Seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Christian my lover thru Time..."

Christian my love from another lifetime....
updated 2-24-07

>>> enclosed below -- a rolling e mail dialougue from My space website with a guy named:
Christian....



me to him -- 2-24-07

>>>dear Christian - @ myspace...
its six AM over a crisp clear -- biting cold manhattan sky...
i awake -- my body nearly paralyzed from the two Ambiens the valiums and muslce relaxers and what?
the mind numbing ideas that float in and out of me...
and still I awake...NO -- still in the winter slumber of this month -- still I can not sleep....

I lay here...my eyes water...
I can not cry --
I can not makes sense of the tne lifetimes that has passed beofre my eyes in this body...
I'am a vampire... a child, a poet, words and images -- water rushing, all inside -- outside, around my bed...

a calling...
ten lifetimes..
other loves...many of whom -- still emmante from the body...as if our loving making transcends all time...
as if it were alive...the eyes, the sensation of love -- pouring forth and about and around, like the hours...and the waters...

filling up the room here...
the hours...
the flowers on the table - white, and the flames of my love, all my loves but one particulair, --- whom i know resides forever in my heart...who is from me -- and he and I will return to God together sme day...
but he -- was then -- in another body...a woman -- stunning and angry...

I was dashinng -- and handsome beyond...she is in a room of wealth and finery...
is having a fit of sorts - the kind that made me forever fall in love with her...
and melt me into her...
the hours that pass... are nothing, the minutes that fade are nothing ...
compared to what happened inside of me when we made love...
it was like touching fire, like holding the delicate blue of the flame to my breast...

the eyes, entranced and hot and cool and yet warm all at once...

the sensations fo the body...yes..she -- yes forever, yes that lifetime, that house...
and thus she forbades me to enter that room where i stood and entered her...
her raven night -- eyes and china white skin...so fine and bold and strong and poetic and pure...
raging -- again raging...
as i'am time to her...I'am love to her...i'am anger to her...I'am everything to her...
and thus that also means -- that I'am hatred and pain to her...
together we turned every nobleman's and and squires and pontiffs eyes-- all to us...
as if god himself -- had his hnad in creating us two -- now made to be in love for eterntiy...

A torment -- of sorts knowing...that indeed -- you can never be seperated...not torn asunder...
no -- never be as two...from the first hour, the first day -- the first night..and meling...
no
the two were then forever joined...

I knocking...outside and calling to my beloved...and yet -- she does not come...
no she will not...
it was about a boy, who meant nothing to me, and yet it happened all the still...in the stable -- one afternoon, somethat that happens between men, on a hot - warm, all too quiet day...

I promised my beloved an eterntiy the night beofre, and spoke my true words...
I'am -- I was a man of my word and thus having spoke -- she spakred a flame to the candle...

and bit my lip to reveal blood -- but i dint not whince...

\((this is all becoming clear -- but slowly--- THE "Remembering..." in this lifetime i call his name by "Chrsitian..." and of whom i have never met fact to face...

"christian--Christian.."
I suppose it would be inevitable that he would choose tha name -- in this lifetime...since of course it is and always has been the honey to my ears...my favorite -- most coveted of sounds...
"Christian..."

through the strange years of my life...
I -- myself have thought of -- wanted to be called that, but i knew it wasnt my name...yes it belonged to someone i would love forever -- have loved forever, yes i knew -- but as of yet - had not met...

In answer to your query now-- I'am real, and yes he is real...
and yes I can not shake that other lifetime and many lifetimes with him -- and us as two other people...two other bodies...

another time period...
othher than this...

just now --
in this lifetime...
ican feel him thinking about me..under his own sky -- a seperate coast apart...
music in the background...he on a chaise overlooking, the city that makes dreams...
"Christian..." my beloved from so many lifetimes again...

to endure the absence of his kiss...the running away from me through time...
"Christian.." putting on a spell on men... that never whiters...
"Christian..."


yes -- even at this very hour-- watching through the looking glass of eterntiy-- i see him -- as her...
in the room...
and we are locked away in the madness of that other time...
where upon she enters the stable door -- to find us...
the stable boy and i -- in an amourous pose...
I to him, partaking - of his youth, so fine and subtle..and pure it was...
ans she -- her eyes -- now a-raged-- enraged with anger, that i dared to give my seed to another...
i turn-- we turn --
the boy and I and she runs...
runs away to the house -- through the woods...i look down upon him and kiss his forhead, almost sensing that i will never see him again..
and as i run toward her...knowing this indeed will be my last and final night in this body....in this form...
not for having dared to share my lust with another man -- but simply because I belonged to her and only her.... and she, having thus - arrived -- and glimpsing the passion in my face at that moment - at the stable door, was driven to pure and absolute madenss...

A madness she would not recover from - nor ever - be able to cool- or quell...



and thus -- yes through the wooded-- trees that encircled the house, a house where our pact was solidified...
a home off wealth and priveledge...and I ran toward it -- it towering white granduer...knowing that fate had beeen sealed...and soon...it would be in ruins...somehow...
it would all be turned...or lost or broken...

her rage...
the house --
the boy--
my heart...
a fire -- my phallus still heated -- my throat ahcing for what was to come...the punishment i must endure for falling so hopelessly -- truly and deeply and abidingly in love...
spanning across eveything...
my love for her...
i would have been glad to live as a pauper...if only to have that time gain...that day again, in the late afternoon and that stillness in my soul again...

she runs --
I run - i call her name...Alexandria!
but she can not hear - nor see - or know anything excpet that she has been betrayed...
"he is nothing..."

i call to her..."nothing..."
but she can not hear...she is gone -- far -- far into her madness...
and now sparks the flame to a candleabra...
and without a monets notice i see the windows of our most treasued home..
thehome where we entertained, the elite of the world at one time...
the windows... a flame...

"Alexandria!!"
I call out in the foyer...and then beat down -- and hit through - the main -- boudior door where she is...
and i see the flames...now dancing lazily up one side of the wall next to our bed...

and she turns...an ending is near...and our eyes meet----
I gaze upon her and try - as time stops..now forever and ever and always frozen...
frozen even more that the mahattan sidewalks of a few hundred years later...where upon through an elctronic device would recant my tale here for you...

yes...she turns and gazes and time freezes and i utter:
"I will always -- love you..."
and she begins to cry and enters my arms.....her fine pale ---lace gown...now-- a glow -- with those flames and then she enters my arms for the last and final time and we embrace...and go together...
into the heavens and back to the god that created us...
yet burned now togehter...

as muses and angels and water melting and snow falling...as trees swaying and sun coming down...she and I...together...now burned into one...as out bodies from tha time...release us...

and then in the distance..i gaze down to the late afternoon to see the boy watching the house burn to the ground and weep...
and her soul departs mine-- rips from mine..as violnet as every storm combined and diappears inot the heavens...into another body...perhaps into this lifetime-- only still the spell remains..until i feel her again --

now as another name...now as something found that was always missing...

now the final piece of my wanting...forever and ever wanting --something in this lifetime and never being able to grasp what it was...
it was her...it is -- him...

and then when i saw his picture...i saw those eyes...again...encased in a new body -- i knew it was her..
yes i knew it was my other soul-- my other half and my final piece...my own self...melted into her - him so long ago...
and indeed in this lifetime his name: is chrsitian...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

woe to me... and pity to me...and i have endured and suffered for loving him...all these lifetimes...
many of which she-- he never surfaced...


a pain that could never be quelled nor medicated nor - simplified nor purified because as i have told you was born in purity...

and i think that perhaps you might recognize my tale...and although be perplexed as to the why - i recant it spefically to you..i think you will understand somehow..in the latter remmnants of your spirit-- in the wind -- watching as you were...while the two of us burned on that summers day-- your heart forever broken...
alexandria and I -- leaving you as we were - as we did -- so suddenly...and I'am sorry...
andnow make me regrets free and known here to you...
and if the utterances of words having meaning or weight-- or purpose -- here now in this future time...
time time--
a time that truly is forzen within...and for all intents and pruposes does not exist...
then I'am to say here that i'am sorry...
and that I loved you and do love you -- in a much more poetic and charmed and perhaps...less impassioned way than her...
but love none the less..

and perhaps...glancing over your notes here in this electronic space i believe that you are to understand my apology...
and would upon consideration- accept it - for the both of us...and that yes i loved you...
and that your kiss that lone lazy beautiful afternoon was one of the finest that i have had to endure...
yes -- I'am sorry and truly -- as i know anything know that it was you -- on that afternoon in the french countryside...
and Alexandria>>? now named in this lifetime-- Chrisitian..and i kirk...
yes - the two os us..having never met...but me always knowing i would see her again and perhaps you...yes..here we are..again...
so the mending of my heart and yours could be released and spoken and known...

He thinks me mad...for saying or knowing all of this -- today..but it is as real in my soul...and the breath upon my lips and the cold sky aboove...


Today...through the haze of medicines and pain and doubts of this life...it is Chrisitan - was who then Alexandria, a beuaty to her and now to him that transcends time...
and yet each night -- i whisper into the phone -- and yes he thinks me mad and perhaps is frightned by the ghosts i summon to him...

and i call to him and he at times seems to be residinghere with me in my bed and bosom and in the sheets and walls and the oxegen of the space...

Christian..holding power over me still...
and thinking me mad for whispering how deeply I'am in love -- still...from al the other times and bodies...and sunsets weve shared...christian -- will you ever rmemebr that we were born together - must die and be re-born togther foever...never released until we are once again burned back into god's arms...

christian my beloved and everything -- of course -- to say i love you-- has no consequnce...nevermore..

in this life but in know that somehwere you know...
somehwere in time...with the tears that stream down my cheeks...
the hands to my forhead everynight -- the torment of your absence...

in this lifetime -- his name -- her name -- is yes Christian...
and i awash in the pain -- and knowledge...of all the other lifetimes...

i call forth for ye - to remember me now...as an incantation and prayer..and whisper yet another night into the phone and medicate the body so that the spirit may be set free -- to come to you...on the wind...


yes as i have allready -- many times -- now -- in this time since we met again...

and I whisper -- vaugue -- yet pure...
"I love you...." and then lose conciousness...to arrive at your side...

forever....
SB


me to him 1-21-07

Jan 20 2007 12:49A

>>>the greatest gift you can give a person in this life -- is the desire to know them....
no matter how it ends up...of all the people in the world -- that person chose you above everyone else...and you chose them...to know and get to know...
everyone has sane moments, and insane and crazy moments...they come with a bundle of hopes and fears and desires and wishes and wants...and feelings and regrets...and you bring these along to the person you want to know....and slowly you unravel or take out some things and show them...what your about and who you are and the way you are...
and I chose you Chrsitian, my brother and sometimes also incarnated diety -- and fellow "vampire" lover...friend - confidant -- you somehow inspire me to write these sonatas of power and love and eternity and light...I'am not sure how or why but you do---you make me feel safe and somehow that iam worth something...like deeply worth something...and worthy of knowing you -- so yes --Iam not holding back...and your not holding back...and your giving me all your best also -- and i dont know how its all gonna work out or end up but your choosen..by me -- and you chose me also -- and i think and feel that i like this friendship in ways i can not describe here -- not because iam afraid people will read this -- No! were having a love affair here in print everyday -- no because it seems like i cant describe what you bring to me --
you put a spell on me -- i dont know if i belong to you just yet or you to me -- but just remember we chose each other -- this is not the first time...iam ready...
i wanna try to get it right this time...
and yes i feel deep deep, love for you -- and ill never regret saying that ...
ok then -- until you tuck me in and i can hear the honey and light of your voice -- safe and sound bro --
SB

sean
rick
kirk



christian to me --
1-08-07


Through passion
Through pain
I have thought of you

Through the passing of generations
I have longed for the sight of your face

The touch of you
The scent of you

As lifetimes have come and gone, two have remained the same
You and I

The rising of the seas and the decimation of the lands has not taken it's toll on us....we remain untouched

Feelings of lost loves, no longer in our thoughts....because they are no longer lost

They have been found
They have been lingering about for eons
But they have met again

You and I
You and I

christian to me :


Jan 7 2007 5:32A

Through passion
Through pain
I have thought of you

Through the passing of generations
I have longed for the sight of your face

The touch of you
The scent of you

As lifetimes have come and gone, two have remained the same
You and I

The rising of the seas and the decimation of the lands has not taken it's toll on us....we remain untouched

Feelings of lost loves, no longer in our thoughts....because they are no longer lost

They have been found
They have been lingering about for eons
But they have met again

You and I
You and I



>>>my influence is that i will make u realize your power -- and that is -- of course -- the power of love....
SB



1-07-07

>>>I know -
I know your such an incredible person
I know how badly you want
or
how deeply you feel...
I know that destiny has lead us to one another again...
and that in the course of knowing you
I've written some of the most inspiring words I'll ever write
and felt some of the most awesome of feelings for you about you - around you -
or an ache that could only be from many, many lifetimes....

i think...
I think you understand how we both could survive what we have or know what we know
or that our bodies were created from the same soul...

I dont know -
i dont know - how i can surrender to my pain...
or my fears or my lust or my anger
or some vague ideas of when i saw you last...
even though weve never met...

I have such tears of joy to meet you again
and then yet
such a pain -- such a deep - deep wanting of you --
I dont know
i dont know
i dont know
i feel...

i dont know...
when you told me that youd always be with me
no matter what
it was the first time
I ever felt safe...

or solid
or new
or simply just
not weary and old...

how can a man win your heart
without breaking it christian?
how can a person love you with out also wanting to punish you
destroy you in so many ways -- because they want to live with you forever...
forever,
eternity...
always
and again and again
here we are...
on the threshold of light...standing and burning...
terrified and healed
in the darkness and rommance
of everything...and yes inspired...again...

I'am not ashamed
and I don't care who knows...
and we both know...and when
a day untold when our bodies collide and caress...
and hold...I want to melt,
forever again...
and be burned again
and loved again...
and healed again...
by only you...
I dont know what unconditional love is....
I'am not sure i can have it - or hold or or withstand it..
but if i could
then i want to do it with you..
I want to try with you...
I want to try....
I dont know what unconditional love is...or how to hold it or have it...
I dont even think I can withstand it...
but if I can...then i want to do it with you...
I want to try...
Jan 6 2007 10:39P

>>>I dont want to be destroyed
I dont need to be destroyed...
I need to be healed...
I need the strength of your light...
not the power of your rage...
the gentleness of your love...
the understanding of your soul...
if your not afriad of this also --
then you must either be a beast...
or a god...
SB



Jan 6 2007 11:17P

i cant pretend to know what love is -- and iam not sure you do either --is that why we have to be here ?
amongst so much pain...here here in the material world -- in a world filled with mortals, did we run here to escape or play -- or were we bored with heaven...
unlocking each others prisons in hell - and manifesting bodies because we wanted to remember what it was like to cry...
i know you know everything i say and think...and i to you...and now here it is again the hour that we can speak again and touch...touch and be held...
and try to bringr light to something called our hearts...
yeah once again i wanna try with you...and the long trail that has lead here simply comes with my hands full of wants..and needs and a heart torn...but spirit rich...
tell me what or how to feel it Christian.
I know you have my medicine....


SB
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
http://www.myspace.com/rocketboy1632
Date:
Jan 4 2007 11:56 PM

sometimes i so desperately need to hear ur voice
feel that your around me --
protecting me
watching me
thinking of me --
i feel kinda sad tonight and dont know why
i wish u were here to hold me -





dated around -- 12-06


hey bud == maybe you can help me ddecipher a dream I had...there were two handsome strangers in a hotel room around midnight...they were in their underwear -- lounging on the bed together...there was a view of the entire city below them through the floor through windows of the hotel penthouse...the whole thing kinda looked liked a gay...ah Channel sp? commercial....and then one of the strangers...maybe the older one said into the ear of the younger...
"Come -- my immortal beloved...come join me -- and together we will rule the world....."
and then blood was everywhere- the blood of lust and love and demon/angel sex and .....a timeless love that all the angels in heaven were in awe of -----and all the demons jealous....

>>ah yeah -- thats mine....

but you knew that --

SB


>>>>>>>>>

although my body is represented here as mere flesh...
the utterance of words...nor even poetry, here,
would give evidence to the depths of my love for you....

to give my kind, wanton and broken heart - unto
a one, such as yourself...
and yet again - you grace me with your presence....

and when i look into your eyes -- at once innocent and young and fresh
and then older and wise and yes -- now immortal...
the eyes -- yes, of a beautiful...powerful vampire...
a child, a sage, a god.....
my lover...

inspiring men through the ages to destroy themselves
alas...because they were not worthy or your gaze
nay, to say nothing of your affections, embrace - nor yet -- love....

the undying heart you pocess...
inspiring great cities -- built upon the eternities of heaven...
the light of angels
the passions of raging storms....

christian....
by another name -- in this life...
we meet again,

my beloved - wandering the heavens as a souless wraith, lost...confused, broken and then mended and then broken again, from our last meeting...
the torture and tedium of your absence...

the hellish - long night -- of you leaving...the way you did...
my punishment...to always remember you and us -- and everything....
please...


please never banish me again...
please...
nevermore...
I climbed the stairs of every heaven...
knocked on every door and sat alone -- sobbing in the corners of alleys and barrooms and asylums...
waiting -- searching -- and whispering-- "where-ever can he be...?"
and now finding you -- my beloved, my kindred and same soul, light...
i know...

I could not withstand another parting...nor seperation...
from you - those eyes or your sweet -- pained and tender soul --

knowing - remembering...(and) the curse of your absence---
christian...
how many universe did I wander...searching for another love to rival ours -- together, as we were -
but I could not...
No.
it was always -- you
in this life, now, called so, by the name: Christian...
but without name...the one...
whom I was made for.....
always....
always...

always...

come...and join me - my beloved...
and together, we shall rule the world....

SB
I'am there - and you are here....
forever....
SB


Heaven and Hell will crash into one another when we meet. And yes, there will be blood. Out of extacy and not pain...from virtue and not anger. Out of lust and not vanity. Young and older will meet but only in the physical sense....the two souls have know each other for many seasons. They are the same age....but from another time then this.
Christian





Dec 24 2006 8:23A

I would be your Louis in a moment. Two souls locked in immortality. You captivate me like no other. Perhaps it's because you are as lost and yet found as I. Perhaps it's the culture of our upbringing. Perhaps it's the vile and putrid bile of our regreats. You are dashing sir. And very much the romantic......the Empire State building.......the top....you and I.....Ahhhhhh. and the whole damn world watching while fire drops above their heads. The flames decimating their sad lives......
(your reply...)



Why is it that you strike me as being so unhappy?
so sad...

(my reply)

the depth of my wound could not be contained to simple phrases or words scrambled upon a page here
but....
perhaps in another lifetime you were miserable and
and although i would have done or given anything to give you peace and the love you wanted -- you could not accept it --
you cried -- all your days -- and nothing could console you--- not the arms of my embrace...nor the darkenss and light from my eyes....
gifts of my touch....

and then finally -- you refused to see me at all....
staying alone...allowing yourself to whither...and grow infirm...and now over what - i wish i could recall...

and then -
one evening...and so the infirmity had reached your thinking...you raged and threw the lamp upon the wall....toward me...
and a fire arose - perhaps from your anger, or pain...
burning down the house that we knew -- and loved in and grew together in....forever burned into one another...
you and me....
wanting to destroy...all memory of our time there...
wanting to seperate us but during your rage - the heat and fire locked us and our souls together forever - now two halves of the same whole...forever destined to want...or seek or wait...
burned together by fate or god's plan...always waiting...until -- never whole destined -- and made--
for only -- one another....cursed - and blessed as we are and (now) destined to spend eternity together...

and it was you who spoke that I - indeed did not have the depth to love you...
but this was not so, yes, my heart was broken everytime I could not see you smile....
and so expanded many heavens and lands and centuries....

do you remember??

(your replies....)


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>yes you speak now from the soul -- of eternal scalding passion...that i know and love and remember - from all other lifetimes....yes -- i see you know also - that love never forgets...
not the rage - of lightning through our bodies...not the rommance that built temples and fortunes...
nor the universes created from our lovemaking>>>> spinning wildly forever and ever into our dreams....
making the demons blush and the angels cry...
poets have cried - upon hearing of us -- sages have pondered us...and all the small and tiny gods that have come and gone are insignificant compared to our joining...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yes...blessed from this burning and melting perhaps from fate or even god's plan -- or even cursed to be as one -- whole -- or two halves always seeking the other...yes - Christian -- you and I destined to be together -- forever....in other bodies or not -- in other lifetimes or not -- as spirits or not - immortal or not -- there is only -- you and I....and all of this spills out of us...in our boredom and pain...and light...and yes...love...


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ever trying to tell you - not to be so quick to judge the things weve created here but that you should love them simply because we created them together.....

and how many times can we destroy and create?
one another or the worlds around us??
but you know now -- my beloved...

that nothing else matters now --
does it ?
not the splitting -- whipping sands of eternity in all directions...
not the earth below, nor all its inhabitants...
nor every creature that we imagined....in heaven...above...
no.
nothing else matters but only that we join the broken heart of our seperation...
no -- that we marry -- and mend that which seemed broken and forever lost....

that we gaze toward one another again
and meet
and melt into one
holding hands again -- gazes - locked...
and run into the flames together....
becoming the sun....


>>>>>>>>>>>>>

there was never a diversion created
that could make me forget you....
not the throwing of lightning bolts from my body...
destorying all the cities with one breath...
not burning and creating all the golden and dark and noble cities...
no - nothing created ever rivaled
you and I...
together -
the ocean was born from us - would return to us...
as parched arid land...only quenched by us
together...
forever -- in love - and yes locked into one another...
our souls iwhsing to join...forever and always and always....so that no speration -- ever again could be told...or known...
dear Christian...
please take me back...
and forgive me....
for my only crime -- as always -
was only -- to have dared to love you...

SB

every minute away from you is like dying....

i hope the gifts of my poetry can suffice until our bodies can meet in person...
merry christmas...
SB

12-24-06


1-1-07
i know now

i wanted you to destroy me so wed be forever together
wielded in pain and death -- but together -- louis --
always
all ways -- our souls one
one mind
one thought
one heart -

one spirit
flying through the heavens -- but always
together
you inspire to write --
to want
but dear sweet christian (iin this life)
i dont want you
no
you allready belong to me --
and I to you...
there is nothing to say
and there are no words
except until i have you in my arms..again
and whisper...

welcome home -- my beloved....
always

sean
POSTED BY SB9 AT 10:22 PM 0 COMMENTS
Particles...
particles


particles --

(today is the tomorrow that you worried about
yesterday -)

particles
yesterday....
the danger of fading --
so many demons have spoken through me -
so many angels created me --
when you stand in the center of eternity where else can you go ?
the spinning vortexes I run to create - the blue ethers rising from the body - giving the particles color and form

yesterday -
there was a yesterday for me - wasn't there ??
a random dream of chaos - the poetic gifts of love -
the yearning that brings new tears --
the ever brightly muse - the pain that never arrives --
the tomorrows that promise grief and release --
or the continued tedium of wanting ecstasy ---

sorrow - cascades into the clear pool
my body - birthing another form -
the light through which my passing mind fades
the brilliance and running into memory -

the "holographic universe" seems more a curse than a revelation....
in my addiction to all the yesterdays - or my need that something become solid and matter:
I can promise nothing - I can not say whether I exist or not ....

-- in a moment of panic I consider that Iam alone --
completely alone and the only one in this universe and thus: have created what I have simply to stop the lonliness -- the entire universe spills out of me
perhaps even you -- right now --
another possibility of course is descent into madness - or flight into heaven -- or another exploding mass of matter as of yet undreamed of...
>>>
is it you that imagines me ? and won't let go ??
Is it you sincere devil - or jealous angel who dreams of me - and seduces the light into becoming my form ?
that i were created by some sad lonely god?
a creation of love but borne from pain -

chemicals and particles --forming into -- falling from -- always becoming the "today" that my body walks through -
all the todays that become the yesterdays --- days and weeks and years all blur-- forever--
into something like regret - streaked by - color and grey -- color and grey -- and then all grey - leaving the template of memory

evaporating into light -- into lust, seething into dreaming into contemplation....
wondering why - god will not stop dreaming me --

the lightshow spinning yet ever - always - forcing:
forcing us.... to continue -- cruel because it can not stop- can not stop -- we can not awake -- somehow, happening --
forever ....
happening -
the kind devils push us along with another promise....

I, in my deepest regret now know -- that i will never be: simply "nothing" ---
my clash with "nothingness" will simply open into another universe
a newer one
that i will have to explore --

my sorrow is that I will always be "something" -- and this something will have a coniousness -- always contain
movement - always evolve -

how deeply i regret that i have birthed this light and cannot seem to escape it -- can not seem to end this dream -- can not seem to dissolve
into particles -- can not seem to become
nothing.

a question:
who created the first vampire ??
and why did it have to be me ??

>>>the other night i began meditating - trying desperately to dissolve and become, once again - nothing -
and yet you appeared -
you fed me light once more as I was about to step into darkness -
if you could come back
Id like to be in your presence ---

written for tim

september 17 05
chants of light


6-14-06


today i feel oddly "high."

however...there is nothing in my system stronger than some potent amazon berries and wheatgrass...
i watch the motion of my wrist - jacking my ever greased - hard and huge cock --
up and down - wave upon wave - still and always amazed at the pleasure derived from such a simple mechanical act and movement...
and yet - the spiritual benfits are yet to be accrued...spinning me into a daydream of a stronger man who enters my room - mounts me and makes me sniff his armpits -- all the while he rides my fat - pulsating, throbbing and then spurting dick -- into the bullseye...
of his heart and soul -
in another time my cum would not allow him to take in my power, strentgh and light but today - i give him my all...his aura lights up...

thankful: he kisses me gently riding every last drop of juice from my balls...
and then he is gone....

today the weather is perfect. to stay inside seems the hieght of arrogance and indulgence.
like smoking when you know your healthy...

sometimes i think i burn a little too brightly for this place....

the angels are touching me now as i close my eyes...
sweet sweet siren song that seduces me into the land of forgotten dreams...
no longer lost in a world that doesnt value me...the colors are bright again...
i lose contact with my body and then the world explodes into a million chants of light --
the consummers and the slaves to the weather are all gone...
the haiku of humanity - eat - consume and blow up is about to end --

as the final explosion occurs i realize: my existence is the only validation i require...

the sno-globe of my limited reality is cracking...but out of it hundreds of white doves ascend...

i truly am crying because everything is so beautiful...
stoned on something i cant even give a name to...
the best high is when you dont need anymore...
a divine liquor swishing through my blood...

i cook lunch in my boxers. it's delicious...