceries during one breakdown and a few talks only to come back with -- exact words:"Kerber you owe me!"
and I want some cash....
and i gave you the cash....didnt i ?

eventhough i think you ended up telling me you picked up on that trip or was well on your way at that point....
my reticense at your reluctance to really work a program pre-rehab....

and all your fair weather tiffany buddies from the upper west side...but when the chips were really down - you called me - to come over and rescue your ass...which I also did - no questions asked....

so you see - no its not all how you remember it either....

your insistance that your version of what happened in the past or on any given scenario was the only valid and true version and your supreme - imperative that I "cop" to it all or validate your version of the stroy you provide on any given story.......

things are not that linear nor factual - on anything....
but my intention is not to live in the past inventory - but to acknowledge that ir exists in varied and myriad colors and or details....

give up the fight and whats left - ?
a friendship...fuck you and your unrequited love BS scenario....
you worked me over just as many times as I did you and i can own my half....
that whole peter angel thing....
you wanted him to destroy me -- and for years you wanted to destroy me for so many unspoken reasons - some of which ill keep guessing at....


I had no idea that you could be so prosaic in your thoughts - i must say - that is impressive....
what I liked about you - you were always interested in my art....and what I was doing and why --

or writing -
i did kinda of dig they way youd just show up -
i remember that time in the porn shop where i ended up 12 stepping you on going to caron...
i also remember the night we spent together of which i got no sleep at all....because you acted like a fucking psycho all night and then finally left at 6am....

so now your what a year clean - not to mention that i always suspected after a certain point you either were not clean or def not working a program...not a judgement but an observation -- as if to say -- jones just isnt ready to get real or doesnt want to do the work or isnt ready right now ....you always wanted that kind of precise presence from me eventhough you were never there to begin with and only now are comming to.....

right ??

steven - its a long convoluted and twisted and historical friendship and brotherhood and love affair all ways and even side ways with you --

part of me does love you and part of me hates you as well......

as ps - it was you that basically told me this last time around
oh - I dont reallyy get cell reception up here so - well just have to talk whenever....that was you dissappearing on me....

not the other way around....just to get that clear in your mind....
its up for grabs and no i have no regrets....

i can honestly say that i have no other relationship as complicated - historical intense or what ?
as the one i have with you .........

i want you to go to caron fuck head !
if you really wanna know what is feels like to be present -- then go ahead and make my day....
and after that if you really wanna talk then id consider all the words from you as valid and clear - until then i think youve muddlled a few details to bend to what you need to believe about me or you....


love kerbs

and ps - what was that fuking incest rape scene all about - that one night ??

that was supposed to make me trust you ??

go ahead - fire back.....

K




 

Kirktv Avatar
September 1 at 1:21am

ps -- soul --suker - ??

in the beginiing i was trying to get to know you
you on the other hand - wanted to be me....

typical actor that you were at that time....

and yeah you did kinda act like a valley girl.........
which iam sure freaked me out -
ok bro -

>>>>>>>>>>> so it goes...........

dannys prolly laughing his head off right now looking at both our lives....

whatever......
snappy - like i said iam glad you surfaced again.....
dont live in my inventroy without telling me your own issues jones - youve got some.....



 

Kirktv Avatar
September 1 at 1:27am

now i just meditated - ok - Iam glad that you have decided to relate to me your version of the details of our early meeting...yes - I will admit back then some of what you say is true - thats how i operated and was accused of that a few times...

and i recovered and thats not how iam today....
nor you....
love
 

Steve Jones
September 1 at 1:58am

Fucker I just lost a fucking huge response because of that stupid Chatr bullshit Goddamit. and I was taking credit for my behaviour in it. Did by some act of god did you get it?
 

Kirktv Avatar
September 1 at 2:49am

no
 

Steve Jones
September 1 at 4:25am


Steve Jones
September 1 at 11:44pm

I'm so tired. I wanted to give you my epic response to your "well jones" response. I lost it originally so i will try to recreate it.

I can be a mean asshole. i know that. it is how my family treats the ones they love. If you can take the rage and hate and still stick around that must mean you like (love?) me. I'm not saying that is right but it just is. I'm aware of it and trying to look at how I operate in that and how to circumvent it in the future.

I've always loved and respected your art. I treasure all the pieces you have given me over the years.

One of the most touching moments in my life was you talking to me about what to do with all your art if something should happen to you. That truly helped me understand that there was something deeper than friendship between us. Just because I have not fully realized my potential does not mean I'm not an artist. I keep that in the closet. they kill fagots in Texas that make art.
You coming to see me in the hospital 2 summers ago was also a power moment. I really love you for showing up for that.

I disappear on people all the time.
It is in my fourth step and all though I haven't put you specifically on my 8th step, I'm going to try to do a 9th step with you.
I've always just run out on people that I have had intense (on my side) sexual relationships with. Once it gets to certain points I just don't get what i need and i honestly can't express that to the other person so I just leave.......run away .... not face having to voice my needs and feelings. I didn't get to do that in my home.
I had to manipulate my mother for attention by eliciting sympathy. You were too smart for that and I couldn't have you the way i wanted you. I want you to need me desperately and include me in all your sexual ventures and then kiss me goodnight and make me feel safe.
That is unrealistic bullshit and I know that. I am still getting clear on what are honest needs and wants and what are delusional.

To this day I still jerk off to encounters with
YOU and Peter Angel
(and one has to always use both names with him)
and me and greg and how FUCKED UP all that was. It was way too hot. The mind game thing was way way wayhot back then.
The incest rape thing was honest in the moment.....another head trip that was hot and nasty and fun and over the edge........and another way for me to show how completely committed I wanted to be........ with you.

I believe that personal perception IS reality. When two souls collide a multifaceted explosion occurs that makes it very difficult to know what is the "true story" what is bullshit and what just is........

Thank you for the addendum after your meditation. Know that I have 16 months clean and am trying to earnestly to be a better sober person....Caren ain't what it use to be just as the meetings on Upper west Side aren't what they use to be. ************************
Time erodes and shifts and moves and molds and changes most everything......except love....that stays eternal.
 

Kirktv Avatar
Today at 2:47am

well I suppose that covers many - most of the moments....
comments and the mists that have mixed thru the years...
it would have been nice if you could have ah....pulled your head out to come and sit with me a few nights of the nine months I was in bed after being diagnosed.....you lnow that i had to ice my legs every night for the first 2 -- 3 ? months because the fever was in my legs....and it was mind bending and I had no pain killers - I think the doc was afraid Id take them all...

so he just skirted the issue and then i got a bag of vicadins which i grew to loathe - actually becuae of the taste it leaves in your mouth,,,,
i think you dropped your guard finally that afternoon you called and asked me to help you clear out your aprtment...

that was an interesting day -- that I will remember....it was like seeing you for the first time....
you always seened a bit witholding when it came to your family except in the last few years...


more and more it made sense and now still more....

do you know where your life will go from here - from there?

it seems iam in yet another desert of nothingness....
only this time iam also unmotivated as well to the point of apathy - a new phase -

its a nightmare....i had coke signals for three weeks around my aniversary...and
placed a 40 something tudor city socialite into a west palm beach rehab....after a few calls of intervention....that kept my interest a few moments but now that shes gone - i feel lost somehow....


gone
lost
haunted

i think its time to break out my pastels again.....dunno




why dont you go and get some paints and sketch pens - and see what happens...

??


its good to hear you speak like a human about your feelings and the clarity they can bring...

i can say that i love you - even miss your rants or mine around you or at you........
in my kitchen............



the rest is unwritten........



it seems a good start.........