Seanblog : Random journal entries...

saturday april 29, 06
weather clear - projected high 60s
6:40am

I slept through the night - waking up off and on. i do not remember getting the "sweats" or changing my clothes.

A triumph.

taking the vicaden is helpng me to sleep and get some natural rest. my ambien prescription bottle still has more than half the pills left. i really do not like it. i would pop a quarter of a pill and then pass out and into this synthetic type of "sleep -freeze." like being in suspended in time but not sleeping...
i saved it in case i wanted to off myself the first week. then detoxed from it and won't go back.
I was worried that ten pills wouldn't do the job anyway. and the reason - i think - that i didn't do it was because it seemed unfair to the person who would find me. more than likely that person would have been morgan.

yesterday i was supposed to go back to the clinic to get my Tb test read and totally forgot. it will have to wait for monday.

today matthew, my eastern doctor, is coming for a house call to needle me for a light treatment on my liver and take my "pulse" in eastern terms.
this involves looking at your face, your tongue, and holding your wrist.
according to my western doctor i have developed an immunity to hepatitis. my guess is that because of this my liver is strong.
in eastern terms i have a heat that needs to be cleared out of that "meridian."

i suspect alot of my "itching" and my stress rash is a response to the truamas of the last few years. some would say it's all in your mind, and i truly wonder how much of dis-ease is created by the mind afecting the body. if it is all in your mind, still it doesn't make it any easier to shake it...
once your "mind" tenses up so to speak it's hard to get to another reality. it seems a mystery.
it's not easy to create a new reality, since theres so much residue from the past but i think you have to open to a healing, a re-arrangement: like the butterfly who concentrates upon itself, goes into seclusion, spins the coccoon around him and then emerges and flies.
is it enough to simply affirm something like:
I'am immune to all dis-ease... and then it manifests in your body?
quantum mechanics and metaphysics suggests we have more of an influence on the bodies we create than we realize.
the material world seems to dictate that we have no pyschic control whatsoever.
if you were to elvolve to the point of being a spiritual master, which i believe is what jesus was, then dis-ease wouldn't even be in your conciousness.
this would be true immortality.
if i could develope immunity to hepatitis then why not hiv?
there was an internet story circulating the web a few years ago about children that were being born immune to hiv.
the idea was basically that the medical community began to see that certain babies were born hiv negative even though the mother's blood was hiv positive. then they began to test the babies blood exposing it to larger amounts of hiv in a lab. according to the story, the tests always came back negative...
medical miracle? internet myth?
these children are called:
"the indigo children"
if youd like to investigate further.
i think affirming something to the effect of:
"my blood is clean" would make some changes in my psyche and on occassion i'll repeat this through the day...

in eastern terms - "blood" is interchangable or translates also to "Chi" or "energy."
in twelve step programs, step two states;

"came to believe that a "higher power" could restore us to sanity."
in this case "Sanity" refers to cleanliness. being sanitary or clean....
recovering addicts use the term - "clean" as opposed to being "sober."

getting clean and staying clean...
ok then :
my blood is clean.
my aura is being cleaned in peace and safety.

I've had several manifestations - experiences of my thoughts or words affecting my psyhsical body. years ago in therapy i was discussing the need to release the primal "birth cord" from my mother. we are attatched to the genisis of our mother's body at birth and the doctor must cut this when we are born. it forms our belly button. incedentially in eastern terms the essence of the "lifeforce" in meridian form is a small point above the belly button called the tan-dien.
a few days later after talking about cutting the birth cord, and thus the tie to my mother a scab appeared and crusted over right above my belly button...

currently - there is a tiny scab on the right upper curve of my ear lobe. i know from being treated with acccupuncture for several years that the ears, in eastern medicine are important. in fact there is what they refer to as a confluence of the meridians in the ears and hence the energies are collected into the ears...I'am going to ask matthew which merdian point this is.
a clue to what my body /aura is doing now?

on "jack tv" - my co-host at that time mentioned that the ears emit a sound undetectable to normal human auditory levels but have been measured by scientific instruments...

it is also interesting to note that treatments for stress in accupuncture from my experience always involve needling the ears....
i'am not sure what all this means.
i'll ask matthew this afternoon.
another intersting idea to ponder and where i read it i can not remember is that of the original texts that speak of accupuncture from the east and its genisis - only about 5,000 of these pages have been translated into english: hence the sum total of western knowdledge of eastern medicine is incomplete and yet ive found it to be effective in certain cases. sciatica for instance. the western doctors offered judgement and lame excuses offering - "theres nothing we can really do - or it's all in your mind..."
two trips to an accupuncturist albeit one of manhattan's best, dissolved the pain after two years of being out of work and laying in bed.

10:00 am
go outside...
did you go outside today...?

i'am having a problem finding the inspiration to eat my first meal. i'am used to this and begin to ponder the choices.
yesterday i recieved a slip from the post office saying that one of my amazon purchases was at the post office ready to be picked up. i went there around four but they said that the mail carrier hadn't returned from his rounds and to come back tomorrow.
so while i was waitng for the "food" angels to make me hungry i decided to go back to the post office and perhaps stop off at modells sportswear and get a new pair of sweat pants.
before i leave my apartment i go online to see if i can find the post office hours for saturday. for the life of me - it was not to be found. aound 9:45 i venture out. the purchase side of the post office is actually closed but the pick up window is open.
i get my package - it's the book i ordered:
"the dark side of christianity."
by helen ellerbee
and then proceed to modells.
i find a pair of gold sweats and buy large.
my waist size is a 28 but because the waistbands on the mediums cut into my sides, my body is hyper sensitive right now, i can't really wear them all day.
i've worn my pajamma bottoms a few times on the streets but i feel that i look like one the "special people" who require a supervised living situation. theres two such facilities that house them in this neighboorhood. you can always spot the special people.
they walk the streets in their pajammas sometimes even their robes. frankly nobody even looks twice. it adds character which is what hells kitchen is known for anyway...

the other sweats i had i wore in the hospital and i threw them away when i got home. they had bad memories on them.
its hard to find a larger waistband for a 5-8 tall frame. the larger waist-size the longer the pant leg and then the leg bottoms drag on the pavement and get dirty.
happy day.
i get home and find the new swaetpants gold - are perfect in the waist and stay rolled up so they don't drag on the floor. it's so nice when you finally make a purchase that works for you.

tagless comfort.
because my body is so sensiive i always cut the tags off my clothes. especially the underwear with tags in the small of your back. i have also worn my underwear inside out trying to escape the constant pin prick of a tag poking the crack of your ass.

about a year ago i devoted an entire episode of "jack tv" pleading somebody in he underwear industry to make under clothes and t-shirts either without tags or place the tags in a different place. i brought pairs of my boxers and breifs and displayed them on camera stating which brands had tags and where. i also kinda sniffed the undies like a freak for the audience and did a "smell check" on camera and the viewers went nuts over this. the ratings went up for that week.

about six months later hanes and fruit of the loom both introduced
"Tagless comfort" t - shirts and underwear....
the universe responded. awesome.

the golden sweats are behind the times and have a tag right down the line of a guys crack - not even under the back waist like usual. but i can't seem to feel it.

i returned home trying to find or access the mental file that will get me to eat but it's not open right now so i'll wait.
since i went outside today now i can tell anyone who calls and asks -
"Did you go outside today?"
i can say "YES." i went outside today...

heres a question for you -
why does everyone have such a boner to go outside...or make you go outside?
"go outside - go outside."
"did you go outside???"
heres a couple of things - in response.

I've got a new flat screen tv and a new powerbook. INSIDE. Iv'e got food thats paid for and a phone and the internet - INSIDE.
Ive got my bed. and some great cushy pillows. INSIDE.
I've got my own bathroom. the stuff i like, pictures of shirtless guys on the bulliten board. ive got two remotes and i can wear my baggy, oversized sweat pants INSIDE.
my germs and nobody elses are staying with me here. inside. ok?
AND BESIDES i have two southern exposure five feet tall windows where i can see the OUTSIDE if i want to.

enough said.

somehow - someway the inspriration comes to eat my first meal and acting quick in the window of culinary opportunity i whip up three scambled eggs and one egg white (i may have only 37 t-cells but i'am still watching my colhesteral) with onions and tomatoes and american cheese.
(i've always made fun of people that eat american cheese but todays it's whats gonna get me through - it seems to evoke images of comfort and a simpler time for me - memories of stinky grill cheese sands after school and before i had the weight of the "hetero" world on my "gay" back)
two pieces of sourdough toast. a cup of cranberry juice. and half a glass of "naked" brand "green machine" juice.
yestardays meds have worked themselves out of my body and i feel great but alas time for cocktail course number one - the hard stuff that must be taken with food.
ok I'll get it over with and take the meds and put a circle on my meds list for part one of the day. if i don't do this i can't remember what i took when. course one is three pills. two blue caps and one white cap - these are called the protease inhibitors. the strong stuff. although the definable side effects appear to be low in my case. i definitely know when they kick in because they have a kick and kinda drop me for about 2 hours.
i definitley know i'am on them...and then the itching begins...
go outside.
not right now.

12:30pm
sean calls
hes still on the block for a few days.
looking for a birthday blow job no doubt. and the answer is no. iam not spending another week in the hospital just because he wants his cock sucked - no way- and besides I'am so horny that i know if he came over here and pulled it out i would do it and then wander if i picked up any parasites off his skin.
no sean is goin to have to wait.
men are all the same - they're only responsible to their own cocks...sleeping and eating and blowing a load.
yeah guys are all the same: myself included.

1:20 pm
matthew arrives:
he says that I've gained weight and got my color back. I ask him about the meridian in my ear and he examines it. he says it's the liver meridian.
I tell him that for today i'd like a light treatment in luei of a deeper needling that may cause a movement of my "chi."
I'am still trying to stabilize and matthew agrees. he pricks my ankles, my left ear but not the one that is scabbed over and my wrists. matthew explains this treatment is to bring the chi up to a place where it can "spring" back into my meridians. he also hit two points that will surface clear my hot blood and help with the itching. hoy blood is the reason why i itch all the time. it's the heat trying to get out. the majot itch points are in my legs, back of the knees , low back.

as i lay there with the needles in my skin we discuss poz to poz sexual encounters, getting back my sex drive, the under 50 but not cured premise of hiv and herbal blends for hiv and drug "holidays."
it pretty common for a guy to get the virus in his body to containable levels after 6 months to a year, so to give your body a rest, doctors ok a drug holiday and then the viral load every month.
Tommy from next door has been off his meds almost 6 years. and he induldged in a meth addiction, which i wouln't reccomend, for a year during that time period and didn't get sick. however tommy's t-cells are back down to 250 so he has to resume his cocktail once again.
I tell matthew that my western doctor said that I'am immune to hepatitis. which he agrees is a good sign.
mark explains:
"The hiv virus is, a stupid virus almost like the retarded child that can't help itself.
it's not sophistacated at all. in the case of hepatitis, for instance, your body and immune system recognize it as an invader and immediately set out to develope anti-bodies to it. some people do and some don't. I haven't been able to. the hiv virus slips under the wire so to speak and then undetected it begins to merge into your dna.
and basically this is how it replicates itself by changing your dna. the protease inhibitors stop certain protiens it needs to complete that process. more often than not hiv because it is so "unsophisticated" on it's own usually can't complete the process anyway and it simply ends up like junk in your blood as a waste product just floating around. however when it does merge with the dna successfuly then all the cells created after that have its marker.

"wow" i respond. "ya gotta respect this guy for sure - doens't even know what it's doing and still manages to disable the entire system..."
it's truly fascinating to me that all this is happening in my dna strands and blood or that doctors and scientists could figure it out and slow it down or even contain it and stop it.
* * *
matthew also told me some good news that he got professionally. he recieved a grant to test an herbal hiv managing blend for 25,000 dollars.
now he just needs voulenters.
metthew also mentions that he spoke to davey lowenstein. apprently davey is perplexed as to why i haven't called him.
davey has always said that too self absorbed and i always knew that to be true of him. i've cooked for him, gave him uncountable free tarot readings and channelings even when he just wanted them for entertainment and on and on - davey i haven't called beacuse i've been fighting for my gay life - you bitch.

I tell matthew that i want to gain my weight back and specifically on the right side of my rib cage is an obvious defeicency of energy or weight even to my eyes. he asks, 'is that where the "Entity" is?
i think for a moment and this blue ball of light that seems to nestle itself in my aura around my forearm and rib cage instantly moves/ flies to the corner of the ceiling and stays there. either it knows where talking about it or i let go of it when matthew mentioned it.
i can't really say if it's malevolent, evil or loving. i do know it's there and moves around at times but the lack of weight on my side compared to the left side means it favors the right side of my body....
in new age terms - most people agree that blue light is a healing one and besides I've tried to clear it and others out but they just come back.
white sage, pachouulli oils and vinegars are all known to clear the nebulous "entity" that psychically senstive people can either feel or even see in their auras.
this spirit does not respond to any of those.
i sense it means no harm.
matthew de-needles me and i write him a check and then he says that he'll call me in a few days.


around 2:30
I fall a sleep and have some peaceful dreams which i can not recall. the dreams are like a holiday from the mental stress of the meds, the hiv, being sick, and worrying about being sick...in the dreams i'am pain free and feel good.

I wake up around 6pm smoke a cig and then fall back to sleep until 7. I realize that if i don't get out of bed i'll be awake all night.
besides it's time for my dinner meal and for some reason i think of chicken fried steak and rice... i set out out to the market.

8:30pm
as I'am flouring the round steak for dinner, morgan calls and say that shell bring me my nightly ice delivery around 11pm.

i fry the steak and burn it slightly on purpose. this really makes the salt and pepper "pop" in your mouth. i alsoo tried to make some creamed spinach but it didn't seem to thicken enough, perhaps i should have added 2 tbls of creme cheese like the internet recipie calls for but i didn't trust that and left it out...
still it tasted good. i'll have to practice on the creamed spinach again.

after dinner i made some vanilla ice cream with banannas and chocolate sauce and finsihed it off with a frozen milky way.
my refrigerator is about ten years old and does not have a frost free freezer.
so like in "the old days" you have to defrost it twice a year. the more frost the less effective it bcomes at freezing. the ice cream never stays hard and frozen these days but the ice and the milky ways become like rocks. go figure. de- frosting the freezer i find really theraputic actually so i dont mind it. it's like all the frozen energy from the winter melting away.

I'am determined to get my weight back, even on my right side.

the dishes are clean so i decide to tv channel surf and come across a jean claude vandamm movie - hes such a stud and i've heard he swings both ways...
the acting is horible. it's obvious that it's one of his earlier films but he's some great eye candy.

I take a half of vicoden and veg in bed...
i scratch around the backs of my thighs and sides for half an hour or so. my skin doesn't seem as tender as it was a week ago.