seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Boner at Blockbuster..."

all dis-ease is a lie
my vital energies are being replenshed
my blood is clean ---
keep the love - dump the dis-ease
4-25 - 10:30am

slept 6 hours !
today I start taking the stickie notes off certain things and placing them back in their previous places around the apartment..
apparently the mild liver cleanse cleanse seems to be doing the trick - my itching is low grade today - still there but i dont feel compelled to scratch. the "skin scarring" on my stomache flanks, right elbow, upper thighs and claves seems to be healing...

I decide to take one milk thistle every other day and juice with apple - celery and beet, a known liver cleanse....on the aternate days.

the weather is crisp and clear almosst touching 60'. sems to bring hope and the promise of spring renewal....

mantra for the day:
the dis-ease in my energy that doean't belong to me is leaving in peace and safety...

>>>4-21-
my libido is starting to come back -- it seems obvious my sexual energy has had time to replenish and even collect, in the almost six months of abstainence
this translates into two dangers,
the first is slipping back into my
"sex - nicoteen - internet - hook-up addiction"
-
at the least, compulsive masterbastion, downloading internet porn for hours, or worse a trip to the porn shop video booths or a downtown sex club, if i choose to abstain from the tingling and arousal in my loins then I'am compeld to chain smoke and pace about the apartment....neither of which would be a wise choice...i stay on course keeping my impulses from turining into behavior i will regret....
I think it "all the way through," as they say in recovery programs...

I've heard that physical recovery alone from the effects of sex addiction are exhaustion, insommnia, and irritation to rolling anger anywhere from 6 months to a year...which would make sense now that I'am at the six month mark in my celebecy....
I decide to return a dvd - "memiors of a geisha" to blockbuster...in lieu of jerking off or wandering along eighth avenue....

I'am filled with rage and testoserone as I make my way up eigth avenue to the DVD store and as to why i havent a clue, perhaps all the DHEA i was spiking into my system is relasing from my cramped up muscles....

while at the store searching for a new dvd to rent I feel a random arousal in my groin and suddenly my cock begins to harden for no reason....
I havent had a full errection in the last four months other than the two times I jacked off which took a long time to achieve:
and never upon awakening which was the case for a good 20 years...every day upon awakening that famliar ache in my balls, blood flowing nicely into the head of my cock, the rise in the duvet uncovered - I usually began the day with a quick release...
these days I wake up to night sweats and itching...
I'am wearing a pair of sweat pants and no underwear - its around 11pm which was about the time i logged onto manhunter looking for sex...for the last three years -

as an interesting side note i feel it's worth mentioning here that this particulair blockbuster was once the entrance to the "adonis theater" - a grand holdover from the halcyon days of stage theater replete with red velvet draps, golden cielings and a grand dusty chandaleir: falling into disrepair in the 80s it became a legend in manhttan with sex addicts and curious first timers, listed in gay guide books and internet websites....
the balcony hosted a disorganized orgy for anyone who wandered up the stairs...from noon to midnight. and yes there was porn - gay porn playing on the movie theater sized screen above the main stage....had you inclination you could spend a few hours there and not even know it.....
now the adonis is a nationwide corporate
dvd rental store --
i pace the islses looking for a different kinda of entertainment ----

if you were a patron in the store and glanced my way it would be obvious there a glaze in my eyes and a heavy bulge rising in my sweatpants.
my body starts to relax and my mouth begins to water...
I try to shake it off but at the same time I haven't had any energy in my groin like this warmth for a few months: it is soothing and calming: the chemicals being released in my body are the reason why people become sex addicts....a chemical process begins in the body upon sexual arousal that is akin to relasing herion into one's blood....
>>>these chemicals are now flowing throughout my body which has been racked with pain....cramping and nausea for the lasst three months.
I feel close to orgasm...as I gaze into the dvd sleeve before me on the shelf:
"the fight club."

I resist and choose to browse the animated cartoons such as batman and spiderman --
walking gingerly so as to not rub the widening head of my penis against my sweat pants...
the last thing I need is to be spotted by another sex addict which are in abundance in this part of town - I live in whats left of Manhattans porn district and if I've learned anything about my self in the last 18 years of living here it would be that i'am just a boy who can't say - "No..."
NO - the last thing i need tonight is some hot - wall street- abercrombie stud with a big hot dick and willing white-boy ass
spying the eight inch errection I'am sporting in the "action-adventure" isle...
and offer an invitation to his near by apartment...
this would be the match to the dynamite that I don't want...
frankly it is my experience that when your trying to abstain from this type of anonymous encounter guys flock to you from out of nowhere -
most of the time they are pulled right from your hottest dreams, in essence the type of guys you dream about: kinda dirty, three day beard - but sexy: direct with a disarming "devil" grin that says - "it's big and gets really hard ...just for you...lets have some fun...cmon lets go....well do whatever you say....just follow me to my place..." all communicated with just a wink and light tug of his crotch....and nod of the head...
I always gave in more than I resisted...
you might ask if i regret any of those choices even with a rolling - scalding case of HIV I can't say that I do.....
my knees are weak...
I feel vunerable, i feel my cock beggining to ooze pre-cum inside my pants, that familar warmth circulates in my stomache, I try to breathe....

(many blockbusters are known cruise spots in midtown for quick sex....before midnight.)

my half hard dick lingers at half-mast as I wait in the checkout line...

I grab a bag of reeses mini p-nut butter cups and open them, I toss two of the minis into my mouth -- my entire body convulses - like a shiver and heave in my groin almost causing me to ejaculate...but I don't.
I sigh unwittingly -
the register clerk calls out - "next..." and waves me over....
I rented "capote"
and
"kinsey"