seanblog: by seanbateman9 "Go Outside..."

fight club

3/07
sometimes you cheat death...
but
sometimes death cheats you...

I woke up today wanting to commit suicide - again...
I'am Sean's tired body...

I woke up to the stench of death...
I'am Sean's tired soul...

I woke up to the smell of burning rage...
I'am Sean's weary spirit...

I woke up today...to chaos and panic...
I'am Sean's polluted aura...

I woke up today - greeted by lust and greed...
I'am Sean's wicked mind...

I woke up today to wind and rain...
I'am Sean's disposition...

I woke up today with my mind -- wide open...
I woke up today...creating a god that will destroy me...

I woke up today..with a light -- unending...

I woke up today...wanting to be alive...
I woke up -- dying in a bed of plastic and pain...
I woke up today with a face that is not mine...

I woke up today with a life -- that never belonged to me...
I woke up today inhaling the dust of my dreams..

I woke up with the memory of a man f**king me...
I don't know why I always call you when I'am in this mood...
this terrible, terrible, frame of mind...
I don't know why I'am cursed to grace my thoughts here...
or the need to record every fucking second of my existence here...
or why I ache for you so badly -- that I spit melancholy in every direction...in silence -- alone with it...
wanting it -- "it" to come to me...
hearing the sound of your voice...on the other end...
wondering about you...
not sure if -- really, I ever want to see you face to face...
I dunno...
I dunno...
music...soft, ecstatic...wanting to heal you...
friends...
lovers...
music...from another time...
your soul to mine...
whispering -- all through the ages...
sitting here -- thinking of you...wondering - aching...
loss
deep loss...
sad
loss
never knowing...if I'am on a table...
my body -- embalmed...and ready to burn...

at the end...will I have a grin, a smile...or just more pain...
??

did i touch anyone?
did I make them care?

did i fulfill my destiny....
bring about the right wave...?
transform everything as I promised?

did I love perfectly?
Did I make them care??

Did I breathe...in, the perfect light...
seduce the darkness out of me?
merge with the divine?
was it the right color?
did I exist ?

did I love perfectly??
did we meet yet-- again...only to miss each other??

what i feel -- for you...transcends -- this body and space and time...
are you the one...true..light...I can melt -- into...
??>>>

>>>>>When I'am like this...I should be alone...
everything -- hangs from a thread...
and down -
down
down i go -- into the blue abyss of razor - waters...
into the deep - blue, so thick -- with blue...
and ponder and contemplate and worry...and fret...away...into the mercurial dust of light...
into the swarm of green and black...
here I'am...

I woke up today -- to the sounds of voices...
saying:

"wake up..."
"wake up..."

"It's time to go home..."
>>>>>>

go outside...
SB
Date: Apr 19, 2007 1:26 PM



Subject: E: Throwing out some thoughts...
Body: ok my sage buddy --
please explain the diff between destiny and fate ?

if its destiny then why worry ?
the myth of sysiphiis ?
sp?
the greek god who was destined to roll the rock up the hill and then have it fall down --
tell me -- do u want me to help u and make some prayers for you or not ??
ima very powerful to make things for others although i can not seem to do it for myself -- if u want the energy moved then let me kno but remember when something is stuck like backed up water -- when it gets unstuck you get caught in the rush for a minute of it unblocking -- i have alot of friends ah upstairs as it were ...
let me know -- man ive grown to love you in a way -- and i dont really know u but you are a symbol of hope or something to me -- that iam not alone -- and i cherish ur rareity--- dont ever want to do anything to make you go away or disaapear cuz ive only met like one other guy -- who was like us -- a few kinda small sprouts also but nothing fully matured in a sense -- anyway -- rambling now -- so let me know --

hug
S

So what are you waiting for?...

;)

That's why I had dorkily put my occupation as 'mage' instead of 'sage.'
I believe 'sage' as the one who knows...
but a 'mage' as the one who does...

First is the weight and responsibility of knowing...
This makes you the sage.
But because we begin to see and understand so much - if we wish to stay good - it is easy to see how precarious our immature choices become.
This makes us limit our influence and actions.

In a way - it creates a new fear. a new obstacle... since in life - each step becomes another one.
That despite seeing the true significance and insignificance of things - we feel taken away from the accepted everyday goals of life.

Whether we feel unworthy of it - or above it.
If we're here - we're here to maximize our potential.
Always.
That means using anything and everything you have positively and successfully.
For the better you become - the more you can help.
The more your purpose becomes fulfilled.

And how I believe that corresponds to Fate and Destiny?... yes - what will be will be - but right now as you envision and imagine - right now as you're hoping and learning - that destiny is forming and you are deciding how far you're taking it. Fate is the consequence of all our actions - good or bad.

I'm having a bit of a tough time - but I'm not sure what it is specifically yet. I haven't been able to formulate it into something I can express. Fate... I have got to start taking care of myself better. Feeling a bit of the weight of what I've been ranting about lately. I'm not sure what it all means.

xoxo
- Christopher

----------------- Original Message -----------------
Sean
Date: Apr 18, 2007 11:18 PM




>>>at the center of your being
you have the answer
you know who you are
and
you know what you want --

lao tzu


Oh... one other thought.

I understand what you mean about feeling 'done' - no longer feeling a 'need' or maybe even a 'desire'. Mainly because we understand that we already 'know' everything - which sometimes saps our feelings of things 'new.'

I've come to understand that all we need is not about 'overcoming' or 'gaining' something - but 'opening' up to the fact that we already have it or know how to get it.

'it' - being the life we want. that smell good place ;)

So things become a validation for me - and so true it doesn't always feel like you've conquored new quests - or that me waiting for something is going to bring something greater than what I'm already proud of having... it becomes a validation that I'm on the right track - and I can see things clearly... I can do things positively... yes... I still can.
That then takes you to that new place.
You become one step ahead.
Because you are successfully manifesting what you want when you want it.
It brings you closer to the present.
Because things aren't new... you saw it coming.
The last great misconception - Time.
You become one step ahead.
Keep things validating and you're on the right track - should anything pop up - then you know immediately what to look at. But because you are aware of it.
Because things don't feel new to you.
Because you think you have the your fundementals in order.
Enjoy the less weighty class schedule -
And use your free time.
You've earned it.
If you are alive.
If you know what you know.
You've earned it.
Respect it.
More importantly honor it as the gift it is.
Use it.

much love,
much honor,
- Christopher


----------------- Original Message -----------------

Sean
Date: Apr 17, 2007 7:39 PM


thank you for taking the time to validate my thinking and thoughts and mirroring back to me yours as well...
when i read your replies sometimes I'am stunned and need to process all your fine -- evolved thinking which I'am sorry to say -- is kinda sorely lacking in my ""actual" reality...my cyber reality is really awesome but the material world and i have now and always had a contentious relationship...ive always found pain and harm to myself there - and dont really know how to master it or stop it or forece it to do my bidding ??
ah confused....A fallen angel of sorts -- out of sorts -- in total and complete truth -- an angel of light or dark -- i suppose ive been both -- yes ?
id like to know my place here amongst the mortals...and humans -- or where i belong in the heavens -- actually -- what i do is --has enourmous value in a sense but iam hard pressed to find the practical application of it in the real --world -- and ask that it return to me -- money -- lost again....
yeah really just lost -- and asking every question i can to feel the flow -- get the flow -- escape from the dreamscape of wanting --
its interesting 25 years ago if i were to speak lke this i would have been locked up -- i suppose then thats progress -- perhaps heres the thing -- maybe now i can stop hidding and come out -- that was really the purpose of having -doing the kirk tv show -- was to find the other mystics -- witches >? like myself and have communion...in a way iam still hiding behind the kirk tv-- closted frat boy -- that he is -- and god i love him -- and yeah anyone with 2 ounces of brain cells knows its a put on...but yes in there somewhere i come out and show my true self...powerful and knowing -- is it any wonder -- they have burned witches at the stake for centuries or anyone that dared to say that god doesnt live in a church ....the sin eater >
??
the truth teller?
the wise person sage??
the authentic person...

ah like i said -- ahhh dunno

lost ....
my new life -- yeah i kno i want it to smell good....hehee
what ever that means -- id like what ever is the opposite of pain and fear and doubt and dis-ease....
and poverty --
so whats that ?

much love to you for being there -- for me - for talking and not hiding --
warmth
Sean
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



I agree with you – there is no ‘one’ answer.
And that’s because it’s a ‘place’ we need to get to – not a ‘thing’
And so there’s many ways to ‘get there’ – but it’s up to us all individually – to find it.

But this also means there is no ‘one’ person or ‘event’ just waiting to enlighten you.
It’s ourselves that are waiting to accept that doorway in order to believe.
Believe that we have made it to that place – or have found the best place.

As far as the Guru?
I’ve actually been wrestling with those questions myself…
Who do I want to be with?
What does my ‘life’ look like?
What do I ‘want’ it to look like?

Would I really want someone who could provide the answers?
Would I believe them?
Or am I too, wanting to find someone free?
Would that be compatible to my freedom?
Or because of the nature of ‘free’ would we never meet?
Or never stay?

As far as the ‘waiting’
As far as the always before – wanting to be done.
Seeing enough.
But always returning…

I personally believe life – and its’ manifested illusions
Are here for us to grow and mature and learn how to manifest.
This is the ‘place’ we should reach –
The ability to manifest responsibly.

If you imagine a single person.
Then all of the cells that make up that person.
Then imagine a single world.
And all of the people that make up that world.

We are all ‘cells’ to a single body – just as we have ‘cells’ that make up us.
This is how we are all one.
This is how we all share a unified consciousness.
This is how we manifest in our world – because we are a part of the ‘whole body’.
I believe in our lifetime here – we are given a metaphor – a representation on how to function within a ‘whole body.’
All ‘cells’ are equal until one matures and takes on a larger responsibility within the ‘body’.
This could be endless – do we grow to become an important part of the body?
Can we become the heart?

The more we learn, mature and manifest – gives us more ‘influence’ over the body.
Our functions (as a cell) become more important – and carry more weight – and have more power.
But that takes responsibility to keep it working well.
Thankfully the very nature of ‘gaining’ that responsibility are the lessons in keeping it.

So as far as waiting for something?
That’s where I’ve removed it for myself.
I am the cell – and I decide how important I want to be.
I decide – that if at the end, I’ve gained the experience to play an integral part in (the next life? Next incarnation?)
For everyone else – who doesn’t mature… they move along – like simple cells… adding to the whole – but individually, not creating an impact or influence.
You will see them also – easily influenced by more advanced cells.

It’s not about the material – but it is here…
It is a part of the manifestation… a part of the illusion.
I don’t believe money equals happiness or maturity
But it does equal physical freedom on this plane.
Freedom to go and do what we like.
Freedom from the stress of financial needs.

Unfortunately – yes, awareness of the larger picture takes away from our inherent greed for material wealth – which is a powerful force of ambition and motivation – albeit a negative one.
But since people rarely see that aspect at first – they see only that this drive is pushing them ‘ahead’ (they just can’t see where it’s taking them ultimately)

My friend Russell hit on the head recently for me saying…
“I have everything, yet nothing…”
Which was so right – seeing as tho’ I have all my basics provided in abundance – but technically not through wealth…

Of course – I’m happy with that.
But, once again, my belief is that we are here to learn to ‘manifest’
And my guess is – because this will play a major part later on…

For example – if we were to leave this physical world and enter a more ‘astral’ existence…
Memories of flying? Unhindered by physical laws and restraints because spiritually we are not restrained at all?
What would existing astrally be like? Look like?
We cannot use our physical means of action – so what would it be?

How would a child grow? Who could not walk on his own?
A baby bird that has yet to fly?
They stay in the safety of their nest… the physical world?
They start off small – learning all of their processes…
Learning responsibility – maturity and how to exist without harming themselves – others – or their environment…
A creature who cannot do this – would not survive.

Most people like to think this is it – but we are capable of gaining true wisdom and knowledge and we can use that to manifest our reality.
Wouldn’t it make sense that THAT is what carries with us?
Wouldn’t it make sense that learning that would prepare us for something?
Knowing that all of our material gains – don’t?

So regardless of what I manifest – as long as it’s responsible
I’m doing something. I’m working on something.
And that – I don’t need to wait for.
Because Time is all my own.

Yes – it all takes asking the right questions… and if you don’t know the ‘right’ question – then ask any question that pops into your mind. And you’ll trace your way through the labyrinth of your mind until there is nothing standing in the way of you – and what you were asking for.

As with your evil doppelganger (hehehe I too have had unfortunately granted wishes) – but that’s what makes us more responsible in our requests and thoughts.

Could you imagine if we lived in an existence where all thoughts manifested instantly? Perhaps this is where we’re heading… seeing as though every step I take takes me closer to real time manifestation. (or at least – clearer manifestation).
But imagine all the immature people… they simply would combust.
It would be chaos.
So perhaps – that’s our training.
That’s how we make it.

I don’t know – what do you think?
:P

xoxo
- Christopher

>>>>>>>>>>

particles posted on Seans sexy dreamland...2/08


particles --

(today is the tomorrow that you worried about
yesterday -)

particles
yesterday....
the danger of fading --
so many demons have spoken through me -
so many angels created me --
when you stand in the center of eternity where else can you go ?
the spinning vortexes I run to create - the blue ethers rising from the body - giving the particles color and form

yesterday -
there was a yesterday for me - wasn't there ??
a random dream of chaos - the poetic gifts of love -
the yearning that brings new tears --
the ever brightly muse - the pain that never arrives --
the tomorrows that promise grief and release --
or the continued tedium of wanting ecstasy ---

sorrow - cascades into the clear pool
my body - birthing another form -
the light through which my passing mind fades
the brilliance and running into memory -

the "holographic universe" seems more a curse than a revelation....
in my addiction to all the yesterdays - or my need that something become solid and matter:
I can promise nothing - I can not say whether I exist or not ....

-- in a moment of panic I consider that Iam alone --
completely alone and the only one in this universe and thus: have created what I have simply to stop the lonliness -- the entire universe spills out of me
perhaps even you -- right now --
another possibility of course is descent into madness - or flight into heaven -- or another exploding mass of matter as of yet undreamed of...
>>>
is it you that imagines me ? and won't let go ??
Is it you sincere devil - or jealous angel who dreams of me - and seduces the light into becoming my form ?
that i were created by some sad lonely god?
a creation of love but borne from pain -

chemicals and particles --forming into -- falling from -- always becoming the "today" that my body walks through -
all the todays that become the yesterdays --- days and weeks and years all blur-- forever--
into something like regret - streaked by - color and grey -- color and grey -- and then all grey - leaving the template of memory

evaporating into light -- into lust, seething into dreaming into contemplation....
wondering why - god will not stop dreaming me --

the lightshow spinning yet ever - always - forcing:
forcing us.... to continue -- cruel because it can not stop- can not stop -- we can not awake -- somehow, happening --
forever ....
happening -
the kind devils push us along with another promise....

I, in my deepest regret now know -- that i will never be: simply "nothing" ---
my clash with "nothingness" will simply open into another universe
a newer one
that i will have to explore --

my sorrow is that I will always be "something" -- and this something will have a coniousness -- always contain
movement - always evolve -

how deeply i regret that i have birthed this light and cannot seem to escape it -- can not seem to end this dream -- can not seem to dissolve
into particles -- can not seem to become
nothing.

a question:
who created the first vampire ??
and why did it have to be me ??

>>>the other night i began meditating - trying desperately to dissolve and become, once again - nothing -
and yet you appeared -
you fed me light once more as I was about to step into darkness -
if you could come back
Id like to be in your presence ---

written for tim

september 17 05
chants of light


6-14-06


today i feel oddly "high."

however...there is nothing in my system stronger than some potent amazon berries and wheatgrass...
i watch the motion of my wrist - jacking my ever greased - hard and huge cock --
up and down - wave upon wave - still and always amazed at the pleasure derived from such a simple mechanical act and movement...
and yet - the spiritual benfits are yet to be accrued...spinning me into a daydream of a stronger man who enters my room - mounts me and makes me sniff his armpits -- all the while he rides my fat - pulsating, throbbing and then spurting dick -- into the bullseye...
of his heart and soul -
in another time my cum would not allow him to take in my power, strentgh and light but today - i give him my all...his aura lights up...

thankful: he kisses me gently riding every last drop of juice from my balls...
and then he is gone....

today the weather is perfect. to stay inside seems the hieght of arrogance and indulgence.
like smoking when you know your healthy...

sometimes i think i burn a little too brightly for this place....

the angels are touching me now as i close my eyes...
sweet sweet siren song that seduces me into the land of forgotten dreams...
no longer lost in a world that doesnt value me...the colors are bright again...
i lose contact with my body and then the world explodes into a million chants of light --
the consummers and the slaves to the weather are all gone...
the haiku of humanity - eat - consume and blow up is about to end --

as the final explosion occurs i realize: my existence is the only validation i require...

the sno-globe of my limited reality is cracking...but out of it hundreds of white doves ascend...

i truly am crying because everything is so beautiful...
stoned on something i cant even give a name to...
the best high is when you dont need anymore...
a divine liquor swishing through my blood...

i cook lunch in my boxers. it's delicious...


posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006  
0 COMMENTS:

Post a Comment
<< Home
About Me

Location:manhattan
View my complete profile
Previous Posts
• halloween
• the poet cries
• the bodies exhibition
• whats it all about ?
• lets go --
• dreaming...
• lakewood - california